Hi...I am new here. I am newly a single mom and looking for peers who understand what I am experiencing. All of my friends are in stable married relationships and cannot relate to me. I amnot going to get into my whole situation on the inernet, but my husband is gone, no longer has any rights to our boys, and I am getting a divorce. I have four children: a girl almost 12, and three boys ages 7, 5, and 2. My DD has a different father (who is married), and she just went to live with him. She has for a long time wanted to try living with him and her step-mom. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, and I miss her terribly...but I have been forced to move in with my mom, and there is hardly any room here. With her father she has her own bedroom and she is very happy. I am currently finishing up nursing school and will graduate with my associates in december. It is very lonely being a single mom and I really have no one to talk to. That's me in a nutshell.
Thank you very much...yes it was a very hard decision. I dont regret it, but it was so hard...just as was leaving my husband and taking our boys with us. But I had to. They come first in my life. I figure now for my daughter it will be better for her to be in a stable two parent household which is financially stable. My boys are so confused, but dealing. I havent figured out what to tell them yet. They still ask where daddy is and when is he coming back. I dont want to lie, but I cannot tell the truth, either...
Telling the kids was abolutely the hardest thing. They had hardly ever seen us fight since I did not want conflict in the home, so I basically avoided fighting and only brought stuff up in marriage counseling.
I told my girls (8 & 10) little pieces as the story unfolded. When we fled the house I told that that their daddy had hurt and scared me and that he and I needed some "separation time." In our house, if the kids bicker too much, they lose the priviledge of interacting with each other for a few hours, so they understood that. They asked if he had physically hurt me, and I said yes, and that it is illegal for a grown-up to hit or kick another grown-up and that is why I called the police.
We were able to return home briefly, but then when we went into temporary hiding, I had to tell them that we were in danger, which was so hard. I told them that there are lots of kinds of sickness, some people have alcohol sickness (I am in recovery so they know about that), some have shopping sickness, and daddy has anger sickness. I made sure to mention how much we all love him and how much he loves us (I still do that). I told them that it wasn't anybody's fault, that daddy was so sick with anger that he needed time and space to recover. Now that he is in DV treatment, they know that he is getting help. For the first few weeks they kept asking when he would be able to come home and I answered that I didn't know. I say that I miss hime, too, which is not really honest. I miss the idealized him.
DDs are seeing a counselor, and I got a bunch of kids' books from the library about separation/divorce/domestic violence. They seem to be getting used to him living away. They both really want to spend more extended and normal time (unsupervised) with him and have been somewhat impatient about that, but also seem to be accepting the new structure. We are in the marital home and I have been trying to keep life as normal and fun as possible without denying the reality that we are experiencing. It is exhausting but getting easier. HTH
I understand. I wanted to just run away with my kids when my X and I were fighting so much. He was a jerk to me and the children. I was just a jerk to him. But I decided to stay and allow him to have a full relationship with them even though I did not trust him or his family with my babies. It hurts like a dull knife in my heart. I wanted to die instead of split my time with them, but I knew that they would not forgive me for dying on them. Now I see that my children are happy in two homes. They love us both. I would never take that away from them. I miss them so much. But I just say my prayer of love for them and have some joy in my life. Thank God I'm not married to that family anymore! I'm myself again, and because I've been able to give my deepest love (kids) to share with them, I've faced my greatest fear in life. It's still hard, but I'm more confident than ever. And when we are together, I can give my best self to the kids. I feel lucky even though it's hard. I'm happier than I've been in years, maybe in my whole life.