3 y.o. resisting independence

[katfisch1]

My daughter, who turned 3 in June, is completely resisting independence. She requests help with tasks that I know she can do (I've seen her do these things!), such as getting dressed, going potty, putting shoes on, etc. She is a very smart and verbal little girl and she likes to try to manipulate situations to her benefit. It's too the point where she will say "I need to go potty! Mommy, I need your help." and stand there until I help her take down her pants, get onto the potty, wipe, flush, and pull pants up. I've tried to encourage her to run to the potty herself and get on, but she is so stubborn that she would rather stand there and have an accident waiting for my help than do it herself. I've tried saying things like "Once you get yourself dressed we can go to the park/ library/ play in the backyard, etc. but that does not motivate her- she will just find something else to play with instead. Just now, she undressed herself because she wanted to put on her swimsuit (clearly she is capable of dressing/ undressing), and I told her it's not time for pool, we are going to the library after lunch (something that is very motivating to her!). She has now been sitting here naked for 30 minutes refusing to dress herself. When she does actually choose to do something herself, I praise like crazy and make a huge deal.

Help! Any suggestions would be appreciated. Some days it feels like I am helping her more than my 16 m.o. son! And some days when I am really trying to get somewhere, I've even resorted to bribery (something I DO NOT want to do!). Thoughts??

[pianojazzgirl]

I think she is likely needing to be "babied" a bit right now for whatever reason (seeing a younger sibling being helped all the time is likely part of it, though not necessarily all of it).  Honestly, I'd probably just help her out for now and trust that it is a phase that will pass.  I'll let other mamas chime in with their experience but it has been my experience with both my kids that they have gone through phases just like this.  It's like they just needed the reassurance of knowing I would do it for them, even if they were able to themselves.  Once they saw that I *would* be there if they needed it they felt comfortable enough to do it themselves (I hope that makes sense!).

Now that said, if I really was in a position when I needed my older dc to do it herself (say I was in the middle of a messy dipe change with younger dc and older dc suddenly needed to use the potty) I wouldn't be above a bit of bribery (also not something I like to use, but save in case of emergencies).

The whole thing can turn into a big battle of wills if you're not careful, so if you can create the mental space needed to give your older dc some "babying" I'd give that a try and trust that it will all work out. It might be that you have already reached somewhat of a stand-off, in which case (even if having your older dc do things for herself IS v. important to you) I'd probably back off and not make a big deal of it for a while, just to let things de-escalate (is that even a word, lol???).

ETA  it is right around that age, btw, that both my kids went through a similar phase.  When they were younger toddlers they went through a phase of "I do it!" (wanting to do everything themselves) and then around the age of 3 dug in their heels and wanted me to do it for them instead.  I wonder if other mamas have had a similar experience?

[katfisch1]

Oh my gosh- thank you, pianojazzgirl for such an awesome response. Honestly, that's exactly what I wanted to hear, it just helps to have some reassurance from someone who has been there. It has, to a degree, become a battle of wills at this point, and quite frankly, it takes much less energy to help her then it does to battle with her until she does it herself. I'm relieved to hear that this may be common at this age. I'm almost sure that it is attention seeking, but I suppose if that is what she needs at this point, that's fine. Like you said, it's just a phase. Thanks!!

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by katfisch1 

Some days it feels like I am helping her more than my 16 m.o. son!

 I think that is the answer right there. It's regression and it's really normal. Your DD just turned 3, she is still a little girl, and yet this other smaller child has come along and replaced her and gets mommy to change his clothes, wipe his bottom, pay special attention... I want some of that!!!!

Plus her love language may be care - you taking care of her.

I have a 6yo and he did the wanting to be baby thing when his little sister was right about your DS age. I found it really annoying but also found out that insisting he do XYZ it totally backfired. He got worse, and took the message as me pushing him away, forcing him to do more than he wanted. So I allowed the baby stage from him, a lot. I even remember a few times holding him in the baby position and rocking him and singing him a lulliby. He was about 3.5 yo. He loved it. But it filled him up and after a few short months he was back to being himself.

With one exception - he still loved me to get him dressed in the mornings. It drove DH batty, but I knew he could dress himself and I knew he would not be asking me when he was 18! So I still did it. Even when he was 5 and DD was 3, and DD would go into her room and pick out her outfit and dress herself completely - often several times a day, and I would still be pulling shirts over his head. Now he is 6 and he normally dresses himself. But I am glad I let him do this at his own pace. It was not the end of the world, and he did it when needed (at kindergarten or school) and he appreciated me when I helped.