DH keeps sabotaging us! VENT

[Caitlin0919]

First, some background: So things have been a little tight financially for the last 9 months or so, ever since DH started his new job as a liquor salesmen for a liquor distributor. We've been able to make ends meet and get all our bills paid and still be able to afford groceries and gas money(DH travels for his job) The only thing is we rarely have anything extra left over after all of that. DH works 100% on commission so we never know exactly what his paychecks are going to be each time, but they're usually around $1500. His last few have been a little short, but it's summer and there's been a lot of flooding up here so some of his accounts haven't been buying as much or they've been closed due to flood damage. I can't complain about how much money he makes because he works his @ss off to make as much as possible, but if people don't want/need to buy anything from him, they're just not going to. His last paycheck was the lowest one he's had since he started his job, so things have been REALLY tight the last 2 weeks. Luckily, I just started working again so we have a little extra income. Unfortunately, we now have some extra expenses since DD will be starting pre-school part time next week. My paychecks will cover pre-school no problem with a little left over, but it'll probably still be a little tight.

Anyway, DH got paid today and he has direct deposit so his check is in our account by like 1AM or something. He also has it set up so 10% of his check gets put into a savings account. His check this time was about $1200, which is a little smaller than we'd like but what can you do? DH is out of town this weekend for a monthly sales meeting. Of course, he went out Thursday night with my dad and brother and some friends. He texted me at the end of the night that he had spent $150! Then he said he was sorry. Ugh!

It wouldn't be so bad if all we had to pay after bills was groceries and gas. My boss gave me $225 in gift cards to the local grocery store to thank me for helping get our store ready to open so we didn't have to worry about grocery money and we should still be okay to buy groceries, but we have a few other expenses we have to worry about this time around and I'm pissed that DH spent that much.

First, we owe his sister $117 for watching DD while I was working. She was getting shorted on hours at her job and she's getting married Oct. 1st so she's been trying to find another job to help pay for her wedding. DH made a deal with her(without talking to me about it first) that we would pay her $1 more per hour than she gets paid at her job to watch DD while I work. Well, SIL gets paid $8/hour at her job so DH promised her $9/hour. Guess what I make at my job? $9/hour. We only used SIL 3 times while I was working, but that's still a lot of money. Second, DD starts pre-school on Tuesday and the teacher requires that we pay at least 2 weeks in advance so we'll have to pay her $220 by Tuesday or DD won't be able to start. Third, we have an appointment with our midwife next Friday and we have to pay her $200. Luckily, the $200 for the midwife is already in savings thanks to DH's 10% deposit and another deposit we made earlier in the month. Lastly, we're buying my boss' mini-van so I can have my own vehicle to get to work and to get to births(I'm in the process of getting certified as a doula). She's only charging us $2000 for it and is letting us make monthly payments, which is awesome, but we still have to add it to our insurance which means that bill will go up.

I'm just so frustrated because he does this ALL. THE. TIME. He always apologizes and feels really guilty afterward but he's also the one who gets really upset if we can't afford to do things we want because we don't have the money. I've already had to open a 2nd checking account that DH doesn't have access to just for paying bills. Every time DH gets paid, I transfer over all the money we'll need to cover all the bills that are due before his next paycheck. That way DH  can't spend it or transfer it or anything. He doesn't really like the fact that he's not allowed access to some of our money, but I had to do something to keep us from being late on bills and rent and it's worked really well. But I still have to worry about him when he's not at home. He doesn't go out at all when he's at home, mostly because we can't afford it but also because he gets free liquor and stuff from his job so he really doesn't need to spend money on it at a bar when he can just mix a cocktail for himself at home. It's these monthly sales meetings that get us in trouble. I've tried talking to him about it, but he never wants to talk about it and he complains that it's HIS money and he should be able to spend HIS money the way HE wants to(I just started working this month, so he's been the sole bread-winner). I've suggested that he just get some cash at the beginning of the night so that way he only has so much money and can't overspend like he does when he goes out with his debit card. He actually tried it once and it worked out great. He still had a good time and was able to have plenty to drink, but for some reason he refuses to try it again. The only thing I can think of is transferring everything except maybe $30 or $40 over to the other checking account when he goes out, but I know he'll hate that idea and feel like he's being treated like a baby.

This has been an issue with him for YEARS and though I will admit he's gotten better(he used to go out several times a week), it's still not great and with a second child on the way, I'm really worried we won't  be able to afford it. My insurance doesn't cover my midwife at all so we have to pay her out of pocket(still cheaper that what we would pay out of pocket to the hospital, though). She's willing to work with us, but I'd like to get her some money at each appointment just as a sign of good faith and so she knows she'll get paid in full eventually, but I'm starting to get stressed out. Sorry if this got long, I just needed to get it out before DH gets home tonight so I don't completely blow up at him. He knows what he did and that the situation we're in is 100% his fault so yelling and screaming aren't going to help anything. I think what I'm going to do is just tell him that next time, I'm going to transfer everything except the $30 or $40 and he'll just have to deal with that. He's proved time and again that he can't be responsible with money, especially when alcohol is involved, and I can't handle him screwing us over anymore.

[34me]

I'm sorry.  That's really hard.  My dh is also horrible with money.  Luckily he seems to be ok living on an allowance.  I give him a set amount of cash (or sometimes more if he's worked OT) every two weeks on pay day and it covers gas and incidentals of his choosing.  I cover all family entertainment and expenses.

[CarrieMF]

It sounds like the 2 of you are not on the same page about what to do with your income.

Make sure he is keeping all his receipts from the gas for travelling & anything on these sales meetings, they're business expenses on your taxes unless the company reimburses part of it.

Spending $150 it sounds like he paid for the other people there.

[Caitlin0919]

He always buys other people drinks. That's how he ends up spending so much. And he wrote checks that we can write off at tax time as "entertainment" expenses from his job, but that's not helping me right now. The sad part is that even with that extra $150, we'd still be in trouble, just not as much. I'm just going to tell him that he needs to figure out how he's going to get money for gas for the next two weeks and if that means borrowing from his parents, then that's what he's going to have to do. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.  If he has to explain to his sister that she has to wait 2 more weeks for her money, then that's on him. He can explain to his family why we're in this mess and why we need their help and why we can't follow through with paying his sister for baby-sitting. My boss still owes me a little money from my last paycheck(her partner who handles all the "business" had me at the wrong pay rate) so if she wants some money up front, I'll just tell her to use that toward the van until DH and I get paid again. We'll have to figure out what to do about groceries but we'll manage I'm sure. We've been in worse situations where we couldn't afford to pay rent or electricity and at least all of that is 100% taken care of.

[APToddlerMama]

The whole "its my money" thing wouldn't fly here.  DH used to spend incredible amounts of money that we didn't have.  What worked was sitting down and creating a budget together that we both agreed on, with a certain amount of cash each month for each of us that we could do whatever we wanted with without having to discuss with the other one.  Even if you aren't going to share money, I think you can still do this.  Personally I would tell him I expected him to *pay* me for watching our kids if he was playing the "its my money" game, but that is just me.  I'd also expect him to pay me for keeping the house clean, cooking, doing laundry, and whatever else you're doing.  Regardless, if you aren't able to share your money, you can still agree on a set amount of "entertainment" money each month.  I have friends who do envelopes...one for groceries, one for electric bills, one for entertainment, etc.  We never did that, but on the first of every month, I'd go to the bank, take out X in cash for each of us, and that was it for the month.  Everything else went on credit (which we paid each month and I monitored like a hawk) or debit cards so we'd know how much of the cash we'd spent and had left.  Also, I would suggest to him that if he shouldn't bring a credit card or anything more than a certain amount in cash when he goes out.  It is easy to start drinking and spend way too much.  If you only have $20 or something, you can't spend $150.  good luck

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Caitlin0919 

The only thing I can think of is transferring everything except maybe $30 or $40 over to the other checking account when he goes out, but I know he'll hate that idea and feel like he's being treated like a baby.

He's acting like a baby, so why wouldn't you treat him like one?  Dropping a ton of cash at the bars pretending like he's some sort of wealthy businessman when in reality he doesn't have the money to pay the bills at home is pretty irresponsible.  I'd ask him what he'd like the solution to this huge problem to be and have him make some suggestions...  Maybe he can come up with a good way to quit doing this on his own. 

[eirual]

Why go out and spend so much on something he gets for FREE at home?? Could you guys host more events? Get him a flask to take out with him (totally not legal, but that was my frugal move through college- still get to go out for substantially less moola).

[CarrieMF]

Since he has these monthly meetings I"d start setting aside some money each paycheck to go towards them.  On the months he has a higher cheque then I'd put more away too.

[hopefulfaith]

My dh travels a fair amount, and I needed to know that I could plan on being able to pay the bills, etc., from our "family" money.

What worked for me was us going down to the credit union and establishing an entirely separate account for him (with me on there for emergencies) that he can spend as he needs/pleases.  I have money transferred automatically from every paycheck into that account and he can spend/save as he needs to with it.

I don't even want to know that he's spending it all on convenience store iced tea this summer - it would only stress me out ;) -- but it also frees me from being in the "mom role" when it comes to money in our marriage and it gives him some autonomy when he's out and about and not having to text me for every dime he spends and such.  The only money that goes in there is money that is acceptable to take from our budget for him to spend.

He doesn't spend from our "family account" very often - and when he does, he will always ask me what's in it, do we have enough for him to buy another pair of jeans, for example - and I can say yes or no, and we are still able to pay our bills.  Being financially solvent as a family was our first priority - this measure of relative independence really helped our marriage, though.  Good luck!!!

[diana_of_the_dunes]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

The whole "its my money" thing wouldn't fly here.  DH used to spend incredible amounts of money that we didn't have.  What worked was sitting down and creating a budget together that we both agreed on, with a certain amount of cash each month for each of us that we could do whatever we wanted with without having to discuss with the other one.  Even if you aren't going to share money, I think you can still do this.  Personally I would tell him I expected him to *pay* me for watching our kids if he was playing the "its my money" game, but that is just me.  I'd also expect him to pay me for keeping the house clean, cooking, doing laundry, and whatever else you're doing.  Regardless, if you aren't able to share your money, you can still agree on a set amount of "entertainment" money each month.  I have friends who do envelopes...one for groceries, one for electric bills, one for entertainment, etc.  We never did that, but on the first of every month, I'd go to the bank, take out X in cash for each of us, and that was it for the month.  Everything else went on credit (which we paid each month and I monitored like a hawk) or debit cards so we'd know how much of the cash we'd spent and had left.  Also, I would suggest to him that if he shouldn't bring a credit card or anything more than a certain amount in cash when he goes out.  It is easy to start drinking and spend way too much.  If you only have $20 or something, you can't spend $150.  good luck

I also like the idea of putting his "blow money" into the account he has access to and the rest of the money in a separate account until he's ready to handle it appropriately.  Obviously, this should happen with lots of discussion, brainstorming, etc, but the idea that it's all "his" money to do what he wants with...  That's bull.  He's working to support his family, so the money is family money.  Just because you don't get paid to be a SAHM doesn't mean that your contribution to the family is worthless!  Maybe you could write up a list of everything you do and how much it would cost to pay someone else to do it so that he understands the financial worth of your at-home work?

[peaceful_mama]

I'm stealing the idea of writing a list of what I do and what it would cost to pay somebody else.