Q about maturity level of 7 yo

[rubidoux]

In some ways this seems like a silly Q and if someone else were asking, I think I'd have an easy answer, but when I look at my kid, I worry.  He's seven, but will be eight in just a few weeks.  He's basically going into second grade (but in the 7-8-9 year old room at the montessori).  He seems immature to me compared to his friends, but I *think* there is at least one other boy in class close in age who he is similar to him  --  which gives me hope that he's not off the charts.  

Anyhow, I think the big thing that makes him feel different from the other kids to me is that he seems not to be at all tuned in to what they will think of him.  In a way that's nice, like it would be great if it was just that he was super confident and had his own way of doing things and wasn't bothered by what other people thought of him.  But it's not like that.  It's like he just doesn't get it that there are certain ways all the other kids are acting, and he's not.  

It's kind of hard to explain without any concrete examples, and I don't have any good ones.  But he does sometimes have a complete meltdown over a bumped knee or something (which oddly he never did until the last couple of years).  The other kids aren't doing that much at all anymore (there is one kid who does it, but he looks more aware of it somehow, like embarrassed, where as ds doesn't seem to have any idea that it might look over the top or babyish).  

Another time I see it is at basketball practice, where the kids seem to be a little "cooler" than at school.  All of the other boys are very boyish about it all  --  they're usually serious and if they're playing around it's clearly in a way that BOYS play, so hard to explain what this looks like, but it's like they've been watching teenage boys on the court and are emulating them.  My little guy is off on the side doing ballet!  lmao  Alright, that sounds kinda cute, I know.  And I adore him for it.  But it just feels very odd to me that he doesn't somehow KNOW that's just not what you do on the basketball court because the other boys do know it, kwim?  (Btw, I wish it was what you did on the basketball court and I have not told him that's not what you do, and if he knew that you don't do it but he did it anyway, that would be a different kind of issue and might be completely fine.)  The other boys at basketball all move in a certain way and ds is just moving to a different drummer.  I hope that it will lead to him having his own style that isn't the cookie cutter image of what everyone else is doing, but I'm scared that as time goes on the other kids will become more and more refined in their cool kid behavior and ds will seem more lost.  

Could it just be that just turning 8 is a time where some kids are getting it and some are not yet, but that he just happens to be hanging with a bunch of precocious kids?

[LynnS6]

It's possible that he's always going to march a bit to his own drummer, and it's possible that he'll 'wise up' as he gets older. I suspect it's a combination of development and personality.

I did see some change in my older child between 7 and 9. At 7 (and even 8) he was fine playing pretend games with some kids on the playground (mostly girls). They had a really sweet story about Mr. Oakie, Mrs. Oakie and their children Leafy and Piney -- which were trees in the playground. It was a sad day when Mrs. Oakie fell over in a storm! In third grade, he realized that it wasn't 'cool' to play with the girls, but didn't really know what the boys did. He spent most of his recesses in the library reading, which was a bit sad. Toward the end of 3rd grade, he discovered sports and found his entree into the boys' world that way. Now he plays basketball every recess.

My younger child is 7 now, going into 2nd grade. She's more socially aware, but also more likely to march to her own drummer. The other girls in the neighborhood have told her directly that she dresses 'weird', yet she still chooses to change into ballet dresses or other interesting outfits as she does her imaginary play on the front lawn (this could be pjs, her bathrobe (which doubles as her Hogwarts cloak), or just a fancy dress). She'll pull her hair back in a bun, put lip gloss on and dance around the yard. I don't see this changing any time soon. She's got a very, um, intense personality, and really doesn't care right now what others think. Her ideas are much more interesting anyway!

I think as long as your son isn't bothered by the fact that he's different, he's probably fine. If not, some social skills learning might help, but I'd wait until he expresses distress.

[One_Girl]

Maybe he notices but doesn't care.  My dd does some very creative singing in the park and she doesn't care that most people are too embarrassed to narrate their actions in their opera voice while in public.  There are many other things she likes doing and so she does them even though she knows that it isn't necessarily cool. 

Is it possible that some of the meltdowns that he does are only for you because he cares more about the reaction you will give than about what the other kids will think?  My dd has a friend who really only melts down for his mom and then over silly little things.  When he is with his mom he is a totally different child, sometimes he will start to do his meltdown and notice she isn't around and he will stop (sometimes he goes off to have fun then sees her and starts up again).  He is fine socially, he just likes the response he gets from his mom (it is really funny to watch so I can see how he would).

[dovey]

My seven year old boy is also a lot like that.  I think he's proud to do his own thing.  He wants to wear velvet dresses to other kids' b-day parties.  He wants to have a "math themed" birthday party.  I worry that he looks down on other kids because maybe they wouldn't approve of a boy wearing dresses or they might think a math party is nerdy, and he wants to do these things just to prove a point.  Kinda like his dad.....But I digress.  I think what you describe your son doing just sounds like a lack of self consciousness.  It will come - I'm sure.  In my opinion, no need to rush the day.  He sounds like a sweet kid. 

[applecider]

I need reassurance for my 6.5 yo as well. This whole time I've been hoping that he WOULD dance to a different tune and now that he does, I worry that he won't be accepted by his peers and it will destroy him socially. I guess I just need to not worry so much!

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

Maybe he notices but doesn't care.  My dd does some very creative singing in the park and she doesn't care that most people are too embarrassed to narrate their actions in their opera voice while in public.  There are many other things she likes doing and so she does them even though she knows that it isn't necessarily cool. 

Is it possible that some of the meltdowns that he does are only for you because he cares more about the reaction you will give than about what the other kids will think?  My dd has a friend who really only melts down for his mom and then over silly little things.  When he is with his mom he is a totally different child, sometimes he will start to do his meltdown and notice she isn't around and he will stop (sometimes he goes off to have fun then sees her and starts up again).  He is fine socially, he just likes the response he gets from his mom (it is really funny to watch so I can see how he would).

I think he would care, though I can't be sure.  But, oddly enough, about some things he is very aware of what's expected of him.  Like, he's pretty rule oriented at school (so odd since we have almost no rules at all) and I'm pretty sure he's a teacher's dream and really tries to please the teachers and does a good job at it.  They, and the other parents who have been around him at school, are so surprised if I mention any kind of "misbehavior" (normal but difficult kid stuff).  He just doesn't seem tuned into his peers in terms of feeling any peer pressure.  It's funny because both of his best friends are pretty cool kids.  Dh cracked up when he came home one day to find one of them on our couch looking like a zoned out surfer dude, which he does, and said you could totally see what this guy is gonna be at 16.  lol  Whereas Milo is like a little kid still, yk? 
 

Originally Posted by dovey 

My seven year old boy is also a lot like that.  I think he's proud to do his own thing.  He wants to wear velvet dresses to other kids' b-day parties.  He wants to have a "math themed" birthday party.  I worry that he looks down on other kids because maybe they wouldn't approve of a boy wearing dresses or they might think a math party is nerdy, and he wants to do these things just to prove a point.  Kinda like his dad.....But I digress.  I think what you describe your son doing just sounds like a lack of self consciousness.  It will come - I'm sure.  In my opinion, no need to rush the day.  He sounds like a sweet kid. 

Gosh, that sounds kinda like me, too.  I am always railing against social rules myself.  I think I might worry but secretly love it if Milo were that way.  I do agree that as long as he gets to where he's supposed to be on this, it's probably all good, and the longer he gets to be free of it all, the better...  maybe.

Originally Posted by applecider 

I need reassurance for my 6.5 yo as well. This whole time I've been hoping that he WOULD dance to a different tune and now that he does, I worry that he won't be accepted by his peers and it will destroy him socially. I guess I just need to not worry so much!

Me too!  I don't know what I would do with a child who aspired to be a cheerleader or football player or something.  But now I'm not so sure.  I can't even believe there's a piece of me that wishes he'd start "acting like all the other boys."  But it is so easy to worry about them getting hurt.  And I always just feel kicked in the stomach when his feelings are hurt.  I cannot stand the idea of it!

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

It's possible that he's always going to march a bit to his own drummer, and it's possible that he'll 'wise up' as he gets older. I suspect it's a combination of development and personality.

I did see some change in my older child between 7 and 9. At 7 (and even 8) he was fine playing pretend games with some kids on the playground (mostly girls). They had a really sweet story about Mr. Oakie, Mrs. Oakie and their children Leafy and Piney -- which were trees in the playground. It was a sad day when Mrs. Oakie fell over in a storm! In third grade, he realized that it wasn't 'cool' to play with the girls, but didn't really know what the boys did. He spent most of his recesses in the library reading, which was a bit sad. Toward the end of 3rd grade, he discovered sports and found his entree into the boys' world that way. Now he plays basketball every recess.

My younger child is 7 now, going into 2nd grade. She's more socially aware, but also more likely to march to her own drummer. The other girls in the neighborhood have told her directly that she dresses 'weird', yet she still chooses to change into ballet dresses or other interesting outfits as she does her imaginary play on the front lawn (this could be pjs, her bathrobe (which doubles as her Hogwarts cloak), or just a fancy dress). She'll pull her hair back in a bun, put lip gloss on and dance around the yard. I don't see this changing any time soon. She's got a very, um, intense personality, and really doesn't care right now what others think. Her ideas are much more interesting anyway!

I think as long as your son isn't bothered by the fact that he's different, he's probably fine. If not, some social skills learning might help, but I'd wait until he expresses distress.

I like those stories about your kids, both make me feel better.  And he doesn't seem bothered.  I hope he never will be.  Right now he's at this tiny montessori school with only 12 kids in his class, so I'm a little bit scared of what happens when we change schools in 2 years (it only goes up through 3rd grade), but obviously that's a while off...
 

Thanks everyone for all of your suggestions!

[Linda on the move]

In your post, I see what might be flags for VERY MILD special needs. For reference, I have a daughter with Asperger's (she is gifted as well as being on the spectrum).
 

Originally Posted by rubidoux 

It's like he just doesn't get it that there are certain ways all the other kids are acting, and he's not.  

..  But he does sometimes have a complete meltdown over a bumped knee or something (which oddly he never did until the last couple of years).  .... ds doesn't seem to have any idea that it might look over the top or babyish).  

..... I'm scared that as time goes on the other kids will become more and more refined in their cool kid behavior and ds will seem more lost.  

Could it just be that just turning 8 is a time where some kids are getting it and some are not yet, but that he just happens to be hanging with a bunch of precocious kids?

Chances are that between school and basketball, you are seeing what you child is like around others his age, and you are seeing subtle differences. He's less tuned into to social norms. The meltdown over his knee might not just be about the social norm, but possibly be about trouble telling where his body is in space or sensory issues being a bit out of wack.

Originally Posted by rubidoux 

I think he would care, though I can't be sure.  But, oddly enough, about some things he is very aware of what's expected of him.  Like, he's pretty rule oriented at school (so odd since we have almost no rules at all) 

...I like those stories about your kids, both make me feel better.  And he doesn't seem bothered.  I hope he never will be.  Right now he's at this tiny montessori school with only 12 kids in his class, so I'm a little bit scared of what happens when we change schools in 2 years (it only goes up through 3rd grade), but obviously that's a while off...

"Rigid Thinking" is another flag.

It sounds like for now, his quirkiness isn't causing him any real problems. His school works for him, he has friends (this is HUGE), and he sounds happy (also HUGE).

My questions to try to figure out if something is going on that specific types of parenting or therapies could be helpful for are:

1. Does he have fine or gross motor problems?

2. Does he have sensory issues?

3. Does he seem to understand where his body is in space?

4. When you try to explain social norms to him, such as how to act at basketball, does he catch on when explicitly taught?

Depending on your answers to these questions, I wouldn't be worried but rather look for an activity better suited to him than basketball.

However, if there are other flags, I would check into more now rather than waiting because when you change schools, he might be eligable for and benefit from some accommodations, but those will only be available with a proper diagnosis (dx) and getting a dx can be a long, involved process as some cities have wait list to see the kind of specialist involved. My DD's last evaluation was about a year long process from getting on name on the wait list to getting the report.

A book you might find helpful is: Quirky Kids: When to Worry and When NOT to Worry by Klass.

http://www.amazon.com/Quirky-Kids-Understanding-Helping-Doesnt/dp/0345451430

Even if he has something going on that could be labeled, it's OK. My DD is happy. She's been on her own schedule and she isn't like other kids, but she's 14 now and she's doing really well. Her social skills have started to come along this last year. She's at a point NOW where she is interested in what other girls in age are doing. But part of the reason she does so well is because we've been honest with ourselves about what is going on with her, and gotten her a lot of help in the form of therapies, social skills class, etc.

Peace

[rubidoux]

I have actually worried that there might be something more going on, but after talking to my husband, my therapist, and Milo's teachers about it, I decided to let it go at least for the time-being.  I worried about it when he was younger, and then after my second was born the differences between them were so shocking to me and I started reading a little about asperger's, because I was pretty sure he at least had some of the signs.  At some point I found a list of symptoms for each year, like at one they'd have x,y,z symptoms, at two they'd have a couple more, etc.  And it was crazy because he had every single one right through age 3 and then NONE.  His teachers thought I was stark raving mad for even asking them about it.  They seem to think he's sort of perfect, and I almost wonder if that's clouding their vision  --  he is one of those kids who saves all of his difficult behaviors for home with the family and is super easy going and well-behaved when he's out.  And he is pretty focused and motivated about school.  So I wonder if since he's following the rules and is easy and is doing well academically, they don't really see what's going on with him.  

I will get the Peri Klass book (I have already read several of her books and I think she's great!) and maybe talk to my therapist about it again (I think most of his clients are actually children, so he's a good resource).  

I'm curious about whether he could have some spatial issue or motor problems.  It's funny, there are things that have sort of driven me crazy about him that I thought were just kid things, but maybe not.  Like, and this is a silly example, he doesn't seem to know where to stand to get through a closed door that opens towards him.  lol  I think that has gotten better now.  But there have been times that I have been so incredulous about how he'd go stand right in front of the door, so you couldn't open it, when he wanted to get out.  And I have thought, wow, kids just have to learn everything about the world, huh.  I'll have to pay some attention to how my two year old handles these things.  Otoh, tonight he had a belt test at karate and there were four kids close in age and he looked very coordinated next to them, and even compared to some of the older kids.  There was this one six year-old who carried himself like a 14 year old.  And then there was a six year old who was doing ballet, just like Milo does at basketball (he NEVER does that at karate though, how odd!).  So, it seemed like the kids really ran the gamut, and compared to them, he seemed to be doing fine for his age.  

At basketball, there're only four kids, and I believe at least two of the other kids are a year older than Milo (they're all 7-8 years old).  So, it may be he's on the young end.  And then one of these kids seems to be oddly mature for his age.  He's a great basketball player, like head and shoulders above any of the other kids I've seen, and he has been basically running the practices.  The coach is pretty inept and it's obvious to the kid and he has somehow managed to, in a very nice way and not at all confrontational to the coach, take over and start working on drills with the other kids.  And sometimes he'll even stop everybody and work one-on-one with one of the other kids to help them with a specific kind of shot or whatever.  It's actually pretty stunning.  So, I don't know...  

And this is an odd Q, and maybe totally off target, but do kids with spatial issues have a hard time learning how to tie their shoes?  I think most of the reason he's so old and not tying yet is because we haven't worked much on it, but part of the reason we haven't worked much on it is that he gets so frustrated and it feels like we make no progress.  

I sure wish there was some way you could just know that it was all going to work out okay.  Sigh...

[applecider]

Wow, your son sounds so much like mine! I don't know what to do either. Keep us posted on how things are going for you.

[rubidoux]

I got the Perri Klass book today and read a chapter so far and it makes me feel a bit better, like if he does have *issues*, they are very mild.  Then I went and looked at the "red flags" at http://firstsigns.org and there was a list that said, if your baby has two of these, you should talk to a pediatrician.  And he had about half of two.  lol  One was "lack of appropriate eye gaze," and I'd say he had some appropriate eye gaze (I'm assuming this means eye contact?) but when he was a baby/toddler it didn't seem like enough and the other was "lack of showing gestures," and he did some gesturing (mostly pointing, reaching for me or things) but not as much as is normal, I don't think (refused to wave until he was like three!).  So, I just don't know what to think.  Sigh...  Oh, and I did a google search for "asperger's tying shoes" and guess what, turns out that kids with asperger's do tend to have a hard time tying their shoes.  

Anyhow...  applecider, I will try to keep you updated!

[Linda on the move]

My DD (who is nearly 15 and whose primary dx is Asperger's) couldn't tie shoes until she was 13. It is still extremely difficult for her. She has serious fine motor delays/deficits, but they show up in a variety of ways. At 7, her ability to hold a pencil, write, play with legos etc was very different from her neurotypical (nt) peers, which is why I asked about your son's other fine motor skills.
 

I don't really think the baby stuff matters at this point. Asperger's isn't usually dx'ed until kids are at least 6 because all of the behaviors associated with it that aren't not part of classical autism can occur in nt children. There's no reason to label or get hung up on something a child simply outgrows. I also don't think that needing a little more coaching from a parent on some specific skill counts as a special need. Most people have somethings that are a little more difficult for them than other things.

It's really the line where a parent helping a child, explaining things, etc. isn't enough that the problem starts -- it's how much these differences effect a child's quality of life, even with a great deal of parental help and support.

After all, it really doesn't matter how much ANY of us looked at faces when we were babies if we are now capable of social interactions that we and others find fulfilling.

[rubidoux]

I agree, Linda, about the baby stuff not mattering now.  I was just thinking about his history in terms of figuring out what's going on with him now, kwim?  Like, a difficulty in tying shoes alone would be nothing to think about, but taken with his behaviors as a baby it might seem more significant.  

Or are you saying that if a child, say, isn't talking at 2, if they are caught up to where you'd expect a 3 year old to be at 3, then the fact that they were late is in no way a sign that something was amiss?

I do think he's doing great in so many ways.  I'm considering this stuff now more in terms of trying to understand what's going on with him than worrying about nailing down a dx.  It's very likely I'll never talk to a professional about it.  But when I'm sitting down to work on shoe tying with him, it might help if I realize that he's not just being difficult, iykwim.

[rhianna813]

I have a 7 year old who will be 8 in November. He is an only child who didn’t attend daycare or preschool, but has been in K and 1^st grade at public school. DS is very mature emotionally in that he is sensitive to others needs and feelings. He is also into all things boy: legos, dinosaurs, army guys, camo, bikes, running around crazy. He is very social and a good helper. Adults and teachers describe him as having an innocence they rarely see and that he has an amazing spirit. I agree.

He also seems oblivious to the coolness of others. He will dance around or run around crazy when the other boys are getting serious about their sport/plan/game. He will act goofy all on his own and not even notice that other kids are sorta migrating away from him LOL

Given this, he attracts the other “marchers to the beat of their drums” as friends too. Just like I did J

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by rubidoux 

Or are you saying that if a child, say, isn't talking at 2, if they are caught up to where you'd expect a 3 year old to be at 3, then the fact that they were late is in no way a sign that something was amiss?

no, that's not quite what I mean. What I meant was that where he is RIGHT NOW is far more important than trying to back track to his babyhood.

My DD has had evaluations at different ages. At her last one she was 13. I had to give a complete run down of everything -- every milestone, every issue. In a way, it all matters.

But what matters the very most is what is happening now. How is his speech now? How does he do writing compared to his peers? Does he have sensory issues? Does he catch on when you explain social behavior to him (if you have tried to explain it)?

My concern for you son is that being in a small alternative school may be masking what is going on with him, and that if you wait until he starts traditional school to figure it out, it could a year to get in to see someone and get a report. A year that he won't get any accommodation at school, a year he may be very miserable.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

But what matters the very most is what is happening now. How is his speech now? How does he do writing compared to his peers? Does he have sensory issues? Does he catch on when you explain social behavior to him (if you have tried to explain it)?

My concern for you son is that being in a small alternative school may be masking what is going on with him, and that if you wait until he starts traditional school to figure it out, it could a year to get in to see someone and get a report. A year that he won't get any accommodation at school, a year he may be very miserable.

Hmmmm...  I'm pretty sure his speech is in a normal range.  And his handwriting is normal.  I don't think he has sensory issues, though I don't know a whole lot about them, but he doesn't seem to be over-sensitive about anything.  

I haven't done much in terms of explaining the kinds of social behaviors that I see happening at basketball.  I have been thinking that it is up to him, whether he wants to be more like everyone else or not.  I wonder if I should talk to him about it.  I feel like the social stuff that I have addressed with him tends to be about his relationship with his brother.  He's fairly mild mannered and polite when we're with other people, but he can get very frustrated and cranky with his brother at home.  So, we do talk some about how to treat each other, and I think he does *understand* what I'm saying but I don't know how much he *feels* it, or even how much is appropriate for him to feel, since it must be awfully frustrating to have a two year-old brother sometimes.  Maybe I will try talking to him more about this stuff.  My approach has been very hands off.  Maybe it shouldn't be, if only to get more of a handle on where he is.  

It's really hard for me to imagine that he'll need any academic accommodations.  We started him in pre-school (the 3-4-5 year old room) at five and he was very behind where a five year old would normally be starting out.  He wasn't properly holding a pencil, he barely knew the alphabet, didn't recognize most letters (not sure if he recognized any at that point), I don't think he was counting to 20 yet, and he had NO interest in doing any of that.  But, by the end of that first year he was starting to read chapter books out loud to us.  In his two years in the 5-6-7 year old room he's progressed in his work to the point that he'd probably be able to go into 3rd grade if he was going to a more traditional school.  As far as academic work is concerned it doesn't seem like he has any trouble spots so far.  

My worries are all about the social stuff, which it doesn't seem like there'd be any services for, would there?  I guess this is all fairly complicated stuff and it wouldn't be purely social, but would involve the way he thinks and processes things.  If we did run into something like that, like we put him in a more traditional school and he's flailing around needing help, could we do something privately while we were waiting for the normal process, whatever that is, to happen?  The specter of waiting around for a year while he's miserable sounds awful, but I feel like we'd be able to do *something*.  I don't think he'll be going to a normal public school any time soon (probably never as his father is dead set against it) and will probably stay at this school for the next two years and then move to a different montessori that goes up to 8th grade.  That school is a lot bigger (right now they have 60 3rd graders), so I can imagine that it could present some challenges, but I also think they're very committed to meeting the needs of the students.  

Anyway, today was a good day and somewhat comforting about my particular concerns.  We went to this indoor play place that's aimed toward children around his age and up and he actually ended up playing with a couple of boys for an hour until they left, one his age and one younger, and then after that he played with another boy who looked to be a little older than him.  And he seemed to be at ease with them all and having fun.  Whatever else, other kids generally seem to like him and he doesn't have a hard time initiating play with kids he doesn't know or having friendships with kids at school.  Maybe he's just kinda goofy but likable and that's okay?  But I'm not sure.  Gah!

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by rhianna813 

I have a 7 year old who will be 8 in November. He is an only child who didn’t attend daycare or preschool, but has been in K and 1^st grade at public school. DS is very mature emotionally in that he is sensitive to others needs and feelings. He is also into all things boy: legos, dinosaurs, army guys, camo, bikes, running around crazy. He is very social and a good helper. Adults and teachers describe him as having an innocence they rarely see and that he has an amazing spirit. I agree.

He also seems oblivious to the coolness of others. He will dance around or run around crazy when the other boys are getting serious about their sport/plan/game. He will act goofy all on his own and not even notice that other kids are sorta migrating away from him LOL

Given this, he attracts the other “marchers to the beat of their drums” as friends too. Just like I did J

Awww, they'd probably enjoy each other!  :)  

Ya know, I think I am the "cool" one in our family.    I was always very outgoing and a bit of a partier when I was younger, and just all out there socially, and I was definitely aware of *how to behave* in a way that Milo doesn't seem to be getting yet.  But I have always been more attracted to the different drum marchers, for sure.  So, it's such an odd position to be in, to worry that he's not "normal" enough, when I've surrounded myself with really lovely but not terribly normal people my whole life.  Normal people are so boring.  But I guess the real question is, are they happy???  I suppose more than wanting him to be an interesting person, I want him to be happy.  And he may be different and happy, it's just scary not to know.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by rubidoux 

I haven't done much in terms of explaining the kinds of social behaviors that I see happening at basketball.  I have been thinking that it is up to him, whether he wants to be more like everyone else or not.  I wonder if I should talk to him about it.  I feel like the social stuff that I have addressed with him tends to be about his relationship with his brother. 

Ultimately it is up to him whether or not he wants to be more like everyone else. It's really a very personal decision. However, you could give him more information so that he could make a real choice. People vary widely in how much they prefer to blend in, and how much they are fine just being themselves. The line where this becomes a special need is when a person CANNOT make that choice -- when they don't understand the social guidelines enough to follow them, even when taught. For some children on the spectrum, this isn't even painful. They are not wired to need social interaction so the fact that they are unable to get it doesn't bother them For many kids on the high end of the spectrum, this is extremely painful, because they, like most people, have a deep desire to be able to interact. They are simple unable to meet that need. These are the children who are most likely to be bullied, to end up very depressed. These are the kids who kill themselves, or try to.

It's ironic, in a way, because many parents work avidly at teaching their kids that's it OK to just be yourself and not to be concerned with what others think and do or how they perceive. Raising two kids who are now teens -- one on the spectrum and one really normal -- I think that what we all really want for our kids is a balance. One must be a little tied into how groups work and what others are feeling in order to have healthy, normal interactions. Every one wants their child to have friends, to be liked. We all want our kids to be happy, and for most people part of that is being able to create meaningful relationship and feel connected.

None the less, we want them to retain the ability to think for themselves and to understand that point when being different from the group is really best. Sometimes because it is just about being themselves and sometimes  because it's about doing the right thing, or staying safe.

I, personally, think that teaching your son to pick up more on what other boys his age are doing *might* be helpful for him in the long run. Teaching him for example that getting really freaked out over a small cut isn't OK for someone his age could spare him having that cruelly pointed out to him by another child. 

But, because he doesn't have sensory issues or motor issues, I doubt that he is even mildly on the spectrum because pretty much every kid on the spectrum has a variety of issues. It sounds like he is able to interact with kids in a variety of settings.

It's really hard for me to imagine that he'll need any academic accommodations......My worries are all about the social stuff, which it doesn't seem like there'd be any services for, would there?  I guess this is all fairly complicated stuff and it wouldn't be purely social, but would involve the way he thinks and processes things.  If we did run into something like that, like we put him in a more traditional school and he's flailing around needing help, could we do something privately while we were waiting for the normal process, whatever that is, to happen? 

There are a variety of services, and social skills classes and groups can be part of that. A dx like "asperger's" means that the school can do what it needs to make the situation work for the child. For example, part of my DD's accommodations included being able to skip class and go to the social workers office at any point. She didn't need to say anything to the teacher or anyone, she could just leave. Most kids can't do that. Most kids need to explain what is going on with them in front of all their peers. She had the option of changing classes before everyone else in middle school so that she could navigate the hallways and lockers in a calmer way -- without the hustle and bustle. She had a paper work that explained what was going on with her, and all her teacher had the opportunity to understand her, instead of just trying to get her to fit into a mold that she never will, or punishing her for her complete inability to do what most her peers easily can.

And it doesn't matter how much private help you can get your child, if your child has special needs and you do not have paper work to back up what it is and exactly what is going on with them, you tie the schools hands. They cannot do anything, modify anything, help your child, or even understand your child for the 6-7 hours a day that they are there.

But most kids on the spectrum, even the high end (my DD is gifted as well having autism) have other issues that require accommodation -- such as fine motor issues, sensory issues, communication issues, etc.

Homeschooling or having a child in a private school who has special needs but not bothering to get a dx is like driving without insurance. You don't know what the future holds, and the amount of time it takes to sort this stuff out is something that most people really don't understand. Sometimes it goes faster, but a year is not uncommon.

For your son, I think that you and your husband explicitly teaching him social skills makes sense. Let him have more power to create his own interactions with others. My strongly stated views that kids with special needs need evaluations and paper work *in case they end up in a regular school* really is more for someone lurking on the thread, who is reasonably sure that their child has something significant going on but currently opting to ignore it rather than getting help.