Bossiness in a 3.5 year old

[Snowflake777]

My older daughter is 3.5. She's recently started to become rather "bossy" (I put that in quotation marks because I don't intend it with all the negative connotations. I can't think of a more neutral word to describe it). She tends to take on the role of little police officer, telling others what to do and trying to enforce correct behaviour.

She does this mostly with other kids, but she'll do it with adults as well. For example, if the baby is fussing and she feels I'm not tending to her quickly enough, she'll say "You need to pick her up, mum". Or if I've asked DH three times to take the trash out, she'll tell him "Don't be on the computer. You're supposed to be taking the trash out now". All of this is said in a world-weary tone, like "Geez, get it together people...sigh". It's kind of obnoxious, kind of funny & adorable.

I don't think it's coming from a place of wanting to be domineering so much as just genuinely wanting people to behave as they should. I can't really blame her. She sees adults constantly telling others what to do, so why would she not do the same?

So far we've been telling her "Stop worrying about what other people are doing and focus on yourself..." and "You don't need to tell little Timmy what to do, his mother is right here...", or words to that general effect. It basically goes in one ear and out the other.

Any suggestions on how to handle this more effectively? I'm not out to quash it completely, but I'd like to help her channel it into effective leadership skills, as opposed to just being meddlesome.

[nina_yyc]

I don't see anything wrong with being really explicit about it.  Just tell her that people don't like to be told what to do.  If it is an appropriate request but it comes across bossy give her phrasing to repeat, like "can you please xyz."  You can get into manners and feelings if you want to introduce it.  She's 3.5 though so I don't think it's realistic to expect her to have it all figured out in short order. 

My DD is bossy too and at 4.5 she is now able to recognize that speaking that way is unacceptable and will adjust if corrected, but doesn't always remember to ask politely the first time or to back off on other kids.  To be honest we are pretty pleased with that amount of progress.  Why other people don't always behave the way they should and when a reminder is appropriate is a really advanced concept!

Around 3.5 I had issues with the way she treated other kids on playdates (she was basically an only child at that point because DS was a baby and didn't really play yet) so we talked about letting other people have input into play.  We practiced by building a lego tower together, each putting on one piece at a time.  Every time she told me what color to pick or where to put it, we started again from scratch. 

We also tell her to focus on herself, especially if she is trying to "help" her little brother before she has her own stuff figured out.  We're also trying to channel the leadership without creating a little dictator ;-)  We do family meetings where her input is recognized and give her chores so she has little things to be responsible for - works great for us.

ETA: would drive me crazy if I had to ask DH to take out trash 3 times.

another ETA:  I know in our case, DD totally gets it from us!  DH and I like to think we run a tight ship and have things done a certain way.  This can very quickly devolve into "do this/do that" so I consciously try to watch that.  I try to give DD tons of autonomy and say things like "it's time to go" rather than "Put on your shoes.  Now put on your coat."  etc.  I don't know if this applies for you but just putting it out there.

Edited by nina_yyc - 8/14/11 at 8:04am