Helping an Aspie parent and dealing with an ASD child - help!

[beachcomber]

We're fairly certain my husband has Asperger's. He fits all the criteria, has all the tendencies, behaviors, avoidances, etc., etc. He's learned to function quite well in the workplace but we at home often pay the price in less tolerance and so on. I can deal with that. Actually, figuring out he is Aspie (after DD was Dx'ed I started researching it because i could see a lot of him in the checklists, etc.) has helped me tremendously! But that's another thread.

What I need advice or guidance with right now is helping him deal with some of her negative behavior. He takes some things she says VERY personally. She's having a tantrum. It's NOT personal. But he just can't process that. The emotional reaction to her words is almost overpowering for him. It takes him a long time to process conflicts at the best of times, but I've begun noticing that he's having a harder and harder time dealing with some of what DD directs at him.

Tonight, for example.

DD had a challenging day today. Her level of cope was just lower than normal. As we're getting dinner on the table, it's her job to pick out plates and cutlery for her and her little brother. She takes her job very seriously. No matter what, she insists her little brother make his choice. Sometimes, if he's tired, he just doesn't care but she can't let that go and decide for him. He HAS to choose. This is just how she's wired. DH was trying to rush her to the plates choice so he could put their dinners out to cool off a bit. She burst out with "I hate you!" which stunned all of us, but he really took it personally, then got all mad at us grown ups for bringing the word hate into the house. Like he's never said it. Pfft. Odds are she heard it at preschool where every little kid for the last year has hated some aspect of some thing at some point of the class. It's just what kids do at 3-5.

His reaction though. Wow. Deflated, unable to talk for the first half of the meal. Totally stricken. How do I help him???

[Linda on the move]

I'm pretty sure my DH is somewhere on the spectrum, too. He is VERY smart and successful, and has learned to "act social" when he needs to for his job. But sometimes it seems like just an act, and by the time he gets home he is really shot, exhausted, and just can't try any more.

I know he loves me and the kids, and in some ways I think he values our life together more than a lot of men value their families. He really never took it for granted that he would have a wife and kids to come home to. Looking at some of his strengths helps me deal with some of his weaknesses.

We've spent time in marriage counseling and it's really helped us learn to deal with each other on the day to day stuff. But he also has his little tifs. This sentence:

"Deflated, unable to talk for the first half of the meal. Totally stricken."

is still something that happens from time to time. At this point, I just don't jump in there with him. I don't try to help him with it. He's a grown up, he can learn to cope. And my experience is that me trying to "fix" my DH isn't helpful to him. It puts me in charge of his happiness and I CAN NOT make him happy (I've tried). I am in charge of my happiness, and when he loses his center, my most important job is just staying in my center. 

We have a TV and DVD and lap top in our bedroom, and DH sometimes spends a chunk of the evening in there alone. And I let him.

When he gets his down time and a chance to process, he's much better able to spend some time really involved with me and the kids. He later admits that he was in a bad mood and is able to move forward.

I'm sorry that I don't have something more up beat to say. I don't know how to fix the problem, except to pretty much ignore it and focus on his many strengths.

[beachcomber]

Linda, we've got carbon copies of the same man. Mine is prone to hiding out in his basement office doing work or composing music. I go to lengths to ensure he gets taht alone/creative time. He trained as a fine artist and transferred that ability to be a self-starter and independent learner into computer work. I'm in awe of his problem solving and intelligence, actually. It amazes me that *he* doesn't think he's particularly smart.

I hear you on giving him space. I've learned to do that, as well. It just hurts me to see him hurting. DD has said a few things - unintentionally - that have just cut him to the quick and it takes him an awful lot longer than most to get over stuff like that. If someone he loves says something negative about him or criticizes him, he takes it right to heart and *believes* it. Hard to overcome that!

[Ettina]

I am high functioning autistic. I'm not a parent, but I have worked with kids and even knowing they didn't mean it I found it really stung when a child who was upset would say they hated me. I suspect it would feel worse if it was my own child. I think that's part of literalism - for example if you say something is getting under your skin, even though I know it's not meant literally I still automatically imagine it literally digging into your skin and it freaks me out.

Does your husband know you think he's on the spectrum? Perhaps you could draw parallels between his behavior and your daughter's, to help him understand what's going on in her head when she says stuff like that. Does he ever say hurtful things he doesn't really mean? If so he could relate to her saying it.

Also, I'd ask your daughter, once she's calmed down, to think about what she said and consider apologizing and letting him know that it's not true.