High Needs Toddler support thread - Page 3

[luckiest]

Thank you for the support! I'm very happy to report that these last two days have been great. I think being back in a routine is helping, and so is the over-the-top amount of attention he's getting with potty training (he's been using the potty part time for months, we're just trying to make the final push). He's slept better, he's more calm, and I actually don't think we've had any conflict today at all.

DH is leaving on a long (10 day) overseas trip next week, so other than a little help from my mom I'll be flying solo...let's just all hope that this peace holds!

[Skippy918]

I am glad I found this thread. DD is 14 months and I would classify her as high needs. She was colicky for 4 months and then she got better, but lately she's just fussy all the time. I am at a loss of what to do to make her happy. At daycare she's happy all day. As soon as we get home the fussing starts. Even after I nurse her she still fusses. I try to give her attention but I also hate like I'm neglecting DS. Anyway, just wanted to commiserate with y'all.

[maman08]

Is this thread still active? I found it through Google searching and am hoping some of you are still around. My two year-old son Nathaniel (second of three boys) is definitely what I would call high need, he was colicky as a baby and now as a toddler is no less intense. I also have a four year-old and a two month-old, both of whom are much more easygoing although the four year-old has some of the "high need" characteristics as well. I don't know anyone else where I live who has a high need child, and could really use some support and advice on how to deal with my son in a loving way while keeping at least a shred of my sanity intact...

[Rustyleaf]

Also in need of support as no one believes me about any of my daughter's high needs or they blame my parenting!  We are in a low point right now, as she is 20 months old.  I always stayed optimistic that things would slowly get better, but they are worse than ever!  I actually develop migraines and nausea because she screams so many hours of the day.  I finally broke down and called in for an Early Intervention evaluation.  I was interviewed on the phone and they assessed that they should send an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, a nutritionist and a social worker to our home to assess her.  My question to the moms is... what happens to "high needs" when they get older?  Does is fizzle out or does it get diagnosed as some disorder?  Dr. Sears only addresses the infant aspect of high needs, and then he skips forward and praises his grown daughter Hayden for being remarkable now.  But how do you handle age 2-20?  And what if "high needs" is really just a precursor for ADHD or SPD or something similar?

My daughter's needs and demands are so high they literally cannot be met by just her mother.  She requires at least 2 or more people around to bounce her energy off of.  She is miserable with mom all day but thrilled around the large, extended family.  I feel like there is nothing I can do to make this kid happy and am so far BEYOND mother burnout, it's just laughable.  I am just an empty shell of a person, going through the motions to keep my child alive, as I can't seem to accomplish anything else because she is so resistant and exhausting 24/7.

I am reading about Sensory Processing Disorder, specifically the sub-type "Sensory Seeking/ Craving" and it sounds so much like her high needs.  I am hoping an occupational therapist can help her get a handle on some of her feelings and actions, because a lot of the time she just seems unhappy!

http://www.spdfoundation.net/

[Tattooed Hand]

hello ladies, it's been a while.

My DD is now 2 years and 8 months old and I want to say that we have come a LONG LONG way. She was very colicky as an infant and a horrible, horrible sleeper (at one point she was waking up every hour, all night long, for a few months there). For various reasons (ezcema, being very very jumpy) we first thought she had allergies, then leaky gut, and then we didn't know what. She refused to take a bottle or a paci. I was practically starving on a really restricted diet while breastfeeding for 2.5 years, she was on a really restricted diet, etc. There was talk of occupational therapy, etc. I have to be honest it was a real nightmare.

But in the last few months things have gotten alot easier. The first thing is that we started to send her to a home daycare for a few hours every day. It's with 4 other kids (although they have activities with a larger group 3 days a week) and she absolutely loves it. It gives us a break and structures her day and is a huge outlet for energy and stimulation. One mama just cannot provide everything for a high needs toddler.

We normalized both our diets, I finally weaned (an epic process that took 3.5 months) and she started to sleep through the night. (I honestly don't know if she just grew out of whatever the problem was or that maybe there was no problem it was just part of being high needs).

And the insane meltdowns have mellowed WAY way down. I think honestly it was a combination of her being able to talk and understand more, and us being very patient and respectful and trying to explain things to her. I think this has been key. As a baby, unless she knew, understood and liked something, she resisted and fought it with everything she had. Now that we can talk to her about things, even if in that moment she resists, if we explain why something has to happen, she is much more likely to go along with it if we remind her of the reason. It's like it all makes sense and she likes to be part of things. We also find that validating her feelings has made her more amenable to accepting that some things just cannot happen and calming her down much faster.

She is still very intense and high needs, but I no longer feel like I am drowning for the first time. And I am able to appreciate how smart, funny and sensitive she is. I hope this gives mamas with younger kids who are having a hard time some hope.

[luckiest]

Rustyleaf - the book Raising Your Spirited Child is what you need. It covers the 2-20 There is a bit of a gap still, as her advice is mostly for school-aged or older toddlers, and the pre/limitedly verbal young toddlers aren't really addressed by TFBB or RYSC. Both are still indispensably valuable books. I found RYSC to be even more helpful and enlightening than the Sears book.

[izzybizzysmom]

I hope this thread is still alive because I'm SO happy to have found this. My dd will be 2 in a couple weeks and she's high needs to the t! My most recent struggle has been that I just recently went back to work part time. Thankfully my employers are super lenient and know that I have a toddler at home so I can come in any day and anytime I want. To them any help at all is great.

Well I was going in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 9-1. This was working great! I was only gone for a few hours and she'd get to spend time with her Auntie (my SIL whom she loves) and Nana (my mom who she also loves) on Fridays. Only now she's caught on that it's a regular thing and she's not going for it anymore. It's so bad that the days I have off, she'll freak out if I leave the room, thinking I've left for work. And if someone comes over to visit she frantically will say "down....milk...?", meaning she wants to go to her safe haven (our bed) and nurse. It breaks my heart. And the days that my SIL comes over to watch her it's getting harder and harder to sneak off b/c she's attached to my legs. Once I'm gone she's totally fine and doesn't cry. But I know I can't leave her while she's watching or she'd object and probably freak out. Anyone deal with this before? I don't know what to do. :/

[lalemma]

Mamas, this thread popped up in my google search, so I'm bumping it.

I have a young three-year-old boy. He is really sweet and funny and weird and wonderful, but he is also spirited/high-needs/whatever the cool kids are calling it these days. I could use some tips, or even just some "I hear you" support. I mostly SAH/WAH with him, although he goes to hippie preschool three times a week, and my husband is working long hours right now, so four days a week, it's the two of us. And it is really hard for me to admit this, but oh God, I can barely cope sometimes.

My main thing is how much he needs to be engaged with CONSTANTLY. I certainly don't expect him to play by himself all day, but I am a bit of an introvert, and he is highly, highly verbal, and he just wants to talk and interact constantly, whereas, to be a good mama, I really need to be able to dip into my own quiet headspace a couple of times a day for 30 minutes. I find this really hard. You'd think that going for a walk or something would be a good thing to do, but instead it's all about how we have to stop and discuss a rock he found and how rain works and what do you think that mail carrier's name is.

I mean, I am not so much of an introvert that I don't like to be social. I do. And I like talking to my little boy. It's just that, even with adults, being forced to socialize all day is basically my nightmare. I need to be quiet here and there for basic sanity. And since he quit napping, it's just constant conversation (and not conversation I can ignore, he isn't just rattling on, he demands responses) from 7 to 7.

To get anything done (loading the dishwasher, starting dinner, or just being in my own head for 10 minutes so I can stay sane) I have to resort to letting him watch TV. Watching any TV at all is not my ideal, so I feel pretty bad about this. I would love to be able to say "Okay, I have to start dinner. Why don't you play with Legos and occasionally check in with me?" but the reality is more like me trying to go into the kitchen and him standing at the gate and breaking out the epic lamentations, and throwing things into the kitchen, and trying to start conversations, and so on and so forth, until I turn on some Dinosaur Train.

We did/do the whole AP enchilada with this kidlet. He just moved to his own room, he still nurses, he eats a totally whole-foods diet, he goes to a hippie preschool a couple of times a week, we do Hand-in-Hand/NVC communicating with each other. And aside from the constant conversation-having, I feel like our communication is actually really solid. So I don't think there's a whole lot I could realistically change that would improve things. This is just who he is, and my mother and mother-in-law say that this is basically how my husband and I were, too. So I'm guessing it's genetic and it's our comeuppance... sigh.

Anyway, I doubt there are solutions. But I really want to be able to more consistently stay in an emotional place where I feel cheerful about interacting with him. Instead of that feeling of dread and boredom, which I feel so ashamed to have, ugh. So maybe there are some been-there parents in here who know what I'm talking about? Even just knowing that other people get what this is would help.

[crunchy_mommy]

Lalemma, I wish I had advice for you but all I can really offer is commiseration. It is insanely hard not being able to escape to your own head for a few minutes here & there! We also have been doing way more TV than I'd like lately (my ideal being NONE)... it's not the end of the world & I remind myself *I* need it for *my* sanity, and still try to use it sparingly. Playdates have become my saving grace because he's finally at the point where he'll go off & play with another kid for a bit. I don't get quiet but at least I get adult conversation which is... quieter. He also loves listening to music & audiobooks so I use those sometimes instead of TV. I do make rules about random things... like no stories in the car because it distracts me from driving, or I will tell him DH & I need to talk for 5mins so he needs to listen quietly or go play elsewhere, or I will tell him I need a break and that I'm not going to talk to him for a couple minutes. The more I do it consistently, without giving in (and make sure to follow up with any extra attention etc. that I've promised) the more he is able to spend a couple of minutes unengaged... but I'm talking in minutes, not 1/2 an hour or anything, though every little bit helps.

[newmamalizzy]

Ooh, I'm right there, too.  Introvert, constantly talking child, the whole enchillada.  We've implemented a solid quiet rest time routine that really helps save my sanity.  First we snuggle up in the bedroom, and do individual quiet reading time.  I started this with five minutes, and I still SAY it's five minutes, but nowadays she's so used to it that she'll sit and read her books to herself for 15 - 20 minutes while I read, too.  The trick to this was doing things exactly the same way every time so it just became the norm.  Then I read to her for 30 - 40 minutes, and then I snuggle her up on the couch with a show for about 45 minutes. (This is generally the only TV time she gets, unless I'm having a REALLY bad/busy day, so I don't really feel bad about it.)  I use her show time to relax a bit, cook lunch, and prep some stuff for supper. 

My other sanity saver is this stupid kids' songs tape that I had when I was little.  This tape is....wow.  It's awful.  But if I put it on during DD's afternoon snack, she'll sit there and eat and raptly listen to the darned thing for a loooooong time without trying to talk to me.  And, as an added bonus, she can sing about ridiculous things like "How can he maaaaarry without any wife???" She really likes the Grover CD from Sesame Street Old School, and Gift of the Tortoise by Ladysmith Black Mambazo, too.

There are still many days where at some point I literally beg her to stop talking for just TWO MINUTES, pleeeease!  Is your little one a why-monster, too?
 

[luckiest]

Another introvert over here!  DS is only just starting to use words (at 24 months), but while I can't understand what he's saying, I hear his voice non-stop, morning to night.  If he's awake, he's babbling.  He also needs constant engagement and interaction.  If I so much as sit down to pee, he's right there pulling my hand, wanting me to play with him.  His biggest spirited trait is being high energy and physical, so all day he's climbing, jumping, running, and several times a day I feel like he has a near death experience.  I think most parents would be horrified to see how much 'dangerous' stuff I let him do, just because it would be futile to try to stop him from balancing on the arm of the couch or climbing on the kitchen counters.

He's acting like he wants to drop his nap, and the idea positively terrifies me.  Alone time is not a luxury for me; I need it to function.  We'll have to figure out a new system (regular childcare, if we can figure out how to afford it) if it turns out that he's dropping it for good.

We were using the TV quite a bit to get stuff done, but it became super problematic and we had to drop it altogether.  I wish that I could dole out the TV 20 minutes at a time so I could finish a task, but he asks for more and more and it becomes such a battleground (and stalling tactic at bedtime) that we had to remove it entirely.  I was expecting to be frazzled and exhausted and not get anything done (well, you know, except for parenting a child!), but I was very pleased to see that our lives are actually easier without it.  I think he must just be especially sensitive to the heightened sensory input, even though we chose "quiet" shows.  I think he up-regulated his sensory input and real life is comparatively boring, so he needs even more input from ME when it's not on.  Or he gets used to being passively entertained...or both.  Without it, he's much more likely to play by himself, actually play with his toys instead of following me around, and amazingly, he even nurses less...!  

I feel like sometimes when I talk about DS's temperament, I give off the impression that because he's exhausting and difficult to parent, he's somehow a "bad" kid.  Anyone else?  I feel like I have to emphasize that just because he is insistent and extreme (both ways - happy and angry) and energetic, that doesn't mean he's out of control or a bully or mean.  I don't know, I guess it just seems like a lot of people categorize kids into either "good" or "bad" with "good" equating to calm, quiet, obedient kids, and "bad" being...anything else.  

[Serenyd]

What did your high needs toddler do when you had another baby and they weren't the center of attention anymore? TTC #4 and a bit worried about having a newborn around my DD. 

[sk8boarder15]

Hey all, I just need to come vent since I thought we were mostly out of these woods but it seems we are right back in there. My DS was a VERY high needs infant, he slept terribly, was always gassy, and just miserable unless he was nursing, asleep, or bouncing. One he turned 1 and slowed down nursing we learned (the hard way) that he was allergic to dairy. Eliminating that from his diet helped A LOT. But we also eventualy eliminated gluten and he was much happier. By 2 he was pretty happy and laid back and had a good routine and life was a bit easier, but now he's been a wreck. We can't really go anywhere with out him, running away, screaming, crying, fighting us (when we stop him from breaking things etc...). I try to give him freedom at home, but when we go out he just can't handle having to sit in one spot (even with lots of snacks, toys, and our attention). 
 

My sisters birthday dinner was miserable becuase he was suck a wreck the whole time. He just threw a fit this morning. It seems we are having 1 MAJOR tantrum nearly everyday. I mean inconsolble screaming and crying that just breaks my heart. His schedual is kind of messed up due to the holidays and I suspect that is playing a role. He is still sleeping a lot, just going to bed later and getting up later. Most days he naps 1-2 hours in addition to at least 10 hours of sleep a night (last night was 12 hours!). He eats pretty well, and is a smart kid. Hes just so unhappy again lately and mostly over things that just aren't going to change.... 

If anyone has any tips for helping a 27 month old (who is smart and very good at communicating normally) calm down from a tantrum that would really help me. I found that looking at pictures really helps sometimes. looking at pictures of family seems to really comfort him. 

[pickle18]

sk8boarder15 - the pictures of family is a good idea.  I need to try that.  I absolutely feel ya on the cyclical nature of things.  DS had always been extremely high-needs/spirited - textbook in every way - persistent, intense, high energy, daredevil, chatterbox (verbally precocious), super perceptive, sensitive, hard time with transitions, on and on.  BUT the past few months (~16-19 months?) he seemed to level out a bit.  He would let me take a shower without screaming bloody murder for the first time in his entire life!  He'd just get in with me and talk or play with his toys in the hall right outside the bathroom or drive trucks on the toilet lid. He seemed to roll with transitions a bit more smoothly.  He would still have tantrums when I had to tell him no (however sensitively done, and no's are limited) - but he seemed to figure out on his own that he needed space to calm himself.  He started simply running in to the other room to privately have a fit.  I would check in and if he wasn't ready he would yell at me - so I'd tell him I understood he was upset, that I loved him and I'd wait until he was ready and leave him alone (he'd always come running back to nurse when calm).

I figured it was him growing up, having an easier time expressing himself (having accrued about 300 words to his vocabulary).  Well, now we are in an entirely different ballgame.  He was always an avid nurser, but now it's almost non-stop.  He still uses the same techniques to calm himself, but tantrums are waaaay more frequent (many times per day).  He will not, under any circumstances, tolerate me taking a shower for 5 minutes (he screams, cries, alternates between angry demands and heartbreaking pleading and sobbing).   Bathroom breaks are equally offensive.

And he's just so MOODY - like, pre-teen girl hormonal moody.  He loves me, he hates me.  He needs me desperately, he can't stand me.  Giant mood swings in mere minutes.  He sulks, he pouts, he grumbles, he glowers.  Everything is the.worst.thing.ever.  The sky is falling, Chicken Little.  Of course, he is still also often intensely happy and playful - but this moody, sullen thing has knocked me completely for a loop!   I'm used to the angry-happy shift, not so much this...

Bedtime takes about 2 hours per night.  Still nursing all night.  Perma-nursing from dawn to wake-up, flipping and flopping like a fish.  Oh, and yes, we use far too much TV - need to cut that out, but not sure I'm up for wrapping my brain around that, as I'm a bit exhausted right now! (all of this said, I totally get wanting to avoid the "bad kid" thing, whoever mentioned that - I do understand it, and I want to avoid it, as well.  I try to use the terms that put a positive spin on it - spirited, adventurous, creative, expressive, strong leader, sensitive/empathetic - I *ADORE* my child, he is amazing and full of awesome - just sometimes the awesome is hard to keep up with! ) 

[newmamalizzy]

Argh, I've just got to chime in here with a vent today, too.  My DD has just this past week reached a level of awful I didn't think possible.  She's like a verbal colicky newborn.  Screaming and crying about every transition, every "no" (and yes, I avoid using that word, but she knows when she's being denied), every time something is disappointing or sad or not as planned - even if the thing doesn't even have anything to do with her!  (The turkeys in the freezer thawed out!  Auuuuuggghhhhhh!)  I am hoping and praying that this is not a new developmental stage, but quotes from "Your 2 Year Old" are constantly popping into my head.  Rigid.  Inflexible.  Indecisive.  The 2 and a half year old angst.  BUT - she was sick with a bad cold starting on Christmas Eve, AND we traveled to my in-laws for the holidays and had a terrible visit with too much stimulation, lousy food, inappropriate behavior from the relatives, and poor sleeping accommodations.  So.....oh, I hope she'll snap out of it. 

BUT, I'd also love some more ideas for dealing with all this screaming.  We were getting by fine with empathy and hugs, but this is too much.  I've had to set limits about how much she can scream in the public areas of the house, and if she can't calm down I take her to the bedroom with me.  And if she's hurting my ears too much to hold her, I tell her I can hug her again when her voice is quieter.  I just wish I could prevent all the screaming in the first place.  She seems so volatile and unpredictable, and all my usual tricks aren't helping her :(
 

[crunchy_mommy]

newmamalizzy -- did you bring her to the doctor? have you tried giving her ibuprofen or tylenol? perhaps she has an ear infection? just wondering since she was just recently sick... often i find DS is suddenly worse/screamy/etc. when he has an ear infection or still hasn't recovered from a virus (even though he otherwise may not seem sick).

hugs, i hope it's just a brief stage!

[sk8boarder15]

Well, I've figured out one thing. FOOD. If I can keep this kid eating all day, he's happier. Not always happy, but better. He needs to eat, a lot. He needs to eat almost as soon as he wakes. He'll be so crabby he'll push away food, but if I put a few choices out and I eat something, then he will try some and eat enough to calm down. I wonder if he is hypoglycemic, or just going though a growth spurt.... Either way. If I put food in front of him hourly, and he gets a nap the day goes MUCH better. Outside time has also been helping. I've been trying to get into the routine of Wake up, eat, get dressed/ready, snack, play (preferably outside), lunch, nap, snack, indoor playing/reading/drawing, dinner, TV or quiet play, bath, stories bed. This seems to help. This last month starting with a trip and ending with Christmas destroyed our schedule and the tantrums increased. Predictability, with lots of food built in helps this kid stay level headed (though we certainly still have rough moments each day). 

[Serenyd]

http://www.anchoragepress.com/news/the-gluten-made-her-do-it-how-going-gluten-free/article_39e2478e-4585-11e2-a80c-0019bb2963f4.html?TNNoMobile

Thought I would post this here, in case it might help someone. I don't know that going gluten free would help my daughter, but it might be worth trying cutting it out for a couple of weeks to see what happens. 

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

newmamalizzy -- did you bring her to the doctor? have you tried giving her ibuprofen or tylenol? perhaps she has an ear infection? just wondering since she was just recently sick... often i find DS is suddenly worse/screamy/etc. when he has an ear infection or still hasn't recovered from a virus (even though he otherwise may not seem sick).
hugs, i hope it's just a brief stage!

I don't think she has an ear infection because for once she's not sleeping too badly, but I am keeping an eye out for it.  I've kind of been hoping for that, actually, since it's so easy to solve!

It does seem like the behavior has gotten less intense over the past few days, so I think you may be right about the virus causing the behavior to escalate.  Funny, she was a compliant angel at gymnastics class today.  After screaming and flailing for an hour as I tried to get her ready to go this morning.  Why are kids like that???

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by newmamalizzy 

Argh, I've just got to chime in here with a vent today, too.  My DD has just this past week reached a level of awful I didn't think possible.  She's like a verbal colicky newborn.  Screaming and crying about every transition, every "no" (and yes, I avoid using that word, but she knows when she's being denied), every time something is disappointing or sad or not as planned - even if the thing doesn't even have anything to do with her!  (The turkeys in the freezer thawed out!  Auuuuuggghhhhhh!)  I am hoping and praying that this is not a new developmental stage, but quotes from "Your 2 Year Old" are constantly popping into my head.  Rigid.  Inflexible.  Indecisive.  The 2 and a half year old angst.  BUT - she was sick with a bad cold starting on Christmas Eve, AND we traveled to my in-laws for the holidays and had a terrible visit with too much stimulation, lousy food, inappropriate behavior from the relatives, and poor sleeping accommodations.  So.....oh, I hope she'll snap out of it. 

BUT, I'd also love some more ideas for dealing with all this screaming.  We were getting by fine with empathy and hugs, but this is too much.  I've had to set limits about how much she can scream in the public areas of the house, and if she can't calm down I take her to the bedroom with me.  And if she's hurting my ears too much to hold her, I tell her I can hug her again when her voice is quieter.  I just wish I could prevent all the screaming in the first place.  She seems so volatile and unpredictable, and all my usual tricks aren't helping her :(
 

How is it going, newmamalizzy?  I am so sorry you are in this boat, but for what it's worth, this post has kept me sane the past few days!!!    Seriously, I keep repeating it in my head over and over (ESPECIALLY the part about the turkey - ha!) because it is SO EXACTLY what is going on over here, with my 20 month old.  

Near constant moodiness, everything is a tragedy (even if, like the turkey, it has nothing to do with him), 1-2 super mega meltdowns a day where he just can't recover and doesn't even know what he wants and just cries and screams for at least 30 minutes (he is super verbal, but words seem to fail him).   I had the exact same thoughts as you - he is like a verbal colicky newborn!  I don't remember this level of crazy emotional instability, except for when he was a babe.

For example, yesterday playing with magnets on the fridge - he lost it because he wanted to move some magnets, but wherever he moved them just brought more tears...a magnet broke (magnet part separated) and he lost it...magnets don't stick to paper (he knows this, but lost it)...wants to look in the freezer, then bursts into tears...etc. etc.  The worst was when he realized he ate the head off his gingerbread man - total upset meltdown - and then his dad ate an arm, in an effort to show him it was ok, you are supposed to eat it, and THAT was horrible - he was crying even more, searching in DH's mouth for the missing limb! 

He has always been an intense, sensitive dude - but this is just a new level of constant.  I think the major meltdowns would be easier to weather, without the CONSTANT screaming, crying, whining indignation at every turn.  The littlest things set him off.  I just don't know how to help him (other than holding/nursing him, calmly talking to him on his level, etc.), and I'm feeling a bit frazzled myself!