What to do when you know a mother is marrying a molester!

[what to do]

OK, My stepson molested my daughter.  He was raised by his aunt after his mother abandoned him.  My husband and his sister decided that since she was married that her home would be more stable while my husband got his life together again.  My husband still saw his son every two weeks. That went on from the time his son was six to 15.  My SIL and her husband were splitting up and my husband and I talked it over and decided that his son would live with us.  The week before he was to move in is when we found out what had happened.  My daughter came to us and told us.  He was 15 at the time and she was under 6. He never denied it and we found out that his aunt knew what he was capable of because she knew there had been others. In the state we live it was considered b/t minors. He pled no contest and was put on a sex offenders list for minors and was sent to a therapist .  When he turned 18 he was suppose to be removed from the list.  My husband took the side of our daughter.  He adopted her.  He tried to maintain a little contact with his son, but on the condition that his son would not contact him  at home.  When his son broke that agreement my husband cut off contact.  His son HAD NEVER SHOWED ANY REGRET FOR WHAT HE DID. When it was found out his response was "yes, I did it so what?"

Now his son is 20 years old and lives in another state.  He  is engaged to a women in her thirties with 2 small daughters.  She messaged me about the wedding.  She knows what he did but says that he has changed.  I responded back as diplomatically as I could and informed her about the break in contact with his father.  Her opening response was " well 'he' said that they had no contact at all after his mother came and got him."  I know that to be a lie because every time my husband had contact with him we had to notify the detective handling the case to prove that he was not near our daughter at the time.  There were other things in the answering messages that were also fabrications of his diseased mind.  

Problem 2 This woman told me in the message that my stepson is going to try to adopt her girls after they are married.  My daughter stood against him in court and never faltered because she did not want it to happen to any other kids.  I don't know what to do.  My daughter still experiences night terrors from the trama he caused.  I do NOT want any child to go through that. 

There were other victims but we were the only ones to press charges.

Does any one have any advise on how to handle this?  He was a minor at the conviction. The real problem I am having is that if molesting was not enough to keep him away from  the girls would proving that he lying do any good?

[grumpybear]

Personally, if I were blinded by love, I think that lying would be easier to accept than molestation, ESPECIALLY if I have little girls. Given that his fiance knows about the molestation and still decided to marry him, I don't think any accusation of lying would make her change her mind. Unfortunately, I believe that this is out of your hands.

 

Originally Posted by what to do 

Does any one have any advise on how to handle this?  He was a minor at the conviction. The real problem I am having is that if molesting was not enough to keep him away from  the girls would proving that he lying do any good?

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Wait, so am I to understand the man is no longer a registered sex offender because he is no longer a minor?? :( I'm so sorry for what has happened to your daughter. It is hard to move past childhood trauma of that nature, but I can tell you, it does get better.

I would send the woman a letter explaining what exactly she is getting herself into, marrying this young man, REALLY spell it out in the best and most clear language I have. Leave out of it any name calling, accusations of lying, etc...and basically flat out tell the woman that you are extremely worried that she is putting her two daughters at risk and that the boy never showed any remorse for what he did to a VERY young girl when he was WAY old enough to "know better" - meaning, he wasn't just another six year old playing an inappropriate game, he was a sexual predator who victimized your daughter. Leave diplomacy for another time, this is not a time to mince words...tell her directly what happened. She has to know, you have to tell her to wash your conscience clean.

Then I would wash my hands of it. If he were a registered offender, I'd say call CPS and notify them and make sure this dude was registering properly when he moves to live with her or whatever....but seeing as how he's not registered. I don't know. I absolutely HATE to ever tell someone to call CPS in a situation where there is not actual abuse taking place...but this story is really creeping me out. THese girls are not being looked after properly by their mother and in this circumstance....I may, maybe maybe might....actually...say: Call CPS.

Ugh. THat feels horrible to say. But I have to admit that I might do that in this circumstance. You can't protect these girls, the mother is obviously not going to...maybe they need extra sets of eyes to make sure they aren't victims, too.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

You know, this story creeped me out so much that I actually lay awake in bed last night thinking about it. I'm so worried about these children....I have never called CPS and anyone who reads my post with any regularity around here knows that I am always the one saying "mind your own business" on the "should I call CPS?" threads....but in this case, I really hope you do.

I don't know how else I would proceed. I mean, this mom is HARDCORE out to lunch...I'm just so worried these girls are going to be victimized, if they haven't been already. I just keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, CPS will contact the mother and repeat the concern, make sure that she understands what she's getting herself into....I don't know, maybe it will spook her or spook him or somehow protect these girls.

I really hate to ever involve CPS when there is not actual abuse taking place....but were I in the OPs shoes, I would be on the phone expressing my concern. I'm just SO damn creeped out by this. My skin crawls thinking of these girls being in that situation. :(

OP....what are you thinking of doing?? I can't imagine how upset you must be...if it's keeping ME up at night, you must be beside yourself.

[LROM]

I actually agree with a PP's statement that you should write the woman a letter (email may be better, in case a written letter wouldn't definitely get into her hands).  In it, I would take a somewhat different approach than the PP said.

I would detail the abuse that your daughter suffered.  I would also be clear that no only did yoru stepson admit it (and put his exact reaction"Yeah, I did, so what?"), he never showed remorse.

I would then put a few links to support groups/info pages re: sexual predators, especially if you can find some re: teen predators, including what it takes to really get them to change and what the accepted "success rate" is (which I think is pretty low).

Lastly I would point out to her that from your perspective, she is putting her daughters in great risk of harm, and that you are very worried about it and want to make sure she understands what he did to your daughter.

If he has admitted it in the past and your reason for telling her all this is because of your fear for her girls, I don't think he can take any legal action against you.  He's likely to be incredibly pissed, but hopefully he's not in a position to do much more than be mad and try to lash out by telling other family members.  Keep both printed and email copies of the email if you send it that way.

I think by doing this, and by clearly spelling out what he did to your daughter (because even though she says she knows, who knows whether she knows what he really did or has been fed a very minimized version of it) you are making the best effort you can to spell out for her what she is about to do. 

Beyond that, not much more that you can do as far as I know, unless the horrific day comes when you get info that he's actually hurt someone else. Then you call CPS and the police in a heartbeat if it's from a reliable source.

Best of luck to you...

[mandalamama]

Originally Posted by what to do 

Now his son is 20 years old and lives in another state.  He  is engaged to a women in her thirties with 2 small daughters.  She messaged me about the wedding.  She knows what he did but says that he has changed.  I responded back as diplomatically as I could and informed her about the break in contact with his father.  Her opening response was " well 'he' said that they had no contact at all after his mother came and got him."  I know that to be a lie because every time my husband had contact with him we had to notify the detective handling the case to prove that he was not near our daughter at the time.  There were other things in the answering messages that were also fabrications of his diseased mind.  

Problem 2 This woman told me in the message that my stepson is going to try to adopt her girls after they are married.  My daughter stood against him in court and never faltered because she did not want it to happen to any other kids.  I don't know what to do.  My daughter still experiences night terrors from the trama he caused.  I do NOT want any child to go through that.

if i understand correctly, you're saying the fiance of your stepson is in contact with you? if he has a no-contact agreement with his father, how did she get the info? why did she start sharing anything other than the wedding info?

as long as she knows what happened, it's up to her what to do about it. if she's in the same CPS area that you are, calling them *might* trigger an interview, but abusers seem to know how to manipulate those things pretty well. if she's telling you things such as he plans to adopt her girls, she knows what he did but he's changed, etc. then perhaps you can keep in contact and watch for danger, then call CPS with more information.

[AbbieB]

I am really not sure what you can do, short of making up an accusation and calling CPS or the police.

I have a friend that was a victim of abuse as a preteen and then as a 15 year old was caught doing something inappropriate with another boy and has been down a long road to recovery. I do not believe there was ever any police involvement.

His ex wife made his life a living hell by every few months calling the cops on him. She made wild accusations about child pornography and abuse, with absolutely no proof and no way of having proof since she lived 500 miles away. The cops still regularly showed up at his house and confiscated computers, even his new wife's, despite being well aware of the situation and the fact that there was never any evidence found. He would get his computers back and the whole thing would repeat in a month or 2.

My point is that the police take this stuff pretty seriously.

I am very concerned that your step son, someone who has shown no regret or remorse for his actions, someone who has seemingly gotten totally away with it with no lasting consequences, is now marring a women with 2 little girls. I do not know many 20 year olds that are interested in taking on someone else's kids like that. (No offense to anybody that has.) All I can see is someone that is setting up a nice little situation for years of easy access to his preferred victim. I really hope I am wrong.

I think you need to listen to your gut on this and do what you can to protect those 2 little girls. A letter to the mother laying out the truth, perhaps with information directing her to the original case, is a great place to start. After that, I see no reason why you could not contact their local police and ask them what you can do. I think your word, as his step mother and mother of his documented victim would have some credibility. Maybe the police will even make contact and talk to the mother. I don't think law enforcement have a lot of tolerance for child molesters. Maybe he is even still on the sex offender list or has been flagged somehow, giving the police some power.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position.

[isisreturning]

PPs have made a lot of good suggestions. I would also add:

Since she seems firm on her decision to marry him, it might work to just offer some basic safety planning tips. You could frame it as "you believe he's changed - and I do hope he has - but from one mom to another, just consider never leaving him alone with the girls, if you can help it. And, since there may be other people in your girls' lives who could abuse them, it's always a good idea to review basic safety tips with your children. For example: talk to your girls about ok touch/not okay touch, teach your girls that they have a right to refuse anybody touching their body, and help them practice saying it: "Stop, I don't like what you're doing." and "It's not okay to do that." Encourage your girls to seek help from a grown-up if something is happening that they don't feel good about. Encourage them to keep asking for help until they get the help they need. Let your girls know that they can always talk to you about anything uncomfortable that happens, and you will work with them to find a solution that they feel good about."

She may feel less defensive about those ideas... maybe... and if she implements them, it may really be a protective factor for her daughters. 

Hugs. Sorry. That's a tough situation.