Week 33 is around the corner...not feeling happy all of a sudden??

[Gabesgrrrl]

Hi Everyone.:)

So...I'm at 32 1/2 weeks, and starting to realize the reality of the situation, and am feeling strangely unbonded and resistent.

I have never had this happen! I did lose 3 babies before this one stuck, but you'd think that would increase my joy and gratefulness and make me just so glad to have gotten this far...

But it doesn't.

I don't know why, but I'm feel really weird-resistent, depressed and annoyed about having to take on the additional responsibility of a baby on top of all I'm shouldering at the moment. I don't know exactly why I'm feeling this way, though I certainly can guess on some of the contributing factors-which I can't really go into here....

Anyone else know that they SHOULD feel one way, but ACTUALLY don't feel that way at all? I'm having such a tough time dealing with all this guilt and worry that I won't be able to bond the way I need to do parent closely and breastfeed all the time.

Help!
 

Marcie

[AKChix0r]

I feel majorly guilty admitting this, but I kind of have felt that way the entire time.

I'm an only child, I spent most of my first marriage (7 years) alone, learned to enjoy my career and my "me time" to the fullest extent, and now... I don't know about this.

I thought I couldn't have kids, and I am SO thankful that I am going to have this baby soon, but the back of my mind keeps kicking up far too many dark thoughts on the subject. Personally, I think mine is based on not knowing what I'm getting into. I am an obsessive planner and control freak, and I know this whole journey is unplanned, unscripted, and unpredictable. I cry a lot, and it isn't all from hormones.

Your life is changing, permanently, in ways you can't even predict. Even if you already have kids, you don't know how THIS one will be. How they will interact with the world around them, if they will need special care/attention, etc. I think it is totally justified to be uneasy and not totally elated. However, I understand the guilt from feeling that way and that really, really sucks.

[livacreature]

Originally Posted by AKChix0r 

I thought I couldn't have kids, and I am SO thankful that I am going to have this baby soon, but the back of my mind keeps kicking up far too many dark thoughts on the subject. Personally, I think mine is based on not knowing what I'm getting into. I am an obsessive planner and control freak, and I know this whole journey is unplanned, unscripted, and unpredictable. I cry a lot, and it isn't all from hormones.

Your life is changing, permanently, in ways you can't even predict. Even if you already have kids, you don't know how THIS one will be. How they will interact with the world around them, if they will need special care/attention, etc. I think it is totally justified to be uneasy and not totally elated. However, I understand the guilt from feeling that way and that really, really sucks.

This resonated.  I am excited, but there are a lot of days that I can't shake the "what am I getting intos".  My job is so important to me, I keep feeling majorly torn and I really don't know what to do.  I've had many bouts with severe depression in the past, and this isn't the same.  I'm also scared about PPD due to my history.  I don't cry much, usually it is just due to random, irrelevant things or being startled, but I'm not feeling particularly happy.

[yellowdart]

Last night I had my second bad birth dream of the pregnancy - the first was a couple nights before.  I had read through the nuchal cord / cord accident thread on Birth and Beyond just before bed, and maybe that contributed to my nightmare.  I have felt so peaceful and confident about the birth up until now, and now I'm getting these nightmares about things that could go wrong. 

Also, a couple visited my Bradley class to talk about their birth experience in July, and the dad described how baby's heart rate dropped for a bit so the OB team rushed in with a vacuum extractor.  The extraction didn't work (baby's heart rate went back up and mom delivered on her own), but it did give the mom a "pretty bad tear" and the dad described how blood flew all over from that.  Mom seems pretty happy now and was walking around just fine, so maybe it's not so bad, but that idea just makes me feel sick.  

So, my worries are about the birth now and not so much about life with a baby.  But I think I know this weird feeling of developing fears at this late stage in the pregnancy.   

Originally Posted by Gabesgrrrl 

So...I'm at 32 1/2 weeks, and starting to realize the reality of the situation, and am feeling strangely unbonded and resistent.

...

Anyone else know that they SHOULD feel one way, but ACTUALLY don't feel that way at all? I'm having such a tough time dealing with all this guilt and worry that I won't be able to bond the way I need to do parent closely and breastfeed all the time.

Help!
 

Marcie

This is my first babe, so I'm no expert on being a mother or caring for babies, especially with older kids around, but I don't think there's some particular way you need to feel right now, and I don't think you need to feel guilty about the emotions you're having.  I know it's basically impossible to force yourself to stop worrying, but if it helps at all, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, and I don't think you SHOULD have to feel any one way about the pregnancy/baby right now.  In fact, I'd say probably most good mamas must have doubts like this sometimes - anyone who thinks she's totally perfect probably isn't paying attention.  

Our little babes will know how to get what they need from us, and our bodies and minds will know how to provide.  Be peaceful, mama!

[MN BabyDust]

I know what you mean. I went through something very similar around 20 weeks. I think marking the halfway point sent me into an emotional tailspin, and I was really struggling for a while and felt like I couldn't bond with the baby.

I suggest you try to get out of the mindset that you "should" feel this way or that way. They are all legitimate feelings, they are all your feelings, and are justified and until you acknowledge the bad along with the good ones, you'll feel conflicted and guilty. Of course it's life changing, of course there will be times you will feel you can't do it, of course there will be downsides. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it. And there is pressure on us to not talk about those aspects of life. People get uncomfortable and want to glaze over it and just focus on the fun parts. They say "Oh, you'll be fine. You'll see. Once you see your baby you won't feel this way." But those kinds of comments make me feel like the feeling isn't justified or legit. I need to acknowledge my feelings. It's even more confusing to feel these things for those of us who tried and wanted very much to get pregnant, or who have been struggling with infertility or loss. But it doesn't mean we should just repress feelings. We need to allow them in to process them, and then be able to let them go.

FYI I got a lot of peace from reading a book called "The Pregnant Woman's Comfort Guide" by Jennifer Louden. Some of it was a little over the top and hippie-dippie for my taste, but much of it was very useful in working through these kinds of things. It might not be for everyone, but it definitely struck a cord with me.  The chapter called "Ambivalence" in particular spoke to these kinds of inner conflicts, and makes you realize that most women feel this way at some point in during their journey.  Maybe your local library has it.

Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. You are not terrible or abnormal because you feel this way.

[frugalmum]

I find myself feeling "blank."  Not really negative, not really positive beyond being grateful not to have lost the baby.  But I have no "sense" about the birth, the baby, what life with her will be like.  It's like my mind just shuts down if I start contemplating any of that.  I felt a similar numbness after my miscarriage.  I can't bring myself to buy anything, not even a carseat. 

[emmaegbert]

I have been ambivalent all along. This was an unplanned pregnancy that I was actively avoiding, and it comes at a difficult point for us in our family life- due to financial and work stress, stress in our own relationship (though the pregnancy, in a funny way, has united us more, brought some priorities into focus I guess). I would have never *chosen* to bring another child into our family at this moment of uncertainty. I am already worried enough about providing for the two that we have. The worst part is feeling bad about not feeling excited...  so if I think about it too much, I end up compounding my negative feelings by feeling bad for feeling bad.

On the other hand, I know from past experience, that I will be thrilled to meet my baby. I know how you fall "in love" with that new person. And I know I am a good mom (though not perfect!). I know I can do it on that front. Its everything else that is scaring me!

[~pi]

I think it's completely OK to feel some ambivalence. I pretty much worked through mine earlier on, but it was real, and I don't feel badly about it at all.

Babies are wonderful in many ways, but [expletive] if they aren't a tremendous amount of work. We are all just weeks away from giving up a lot of ourselves to these little tyrants. I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel daunted about the prospect.

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but when I feel daunted now, I look at DS. He was a very intense, demanding baby, and while that was really hard when it was happening, it did (eventually!) end. So, when necessary, I just remind myself that the baby stage does end. Eventually, with any luck, this little one will grow into a really interesting little person who won't need such intense, constant care.

Also, I didn't personally find that I had to bond immediately (or even all that quickly) in order to take excellent care of DS. It could have been the situation (rough birth, horrific postpartum experience), or it could be that's just what I'm like, but I needed to get to know him, and that took time. Our bond grew stronger and stronger the more I knew him, but at the beginning, I cared for him intensely and nursed him all the time because to me, that's just what you do with a new baby, whether you want to or not. I don't know if that is comforting or disconcerting, but I don't think it's necessary to fall in love at first sight in order to take great care of your baby. It makes it more pleasant for you, but it isn't actually necessary.

[NicaG]

I am also feeling ambivalent. I am glad there is a place to be honest about these feelings. Personally, I am not confident about my own ability to be a "good mother" to three children; I am frequently grumpy and lacking in patience with the two kids I already have. I feel too old to be starting over with a newborn. I see friends going back to work or just having a little more freedom with their kids going into school, and i feel jealous. feel a little resentful about giving up even more free time, money, time with dh, etc. In bad moments, I am terrified that this baby will end up being asd, and our whole family dynamic will be turned upside down and I won't be able to cope (my younger brother is autistic and it was very difficult for our whole family). My mother has been very unsupportive during this pregnancy, and has basically told me several times that I'm nuts for having another baby. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm really having trouble connecting to this baby. I am hoping my feelings will change after the baby's born, but it's been rough. I keep trying to remind myself that things could go really well; he could be an easy baby, ds might love having a little brother, we already have pretty good support systems in place to make the transition easier. I am excited about not being pregnant anymore, 11 more weeks to go.

[emmaegbert]

well I certainly didn't mean to sound glib about "I'm a great mom", its just that what I am worrying about is more the logistics of it all. And yes, I am dreading (in some ways) that intense care of the first few months. However, I found with my second- who admittedly was also a much more mellow kid- that it was also easier because I really knew that its temporary. So I hope that is the same again this winter, when its feeling overwhelming, that they change so much and become so much more independent. I felt much more isolated after having my first. My entire sense of myself was changing so radically. I felt very cut off from my life, from my sense of who I was, I felt, honestly, kind of trapped. It was not easy for me, though I didn't have anything like PPD (at least IMO). All of that, wasn't so much as issue with my second. And yes I feel jealous of my friends whose kids are getting older and I will still be in babyland for years to come.

[dot1]

Gabesgrrl...sounds like a perfectly reasonable reaction going into third trimester, with 3 kids already and what sounds like 2 jobs!  Maybe you're just getting very tired and need some sort of a break or getaway (if possible)? (it's really easy for numbness or negativity to creep in when tired...and sometimes a change of scenery or pace can be energizing).  I only have one other child (4.5), had 2 yrs of infertility before conceiving...and I'm finding myself tired, grumpy, anxious and annoyed frequently by 4 yr old dd - and then of course beating myself up over it b/c I "should" be ecstatic about a new baby and "should" be enjoying this 1:1 time more with dd (I went off work early due to worries about reoccurrence of complications).  Another child is what I wanted so badly and dreamed of...but I'm also realizing, like some other posters, I'll be back in babyland while friends have much older kids and more freedoms - and worried about how I'll cope, worried about how dh shows so little interest in this unborn baby, worried about loss, etc.

I guess for me, I just have to find some time to find ways to make these last 8 weeks more sacred....it's the last time I'll ever be pregnant and one day I will look with longing at pregnant women and romanticize that time in life....

It's actually refreshing to hear that others struggle with conflicting emotions also.  I remember my last pregnancy experiencing ambivalence (throwing myself into work and hoping baby would be "late")....and then when she arrived, my hormones kicked in and I didn't want to put her down, even though I still felt numb at times.  Breastfeeding is a guaranteed way of baby bonding - it's nature's way of ensuring baby bonds while mom's are busy being overwhelmed with other stuff!  And this baby will have the experience of siblings to also give attention.  

Edited by dot1 - 8/16/11 at 3:37pm

[Gabesgrrrl]

Sorry I've been out of touch...I appreciate the responses..:) I have been busy planning and then hosting my own babyshower-I've never had one, and since this is my last baby, it was important to me to do it. I am trying my best to really connect with this baby-I'm trying to think positively and to be thankful for what has been a really easy pregnancy so far, until about a week ago when my SI joint and lower back pain has been incredible. Mostly, this has been a pretty good journey for my last-baby seems healthy, and I am trying to focus on the positives...

I am so thankful for a forum of non-judgmental women who can listen to these emotions and not jump to any major conclusions about me or my parenting. It means a lot.

xoxo

Marcie

[tutucrazy]

Pi, I totally agree. I didn't "bond" right away with my son but just did what was necessary, lots of nursing and around the clock care. I also had a rough birthing experience and he was a c/s baby so that didn't help. I think the bonding just happened as I learned how to care for him. We co-slept and nursed so all that really stimulated bonding. I had a lot of guilt about DS's birth so I just tried to do what I could to make it up to him. We still co-sleep, he has never slept a night without one of his parents and he nursed until 12 days shy of 3. I can't give him his birth back but I sure did do what I could to make his first years as gentle as they come.

This pregnancy was unplanned so I spent the first weeks feeling very apprehensive and scared to have to do it all over again. My son was about to turn 3 and just weaning himself. I've come around though, and I know that things will be okay, even if I have to put all that fun stuff that I was doing on hold for awhile. Plus, this time i have more confidence as a mother and I know the things I will do the same and the things I'd like to do differently. That will be a huge help.