Help please!

[RStelle]

My dd is 5 months old and I have gotten this comment 7 or 8 times all ready. It makes me so upset I always just stand there with my mouth open, or go into a long lecture that they don't understand, and I really need help with how I should respond. The background is that my partner & I are both white and our dd is biracial. (We are 2 women and our good friend donated sperm so that I could get prego). Anyway, everyone keeps asking, "why is she so dark," or "how did she get that beautiful tan?" etc. etc. Annoying, but ok, I can handle that fine I just say "she is biracial" no biggie. What I have a problem with is that I keep getting the comment, "oh, don't worry, you can hardly even tell", or "well, at least she mostly got your complication", "good thing she didn't end up being too dark" etc.  Sometimes it is because they think I feel bad that she doesn't look just like me, sometimes they are just being downright racist. either way, I need to know how to deal with this before my dd understands what they are saying, and to teach her how to respond. Has anyone else run into something like this and how did you deal with it?

[seawitch]

I'm baffled as to how anyone could be so awkward as to say that to you. I get a few comments about how my DD doesn't look like me - but it's never nearly anything as offensive as in your situation.

I don't have a clever one-liner or anything to respond with. I think I would just do the same thing I did naturally while reading this thread. I would stare at them horrified, possibly drop my jaw, and either say "excuse me?" or ask them to clarify what they said because you surely couldn't have heard them right.

That is insanely rude. I can't imagine. I'm sorry you have to deal with them, but I think as parents we all have to deal with some obnoxious comments, whether they're about looks or behavior or whatever. But that takes the cake, really. I'm sure you guys all make a lovely family; don't let their comments get to you.

[Sukhada]

Wow...that's so offensive. I have not yet experienced this personally, although it's one of my concerns about being white and being pregnant with a child who is biracial. I have real concerns about people saying things that are racist in front of my child or my child not feeling accepted or reflected positively in society. I'm not sure what I have a good response for this either. I think that it would be very hard for me to come up with something to say to the offensive person beyond, "wow, that was racist." I feel like I would want to say something because I wouldn't want to teach my child that comments like that were acceptable or that she should tolerate them. I suppose it's a question of how and what.

[RStelle]

After reading both of your responses I think I will just tell them that they are being racist and that what they said is not acceptable. I feel like I was being too nice. I think I've been running into this so much because of where I live--it is a very white and in some ways backwoods type of place, and there are a lot of people who are just not sure what is ok to say and what is not--they have no idea how offensive they are being, they think they are just being nice/making small talk. I have actually had to tell one of my coworkers that she shouldn't call they guy she had gone on a date with "colored" if she ever wanted him to go out with her again.

[mt_gooseberry]

I have gotten similar comments about my DD.  Without offering reasons as to why, I will tell you that when white people comment on her coloring, it has always been remarked as positive, eg: "What a beautiful complexion!"  "Wow, she's so dark!  Cute!" etc.  Her Mexican relatives, however, are constantly making negative remarks:  "Oh, it's too bad she didn't get your white skin..."  "Stop taking her into the sun, she looks like a Maria!"  "She's only half Mexican, but my full Mexican baby has prettier (ie whiter) skin."  It is especially frustrating because they are her family--the very people who shouldn't care what she looks like!  Sometimes I wonder if their comments are more to hurt me...they're not always kind to the gringa imposter.  They should know better than to think they can make a mother ashamed of her child's appearance.  

[gumshoegirl007]

We're in the exact same situation as you!  Our DD is nearly 5 months old, and she is also biracial.  In the first few months very few people commented on her skin tone (I'm quite fair, her donor daddy is at the pretty dark of the south asian spectrum).  The first person to make a comment was also brown and looked at the baby, looked at me, and then commented that she must be mixed.  A young white sales clerk once commented that my baby had such a lovely tan .  We get a lot of compliments on her skin colour.  We have some of our mixed race friends wonder why we chose this life for our kid since they had difficulties growing up.  Our donor's family thinks it's great that he reproduced with white lesbians.  I don't even realize that her skin colour isn't of the same tone as mine until I see pictures of us together.

At first I felt compelled to blurt out our story and explain that she's part south asian with every comment on her skin colour (we do live in an urban centre that is pretty racially diverse and it's people of all racial backgrounds who make comments).  Now I just smile and say thank you, or say that I too think she is adorable.  That being said, we haven't yet had any of the racist or demeaning comments that you've had to endure.  I think that if I'm not feeling like going into education mode, I think I'm just going to nod, or give an outraged look, or just walk away. 

[Sukhada]

Unfortunately, one of the effects that enduring racism is that non-white people begin to value white skin.
 

Originally Posted by mt_gooseberry 

I have gotten similar comments about my DD.  Without offering reasons as to why, I will tell you that when white people comment on her coloring, it has always been remarked as positive, eg: "What a beautiful complexion!"  "Wow, she's so dark!  Cute!" etc.  Her Mexican relatives, however, are constantly making negative remarks:  "Oh, it's too bad she didn't get your white skin..."  "Stop taking her into the sun, she looks like a Maria!"  "She's only half Mexican, but my full Mexican baby has prettier (ie whiter) skin."  It is especially frustrating because they are her family--the very people who shouldn't care what she looks like!  Sometimes I wonder if their comments are more to hurt me...they're not always kind to the gringa imposter.  They should know better than to think they can make a mother ashamed of her child's appearance.  

[AllisonR]

OMG. That is just so far out there. I think saying your comment is racist may not help. Sometimes people are so racist that they actually really think they are not at all. To get beyond racism, you first have to go through the step of admitting it is a problem, that you have a problem. A lot of people are not at that place yet.

Perhaps you could parrot their words back directly. Not in a snooty way, but just exactly as they say, so they can hear what came out of their mouths. It might make some of them pause and think about it. They will have the time to absorb it, as opposed to rushing with a comback to why they are NOT racist.

As in "oh, don't worry, you can hardly even tell", you say "Excuse me, did you just say don't worry, you can hardly even tell?"

"well, at least she mostly got your complication", you say "Excuse me, did you just say well, at least she mostly got your complication?"

This may work now, though I agree you will may a better response in the future, when your DD is an active participant in these awful conversations.

[Eclipsepearl]

I agree but instead of parroting, I would say something like "We like her just the way she is..." or something positive along those lines. 

If it's any consolation, I hear it too and we're both white! My dh is much darker (and more typically looking for our background). I hear "Too bad none got mom's blond hair.." or just comments that they don't look like I do. I quickly say "I don't care if none look like I do. I still love them and I know where they came from!" My beef is different because basically they're telling me that I'm somehow superior since I'm fair but let's not go there...

Two small points, if you want to add to your family, I would suggest "consulting" the same friend. I think psychologically it's easier for my children that they look similar. One looks like she could vaguely be mine but I noticed more comments when I'm out with only one child. When we all walk out together, people can clearly see that my kids had the same "source" so they figure it out. Must look like the dad. End of story.

I also wanted to mention that if you are hearing such tactless comments, you may want to rethink where you're living. Raising a mixed child in an all-white area may not be the supportive community she might need, especially later on. I knew such a case (adopted South Asian child in a white family, in a white neighborhood) that was very not successful. A supportive family wasn't enough to counter the comments and attitudes she encountered. In high school, she might find she's at a dating disadvantage. She might find it stressful to always "stick out". It could also make her a stronger person but you have to ponder whether you want her to have to take that road...

You know what is best for your family so if you don't have any options, you'll make it work. But for both the fact she's biracial and being raised in a non-traditional family, she wants to be proud of what she is. Sometimes a solution is only a few miles away. Many cities have "pockets" of areas where it might be easier for all of you. If the Big City isn't for you and your family, you might consider a college town where more open minded, tactful people are to be found. 

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Eclipsepearl 

I agrI also wanted to mention that if you are hearing such tactless comments, you may want to rethink where you're living. Raising a mixed child in an all-white area may not be the supportive community she might need, especially later on. I knew such a case (adopted South Asian child in a white family, in a white neighborhood) that was very not successful. A supportive family wasn't enough to counter the comments and attitudes she encountered. In high school, she might find she's at a dating disadvantage. She might find it stressful to always "stick out". It could also make her a stronger person but you have to ponder whether you want her to have to take that road...

You know what is best for your family so if you don't have any options, you'll make it work. But for both the fact she's biracial and being raised in a non-traditional family, she wants to be proud of what she is. Sometimes a solution is only a few miles away. Many cities have "pockets" of areas where it might be easier for all of you. If the Big City isn't for you and your family, you might consider a college town where more open minded, tactful people are to be found. 

OP, this is good advice. I know how it sounds. Radical. Way out there. Have to move? Insane. But really, it is sometimes very beneficial. I started LATE. I was pregnant with my 1st at 37. We were not sure if it would even be possible. We loved where we lived, but I knew if we needed to adopt a child of color, we would have to leave the country. It just would not be fair to the child.  just didn't want a constant uphill battle, daily discrimination by people who are so prejudiced that they don't even know that they are. I could not change a whole society. But if needed, I could change where I lived, so that my child could be treated in a fair and reasonable manner. 

[Eclipsepearl]

Actually, it's not as radical as it seems. Most young families move at some point when their children are little. And yes, we're still young, I was 35 having my first and we already have moved once.

Like I said, you can make it work if moving is not an option. It might make the child a stronger person in the long run. It's not an "all-or-nothing" situation. Some families just can't move. 

But in most urban areas, there can be radical differences from one community to the next. My sister lives in Oakland, California which is very diverse. Ten minutes away in Orinda and Moraga, the communities are mostly white. The zip code barely changes...

There are plenty of success stories of raising children where there are no other minorities too. The former Miss France is mixed. One of her parents is African-American and grew up in a small town in France. She said it was a positive experience. 

http://www.blackamericaweb.com/?q=articles/news/the_black_diaspora_news/4030&page=11

The parents are the best judges of whether the comments they're hearing are from lack of education, misconceptions or whether they are, in fact, face to face with real prejudice.