They call me "Miss Mom" - Smithie's foster care saga, Fall 2011 - Page 2

[Smithie]

It never rains but it pours. Two calls in one day - one for a very tragic situation that I'm a little relieved they selected another family who could take the placement a few hours earlier, and one for a more standard situation (if there is such a thing!), who is running around my kitchen right now. 

I'm going to be very wary of sharing anything online, because this time there are concerns about possible parental abduction.  But he's a lovely human being and my kids are doing all the heavy lifting in terms of getting him settled in, just like last time. 

J's birthday party was very nice. He was glad to see us but clearly does not pine for us - he had bonded with his new "mom" and "siblings."

[queenjane]

Congrats on the new placement. I know you dont want to post too much, but is he of a similar age as the previous boy? Just curious! Glad he seems to be settling in!  Its also nice for you to be able to stay in touch with "J" and to see he is doing well.

[Smithie]

Similar age, but very dissimilar situation in the family of origin. 

New clothes! Halloween costume! Happy times!

[Smithie]

So... two hours after we took placement, my oldest started puking. The stomach bug worked its way through the entire family (fortunately not the new kid). Welcome home, dude!

A week in and we're starting to settle down, and I think that the home investigator's fears of custodial interference are not going to materialize. Actually, I think that a RU plan might be agreed to and worked successfully. 

Meanwhile, we're all working out our new roles. My last placement was very used to being away from his mom, since he'd been mainly cared for by others once she became addicted, but this little really misses his mom.  There are a bunch of basic self-care skills she hasn't taught him, but she clearly shows him affection and spends time with him. A Dad, however, is a new thing, so my DH is getting a turn at winning the Foster Parent Popularity Contest.

[lauren]

Oh man that sounds rough! At least the puking...  I hope your new little one settles in. I'm glad to hear that he sounds healthier and misses his mom!

[Smithie]

I'm glad he misses her, too, and I hope to hell that she is worth missing. Unless I'm wildly misreading his cues, nobody has been hitting, starving or isolating this kid. I really look forward to his worker finding out more and making a plan for visitation - but in my state visitation is 2 hours/month! Not enough! Not approaching the outer range of the farthest limit of enough! Aaaaugh. 

[lauren]

Really? Two hours a month? That is awful!!

[Polliwog]

My DS didn't show signs of neglect either. His sister did but he didn't.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

My DS didn't show signs of neglect either. His sister did but he didn't.

Neither did my son. I dont think he WAS neglected, and that was not the reason for him coming into, or staying, in care.

Two hours a month is pretty shocking....parents here get a minimum of one hour/week unless there are reasons why it should be more/less. And if the FP has to miss a visit for whatever reason, it has to be made up.

[Smithie]

Not only is it 2 hours/month, but they try to do those two hours at one time. So it's ONE VISIT PER MONTH, and the worker or the GAL can call it off for any kind of noncompliance with drug tests, etc. (though I'm not sure they're too quick on the trigger with that one, as it can give grounds later for TPR appeal). 

We won't be involved with visitation in any way this time, not even to transport Zeke (his new online nickname, bears no relation to his real name) to the office, because keeping our identity secret is considered important in this case. For similar reasons, arranging for more visitation outside of the required time at the office is not going to be possible unless the GAL wants to facilitate it. I'm really praying for a proactive, pro-parent GAL in this case. If it doesn't go to RU, I don't want to live with the guilt forever that I was a party to Zeke's mom getting railroaded. 

[Smithie]

A visit! A visit! Even before Zeke's mom has been to court and gotten her case plan, they are arranging for a visit! 

My DH is kind of hoping that they just give this lady her kids back and not torture her for six months, but I think that's unlikely. She hasn't lawyered up AFAIK, and the worker is inclined to pursue the "standard" six-month foster placement, even on the younger kids who were not involved in the primary reason for the removal. Better safe than sorry etc. 

This morning, in the car:

Zeke: "Mom, are you happy to me?"

Me: "I am very happy to you! I love having you around! Are you happy to me?"

Zeke: "Yup!" 

.. so he's doing OK, I think, and will do OK even if his separation from his Mom stretches out for months. 

[Smithie]

Question: what to send along on a visit when you really want to do everything you can to facilitate RU, but have to remain anonymous? 

I got a disposable camera, so the worker can take pictures of mom and siblings all together. I am typing out a very generic note (he's doing well, such a good boy, likes his new school etc.). 

What else? 

[swd12422]

What about something he made for her, like a picture or a card or some craft you do with him? If he goes to school, maybe one of his "projects" from there (not sure how old he is, but there must be something he brings home like paintings or stories) so she can see what he's doing in school.

[pumpkingirl71]

I would keep it simple for the first meeting : )  I do like the idea of sending an art project.  Whenever my daughter visits her birthmother, we bring a project to all do together.  We love Oriental Trading Company, they have broken the ice for many awkward visits!  If it is a picture frame, we take a picture that day and then I send her the photo in the frame.

[Smithie]

Thanks for the suggestions! Unfortunately, all of the art projects Ike has brought home from school so far identify us by religious group, and given how tiny and distinctive the group is around here, that won't work for anonymity. 

I do have a Melissa and Doug "paint your own piggy bank" kit that I could send along. Maybe I'll do that. 

[Smithie]

He didn't want to go with the worker. Now they're late returning. 

AAAAAUGH.

[Smithie]

He's back! A great visit, apparently. Lots of photos and personal effects. Social worker was very impressed by mom's demeanor. Another visit in two weeks! 

[swd12422]

That's great! Glad it went well.

[pumpkingirl71]

That is great

[Smithie]

This kid is not potty-trained for poop. He's 5. 

At first, I thought it was constipation, or the classic I'm-holding in-my-poop-because-I-had-a-hard-poop-once-and-now-I'm-scared thing that's so common at this age. But stool softeners didn't help, and an enema didn't help (although the trauma of it may have brought us closer). I am taking Zeke to the doctor this coming week to make sure there's no impacted fecal mass higher up in his colon, but I think it's purely a training issue. I think he went to school in the morning, came home in the afternoon, and pooped his pants everysingleday. Maybe she put him in a Pull-Up when he got home?

Anyhow, beyond saying "you need to poop in the potty," how do I train a 5-year-old to poop in the potty?