I am seriously worried about what I might do to him next time...please help! - Page 2

[Mama_2_Boy]

I am not ignoring my son's learning issues, and I never said I don't want to deal with it.

We are dealing with it in other areas - I do not want to talk about it HERE  - I came here to address my issues with my anger.
 

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx 

I know this isn't exactly what you wanted to discuss but I must address it.  I grew up being told I was stupid, lazy, a day dreamer.  I was none of the above.  I was, however, suffering from ADHD and dyslexia.  Ignoring your child's learning issues isn't going to make them go away.  He will become more withdrawn, more angry and make your resolve to gently parent dissolve.  Please stop saying you don't want to deal with it.  You don't have to but he does.  You have a responsibility as his parent to ensure the best education you can provide with the least amount of obstacles.

My best friend also has ADHD and dyslexia.  Her parents were proactive with her learning challenges and got her tons and tons of help.  She went on to college, got her degree (even though it took 8 years), has an amazing career and earns 6 figures.

My parents felt I was too stupid and lazy for college.  I never went.  I earn a decent living but am stuck in a rut that unless I find a way to go back to school, I will probably never get out of.  

What do you want for you son?  No one is saying it has to be meds.  There may be other things that can be done for him.  

Please, I'm begging you, address this issue as soon as you can.

[NellieKatz]

I don't know about the other person who posted, but the reason *I* brought up learning is that if a kid is struggling with something in the learning environment, it may LOOK like he's trying to be difficult, but really he might just be struggling with something that's way beyond what he knows how to handle. I wasn't even suggesting that he had any kind of problem; just that sometimes kids get labeled as something when really they're just bright, or they learn differently, or whatever.

And if someone interprets their kid's reactions as they are being difficult, then they are more prone to getting angry at the behaviors. So that's how it relates to the original topic.

That is the only reason I touched on that angle. Understanding what is going on from his perspective can help defuse anger.

[journeymom]

I came here to address my issues with my anger.

That's what I thought.

Oh my word.     I have been there, OP.  The rage, it's so painful.  The wanting to die.  It's horrible. 

Are you taking any kind of antidepressant?  I urge you, BEG you to see a psychiatrist -not just your general physician, not a psychologist-  and get medication that will knock down this rage that takes control.  Antidepressant, mood stabilizer, whatever. That's what they're for.   Talk to a medical doctor who specializes in this, and take the medication you're prescribed.  If it doesn't work then go back to the doctor and try something else.  Don't give up!

First get control of the chemical storm that's whirling.  Then therapy will be much more helpful.  The therapy will be in one ear and out the other until you can quiet the anger and misery. 

Get control of the storm and the impulse to strike out at your child won't overwhelm you! 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Mama_2_Boy 
Yes my son is having a difficult time with his learning.  Both me and DH have gone through the motions of the testing and meeting with the school etc etc.  At the end of grade 1 they gave us the option of leaving him behind or moving him to grade 2.  We chose to move him through and we are also looking into tuturos for this school year.  So yes I am aware that he has a difficult time with focus, sitting still, grasping concepts etc...yet I am so afraid that if he doesn't get through this that he will end up like me. I have not reitred this in my initial post because I am sick to death of going over this subject of the ADHD potential and all that comes with it, the medication discussion and what have you.  I really do not want to talk about the label, I really don't. 

My issues are about me and learning to deal with my anger and that will be there no matter what.  It just kills me that being raised in the environment I was and I swore before I even had kids that I would never hit my children...and now I have a child that does not listen at all and it is challenging every facet of my being.  I also have to add that I am feeling alot of pressure from certain people around me (namely some family members) who really think they are a know it all and are constantly giving me advice on how to deal with him.  They make it to me like 'well you just do A and B will happen"  no...no..no

Both of these sentences spell "FEAR" to me. Unfortunately, our physical reaction to fear is 'fight or flight'. Your home environment (and maybe your temperament) has conditioned you to 'fight' and so when you're afraid for your ds, or afraid of being judged as a 'bad mom', you want to fight.

Here are the things that you do know:

Your son has some learning challenges. Your son has trouble focusing. Because of that, you might want to back off on 'teaching' your son. Instead, spend a week or two figuring how what helps your son focus. How does he learn best? is it physical touch? seeing? listening? Also, what's your son's passion? Finding out these things is as important for your son as him learning the skills he needs for 2nd grade. Maybe it's more important.

If you can find something that he's interested in, and something that helps him focus, the task might be easier. If the task is easier (and shorter -- I wouldn't try for more than 20 minutes at a time), then maybe you can keep your own frustration and anger under control, when you're ready to work on stuff again. But right now, I think your fear and frustration is too high for you to be able to teach your son. To be honest, this is one of the reasons that I can't homeschool my kids. I don't have the patience. I'm an excellent teacher of adults. I suck at teaching my own kids.

Since it sounds like ADHD is in the cards, read up on how to teach kids with ADHD -- there's a reason people go to school to learn to be a teacher, and why special education is extra training. Have realistic expectations for yourself as well as for your son. If he doesn't come in knowing XYZ the first week of 2nd grade, he's not a failure. You're not a failure. It's going to take you, him and the school working as a team to help him. Keep repeating that to yourself.

Do what you need to do the next few weeks to help figure out how he learns and to work on your relationship with him. He won't be you because you're not your parents. You're going to make sure that he's supported emotionally as well as academically. You're actively working to be a better parent. Let some of that fear go.

[joensally]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz 

I don't know about the other person who posted, but the reason *I* brought up learning is that if a kid is struggling with something in the learning environment, it may LOOK like he's trying to be difficult, but really he might just be struggling with something that's way beyond what he knows how to handle. I wasn't even suggesting that he had any kind of problem; just that sometimes kids get labeled as something when really they're just bright, or they learn differently, or whatever.

And if someone interprets their kid's reactions as they are being difficult, then they are more prone to getting angry at the behaviors. So that's how it relates to the original topic.

That is the only reason I touched on that angle. Understanding what is going on from his perspective can help defuse anger.

I agree with Nellie.  I really believe in calling things by their right name - not to put a label on a person, but to increase understanding and to enable a parent/teacher to address the core issue rather than the behaviour, which is often a symptom.

I will give an example, that I'm not suggesting applies to your son, but is illustrative.

There is a vision issue called strabismus/convergence insufficiency.   For most kids, it means they can't focus well or for long on close, dense stuff - like worksheets or chapter books.  The behavioural manifestations include distractability, inattentiveness, fidgeting - their eyes get tired and they go off task.  This list of behaviours looks a whole lot like the symptoms of ADHD.  Meds aren't going to help, a behaviour plan isn't likely to help.  Getting the child glasses, or vision therapy, or worksheets that have bigger print with wider spacing or other vision-related strategies are going to help.  My son was on the ADHD track until we discovered the vision issues, and we were able to make accomodations that were meaningful for him, and we collectively started to understand why he was doing what he was doing.  It also made me less stressed out and short tempered.

I'm sorry you're struggling.  You're a great mom to want to create a better experience for your child.

[SpottedFoxx]

While I understand that you don't want to talk about your son's learning differences you brought them up for a reason.  Whether you want to deal with it or not, it's obviously some sort of a trigger for you.  I can only speak from my personal experience... the more I understand my son as a whole, the more calmly I am able to deal with him when he's being a challenge.  I struggled a LOT more (negatively) when I would react to his behavior.  However, the more I understand where he is coming from the calmer I am - the more I am able to deal with him as a whole.

If it's not something you want to discuss here and if it doesn't have anything to do with the issue at hand why bring it up?  I'm not trying to challenge you but you put it out there.  Believe me, I understand where you are coming from.  I have locked myself in my room in order to keep myself from behaving in a way I knew would ultimately be destructive to my son.  

IF you son's learning differences are a point of contention, then learn about them.  Understand them from all angles.

IF you son's way of communicating is a probem, find a way to learn where he is coming from and learn to communicate with him more positively.

IF you learn where your child is coming from - is makes parenting a LOT easlier.

How?  If you can't figure it out (Lord knows my husband and I couldn't!), then ask for help.  Find a family therapist who specializes in parenting.  We were lucky in that our second attempt at counseling was exactly what our family needed.  He helped us to understand our son.  In understanding him and his needs, we were able to parent him more effectively which has given our family a great deal of peace.

Good luck!

[Beth DeRoos]

Some kids just don't do well sitting in one place doing work. Its why we are a homeschooling family since the 70's. My concern is that this child will show up somewhere with bruises and other marks from being tossed around, hit etc and then someone will have to call child protective services. So as an adult its up to you to see a therapist and get the help you need.

 

Stop having him sit for hours and hours doing work he may not understand. Are you sitting with him, helping him? Are you spending any time reading to him, just having fun with him? Did you know that Dr Raymond Moore and John Holt in their books note as do other experts that boys often don't learn to read, write until age eight and even ten? Does he have friends he can play with and learn from?  What type of s support system do you have?

As adults we ALL have the choice to break the cycle of abuse, or other negative behavior we grew up with. One thing I tell ALL adults who grew up in abusive homes is long before you have children ask yourself are you ready for ALL the challenges a child brings? If not then don't have kids!!!

 

[Beth DeRoos]

Some kids just don't do well sitting in one place doing work. Its why we are a homeschooling family since the 70's. My concern is that this child will show up somewhere with bruises and other marks from being tossed around, hit etc and then someone will have to call child protective services. So as an adult its up to you to see a therapist and get the help you need.

 

Stop having him sit for hours and hours doing work he may not understand. Are you sitting with him, helping him? Are you spending any time reading to him, just having fun with him? Did you know that Dr Raymond Moore and John Holt in their books note as do other experts that boys often don't learn to read, write until age eight and even ten? Does he have friends he can play with and learn from?  What type of s support system do you have?

As adults we ALL have the choice to break the cycle of abuse, or other negative behavior we grew up with. One thing I tell ALL adults who grew up in abusive homes is long before you have children ask yourself are you ready for ALL the challenges a child brings? If not then don't have kids!!!

 

[APToddlerMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beth DeRoos 

 One thing I tell ALL adults who grew up in abusive homes is long before you have children ask yourself are you ready for ALL the challenges a child brings? If not then don't have kids!!!

 

How is that an appropriate or helpful comment and question for this situation? 
 

[Earthy Mama]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Quote:

How is that an appropriate or helpful comment and question for this situation? 
 

Yeah that.

OP, I am right there with you regarding the anger. Just not as intense. I seriously fear I'm going to have a heart attack one day from all the anger that builds up in me. I'm so glad you posted because I'm getting some good info. as well. Thank you for being honest.

[transylvania_mom]

Op, I haven't read all the replies, but I thought I would add my experience as a teacher.

What I've noticed is that all people learn differently. Right now I'm working with adults and it's amazing to see how the guy who can't stop fidgeting and interrupting me (respectfully) while I teach gets a better mark than the quiet student who does all his homework and doesn't move in class.

It took me a while to get used to it, I had a hard time especially with my own ds, who wouldn't sit still for a moment, even for his bedtime story, he was listening while jumping on the bed.

Yet, he learned to read at 4 and speaks 3 languages fluently.

He also has the habit of smiling when he's nervous, which used to make me see red!

Then I thought: what a wonderful gift he has, to be able to keep his cool and keep smiling when something goes wrong. I wish I could do the same.

I don't know you or your son, but when he makes you angry, try to remember that he IS listening and he IS learning. Let him set the pace and follow his lead.

I admire you for the determination to help your son. I might be in minority here, but I agree with you on labels.

When my own ds challenges me, I try to remember that it's a good thing. I'm glad he's not listening. I want him to challenge authority (respectfully) and learn how to argue for his own ideas.

How do you work with your son? Can you find a compromise together with him? Can you find a website to help him improve his reading skills? Would he prefer going to the library and choosing his own books?

Another thought: he could use an exercise ball instead of a chair, which would allow him to move and focus at the same time.

HTH

Also, are you doing school work with your ds while your toddler is around? I know sometimes we don't have a choice, but it was impossible for me to focus on ds while keeping dd from destroying everything around her.