Oh that would drive me crazy! I totally understand your frustration. My DS is only just 2 so I don't know how relevant our experience is. I have recently shifted my attitude about toddlers and the family dinner though. He would always be sooo hungry when we got home from work/daycare and would want to snack, snack, snack. He was never that hungry at dinner time though, and was not interested in a lot of our family meals. When I would limit his snacks, he would be hungry at dinner, but only really want toddler food (quesadilla or hot dog or beans or something) so I would usually make him a separate dinner because I wanted him to eat (he's always been really small on the growth charts). I never thought I'd be making 2 dinners each night, but everything changes once you actually have kids : )
Then one day I just thought, why am I fighting this? He wants a meal at 5:30 and we want to eat (something spicy!) at 6:30 or 7. Now I try to offer him more of a meal when we get home (even if it's banana, yogurt, and crackers or PB&J sometimes). He sits in his highchair and eats while I can cook dinner for me and DH. Then he plays for a bit and usually sits down to eat with us at our dinner and tastes whatever we are having. He doesn't seem to eat any less of our dinner than he did before, and I don't stress about it. I feel like I inherited a lot of food issues from the way I was raised and I want DS to learn to listen to his body, which is why I was never comfortable trying to stop him from eating at 5:30 so he would (theoretically) eat at 6:30. I do find that accepting the constant snacking instead of expecting DS to join in our big dinner has helped my peace of mind. We'll see where we're at in another year and a half : ) I know my nephews are going through some similar food choice power struggles/issues and they are closer to 4.
One idea for a compromise: Sometimes I just give DS a smoothie popsicle (homemade) while we eat dinner since he's already done most of his eating for the day and we like his company at the table. You can even sneak some kale in with the yogurt and fruit, and some protein to make sure your LO doesn't feel hungry at night.
I'm jealous you're in Hawaii! What a wonderful place to raise a family! What island are you on?