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Am I being unreasonable? DH and alcohol... - Page 3

post #41 of 82
Also, I've passed out while vomiting during migraine headaches before. It isn't that different. OTOH if my headache is that bad, my husband is home from work to watch the kids.
post #42 of 82

 

 

 

Quote:
 Either he'll figure out that drinking to the point of vomiting, being extremely ill, fighting with his soul mate, and being unable to meet his responsibilities to his children is pretty stupid so he cuts back, or he'll increase how often he does this.

 

or option #3 nothing will change & he'll do it 2-3 times a year.  Doing this doesn't not mean he'll increase the amount of times he does it.

 

 

 

Quote:
The amount that he is going over the line is something that is fairly common for younger people when they drink -- something that a lot of people who aren't alcoholics do when they are figuring out how their bodies process alcohol. 

 

I disagree.  As you get older it often takes LESS alcohol to get to that same point, especially if it doesn't happen that often.

 

Would it have been an issue if he was a person who could get very drunk but NOT puke & not be hungover the next day?  Not everyone who gets sloshing drunk gets sick or is hungover the next day

post #43 of 82

OP-- I think his behavior is totally unacceptable.  I get the drinking culture.  My DH's group of friends was very much into drinking a lot at every social event.  DH and I had many arguments over the years about his drinking, but it wasn't until I was pregnant with our first and he came home with a friend (friend covered in DH's vomit), and passed out, totally unresponsive all night long that I had a really serious conversation with him.  I basically told him that I found it totally unacceptable to be a parent (or about to be one) and to conduct himself that way.  I also told him if he expected to remain married to me, that I expected him to never ever ever come home like that ever again.  He hasn't.  I realize this wouldn't work with the vast majority of people, but it is probably worth a try to sit down and tell him just how unacceptable this is to you and how you think it is going to affect your kids.  Being so hungover that you can't care for your kids the next day isn't okay.  Maybe if he was going away for a weekend or something...  I'd ask him to either keep the drinking under control at this family party, or not drink at all.  See what happens...if he can't or won't agree to keep things in check, I'd find myself a good therapist and start attending Al-Anon. 

post #44 of 82


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post

I disagree.  As you get older it often takes LESS alcohol to get to that same point, especially if it doesn't happen that often.

 

Would it have been an issue if he was a person who could get very drunk but NOT puke & not be hungover the next day?  Not everyone who gets sloshing drunk gets sick or is hungover the next day


but as we get older, we tend to have more judgment and less concern for what others are doing. We have more responsibilities.

 

How someone's use of a substance effects their relationships and responsibilities is the key. When this guy drinks, he's mean to his wife. He knew that he had to take care of his INFANT the next day.

 

 

post #45 of 82

Given that he was puking after 2am, and the OP had to work "early" the next morning, I don't see how he could have had 8hrs to recover after that.  However, since neither he nor the OP has mentioned a particular sensitivity or an unusual circumstance, I think we can assume he was puking because he drank too much, not because he reacted to something in the one or two drinks he had.   And if you're puking because you drank so much at 2am, I can't imagine you're actually totally sober (even if hungover) at 6am. 

post #46 of 82

So being a partnered parent means being superhuman and never going out, never making mistakes, never being yourself again? Once you're "partnered" all your problems as a human being just go away and you become a saint? Maybe because I grew up in a Russian family, I was quite ok with men in my life drinking. And Russians DRINK. When they are celebrating, getting drunk is a-ok. I grew up with my grandfather drinking in front of me at gatherings, my father, etc. I feel I'd had a great, rich, happy childhood and am not scarred for life. shrug.gif

 

The OP's partner might have a problem, but to say that people don't go out and get drunk unless they have a substance abuse problem sounds judgmental and inaccurate to me.

 

Now with that said, it is not the action of going out and partying that makes me think the man has a problem. It is the fact that he betrayed his family by not being able to follow through with his responsibilities.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maedze View Post

Just a thought.  No, guys DON'T do this sometimes, not partnered parents.  That is, unless they have a substance abuse problem. 



 

post #47 of 82

This post has been removed due to privacy reasons.


Edited by rainbow_mandala - 11/16/12 at 4:51pm
post #48 of 82

HELL TO THE NO!  I have one piece of advice.  If this were to every happen again.  You don't wake him up.  You try to find someone else to watch them.  Have some one for an emergency situation and start looking for them now.  My DH pulled something similar once and I took the kids that morning to someone else.  Can you say flip out when he woke up?!  Calling me and my work and everyone short of the police.  I did it because he chose to do something unfair, so I did what I thought was best for the kids, and my piece of mind.  He didn't think about us or the fact that the kids needed a sober father to care for them.  It's not been a problem since... well that and the divorce papers I drew up.  I'm dependable and he needs to be too.

post #49 of 82

I think it was pretty irresponsible of him not to make arrangements for the kids (especially a baby) when he knew he couldn't take care of them.  I think that's serious, and I would make it clear that that was unacceptable.  But I'm kind of appalled at the reactions expressed here to a person getting drunk once or twice a year, making assumptions about alcoholism, abuse, and recommending that the OP think about divorce!!!  Seriously?

 

Going out, partying, and even getting drunk to the point of throwing up does not constitute a problem if its done that rarely, IMO.  Parents have as much a right to let loose as anyone on occasion IF they're not drunk or puking in front of their kids, and IF it does not become habitual.  I'm kind of amazed that some people think "responsible adults" NEVER have more than one or two drinks and that anything more than getting "slightly tipsy" (a subjective phrase if I ever heard one) is immature and irresponsible.  Sure, you make arrangements for your kids and you don't drive, obviously, but then who cares?

 

The real issue here was that the OP's husband was irresponsible about the kids, NOT that he has a "drinking problem."

post #50 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viriditas View Post

I think it was pretty irresponsible of him not to make arrangements for the kids (especially a baby) when he knew he couldn't take care of them.  I think that's serious, and I would make it clear that that was unacceptable.  But I'm kind of appalled at the reactions expressed here to a person getting drunk once or twice a year, making assumptions about alcoholism, abuse, and recommending that the OP think about divorce!!!  Seriously?

 

Going out, partying, and even getting drunk to the point of throwing up does not constitute a problem if its done that rarely, IMO.  Parents have as much a right to let loose as anyone on occasion IF they're not drunk or puking in front of their kids, and IF it does not become habitual.  I'm kind of amazed that some people think "responsible adults" NEVER have more than one or two drinks and that anything more than getting "slightly tipsy" (a subjective phrase if I ever heard one) is immature and irresponsible.  Sure, you make arrangements for your kids and you don't drive, obviously, but then who cares?

 

The real issue here was that the OP's husband was irresponsible about the kids, NOT that he has a "drinking problem."


Thanks for this -I agree completely. Getting drunk a couple of times a year is a big enough problem they should get divorced? He needs to be more careful when he has to watch kids the next morning, but even doing that once or twice a year wouldn't lead me to consider divorce. I'd just yell at him once or twice a year and have a back-up plan. In an otherwise good marriage, irresponsibility and drunkenness a couple of times a year isn't worth divorce. If it were a regular thing? Yeah, I'd consider it then.
post #51 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toposlonoshlep View Post

So being a partnered parent means being superhuman and never going out, never making mistakes, never being yourself again? Once you're "partnered" all your problems as a human being just go away and you become a saint?
 



 




I totally agree. I guess pretty much everyone I know has a "substance abuse problem" because they all still occasionally drink even though they are partnered. Some people go into a partnership knowing that their significant other likes to use alcohol sometimes. DH drinks beer socially and at home and occasionally drinks too much of it, and its just not a problem. Drinking and driving is a problem, drinking and brushing off responsibilities is a problem, drinking and being mean is a problem, but JUST drinking to have fun and getting a little too drunk is not something I consider a problem. Hell, Ive watched my kid hungover. It sucks, and it makes you think twice about having "one last drink" but I dont think its anymore irresponsible than watching my kid with a headache, stomach virus, or after a night of no sleep. (So, basically, my whole first trimester this time smile.gif )

I agree with PP, Id pump my kid full of sugar and let him have a blast dealing with that.


Also, how many sober people talking to drunk people DONT think their tone of voice sucks and that their tone is "harsh" or "mean". Most drunk people are excitable, emphatic, or grumpy and want to go to bed. Its pretty hard to be on the same page when one person is totally sober. I dont know many people who think to themselves, "Gee, this drunk is awesome to hang out with when Im stone cold sober!"


Personally, if my DH went out with his brother and got wasted and came home puking and had to watch the kids the next day, I think he was a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions. And if someone else was there to help him watch the kids for the day, what is the real problem other than its not your normal routine? (ie kids in front of tv, junk food, ect)
post #52 of 82

Hmmm.... until the last few posts, I have been really weirded out. Because here, and to be honest, every place I have ever lived in the past, people occasionally get drunk, even parents.  I did not drink for several years, as I was either pregnant or breastfeeding or the mother to a young child who needed my constant attention and supervision. I think that the OP's husband was irresponsible and negligent because he was unable to properly for his young children as a result of his binge drinking, NOT because he got drunk. I CERTAINLY would not label him an alcoholic, nor do I think that this  happening once is a good reason to suggest divorce. I am pretty sure it'd mess the kids up a titch more to have a broken home than to see daddy hungover.

 

I also find it foreign that so many of you think that drinking alcohol in front of children is somehow abusive. I have had a few beers in the back yard of my home with my friends and family while children were present. We have family bbq's where everyone of legal age has drinks, and the children are neither neglected nor abused.

 

 I do not think drinking is wrong, and am surprised that so many of you do.

post #53 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* View Post

Hmmm.... until the last few posts, I have been really weirded out. Because here, and to be honest, every place I have ever lived in the past, people occasionally get drunk, even parents.  I did not drink for several years, as I was either pregnant or breastfeeding or the mother to a young child who needed my constant attention and supervision. I think that the OP's husband was irresponsible and negligent because he was unable to properly for his young children as a result of his binge drinking, NOT because he got drunk. I CERTAINLY would not label him an alcoholic, nor do I think that this  happening once is a good reason to suggest divorce. I am pretty sure it'd mess the kids up a titch more to have a broken home than to see daddy hungover.

 

I also find it foreign that so many of you think that drinking alcohol in front of children is somehow abusive. I have had a few beers in the back yard of my home with my friends and family while children were present. We have family bbq's where everyone of legal age has drinks, and the children are neither neglected nor abused.

 

 I do not think drinking is wrong, and am surprised that so many of you do.


Sorry, I don't have friends who need alcohol to have a good time. We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy.

Also, if you drink.. your kids will. I don't think that I want to send my kids the message that everyday drinking is okay. Or that I need alcohol to be happy or relaxed socially. I want to be the best role model I can be.

Not being able to get up and properly care for your children is a huge issue. Children need adequate supervision.
post #54 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by April*autmaiajude* View Post

Hmmm.... until the last few posts, I have been really weirded out. Because here, and to be honest, every place I have ever lived in the past, people occasionally get drunk, even parents.  I did not drink for several years, as I was either pregnant or breastfeeding or the mother to a young child who needed my constant attention and supervision. I think that the OP's husband was irresponsible and negligent because he was unable to properly for his young children as a result of his binge drinking, NOT because he got drunk. I CERTAINLY would not label him an alcoholic, nor do I think that this  happening once is a good reason to suggest divorce. I am pretty sure it'd mess the kids up a titch more to have a broken home than to see daddy hungover.

 

I also find it foreign that so many of you think that drinking alcohol in front of children is somehow abusive. I have had a few beers in the back yard of my home with my friends and family while children were present. We have family bbq's where everyone of legal age has drinks, and the children are neither neglected nor abused.

 

 I do not think drinking is wrong, and am surprised that so many of you do.


Sorry, I don't have friends who need alcohol to have a good time. We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy.

Also, if you drink.. your kids will. I don't think that I want to send my kids the message that everyday drinking is okay. Or that I need alcohol to be happy or relaxed socially. I want to be the best role model I can be.

Not being able to get up and properly care for your children is a huge issue. Children need adequate supervision.

Have you ever had to watch your kids when you were sick? I get bad migraine headaches - really bad ones, sometimes to the point of passing out. I remember one time I was watching my older dd when she was a toddler, like only 18 months so really little, and I had a headache and ended up having to run to the bathroom to get sick, and then after I don't know how much time, I woke up on the bathroom floor. My dd was completely unsupervised for some period of time, and I don't even know how long. Luckily, because I was sick, the TV was on for her, and that was rare enough that she was interested enough to be sitting and watching it. I called my dh to come home from work, and he did, but what if I'd been a single mom? I have no family to call where I am currently living. I finally got strong enough pain killers to get me through those times, but I don't know if I was in very good shape to supervise kids when I was on painkillers either. Now, thankfully, I'm able to use Imitrex and don't need the narcotic painkillers, but at one point in my life that was all that was available to me.

I've also had the flu where I've been lying on the ground of the living room, not really supervising my kids. It isn't ideal, but it happens. Really, you've never had to watch your kids when you were sick and weren't doing a great job supervising?

So this dad wasn't in good shape when supervising his kid this one day, and he gets drunk like this once to twice a year. Again, not ideal, but it happened. His kids weren't in any more danger than mine when I was sick. This just isn't a big enough deal to start talking about divorce.
post #55 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

Really, you've never had to watch your kids when you were sick and weren't doing a great job supervising?

No. I have called a friend, neighbor or my husband home from work if I was too sick to watch them properly. This is why it is so important to have IRL support system in place. Not just for you, for the kids.
post #56 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

Really, you've never had to watch your kids when you were sick and weren't doing a great job supervising?

No. I have called a friend, neighbor or my husband home from work if I was too sick to watch them properly. This is why it is so important to have IRL support system in place. Not just for you, for the kids.

I am considering doing a poll somewhere, but I don't think this would be the right place, but anyway my guess is that you are in the minority, and most people have watched their children when very ill and haven't had another option. Particularly people with ongoing medical issues. If you are sick frequently, there will be times where you can't find someone to come over.
post #57 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post



I am considering doing a poll somewhere, but I don't think this would be the right place, but anyway my guess is that you are in the minority, and most people have watched their children when very ill and haven't had another option. Particularly people with ongoing medical issues. If you are sick frequently, there will be times where you can't find someone to come over.


When your parents and in-laws live 5 hours away and your husband is traveling for work you don't have much of a choice but to pray your kids stay safe and that Elmo keeps them entertained  while you vomit.

 

post #58 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post



Sorry, I don't have friends who need alcohol to have a good time. We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy.

Also, if you drink.. your kids will. I don't think that I want to send my kids the message that everyday drinking is okay. Or that I need alcohol to be happy or relaxed socially. I want to be the best role model I can be.
 


Well I'm a crappy role model then.  I want to teach my kids that alcohol in moderation is ok and that seeing mommy have a beer or two while playing bags at a picnic is ok if you're an adult and don't drive.  Now I'm not going to be doing body shots in front of them, but if I come home from a night of those and am hungover there will be discussions about how that was stupid, etc.

post #59 of 82
Sorry, I don't have friends who need alcohol to have a good time. We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy.

Also, if you drink.. your kids will. I don't think that I want to send my kids the message that everyday drinking is okay. Or that I need alcohol to be happy or relaxed socially. I want to be the best role model I can be.

Not being able to get up and properly care for your children is a huge issue. Children need adequate supervision.[/quote]


not everyone who enjoys drinking "needs" alcohol to have a good time. Some people enjoy the taste of fine crafted beer and wine and enjoy the affect it has on them.

And not all kids who have parents who drink will drink, that is just a huge generalization. And fwiw, my parents dont touch alcohol, but I love good beer and will even drink more than one when Im not pregnant.
post #60 of 82
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post



No. I have called a friend, neighbor or my husband home from work if I was too sick to watch them properly. This is why it is so important to have IRL support system in place. Not just for you, for the kids.


I'd rather look after my kids when I was sick than have any of my current neighbours doing so. When I was a WOHM, I didn't even know most of my neighbours, and the ones I did know, almost without exception, also WOH, so they wouldn't be there during the day. My mom also WOH full-time. My sister could sometimes come over, but not always, especially after she had my nephew. My friends were also WOH. I have some wonderful homeschool friends who are sometimes available, but many of them adctually work part-time...and they're also not close by. Depending what my husband was doing, I might be able to call him home from work (but this kind of thing can be a major black mark in a lot of companies), but I couldn't have done so with my ex, as he wasn't accessible during the day.

 

I don't believe I've ever met a mom irl who could count on someone coming over to watch her kids if she was sick, including the moms with quite extensive support networks.

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