Who gets your kids if you die? - Page 2

[Abvnx]

Originally Posted by Abvnx 

This is where we are too. I feel kinda stuck. My middle sister lives with her MIL who clearly has some undiagnosed mental illness, and still wants to stay out partying until 2am(even when she agreed to be back at 10.) She also spanks and is sometimes just mean to her kids. 

Youngest sister is very responsible and level headed, but lives at home and is just starting college(In a few years, she might be the best choice)

Youngest, my brother, now 21 dropped out of school at 15 and hasn't had a steady job. 

Option 2. Good friends of ours. I'm not sure how much of a support system they would have. Her parents live nearby, but her father made/makes comments about her weight, as in "Do you REALLY think you should be eating that?" 

DH and I were recently discussing option 3. My aunt and uncle. They wouldn't spank, mock or belittle a child. Their kids seemed kind or spoiled when we were kids but they all grew up to be decent people. They live about 8hrs away from my family. My DH is hesitant because he wants to get to know them better. So far they seem like the best choice, at least for now. 

Sorry, correction. DH misunderstood my question regarding my aunt and uncle(He thought I was asking if he thought they had Aspergers or not). He agrees they would be a good choice.
 

Edited for yet another correction.

Edited by Abvnx - 8/19/11 at 9:54am

[Toposlonoshlep]

Yes, you are overreacting. You are planning for your and DH's death and the future of kids that don't exist, and in the process being critical of your sister's family. Look, there are no guarantees in life. By the time you actually HAVE children, a whole new support system may come along. Or people that you trusted before will no longer be trustworthy to you. If you're trying to plan THIS much and freaking out THIS much BEFORE having a kid, there will NEVER be a right time to have one. Relax, live your life, stop criticizing others, and roll with the punches. 
 

Originally Posted by Abvnx 

Ok, so I just had a conversation with my sister. I told her she and her DH were at the top of our list to get guardianship of our kids if the unthinkable should happen. As gently as I could, I explained that BIL can be mocking and insulting at times. And that I'm sure he doesn't intend it to be mean spirited, but it can still be hurtful. She understood and said her DH doesn't always think about things before he says them. I asked her if she ever talks with him about it. She says no, she doesn't notice because he talks that way to everyone. But he knows children are more sensitive. 

I'm sure this is a difference of perception, but I have seen him be snarky to kids.

Over the weekend DH and I went to our nephews birthday party. We were walking into the house, my mom in front helping Sis and BIL's son(almost 18mos.) climb the stairs into the house. The steps were kind of high for a little kid, about mid-thigh hight for him, so he was taking some time getting up the steps. So, BIL says to his DS in a mocking tone something to the effect of  "Let's go, we don't have all day!" I don't remember his exact words. To me this sounds disrespectful. I would not appreciate being talked to that way.

Am I overreacting about this? Should this be a reason to name someone else the guardians if everything else is good? 

[Abvnx]

Originally Posted by Toposlonoshlep 

Yes, you are overreacting. You are planning for your and DH's death and the future of kids that don't exist, and in the process being critical of your sister's family. Look, there are no guarantees in life. By the time you actually HAVE children, a whole new support system may come along. Or people that you trusted before will no longer be trustworthy to you. If you're trying to plan THIS much and freaking out THIS much BEFORE having a kid, there will NEVER be a right time to have one. Relax, live your life, stop criticizing others, and roll with the punches. 
 

Am I not supposed to care that BIL insults and mocks? Being critical of the person who might be raising my kids(however unlikely) is absolutely justified. 

As unlikely as it is for this to happen, I think it would be irresponsible of us not to name *someone* as a guardian. It shouldn't be just anyone. Granted, it may be a little overboard trying to pick someone right now, but at least having people in mind seems like a good idea. My mom grew up in foster homes and terrible things happened to her there. I take this very seriously. 

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Abvnx 

As unlikely as it is for this to happen, I think it would be irresponsible of us not to name *someone* as a guardian. It shouldn't be just anyone. Granted, it may be a little overboard trying to pick someone right now, but at least having people in mind seems like a good idea. My mom grew up in foster homes and terrible things happened to her there. I take this very seriously. 

I'm proud of you for thinking this through. I used to run a new mom's support group and this topic made some mothers tremble.. but it really needs to be taken of.

[Amanda1]

We also are having a tough time with this. Here are our options

1) my mom- we live with her now and she is very very close to ds...but I'm not a huge fan of her husband. She is fairly stable right now but while I was a teenager she went through a kind of depression and was pretty irresponsible with us, I pretty much raised my siblings for a year or 2. She does not seem to remember any of this and some times still has little fits of "crazyness" for a week or 2.

2) My brother- young single and in the navy ( so lots of travel for a few months at a time)- He is very responsible and would put everything he had into raising his nephew. He has already told me this and I would trust him to respect our wishes and values. In the future when he is married/ in a good relationship he'd be #1 choice

3)my sister- She is young (22) but loves ds. The problem is her boyfriend (together for 3+ years and talking about getting married), he has anger issues and is VERY lazy, not what we want passed on to ds

4) my dad/ step mom - not an option for a variety of reasons

5) dh's family- he has 4 very stable siblings, most of who have kids. Some would be an easy choice based on our values...except they live on the other side of the world. I dont think its fair on ds or my family to ship him away after loosing us.

So this is where we are stuck too,

I am thinking maybe put my brother as his gardian. He could make the best choice at the time, depending on every ones lives. He would also make sure ds spent time every year with his family in Ireland.

I am glad to know other people have these issues too!!!!!

[Toposlonoshlep]

You asked if you were overreacting and yes, I think you are. You are putting a LOT of energy into kids that don't exist and into a family where the guy mocks and is critical of his own kids. To the point of confrontation? Life doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. You can care that your brother in law does not always parent the way you'd like him to, but you won't change him. If anything, you will alienate your sister and your BIL over fictitious kids. If they are not good enough parents, start thinking about bringing some new people into your life who are more like-minded. But you know what? When you actually HAVE children and go through the process, you will find there's a LOT more to think an worry about. And chances are new people will come into your life anyway and bad influences will fall away as you take care of your kids and make those choices. Your BIL's parenting style is stopping you from TTC? Yes, I think that's totally unreasonable, paranoid, and excessive. You asked for opinions and there's mine. Relax, and live your life. You have no reason to criticize your sister's family. You cannot change other people's families to be your vision of perfection to fit your own needs. It seems your sister is well-aware of her family dynamic and it is up to her if she'd like to make change. If they are not good enough to raise your future children, you need to look elsewhere, not be confrontational.

Originally Posted by Abvnx 

Am I not supposed to care that BIL insults and mocks? Being critical of the person who might be raising my kids(however unlikely) is absolutely justified. 

As unlikely as it is for this to happen, I think it would be irresponsible of us not to name *someone* as a guardian. It shouldn't be just anyone. Granted, it may be a little overboard trying to pick someone right now, but at least having people in mind seems like a good idea. My mom grew up in foster homes and terrible things happened to her there. I take this very seriously. 

Edited by Toposlonoshlep - 8/22/11 at 8:13am

[Super~Single~Mama]

Well, if something happened to me, my ds would go to my ex and his family.

If something happened to my ex, and then something happened to me, well, I would want ds to either go to my parents (if they are still in good enough health to take care of ds), or to one of my brothers.  Neither of my brothers have kids, but they are both wonderful people, who love ds, and are very good with him.  One of my cousins would also be a good choice, but neither of them is old enough yet (one is 19, and the other is almost 16).  I guess I'm lucky to have so many options.

Anyway, OP - even though its a very important decision to make, I don't think it should hold you back from TTC, and I think you are worrying prematurely about your BIL since he's not your only option, and b/c it is so unlikely that he would get your hypothetical children.  So many things can happen that cannot be predicted at this point.

[MsDolphin]

We made a list that includes all our siblings and parents, in order of preference who would get DS, if something happened to both of us. We also gave a few requests, such as what kind of schooling/religious faith we want for him.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by MsDolphin 

We also gave a few requests, such as what kind of schooling/religious faith we want for him.

As long as you realize they have no legal obligation to honor your requests once you are gone.

[Abvnx]

I probably have been a bit obsessive on this issue, mostly because I wasn't very comfortable with the choices at hand. After some discussion, DH and I decided that my aunt and uncle would be the best choice for now. We will reevaluate as situations change. DH recently got a new job with insurance so now we are looking forward to TTC very soon. 

[Imakcerka]

My Brother would get them.  He's single and he's older than me and still a kid.  However the night I called crying to him and the rest of my family about our daycare situation was the night he quit his job and drove cross country to help us... and he stayed for a year.  He knew nothing about infants but he learned quickly and he certainly fell in love with DD1.  Since we are the only ones in either of our families with kids, theres a bit of contention about this and it was never brought up by us.  However when asked I say my brother.  DH is on board, he and my brother get along well. 

Believe me there are some pissed of grannies and aunts out there thinking we're idiots for picking him.  But when we needed someone he gave it all up for us.  And I'll forever be greatful for what he did. 

[seashells]

I think it's just one of those things. Make a choice. If, over time, someone better seems apparent, draw up new papers.

Our primary is my mom - who is very loving but also in poor health. Not exactly an ideal choice.

Secondary is SIL - also in poor health, and has proved to be rather, well, un-nuturing.

But what can we do? Thankfully, this is a very unlikely situation. And if it comes up, better my mom than rolling the dice with foster care. Life will be hard for DD if she loses both of her parents, there's no way around that. We can only do the best we can do. And, believe me, if we develop a really good friendship with a family that would be better than our current choices, we'll make the change accordingly.

[McGucks]

Don't have time to read the posts, but we are in the process of considering some very close family friends and doing the paperwork.  SIL and BIL aren't options for a variety of reasons, ILs are in their 70s, and I don't have family.

It is a hard decision and no choice is ever "perfect."

[philomom]

Originally Posted by seashells 

I think it's just one of those things. Make a choice. If, over time, someone better seems apparent, draw up new papers.

Yep, and sometimes your kids needs change over time. When they were little, I choose someone very nurturing. Now that they are so nearly grown, I choose someone who will help them with the college choosing process. We've changed our will to reflect that choice.

[Devaskyla]

We have no one. My mother is completely out of the question. She's disabled & getting worse. She can barely take care of herself. Just having the kids around for a few days exhausts her, even with me there. She can't handle the toddler at all. She can't pick him up & wouldn't be able to care for a baby.

My sister & her husband have 2 kids. I hate their discipline, I think my BIL is borderline abusive. He's constantly changing jobs & wasting money. They often seem to barely have enough for themselves & it's not like we have the money to afford life insurance, so we wouldn't be able to leave anything to help.

And that is literally it. We have no friends, we have no other family.  I hate not having someone we could trust with them.