Would you keep fighting family members over the last 3 lbs? ERF a 3 year old

[Michelle Renee]

I am in a pickle.   My daughter is 3 years old and 30 lbs and we have had intense pressure from family to turn her.  It is actually a source of strife between family members.  (MIL has turned DD repeatedly my DH despite asking her not do this)  At this point, DD is 3 years old and 30 lbs.  Is it worth still fighting?

Their is a catch. DD has extra fluid on the front of her head (benign hydrocephalus/ megacephaly)  so she is top heavy.   Her head is big - we have had multiple MRI's/cat scans/ etc along the way.  She is mostly okay except for some broad gross motor delays.

I keep thinking her head is heavy - rear face her as long as possible.   She is in a decathalon with family members and a graco my ride in the family car  (much more comphy looking of a seat IMO).

How much longer would you keep fighting over this?  DH asked when we could turn her.  He said "Come on Michelle - no one rear faces until 2 much less THREE"

Doctors arent much help either..

Thanks for advice

[Megan73]

Your husband's wrong - my 30 pound three-year-old is rear facing and he'll RF in his Radian until he's 45 pounds unless he outgrows it by height first.
ESPECIALLY given your daughter's medical issues, why turn her without a pressing reason? Why do they care? Challenge them to tell you WHY you should turn her.

[Michelle Renee]

I have showed the videos from youtube and given the research.   They say she is uncomfortable with her legs and wants to watch DVD's (?!!?!?!) with our oldest.  They have a new van with the works media center.

It is hard - they are old school European and come from time/place when car seats werent even used.

They take the seats in and out so installing and leaving them isnt an option..

Just very frustrated.

[Maedze]

Given her medical condition, I agree with you that is even more important for *her* to rear face to the limits of the seat than for other children. 

Two things though:

1.  it sounds like you have a seat with a 33 lb rear facing limit on it.  What's the DOM of the seat?  Britax switched to 35 lb rear facing several years back, so any 33 lb seats are on their last 1-2 years of life, if they have any left at all.  If the seat was your older child's you may need to double check.

2.  This is much more a parenting and respect issue than a safety issue (although it's definitely a safety issue).   Your in laws don't get to make parenting decisions for you    Given their resistance to safety, and to your authority,  my guess is they are *not* installing the seats correctly.  You may want to re-evaluate allowing them to transport your children at all if they will not leave the seats alone.   If they are installing the seat forward facing against your express wishes, that is another issue that suggests they do not care about undermining your authority. 

[Michelle Renee]

Originally Posted by Maedze 

Given her medical condition, I agree with you that is even more important for *her* to rear face to the limits of the seat than for other children. 

Two things though:

1.  it sounds like you have a seat with a 33 lb rear facing limit on it.  What's the DOM of the seat?  Britax switched to 35 lb rear facing several years back, so any 33 lb seats are on their last 1-2 years of life, if they have any left at all.  If the seat was your older child's you may need to double check.

I know the seats are sometime from 2006.  Oldest was born in April/06 and all seats are made after that.  We have had a pricey situation in the sense we have outfitted *5* cars with seats (Mom/Dad/Inlaws/MyMom/Primary Caregiver)

Oldest rides in a regent or nautilus - both have dates I believe 2007 and up.

2.  This is much more a parenting and respect issue than a safety issue (although it's definitely a safety issue).   Your in laws don't get to make parenting decisions for you    Given their resistance to safety, and to your authority,  my guess is they are *not* installing the seats correctly.  You may want to re-evaluate allowing them to transport your children at all if they will not leave the seats alone.   If they are installing the seat forward facing against your express wishes, that is another issue that suggests they do not care about undermining your authority. 

Ohhhh the authority thing is huge.  Also is giving me HUGE understandings and insight into my husband and some of the problems we have had.  This statement now makes sense when he says it to me "Why the *blleeeep* do you ask me what I think if you won't even listen to me?"   (when I have run over DH's opinion on anything in the past)

It is really hard.  I am at a crossroads with his parents.  My children *adore* them.  They are younger, have tons of energy, more affluent then we are, and spoil the crap out of them.  They have respected so many of my other requests - cosleeping, holding babies all the time, feeding donor milk, homemade solids, etc.  Oh boy ya know?

[AllyRae]

There's an easy answer to this in our house...

"Thank you for your thoughts, but I am her parent.  So, lovely weather we're having today, isn't it?"

I'm not even sure why it's a matter of debate...you are the parent, and the carseats (I assume) are your property, as is the car (I assume).  Therefore, the only one that should be adjusting them is you, unless you have given permission otherwise.  It shouldn't be a source of strife...the family members who are being busybodies should just move on, because in the grand scheme of things, the fact that the child is facing backwards in a car should have relatively no impact on anything they are doing.  

We have a child with autism who is still harnessed in a 5 point convertible seat and is almost 8.  It's not negotiable...he's in a carseat and not a booster due to core muscle strength issues. If something wants to try negotiating it (which they don't, because it is none of their business. :lol: ), I pull the "thanks, but I'm the parent" card.

[Spirit Dancer]

Just my 2 cents but I would turn her ffing. I would not feel it was worth fighting the battle over anymore. But you are the parent so you do what you want.

[Michelle Renee]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

There's an easy answer to this in our house...

"Thank you for your thoughts, but I am her parent.  So, lovely weather we're having today, isn't it?"

I'm not even sure why it's a matter of debate...you are the parent, and the carseats (I assume) are your property, as is the car (I assume).  Therefore, the only one that should be adjusting them is you, unless you have given permission otherwise.  It shouldn't be a source of strife...the family members who are being busybodies should just move on, because in the grand scheme of things, the fact that the child is facing backwards in a car should have relatively no impact on anything they are doing.  

We have a child with autism who is still harnessed in a 5 point convertible seat and is almost 8.  It's not negotiable...he's in a carseat and not a booster due to core muscle strength issues. If something wants to try negotiating it (which they don't, because it is none of their business. :lol: ), I pull the "thanks, but I'm the parent" card.

The seats are in their vehicles.

My 5 year old is on spectrum and she also has low tone through the core -she will be harnessed FOREVerrrrrr! 

They take them out when they dont use them.  We have installed them multiple times but also try and understand for weekends only they may not want them in.

[sosurreal09]

OK here's the thing, if you've only got 3 more lbs IDK if it's worth it, but then again IDK the rate at which your DD gains weight.

I would keep her RF as long as possible (like 5 y/o or whenever she reaches the 45lb limit!) but in order to do that you need a new seat.

So if you've got another year RF b/c she will gain only 3lbs in a year then it is absolutely worth it! If she's 3lbs heavier in a few months or something, well IDK if it is.

Regardless your husband is YOUR husband and he should be backing you up period. I would be irate if my husband turned on me and took his mom's side.

[scottishmommy]

I wish I could keep DD rear facing longer, but she's already 35 lbs. We are buying a mininvan soon, so I'm going to get a seat with a higher rf weight limit. If I were you I would keep her rear facing and completely ignore everything your in laws say. If they give you grief, pretend you don't hear them. If they turn your carseat, don't let them transport your kids. My MIL, although very sweet, can be a little pushy. I've learned to just pretend I don't hear her, and normally she drops it. I know it's kinda immature, but whatever.
Just an aside, but why do people think tots are more comfortable forward facing? My DD has nowhere to put her legs, and doesn't fall asleep easily in the car anymore. Who wants their legs dangling in the air? Also, kids love being all squished up. Their hips are crazy flexible. I just think it's weird.

[queenjane]

My boys were both rfing until after age 3. But then we no longer had a minivan and had to use my sister's small car, and it didnt seem worth it to me to try to fit two carseats rfing, plus a 9 yr old child, into the back of that car. Once i turned them forward facing, when we did get another van, i didnt bother to turn them around again since i knew i would be ffing them within the year anyway. Now we're back into a car, so it doesnt matter.

Are they just in g'parents car on the weekends? If you are comfortable enough with it, i'd just let her ride ff in their car and rfing in yours, if the battle about this is causing strain it might not be your hill to die on. OTOH i agree this is more of a respect issue, and if its more about *that* then i've found with such types giving in once opens the door to them thinking they control more than you want them to. Only you can decide that. Another thing to consider...if they are taking the seats out and installing them again, are they doing it properly? If its easier to get a better install ff than rf (or vice versa) thats another consideration.

As far as your husband saying no one rf past three...when my boys were about 2.5 yrs old we were talking to a police officer and he noticed they were rf, and went on to praise me for it, saying he doesnt often see it at that age but really wished people would do it as its sooo much safer. I would never expected a cop in our little city to even know about erf let alone touting its benefits!

[dejagerw]

Personally, I also don't think it should really be up for discussion with the extended family. You and DH should discuss it, and eventually agree. (Or like in my case, while my hubby wouldn't mind turning our almost 3 year old ff, he'll go along with rf because I'm passionate about it.) It's a parenting issue and you are the parent. Me, I would still keep her rf because it's safer, she's got a different body than the average 3 year old, so it's even safer for her to be rf. But also, I wouldn't want my family thinking they can convince me of something if they just keep hounding me about it. I'd feel like I'd just have to endure endless nagging over anything they think they can change my mind about (but that's just me). If I were you, I'd pick when I plan to turn her and stick to it.

My son is 33 months, 33 pounds and rearfacing. He'll be rearfacing until 45 pounds (or unless he outgrows it by height). He may also go forward facing if we have a 3rd child and the car seats don't all fit well rearfacing in the back. Or I may just turn him ff once we have a 3rd one for convenience (which won't be for a least another year).

[galincognito]

we just turned dd1 forward facing at 4y1m.  so it can happen!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by AllyRae 

There's an easy answer to this in our house...

"Thank you for your thoughts, but I am her parent.  So, lovely weather we're having today, isn't it?"

I'm not even sure why it's a matter of debate...you are the parent, and the carseats (I assume) are your property, as is the car (I assume).  Therefore, the only one that should be adjusting them is you, unless you have given permission otherwise.  It shouldn't be a source of strife...the family members who are being busybodies should just move on, because in the grand scheme of things, the fact that the child is facing backwards in a car should have relatively no impact on anything they are doing.  

We have a child with autism who is still harnessed in a 5 point convertible seat and is almost 8.  It's not negotiable...he's in a carseat and not a booster due to core muscle strength issues. If something wants to try negotiating it (which they don't, because it is none of their business. :lol: ), I pull the "thanks, but I'm the parent" card.

Agreed. This is a non-issue and certainly not a fight. I'm mom. What I say goes. End of story. If a certain person doesn't respect me enough to follow my rules with my kids, they will not be left alone with my child again. If anyone turned my child's carseat around, knowing I had already said no, that would be the last time they drove my child. There are certain things I smile and nod and try to ignore (like when my MIL is giving my ds chocolate before dinner) and there are some things I will not allow to happen for any reason (car seat issues, for one).