WWYD if you were asked to babysit for a CIO family?

[crunchy_mommy]

Assume it's family or friends & you would otherwise be happy to babysit...

Would you refuse? Refuse to sit during nap/bedtimes? If you would sit for them, would you tell the parent(s) outright that you aren't able to do CIO, or just hope that they don't mind you putting baby to bed your own way?

[Tjej]

Unless they are in the "training" stage of it, it shouldn't matter for babysitting.  You just put the child down and they go to sleep.  They don't cry every time they are put to bed when people do CIO, they only do that until they learn that it is useless.  Then they don't. 

We didn't CIO with my DD, but she did go to sleep best on her own.  I was very clear with people - get her in bed by her bedtime and she goes to sleep well on her own.  What would some do?  Rock her in the rocking chair, then marvel that two hours past her bedtime she still wasn't asleep!  I TOLD THEM to put her in her bed.  They thought all babies fell asleep being rocked so it didn't matter.  Nope.  Not mine.  Liked her bed.  So anyway, moral of that - if you can't follow the instructions it is annoying.  I suppose you could find out what the instructions are and see if you can live with them.

Tjej

[JudiAU]

I wouldn't assume that there won't be tears. Yes, some infants and toddlers who were CIO do not cry. But many do. Every time.

It probably wouldn't be prolonged like when they are going through "process" but it is at all unusual for them to CIO ever night. In fact, all the CIO kids cry when they go to sleep usually for ten minutes or so. I have never watched them but I've been at their house during nap time or bed time. The people I know who CIO are fairly proud of it so they point it out to me like see, It only takes ten minutes of crying every day vs. my 30-45 "nice guy routine."

I'd also assume that letting them cry will result in a faster bedtime for both of you and that is what the parent will want.

And as PP said, some kids go to sleep on their own without tears and without CIO.

[Linda on the move]

I'd either agree to do what the parents usually do (and therefore what the child is used to) or I would decline to babysit.

I would be exactly as polite about by what I saying as I would want someone to be with me if the situation were reversed.

[FarmerBeth]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I'd either agree to do what the parents usually do (and therefore what the child is used to) or I would decline to babysit.

I would be exactly as polite about by what I saying as I would want someone to be with me if the situation were reversed.

Diddo.

[momof3tobe]

I babysat my friend's dd who was 9 months old at the time and I knew she would let her dd cry herself to sleep so when she asked me to watch her I told her, "just so you know, we have a rule in this house that we don't let babies cry- I just can't do it." And she was fine with that. It was only for one day, though. I don't know if she would have felt differently if I was watching her dd on a regular basis but I would still tell her that I can't let babies cry.

[Marissamom]

I would tell them that I would babysit, but that we don't let babies cry at our house, if they weren't okay with that they could find another babysitter. 

[AnnaBees Mama]

I do regularly babysit for a CIO family. He is 16 months old, and his parents are friends of ours, and DD's godparents.

The first week or two, I refused to leave him by himself to fall asleep, even though they "worked very hard" at a young age to get him to fall asleep by himself. I couldn't do that to him. His routine was now very different because he was in a new environment. He knew me and had been at our home countless times before, but it was still foreign-feeling to him by being in a new bed, room, lighting, noises, time of day etc. It made no sense to leave the poor guy. He was displaced and disturbed enough, and he needed to know he was safe with me.

At the time I started watching him, DD was 6mo. She is a bear to get down to sleep, so I did a lot of juggling from naptime to naptime to try to make it so that J was never alone and had all the comfort I could offer him, while being attentive to DD but keep her disruptions to a minimum. It was a HUGE challenge, but we made it through.

After a couple weeks, J would walk to the room he slept in on his own when he was ready for his nap. I would set him in his playyard, he would lay down, talk to himself, and drift off to sleep within 5-10 minutes. He was comfortable enough that I could leave the room and attend to DD. There have  been a few occasions that he's sort of whimpered for a few minutes, but it never did seem to be his "need" to be rocked or soothed. I tried a few times, and he didn't want it. I let him be w/ the baby monitor going, and he rarely was awake more than 5-10 minutes. On the rare occasions he seems upset, I go to him. He's only gotten truly upset when he's dropped his "Fluffy" or his "Bink" overboard. I simply hand whatever he dropped back to him, give him a hug, and assure him that we'd play when he woke up. Goes right to sleep ;)

I don't tell his parents how I do things. They just know he sleeps for me. It makes my stomach turn how they do things, especially lately with his separation anxiety. He desperately misses his parents, but he gets about 2 hours w/ dad and <1 hour w/ mom in the evening after work (they can't help it, they have to both work). They just stick him in bed and close the door when he's too "clingy". I wanted to vomit when we came over one evening and I asked if J was in bed, and his mom replied "Yeah, he wanted to be glued to my leg and wouldn't have it any other way so to bed he went." In his case, I am seeing the effects. He's always been a laid back kid, but he is super meek like he has no voice. He doesn't assert himself anymore, as if he's lost power. They interpret this as him being "good". I feel so bad for him and shower him with all the affection I have when I have him at our house. Apart from bedtime and their constant distinction between "good boy" and "naughty boy", they are nurturing parents who trying to do what any other parents do---- their best. They're just misguided, IMO.

[ilovemygirl]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I'd either agree to do what the parents usually do (and therefore what the child is used to) or I would decline to babysit.

I would be exactly as polite about by what I saying as I would want someone to be with me if the situation were reversed.

This!

It's their child and you should respect that. If you really feel you couldn't handle it, you shouldn't do it. There are lots of things we do and don't do as AP and crunchy moms that a lot of people don't agree with, that some other moms think are stupid or even harmful. I'd be pretty pissed if they agreed to watch my child and didn't follow my rules. 

[kathymuggle]

I would just let them know that I won't do CIO, and they can decide whether I can sit for them.  

[chiefmir]

I think it would help to know what the child's sleep habits look like right NOW.  I mean, does he generally go to sleep right away on his own? If he's been doing that for a while, without crying, then he may need a little more TLC from you (in terms of coming back into the room and helping him resettle) but might also find any other kind of being put down to bed very unsettling. My DDs (now 6 yrs, 2.5 years and 12 months) all need/needed to be in their own space, without being touched to fall asleep well.  They are super cuddly loving kids and are happy to be rocked and help and snuggled, but they don't fall asleep that way after a few months. The 2.5 year old calls us back in maybe once a week and we recover her and say something about what we'll do after nap/in the morning and leave, but don't take her out of her crib (she isn't crying or scared... of course we'd take her out to comfort her then, she just needs one more peek before going down) and she is down for the count. The baby gets put in the pack and play and 99% of the time is silent, every now and then will cry for the 3 seconds it takes us to walk to the door, and then is out for the night.  Of course, anyone I trusted to watch my kids I'd also trust to have the instincts to know when my kid was just making a little noise/settling down/needing one more hug or tuck, and when they were needing something more.  Just find out where he is in the sleep process now, and see where your comfort level is.

[meemee]

with family and friends i'd let them know i just cant handle a child crying. i just. cant. i'd turn into an emotional wreck. i can handle all the toddler and up whining but i cant handle tears from anyone. 

however i probably would not offer that piece of information if it wasnt necessary.

i'd find out what they want me to do. and if they said CIO i'd tell them then.

[Alphaghetti]

I am a home child care provider, so this is an issue that I am facing now. I have a 14 mo little girl here who cries for less than 30 seconds every day at nap time. I learned to deal with it, since it is such a short period of time, and tbh it is more of a protest rant than an actual tearful plea.  I now have a 16 mo boy who is having his first day with me today. His parents told me that CIO was the only way he will nap, and if he doesn't nap, he is unhappy the rest of the day. So, today at nap time, I put him to bed, and he flipped out. I wasn't sure I could handle it, but I walked downstairs and waited at the bottom, ready to rescue him if he couldn't calm himself. He did this for less than two minutes, and is sound asleep. I am unsure, mind you, of how long I could have let it continue,  had he not calmed in those two mins....

So yeah, I guess I would. ;)

[coldandsleepy]

I babysat a little boy whose family does parenting basically differently from me in EVERY way, including doing CIO at bedtime etc.  His mom once told me it was okay to pinch him if he wasn't listening.  (Definitely NOT something I felt comfortable with.)  While she knew and understood that we parent very differently and was okay with me doing it my way at our house, it ended up being part of why I stopped watching him.  I just felt like it was unfair for him to have such different expectations depending on whose home he was in, and I also didn't like him trying to repeat some of the behaviors in common practice at his home with my kid, who is younger and whom he assumed he was the boss of in that inimitable toddler-y way...

[redpajama]

I would put the child to bed the way the parents asked me to, if they specified.  Just as I would be upset to learn that a babysitter had put my baby in a room and let him or her cry him-or-herself to sleep, I would not be surprised if a parent was upset to learn that I didn't adhere to their parenting philosophy with their child.

If I felt that adhering to the parents' parenting philosophy was somehow abusive, I just wouldn't offer (or would decline) to babysit.  But while I personally wouldn't do CIO with my kid (and I think it's a bad idea in general), I don't feel like my putting the child to bed the way it was used to be put to bed would contribute to any larger harm (which isn't to say that I don't think CIO is harmful--only that putting a child down that way who was put down that way every other night or, inversely, *not* putting them down that way, would have a lot of impact on the child in the grand scheme of things).