Ex called CYS on me!

[Ahimsa]

This past weekend ex called CYS on me. He told them that I had a deplorably messy house with animal feces lying around; that my son was not enrolled in school; that I had a history of drug use; that the kids had elevated lead levels; that I was not giving the kids medical and dental care. He was basically stretching and twisting the truth to make me seem horrible.

My son was homeschooled for last year, but he will be doing a public cyber charter school this year. Ex knows this, and has expressed some concerns about homeschooling, but has otherwise gone along with it (that is why we are doing cyber school this year.) Plus, my son is 7, under the compulsory school age here (8yrs). My son has a young chicken that he hatched from an egg. It is usually outside or in a box in his room, but we let it run around in his room Sat., while we were out of the house, and I didn't clean it immediately. My kitchen was on the messy side, the dishes needed to be done, but not to the point of being deplorable. I haven't done drugs in years and years, and when I did it was with him. While I choose not to vaccinate (something ex has gone along with), and my daughter has bad cavities, I do take my children to both the doctor and the dentist (the elevated lead levels were addressed and are no longer an issue).     

For years we have been working things out fairly well outside of the courts, so this just seems rash and out of place. He has a history of drug abuse, but has claimed to be sober for over a year (and has pretty much acted rationally and soberly until these recent developments.)

As it stands, he has the kids every Sat. evening to Sun. evening, and often an evening or two during the week, but he has been unwilling to commit to anything beyond the Sat./Sun. I have asked him to, so I could work (as a doula), but he says his work comes first and he can't commit to anything in advance.

I am just really confounded by all of this. I am not sure what his point in calling was. He basically has de facto partial custody.

Any advice? Words of wisdom? I am thinking that I need to seek legal advice.

CYS said my house was not deplorable and that they would check into the other claims. 

[sren]

That must have been really upsetting!  Not only do you have to deal with CYS while not understanding your ex's motivation for reporting you, but now you are probably feeling like you can't predict what may be coming next.  Legal advice sounds like a good idea.  I had to lawyer up pretty early in the separation process, unfortunately-- cannot believe how much $$ it is costing.   I had always thought amicable out-of-court agreements and mediation would be the way to go, but that only works if STBX is rational and has a desire to cooperate.  Perhaps a consultation with a lawyer would help.  Also, there may be some free legal clinics in your area; the local women's shelter offers one monthly.

[Ahimsa]

I am going to a legal clinic through legal aide here in a few weeks.

The hardest part to understand is the fact that he thinks it is no big deal to call them. We have been working well together. We do have disagreements, but that is to be expected. He basically gets what he would get if we went through the courts. I feel like he is creating problems where there doesn't need to be problems.

[KempsMama]

Oh how horrid and immature!  I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.  I have no advice, but you'll be in my thoughts!

[sparklefairy]

Are you sure he's the one who called?

[sren]

Originally Posted by Ahimsa 

 I feel like he is creating problems where there doesn't need to be problems.

Yes, and no wonder you are confounded.  How random to call CYS instead of discussing any concerns with you, whether they are valid or not?  And the fact that this is new behavior on his part.  Has something changed on his end?

[Ahimsa]

I am sure it was him or him and his girlfriend. I asked him about it and he feels it was justified. Nobody else would have called. Anybody that knows me, respects me as a committed and dedicated mother (even if they don't agree with all my choices.)

We had some disagreements lately about some medical decisions. He took my son in to get a tetanus shot because he stepped on a screw, and I was upset because he didn't wait to include me in the decision, he used MedExpress instead of the kids pediatrician, and I feel he overreacted, because it was really just a tiny scrape. But, I was not yelling or screaming or being irrational about it. I just expressed my disappointment and that I felt he overreacted, and why I felt that way. Also my daughter had to go under general anesthesia for dental work (for the second time), and he places all the blame on me for her cavities. 

[Ahimsa]

I have also expressed that I am willing to talk these kind of things through, with a third party present (so it doesn't get nasty.) We were using a friend that is trained in non violent communication to mediate conversations with us, but he has recently refused to use her, because she is the mother of my two closest friends (she was very good at being unbiased). I asked him if he had any other suggestions, but he hasn't responded to that.

[provocativa]

So sorry that you are dealing with this.  If your divorce is not final, then this could be a tactic on his part.  If it is final, then it seems like he and his girlfriend are going to try for custody.  Rise to the occaision, fix any problems, and it should look bad for him in court.  He can 'feel that it is justified' all he wants, but if the claims are unsubstantiated then he will look like an ass in court.  No judge cares if a kid has cavities; they would care if you neglected to fix the cavities.  I think you need to accept that this is a declaration of divorce war; nothing was amicable before, even if it seemed so to you.  You need to start amassing evidence- try to get him to email you rather than call, and try to record his calls when he does call.  Save his texts.  You want him admitting that his job comes before his kids...and you need to lawyer up.  Sell jewelry, or beg from relatives, but get a lawyer and a binding court agreement.

[Ahimsa]

We were never married, and my kids have always lived with me. My daughter has never lived with him, as he moved out when I was pregnant with her, and she just started doing overnights a month ago. He only started doing unsupervised visits about a year ago. 

I have not documented everything that he does, but I have kept all our emails for over a year, and he has foolishly said many damning things in them.

I have an appointment set with legal aide for next week. 

I have thought long and hard about this, and although I hate to drag this through court, I believe that I need to go for full legal custody. I believe, given the fact that I have had de facto custody of my children for the past seven years, and have evidence and witnesses to support this, that I have a strong case. 

I have no desire to prevent my ex from having a relationship with his children, I just want to prevent him from making important decisions rashly when he is in one of his moods.

He recently told the kids that he wanted to see them more, but that I was keeping them from him.

Originally Posted by provocativa 

So sorry that you are dealing with this.  If your divorce is not final, then this could be a tactic on his part.  If it is final, then it seems like he and his girlfriend are going to try for custody.  Rise to the occaision, fix any problems, and it should look bad for him in court.  He can 'feel that it is justified' all he wants, but if the claims are unsubstantiated then he will look like an ass in court.  No judge cares if a kid has cavities; they would care if you neglected to fix the cavities.  I think you need to accept that this is a declaration of divorce war; nothing was amicable before, even if it seemed so to you.  You need to start amassing evidence- try to get him to email you rather than call, and try to record his calls when he does call.  Save his texts.  You want him admitting that his job comes before his kids...and you need to lawyer up.  Sell jewelry, or beg from relatives, but get a lawyer and a binding court agreement.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Ahimsa 

He recently told the kids that he wanted to see them more, but that I was keeping them from him.

The divorce/custody order for me and my ex specifically states "Defendant and Plaintiff agree that neither of them shall do anything which may estrange their children from the other parent. Each parent agrees to foster love, respect, and understanding between the children and the other parent."

If you do go to court, I suggest having some sort of similar wording in your paperwork. It doesn't mean that your ex will become an angel because some words are on paper, but it could give you recourse if he continues to bad-mouth you to your children.

[Goodmom2008]

Your ex is planning on going for custody.  CYS has no choice but to investigate any report.  But when it comes out in your favor, it's going to be your ex who has egg on his face.  If I were you, I would only communicate with your ex via e-mail, text or written letter.  You don't want to be in a he said she said situation, which is the case with verbal communication.