Separation anxiety...mine, not hers!

[LillianB]

My first and only daughter is about to turn 8 months. This morning, DH told me that he wants to take her to a birthday party this weekend so she can meet a bunch of people. I have a function that day and can't go with them. I don't know any of the people who will be at this party.

My first gut reaction is "No! You can't take her!" I can't put my finger on why I don't want her to go and I can't explain to DH why it makes me so uncomfortable. This has happened in the past when he's wanted to take her to meet people without me and it usually leads to an argument. "What's he big deal?" he says.

Is it irrational for me to cringe at the idea of strangers handling my baby? I know DH thinks that the more exposed she is to strangers, the more comfortable she'll be around people in the long run. I don't know if this is true and prefer for her to spend her time with people who are going to be fixtures in her life (family and good friends) rather than a bunch of random albeit friendly people. I know I should be happy that he wants to show her off and it'll only be for a couple of hours, but it still really rankles me.

Am I way out of line here? How do I explain this to DH in a way that doesn't make me sound ridiculous? Is it true that being around strangers a lot is good for her social development? 

Any suggestions, advice, reassurance or kicks in the pants would be greatly appreciated...

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by LillianB 
Is it irrational for me to cringe at the idea of strangers handling my baby? I know DH thinks that the more exposed she is to strangers, the more comfortable she'll be around people in the long run. I don't know if this is true and prefer for her to spend her time with people who are going to be fixtures in her life (family and good friends) rather than a bunch of random albeit friendly people. I know I should be happy that he wants to show her off and it'll only be for a couple of hours, but it still really rankles me.

Maybe it makes you uncomfortable because your DH is acting like your baby is a puppy. 

You are perfectly rational and no, being around strangers is not necessarily good for her social development. In this stage of her development the only interaction she needs is primarily from you, her dad, and maybe a couple grandparents/aunts and uncles. In other words, you and people you are close with.

Being around strangers can be very stressful for babies especially at this age when they are developing some anxiety about them and it's really not fair to the baby to expect her to deal with this potentially stressful situation without her mommy! It is unreasonable for your DH to expect this to be okay with you. I'd just tell him that you get the final word because you are the primary caregiver and he can go enjoy company by himself. 
 

[LillianB]

Oh, I could kiss you! Thank you for making me not feel like such a harpy!

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by LillianB 

Oh, I could kiss you! Thank you for making me not feel like such a harpy!

I hope your DH never called you a harpy. It sounds like he seriously needs to be taken down a couple notches.

[McGucks]

I am right there with you.  Our LO is 16 months and I would not feel comfortable (at all) with the situation you describe.  It is not a rational feeling because there is no "rational" when it comes to how moms feel about their children...we are mama bears...it is different for most men.  I know some women who are delighted when their SO takes the baby to functions or whatever, and I am sure I seem as strange to them as they do to me.

I can't stand for certain folks to even touch my child.  It usually has to do with how I feel towards that person myself, but it truly makes me cringe sometimes.

They have their entire lives to be around other people.  My understanding is that the more securely they are attached to their parent(s), the more confident in themselves they will become.

This is a difficult situation for you to be in, partially because it's so hard to explain.  Maybe a mama with a better way of explaining it can lend you some words that'll help.  FWIW, I completely understand!

[holothuroidea]

I disagree, I think it's perfectly rational. The only thing a baby knows is mom=safe and everyone else is unknown. They have a very real fear of strangers and for good reason. I mean obviously you know that nobody is going to kidnap the baby or treat her badly but she does not understand that. It's pretty unfair to expect anyone to go into a stressful situation like that without their primary source of safety and comfort. I would be very much against it.

A lot of people (including many mothers) do not see babies as human beings and therefore can't see why this is rational. I understand that you don't want to judge people for being different from you but in this case I think it's justified. I would steer clear of mothers who think it's OK to let someone who's not a primary caregiver take their babies to parties and show them off like a nice piece of jewelry or something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

I am right there with you.  Our LO is 16 months and I would not feel comfortable (at all) with the situation you describe.  It is not a rational feeling because there is no "rational" when it comes to how moms feel about their children...we are mama bears...it is different for most men.  I know some women who are delighted when their SO takes the baby to functions or whatever, and I am sure I seem as strange to them as they do to me.

[McGucks]

Oooh, yeah...I like what holo said.  I tend to not give enough credit to my instincts and discount them.  Of course it's rational for moms to want their young children close to them!  We need to trust our instincts when it comes to our babies.

I want to also say that the OP's husband sounds proud of his daughter, which is good and as it should be...is there any way the schedule could be juggled for the three of you to attend together?

I do understand why the OP's DH is confused about her reluctance, though...from his perspective, he is a loving parent who can be trusted to keep his daughter safe, right?  I think this is a difficult situation for both parents.

OP--I get HUGE anxiety when I am away from my son.  The coveted "time to myself" (a.k.a. a grocery run or taking the recycling) is almost never pleasurable for me.  I get very, very anxious when I am away from my baby.  I wonder if this will lessen as he weans, whenever that might be.  We still nurse every couple of hours and I feel all whacked out if we don't connect with that on a regular basis.

[holothuroidea]

 

This conversation is digging up a lot of sour emotions for me so I'm going to duck out. OP, trust your instincts and I hope everything works out favorably for your family.

[caseykn]

I don't think that being around strangers affects babies one way in the long run. I think what DOES affect them is the way their parents interact with them and read their cues when they're with strangers. My mom was the "take me to a party and leave me with the other strange kids while she talked to grown ups and ignored me" kind of party-goer and I had separation anxiety issues around that. I was a really shy kid and would have much preferred to be with my mom. DH and I take our 4yo and baby with us (together or with just one of us) to all sorts of events and parties and we spend a lot of time with our kids there. We don't force DD1 to go play with the other kids if she doesn't want to and we make sure we're attending to our kids' needs while still enjoying the other adults at the party. People we know can hold the baby as long as she seems happy about it and we keep an eye on them to be able to take her back as soon as she seems upset. Total strangers don't get to hold the baby but they can talk to her/hold her hand/make silly faces at her to get her to smile so long as she seems happy and comfortable. Otherwise, she goes into a carrier so she can take a nap or just be a little more hidden from all the people. I totally trust my DH to be a nurturing parent and keep our kids feeling comfortable and safe while in social situations.

I don't think there's anything wrong with "showing off" a baby, maybe because I don't really think of it as showing off. People likely want to meet this newest member of your family and there's nothing wrong with wanting friends to meet this little person who is so amazingly important to you. She's a huge part of DH's life and it's nice that he wants other people to know that. It seems that you're ok with him taking care of her while you're gone that day so what is it about the party that makes you uncomfortable with him being alone with her?

Is your reluctance to let DH go stemming from not wanting a bunch of strangers holding your baby? Are you worried that she'll be upset and your DH won't act appropriately and put a stop to the "passing around" of her? What if he agreed to not let strangers hold her? How would DDs experience be different if you were there too? Is there a way DH can act that would make you feel better about it?

[SilverFish]

well, i personally would be LIVID if my husband told me i wasn't allowed to take MY CHILD out to a party while he was busy.

i can understand a reluctance to be away from your child when you know they're in a new situation, but your husband is your child's parent. why even be with him if you don't trust him to treat your child well when you're not around and respect her feelings about being passed to strangers? i'm sorry, i just can't believe other people are jumping on this like it's a totally reasonable and praiseworthy emotion to not allow the parent of your child to take them out where they want!! it's a party, for heavens sake, not a strip club. he wants to show her off because she's probably really cute and funny and he's really proud of her, not because he thinks she's a puppy!

they're presumably his friends right? he's not just going out on the streets and randomly handing her off... just because YOU don't know them, doesn't mean they're not worth knowing. look, you can say to him, i really want you to be aware of her signals and needs while you're out... if she's upset about someone holding her, please take her back; if she's tired or cranky, please take her home, etc. but that's about all i think you can reasonably say to your adult partner and the parent of your child.  

[LillianB]

Thank you all very much for your thoughts and responses, This definitely gives me some good things to think about and I very much appreciate the feedback.

[holothuroidea]

I don't know your particular family's situation but if your DH is the type that works all day comes home and spends 2 hours with the baby before they go to sleep at night.. that doesn't really qualify him to take her wherever he wants whenever he wants just because he is the dad. What SilverFish said makes very good sense for older children (maybe at 2-3 when they wean?) but not babies who are very mama centered, just coming from an attachment parenting perspective.

[RaspberryLeaf]

Originally Posted by SilverFish 

well, i personally would be LIVID if my husband told me i wasn't allowed to take MY CHILD out to a party while he was busy.

i can understand a reluctance to be away from your child when you know they're in a new situation, but your husband is your child's parent. why even be with him if you don't trust him to treat your child well when you're not around and respect her feelings about being passed to strangers? i'm sorry, i just can't believe other people are jumping on this like it's a totally reasonable and praiseworthy emotion to not allow the parent of your child to take them out where they want!! it's a party, for heavens sake, not a strip club. he wants to show her off because she's probably really cute and funny and he's really proud of her, not because he thinks she's a puppy!

they're presumably his friends right? he's not just going out on the streets and randomly handing her off... just because YOU don't know them, doesn't mean they're not worth knowing. look, you can say to him, i really want you to be aware of her signals and needs while you're out... if she's upset about someone holding her, please take her back; if she's tired or cranky, please take her home, etc. but that's about all i think you can reasonably say to your adult partner and the parent of your child.  

Fully agree.

I can understand and support that the OP would have anxiety about the situation; but since she was already planning on being away from DD that day (regardless of the reason) I don't think dad should be forced to stay home.  Clearly he spends more than 2 hours with his child.

OP - Have you talked with your DH about your anxieties?  Have you asked him to make sure DD isn't passed about like a cute little puppy?  Hopefully once you have an open conversation with your DH you will feel more comfortable about the situation, and hopefully DH will see your side - maybe he wont go???

Regardless of your decision, I hope it's a good outcome for everyone.

[BabySmurf]

Originally Posted by SilverFish 

well, i personally would be LIVID if my husband told me i wasn't allowed to take MY CHILD out to a party while he was busy.

i can understand a reluctance to be away from your child when you know they're in a new situation, but your husband is your child's parent. why even be with him if you don't trust him to treat your child well when you're not around and respect her feelings about being passed to strangers? i'm sorry, i just can't believe other people are jumping on this like it's a totally reasonable and praiseworthy emotion to not allow the parent of your child to take them out where they want!! it's a party, for heavens sake, not a strip club. he wants to show her off because she's probably really cute and funny and he's really proud of her, not because he thinks she's a puppy!

they're presumably his friends right? he's not just going out on the streets and randomly handing her off... just because YOU don't know them, doesn't mean they're not worth knowing. look, you can say to him, i really want you to be aware of her signals and needs while you're out... if she's upset about someone holding her, please take her back; if she's tired or cranky, please take her home, etc. but that's about all i think you can reasonably say to your adult partner and the parent of your child.  

I can totally see this point of view, but it's really going to depend on your family's dynamic.  I can relate to OP's hesitation in terms of not knowing or being able to anticipate how these external circumstances will be handled by LO if it's a new situation.  I would be scared that LO would get overwhelmed and need me and to nurse and not understand why I wasn't there to comfort him.  My DH is a wonderful Dad, but he doesn't take LO out by himself a lot, so yes it would make me uncomfortable.  If we had been going to cookouts all together and DH was able to handle LO with out having to search me out to help, then maybe I would be more comfortable with it.  For what it's worth, my DH has asked me not to take DS places, and I'm okay with that.  Parenting HAS to come from a place where both of you are able to respect each others comfort levels with things - and not what other people say you should and shouldn't be comfortable with. 

[holothuroidea]

I also disagree with the "MY CHILD" mentality. You can't claim ownership over a person just because you gave birth to them or take care of them, they are their own people the instant they are born and should be respected as such. I would never feel OK with my husband taking me to a party to "show me off." That is completely objectifying, disrespectful and offensive. And yet, some have said they should treat babies that way. It completely boggles me.

[LillianB]

Thank you all for the very helpful range of opinions and experiences -- I appreciate it and reading your responses has really helped me focus on what was bothering me. Now I just need a better idea of how to articulate this concern so that DH understands me.

In the end, I changed my schedule so that I could go to the party with DH and DD. DD was a big hit, which I completely understand because I think she's the most marvelous thing to hit the planet Earth. The problem is that DH assumes that everyone else thinks this, too. If people ask to hold her, he hands her over. I'm ok with that. But he also hands her over to people who don't ask because he thinks it's good for her and thinks that everyone wants to hold her. I know it's not necessarily bad for her, but still gets under my skin. When she's being held by a stranger, she doesn't cry or fuss, she just gets really quiet, still and wide-eyed. Today he handed her to an elderly woman who didn't ask for her but then walked off with her to a different room. I followed her to make sure I was within DD's line of sight and then took her back -- I felt kind of rude doing it, but I had never met this woman before and was extremely uncomfortable. Another woman took the baby out of DH's arms without asking and when she fussed, the woman got huffy. I just don't know how to address that.

What I'm looking for here is some help in explaining why I wouldn't want her handed off to just anyone. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable, but I can't come up with a good explanation of why. (I was so much more inclined to hand her over to the women who asked me if she was ok with going to strangers, if I minded if they held her, if it was ok if they touched her...those people seemed like they got it.) DH doesn't get this, though. I feel like like I need a really cogent argument so that the next time when I'm not there, she doesn't get passed around endlessly.

She's 8 months and I know this period of her life will come to a close pretty soon, but it still rankles me. I would welcome some help thinking this through.

[expat_canuck]

Sounds like it worked out for the best. For what it's worth, it probably won't do your LO any real harm to be passed around at a few parties. It reads to me as if you feel the need to be over cautious with your DD, in part because you feel your Dh isn't being cautious enough. I would guess that if I were in your situation, my real concern wouldn't be about the party, or even DD being passed to people, but about your dh's level of concern for DD's physical and emotional safety being quite different from your own. Or perhaps you two just have really different ideas about how to make sure DD is safest. Or different levels of acceptable risk/ hazard.

You might find the conversation more successful if you frame it more as exploring your differences and trying to locate areas of compromise or areas where you absolutely need to ensure some principles. I would be more open to that conversation, then one in which I felt accused of not keeping DD safe, personally.

[McGucks]

I forgot to mention previously that I find slings to be a marvelous tool for this kind of thing.  People are much less likely to snatch the baby out of your arms if s/he is in a carrier of some sort.  I have had to get pretty aggressive with taking my baby back from strangers (or family) when he started crying because whomever was holding him would say "Oh, I'm a grandma (or whatever)...I know how to settle babies down!" as he continued to cry, not understanding why Mommy wasn't holding him.  I wish I'd known about slings when DS2 was much younger.

"Pass the baby" is not a parlor trick or a party game.  I think it's fine to admire from a distance unless both parents and the baby are fine with passing the baby.  I understand some people love holding other people's babies, but not all babies love being held by all people. 

[holothuroidea]

Ask your DH how he would feel if he was the baby, put into a room full of strange giants and just passed around from one to another without any thought for how he is feeling? Honestly! It rankles you because it is not a nice thing to do to another person! Who want's to be treated that way? 

Once, an elderly lady came up to my 3 year old DD in the farmers market and started stroking her arm saying, "You are such a nice girl. What a nice girl you are." My DD stared at her, wide eyed. I said to the lady, "Excuse me! Would you like it if I came up to you and did that?" She backed away with a look like, "Well, I never!" When she was gone, DD said to me, "Thanks, mommy, that lady scared me." Just because they're not crying doesn't mean they're not scared. You know the difference, too, as you've explained. Sometimes people are very respectful and are genuinely interested in holding the baby if it's OK, and that's fine! When my first was a baby, she loved being held by everyone, she'd be all smiles if someone asked to take her. But I would never let a stranger come up an touch her anymore than I would let a stranger do that to me. 

[BabySmurf]

Originally Posted by LillianB 

What I'm looking for here is some help in explaining why I wouldn't want her handed off to just anyone. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable, but I can't come up with a good explanation of why. (I was so much more inclined to hand her over to the women who asked me if she was ok with going to strangers, if I minded if they held her, if it was ok if they touched her...those people seemed like they got it.) DH doesn't get this, though. I feel like like I need a really cogent argument so that the next time when I'm not there, she doesn't get passed around endlessly.

She's 8 months and I know this period of her life will come to a close pretty soon, but it still rankles me. I would welcome some help thinking this through.

I would start with this idea when talking to your DH, and remind him that it's your job as parents to be discriminating and to make sure that you and your LO are comfortable and on the same page with others around the LO - and this goes for any age.  You probably need to set some "ground rules" and go over your LO's cues before going out places so that you are both on the same page (i.e. even though LO isn't crying, staring with saucer eyes looking for you probably indicates that she isn't happy, and needs to be taken back, etc).  It's important that your DH recognizes those cues and responds to them - and takes them seriously.  It's awesome that your DH is so excited about introducing your LO to people, but like another PP mentioned, it needs to be on terms that your LO is comfortable with, otherwise social situations can become a source of anxiety. 

These things are going to become especially important in the next few weeks as LO hits the real "separation anxiety" place.  For us (DS is just over 9 months old), it was literally like a switch went off, and he realizes that he is not with me or DH, and he goes into total meltdown phase - even when he is within close reach and around people he was previously comfortable with.  The first time my DH saw our DS do this, he was like a deer in headlights, and didn't even move to get DS who was hysterical (I was washing dishes and DH, BIL, and friend were visiting and DS was playing near them, and the "switch" just went off, even though DS is familiar with everyone).

Anyway, I would look for some info on separation anxiety, and why LO's feelings of security are soooo important.  I'll try to find an article or two, but I don't have time now.  HTH!