Dear Friend,
It is evident from your post that you have responded with love and compassion to your son’s temperament and tried to make his life as comfortable as possible by meeting his needs. You have given tremendously of yourself, and I hear that it is starting to take a toll on you. It is very understandable why you feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and depleted.
I will try to separate out the issues as presented so that you can get clarity and hopefully, find relief.
1. Acceptance: Level one involves accepting what is; at this point, you have a son who is interested in nursing all day and all night, and he becomes intensely undone when his needs are meant. You are right to disregard friends who say this will end at such and such month; thus far, this is your experience and there is no guarantee when your son’s needs and reactions are going to change. All you are in charge of are your actions, not your sons’ reactions and no one can predict how his development and responses will unfold.
2. Self-Care: Given your son’s temperament and your responsive parenting, I think a certain level of regular self-care is mandatory to fill your reserves. If we as attachment parenting mothers neglect ourselves for too long, often, the natural self-preserving instincts will take over and manifest a non-negotiable reason for separation in some form or another. I encourage you to take pro-active measures before things get too extreme. Read this post for the 15-15 L.O.V.E. Parenting technique: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=820. Read this post for self-care as well: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=761. Finally, look up the L.O.V.E. Parenting RIIO/T&A technique to create more balance in your daily life: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?page_id=11
3. Resentment: Create a place to put your angry and resentful feelings: a journal, friend or a professional. Include your disappointment that the milestone ages were reached without a change.
4. Context: It is not unusual for a high-needs, highly sensitive child to always want to sleep on a body and to wake frequently at night.
5. Walking through the no: Create an understanding within yourself that if your son doesn’t get what he wants he may be angry and may express this dramatically. If you create space for your son to feel his feelings, and you don’t change in reaction to his expression, he will start to learn to bridge himself to the other side of “no,” which is a skill like any other that takes practice to develop. You can set a limit and still emanate full love and empathetic support. Read this post for an illustrative example of an empathetic response: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=993
6. Night Weaning: Night weaning is most always met with extreme resistance from the child. In your case, I would first practice setting some limits in the daylight (not around nursing) so your son can practice “getting through the no,” as a skill set (see #5.) Then, I would write out your guilt about night weaning (in saying no, at your son’s upset, etc.,) and your grief (at letting go of part of his childhood, at the finality, etc.) Once you have released your guilt and grief, and once you are at peace with the notion of “no nursing at night,” despite your son’s protest, you are ready to begin to night wean.
Start the process with a daytime discussion about how things are going to be different at night. Make a chart and count down the days until “no more nursing at night.” Let your son nurse as much as he wants to during the day. (You will have more energy for this knowing night weaning is coming and once he is night weaned.) And, then, on the appointed day, NO MORE NURSING AT NIGHT. He will protest. He will protest loudly. If you have any room internally to change your mind he will find it. You have to be 100% clear and not waiver. You cannot match his energy. You have to be a beacon of calm and love, with a gentle hand and a soft, sleepy, gentle voice, simply reassuring but reiterating the limit: “I love you. I hear that you are upset. We will nurse as much as you want once it’s daylight. Nighttime is for sleeping. I was sleeping and you are waking me up. My eyes are closed and I’m only talking to remind you of what is going on. I am going back to sleep now. You need to close your eyes and go to sleep now.” You can say less than this, in fact, less is more. You want to illustrate the behavior you are seeking by example. The only way your son will move on is when he realizes there is nothing going on to wake up for; no playing, no walking, no talking, no nursing; only sleeping.
Since you describe such a strong physical reaction when you’ve withheld nursing at night in the past, you or your husband may need to bear hug/contain him with a gentle rocking motion and then eventually lay back with him in that position. Try the old fashioned, “there, there;” it is simple and soothing. Again, you are trying not to match your son’s energy; you are a train with one destination: “night time is for sleep, daytime is for waking and feeding.”
Here is another step-by-step guide to night weaning: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=519
7. More Ideas: Read this post with more ideas for creating a positive relationship with sleep. It includes giving your child a voice, reframing sleep, & daylight connection: http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=876. I also recommend this piece on locations for the bedtime routine; setting things up well for greater success in nighttime sleeping. http://www.loveparentingla.com/?p=857
8. A book recommendation: Lastly, this book may prove helpful: Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic by Mary Kursinka
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288
I hope this proves helpful for you.
All the best,
Jessica
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