Originally Posted by SilverFish
to me, this situation (not to mention the verbal abuse) means that he lacks some serious judgement, and i personally would not want to be partnered to someone like that. if you can convince him that his drinking is a real problem and he seeks help, then fine, maybe things will work out. but unless he realizes that in general alcohol is a problem (i.e not just a mistake in this particular circumstance, but a larger issue), i'm not sure there's much you can do besides finding alternative childcare and deciding what you want to do about the relationship in the longterm.
I don't know if I should have called the situation we had been through before "verbal abuse." It was more like snapping at me, saying things like "don't worry, gosh/you worry too much" and speaking about the situation we were in at the moment. He has never put me down.
Originally Posted by SilverFish
yes, i definitely know what you mean. i think you should be willing to give him another chance if you haven't been clear before on how unacceptable you find this. again, if it were me, i'd tell him that i was still very upset and angry about the situation this week and i would like him to not drink at all this weekend and not go out drinking with his friends for a certain amount of time (not ever again, but 3 months or something?).
have you read "too bad to stay, too good to leave"? a good friend of mine used it while working through the break-up of her marriage and found it very helpful. i've read excerpts of it and think it can be a good tool for complicated situations like yours.
It's so crazy saying this, but we live in WI and it's like EVERYONE drinks. Social gatherings, whatever, there are always drinks. It's hard to get away from. I grew up totally different then him, Lutheran family, in MN. I never saw my parents drink alcohol. At family gathering we never had alcohol until I was 21, now there is only wine, never hard liquor or beer. When I met my dh, I thought at first it was very odd that everyone always had beer. I kind of think that's the culture around here. Originally where he is from is northern WI and after visiting there and seeing some of his friends (or not, because they are at the bar and we have kids, so we don't really go out to bars there anymore) he will make some comment about how bad so and so's drinking has become. So weird, but I think it's engrained in these people. Anyway, I will tell you right now that I know that NOT drinking this weekend is just not an option this weekend. I mean, I guess I'll mull it over, but I just don't see how that would work for him. I think asking him to drink responsibly is a better option.
Then I meet people like his brother's new girlfriend who carries a 12 pack of beer in the trunk of her car always and I think that his problem is not all that bad...
Originally Posted by Honey693
If it only happened once or twice a year (bachelor party/out of town friend visit/etc) I'd say you're overreacting. But this sounds like more than that so yeah I'd be plenty mad.
I've had a few nights since I became a mom where I had too much to drink and was hungover. I didn't mean too, but damn those margaritas are tasty and stronger than I thought. Yes, I woke up hungover and DD1 watched cartoons for 3 hours while I napped. Do I think it makes me a bad mom? No, I think it makes me a human who does dumb things occasionally.
And it probably only happens this often. He is a really social guy and likes to go out with friends. As do I, but my sleep is more important to me right now, so I choose not to go out with friends. But if my brother was in town, I'd probably go out too. I would also make sure that I drink glasses and glasses of water after every drink. Dh told me that his brother was buying the drinks and did not realize how strong they were. Do I believe that? Sure. But I just don't know why you wouldn't stop once you felt buzzed or drink more water.
Originally Posted by Honey693
OP, how often is this happening?
Right around when ds 1 was the age of ds 2 (4 mo) I remember the issues with him being a jerk to me when he drank started. I was only a couple of times. He apologized and it stopped. I can think of 2 times this year and maybe 1 time last year where I heard him puking when he got home from going out with friends. Those times he didn't have to watch the kids, he was either going to work the next day or it was a weekend I had off.
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama
Document, document, document, document. Something tells me you'll need the documentation once you get sick and tired of his BS.
Thanks for this. I will do so. Hate to do it, but I need to.
Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~
Ditto. BTDT once. Have I dont it since? NO! Would I do it again? Not on purpose. Im not a bad parent either. I consider myself a pretty great mother actually. HOWEVER, if this has happened a few times a year since your first was born, it may be escalating. Because IMO, he should have learned the first time this was a bad habbit to get into.
Just so you know, physical abuse is rarely this cut and dry. many women still find it very hard to walk away, because the beating usually go hand in hand with emotional abuse and gaslighting. And it MAY have started with something as innocent as a great hubby who got wasted occassionally and was to hungover to watch the kids by himself. These situations have cycles and patterns. Just sayin.
Yeah, after I wrote that line about physical abuse, I was thinking more about it. I can see how it's brings up the same things I'm going through right now - "he's a good guy 99% of the time..." Shouldn't have written that.
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy
Ditto, physical abuse is often far
from 'cut & dry'... and feels very different when you're actually the one in that situation.
Just to give you a bit of a comparison point, my DH is from an alcoholic family as well. Since we got married, there was one time he got way too drunk (fortunately it was before we had kids). The next day, he knew he'd gone too far (though at least he's a 'nice' drunk!), and he knew it was completely unacceptable. Several years later, he has never once gotten drunk again. We have a discussion before every event at which there will be alcohol, and he agrees to have only one drink if he'll be driving, and no more than 2-3 (beers) otherwise. I know it is hard for him to turn down the 4th beer but he is doing it because he knows he has responsibilities to others beyond himself. Healthy people learn from their mistakes. I know some people are OK with getting drunk (to me, it's morally wrong), but even then you need to do it in a controlled environment -- i.e. no kids to watch, no driving involved, etc. It concerns me that your DH has made this 'mistake' multiple times, even after planning to not go overboard. It concerns me that he's allowing himself to drink so much when he knows he has alcoholism in his genes. It especially concerns me that he tries to hide it all. Lots of red flags there.
Technically the person he calls his father is not his biological father. I'm just so used to saying it's his "dad." Dh does not know his real father. He met his step dad when he was around 7 yo. His step dad has major problems with drugs and alcohol. It's the reason his step dad and mom got divorced 10 years ago. I see that his dad drinks Windsor and cheap vodka and will finish off a huge bottle of those during the coarse of the day. I'm talking the huge bottles with the handles. Now that is when he has been up with family so maybe he's just having a good time, but I'm sure he drinks a lot when he is alone too. I know dh seems to think so. Huge red flags go off when I see those kinds of liquor at our house. I don't know how else to make a point to dh other than gently bringing up his dad's drinking problem. Do I go down the road of "do you want to end up like your dad?" I know dh sees his dad's drinking problem and knows how much he drinks and is concerned. It just seems like dh is not making the connection while he himself is drinking and having a good time.