Am I being unreasonable? DH and alcohol... - Page 4

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by philomom 



Sorry, I don't have friends who need alcohol to have a good time. We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy.

Also, if you drink.. your kids will. I don't think that I want to send my kids the message that everyday drinking is okay. Or that I need alcohol to be happy or relaxed socially. I want to be the best role model I can be.

Not being able to get up and properly care for your children is a huge issue. Children need adequate supervision.

Seriously? My dh grew up in a near-teetotal household, and he loves his beer. He's technically a binge drinker (based on how many beer he'll have at one time), although it's never affected his responsibilities. My mom grew up in a completely tee-total house, and she drinks daily, although she didn't when I was growing up. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father, who missed several famliy occasions, because he was at the bar (or showed up drunk for them), and I'm not a tee-totaler, but I generally have fewer than 15 drinks a year (wine with a special dinner, a nice cooler or cider a few times over the summer - stuff like that) and can't even remember the last time I had more than one drink on any given occasion. I, personally, have known a lot of alcoholics and problem drinkers. I can't think of one of them that came from a home where the parents drank moderately - even daily - and responsibly. They all, to the best of my recollection, came from homes where regular drunkenness (ie. plastered every weekend, and sometimes during the week, usually with pronounced behavioural changes) or tee-totaling was the norm.

Do you have anything to support such a condemnatory blanket statement?

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

Do you have anything to support such a condemnatory blanket statement?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/8516745.stm

http://ezinearticles.com/?Parents-Who-Drink-Will-Influence-Children-to-Do-Same&id=3897332

http://www.medicineonline.com/news/10/291/Alcoholism-Runs-in-the-Family.html

[oaktreemama]

philomom-I have to ask if you even read the articles you linked?

Now of course two of the articles quote the same DCFS study and neither includes data on the participants, who conducted the study, indeed there is no info of any kind (I did a quick Google search and could not find it).

I would definitely wonder if they did the study on children and families in their system or on their radar. Those families are likely to have a higher level of disfunction since they are involved with DCFS.

Secondly no one is debating that alcoholism runs in families-it does and children of alcoholics DO indeed have a higher risk of developing a substance abuse problem. Except the study also found this interesting tidbit:

"One point worth making is that this knocks the idea of forbidden fruit on the head. One of the exceptions is that some children of heavy/problem drinking parents react against it, and drink little or nothing themselves," he said.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/3897332

Finally, the study found that children copy their parents drinking behavior good or bad. So children who witness moderate and responsible levels of social drinking go on to be responsible consumers of alcohol.

And you contradict yourself in your own post.

We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy...Also, if you drink.. your kids will. ..
 

Your whole post is a head scratcher because you do drink-therefore your kids will. What exactly is your point other than to come across as holier than thou? Is your point that wine with dinner is ok because that is what YOU do, but a martini on the front porch isn't because that is what those bad parents down the block do?

[mamazee]

I'm really OK with my kids growing up to become social drinkers, so that issue isn't on my radar.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by oaktreemama 

Your whole post is a head scratcher because you do drink-therefore your kids will. What exactly is your point other than to come across as holier than thou? Is your point that wine with dinner is ok because that is what YOU do, but a martini on the front porch isn't because that is what those bad parents down the block do?

Splitting a bottle of wine four ways with a meal is WAY different than the previous poster's several beers at a barbecue. I have alcoholics in my family and I want my kids to keep the alcohol on a tight lease in their adult lives. I don't think any of you should forget for a second that alcohol can ruin lives.

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by philomom 



Splitting a bottle of wine four ways with a meal is WAY different than the previous poster's several beers at a barbecue. I have alcoholics in my family and I want my kids to keep the alcohol on a tight lease in their adult lives. I don't think any of you should forget for a second that alcohol can ruin lives.

Obviously you don't buy wine by the jug like some of us lol.  

[erigeron]

To be entirely fair, there's kind of a lag time with alcohol consumption and effect. If you're drinking steadily, after the time you stop drinking for the night, there is still alcohol in your digestive tract and working its way into your bloodstream, so you're going to end up feeling more drunk than you did when you finished your last drink. This may or may not account for his behavior but I just wanted to point it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sumada 
 But I just don't know why you wouldn't stop once you felt buzzed or drink more water.

[Care Lee]

Some of the replies to this post seem rather extreme to me...

As I understand this-
He went out with his brother and had too much to drink. He let his kid watch tv. He had a hangover. He took a nap while his kid napped. Uncle hung out with he baby.

He has had too much to drink a few times over 4 years.

I can't believe people are reacting so harshly. Divorce? Really? I don't think this is a big deal. I don't think the kids were in danger. This is not his usual behavior. Certainly not ideal, but not such a huge deal that some seem to think it is.

You could have a conversation about it, and let him know that you are uncomfortable with
it.

For the record, I frequently drink a glass of wine after dinner. I will drink margaritas when I go out with my girlfriends. My dh drinks and brews his own beer. Our children know this, and they are not scarred for life. This does not make us irresponsible parents.

Also, I watch my own kids while I'm sick. I think most sahm do the same. My kids are also not in danger because they watch tv and eat instant oatmeal and bananas while I lay on the couch clutching a bucket.

[Honey693]

OP, have you talked to your DH yet?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by philomom 



Splitting a bottle of wine four ways with a meal is WAY different than the previous poster's several beers at a barbecue. I have alcoholics in my family and I want my kids to keep the alcohol on a tight lease in their adult lives. I don't think any of you should forget for a second that alcohol can ruin lives.

Who suggested that it can't? My father blew through is entire retirement income in about two years, starting before he'd even retired. Some of that was gambling, but most of it was drinking. My ex-FIL is a hardcore alcoholic, and I suspect he'll be dead within five years, if he lasts that long (he's 60). Several of my best friends were alcoholics, and their lives have been trainwrecks.

That has nothing to do with the gross oversimplification of stating "if you drink, your kids will" as if it's a law of nature.

[wanderinblues]

wow! i am shocked by some of the responses here. divorce?? if i took that advice, i would have long ago lost an amazing man.

my DP is a winemaker by trade. he owns a wine making shop (where DSD frequently hangs out) has hundreds of bottles at the house and drinks every day. this does not bother me at all.

i have never been a big drinker, despite my parents drinking wine and beer in front of me (in moderation), sometimes letting me taste, and being allowed watered wine with family dinners since i was about 12.

i firmly believe that modelling responsible behavior regarding alcohol, and demonstrating that a moderate amount/social drinking is not taboo or mysterious will only benefit her later in life. drinking responsibly in front of kids in fine imo. they are going to discover the wonders of alcohol eventually; i would rather model than try to keep it in the dark (which we all know never works).

as for DPs drinking, he does get drunk fairly regularly but never around the kid. when we first met, there was some hung over parenting on both of our parts, but that is less than ideal for me so i have put a stop to it. he tends to not go too overboard when i am not drinking with him :) i do not consider him to have a problem because his drinking does not negatively affect me or his DD. he is a sweetheart when hes drunk, never behaves recklessly or unsafely and is usually safe in bed with me before it gets too late. our communication on this subject and others is very open and if i was to have a problem, we would discuss it like adults. he is very respectful and concerned for my happiness. 

my advice to the OP is to first acknowledge that going out with friends and letting loose once in a while is important to your hubby, even though you may not be able to relate (as i am not). try to maintain a respectful exchange where you are both treating each other like adults (as it stands, it seems like he is behaving rather child-like, and you are gearing up to take a parent-like role). what i would make clear to him is this: these situations are having a negative affect on his family and he is not being considerate. let him know that there is a way for him to go out and get drunk once in a while, but it needs to be on both of your terms. then (mutually) make plans for next time: he tells you in advance (how many days?), when should he be home, who will watch the kids, how will he get home, etc....

Edited by wanderinblues - 9/18/11 at 1:47am

[Beth DeRoos]

NO you are NOT over reacting. In fact its scary to think what would have happened if both your husband and his brother had been so hung over they didn't wake up at all. What would your 3 yr old done. What if there had been a fire or other emergency. If someone KNOWS they cannot handle drinking a couple drinks they should NOT be drinking. In fact there is NOTHING wrong with not drinking. Can people have fun without alcohol? I would suggest you have a back up plan, so that you can call someone and have them watch the kids.  Am so very sorry this happened to you.  Also think about ALL the good things about your husband, so that as you two work this out he feels as if someone cares and wants to help him not just tell him where he was wrong.

 

[Adaline'sMama]

This thread just really drives home the fact that so many people at MDC are SO extreme when it comes to what is "acceptable" and what isnt. Seriously, we arent JUST parents. Sometimes people like to have fun without playing with bubbles and keeping every single thing they do "kid friendly". Being hungover is the consequence of drinking too much, but it doesnt typically mean that someone is unable to watch their kids, still drunk, or "dangerous and irresponsible". To me its not much different than a 16 year old on the phone with her boyfriend while your kid watches tv, which happens almost everyday to tons and tons of kids. So what if a kid doesnt get enough attention three of four times in FOUR YEARS? So what if he or she has to watch tv while dad takes a nap with the other one? Some kids go to childcare places where they watch tv every.single.day. This is SO not worth the OP getting a divorce, trying to tell her DH that he has a substance abuse problem, or really even saying anything other than "Gee, I wish you wouldnt get so wasted when you know you have to watch the kids in the morning."

[sren]

OP, apart from his responsibilities as a dad, I see three big red flags in your description of his drinking.  He drank more than he intended to, he lied about/tried to cover up the amount that he drank, and he experiences a personality change after a couple of drinks.  Alcoholism is not about how often someone drinks or even how much; it is about what happens when they drink-- it comes before relationships.  Not to say that your DH is alcoholic.  It is a progressive disease so if he is you are likely to be given more information in the future.

[Alphaghetti]

I assume that since you directly quoted my post, that you are addressing me.

I do not "need" alcohol to have a good time any more than people "need" birthday cake or candy bars.  I enjoy it.

I have no problem with my children drinking when they are of age. I think that most observations suggest that when alcohol is taboo or forbidden in a household or a society, the chances of young people sneaking it and abusing it are greater.  I also nowhere implicated that we indulge in "everyday drinking", nor did the original poster.

Finally, I believe that I stated that I felt that the OP's husband was in the wrong by being so hungover that he was unable to care for his very young children. My own children are adequately supervised. Always. It is a rather large inference on your part to suggest otherwise. I can't remember a single time when my children have suffered as a result of a hangover. It was the reaction to alcohol in general that I was surprised by. I was not condoning her husband's behaviour by any means. If you wish to be the best role model you can be, perhaps you might consider placing fewer harsh judgements on others.

Originally Posted by philomom 



Sorry, I don't have friends who need alcohol to have a good time. We might share a bottle of wine with a meal but no one gets tipsy.

Also, if you drink.. your kids will. I don't think that I want to send my kids the message that everyday drinking is okay. Or that I need alcohol to be happy or relaxed socially. I want to be the best role model I can be.

Not being able to get up and properly care for your children is a huge issue. Children need adequate supervision.

Edited by Alphaghetti - 8/29/11 at 1:36pm

[Alphaghetti]

I like how you completely misquoted me for the purposes of your own argument. :)

I wrote in my post that I have "a few beers", and you turned that into my having "several beers". How can you see me drinking in my back yard? Creepy. Oh wait, you can't.

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

One of my friends who was in AA said the the definition of an alcoholic doesn't include how much a person drinks, but rather, the impact that their drinking has. It doesn't matter if someone only drinks once a year, if when they do, they are out of control and cause problems, then they have a drinking problem.

When your husband drinks, it's a problem. If he cannot see that and change his behavior, it will most likely get worse.

Quote:

This is true for any addicted person. I didn't abuse drugs or alcohol for very long, but they were still abused and my homelife suffered from it. If the guy can't take care of the kids when he knew he had to, there is a problem. Failure to comply because of a current want (him wanting to go out, SAYING he wouldn't be trashed and then getting trashed) is a sign of an addiction problem.
 

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Sumada 

this is what guys do sometimes

Not all guys. My dh has never had more than a beer and a half around me or our kids the entire time I have known him (13 years). I know he drank more than he was a teenager and in college because he's told me the stories. I think he may have drank a bit more when he's been away from home for an extended period but he is usually the DD or the guy who takes care of the completely wasted buddy. while i would say that many do drink more than he, i don't think that most people who drink drink until they puke.

[Beth DeRoos]

My Mother would have a drink some evenings after work, my Dad would have a drink a few times per month. No one sat around drinking beer, wine like we see today. It's rare I even have a small glass of champagne,said from a weeding, bris, christening etc. I am always on the go and aside from the fact I don't like the taste of wine, beer, hard liquor,

I would never ever have even a small glass of champagne and then drive. Husband wasn't a drinker, but was hit by a drunk driver, disabled and later died.       It's not why I don't drink.

Bear in mind alcohol is high in sugar and that many people in AA from what I have read, stop drinking but then suck on candy, eat sweets to get the sugar rush alcohol gave them. And as with any diet full of sugars, this can create malnutrition issues, that have their own nasty sides.

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by Care Lee 

Some of the replies to this post seem rather extreme to me...

As I understand this-
He went out with his brother and had too much to drink. He let his kid watch tv. He had a hangover. He took a nap while his kid napped. Uncle hung out with he baby.

He has had too much to drink a few times over 4 years.

I can't believe people are reacting so harshly. Divorce? Really? I don't think this is a big deal. I don't think the kids were in danger. This is not his usual behavior. Certainly not ideal, but not such a huge deal that some seem to think it is.

You could have a conversation about it, and let him know that you are uncomfortable with
it.

For the record, I frequently drink a glass of wine after dinner. I will drink margaritas when I go out with my girlfriends. My dh drinks and brews his own beer. Our children know this, and they are not scarred for life. This does not make us irresponsible parents.

Also, I watch my own kids while I'm sick. I think most sahm do the same. My kids are also not in danger because they watch tv and eat instant oatmeal and bananas while I lay on the couch clutching a bucket.

+1

I'm amazed at the extreme overreactions on this thread. Good grief; divorce your husband for being hungover? That's just crazy.