anyone give 1 child dad's last name, 2nd child mom's last name? - Page 2

[quantumleap]

We have some lovely friends who have given mama's last name to the daughters and papa's last name to the sons. I think it's an AWESOME idea/tradition, and tried to sell it to DH, but I couldn't sell him on it. I know your situation is slightly different, but maybe child #2 will be a boy, and then the boy's can carry your last name and the girls his? Either way, I really don't think it's a big deal. Name them what you want to! It's not like you're giving one of them a random last name, and the other will have your last name, or whatever. 

[tincia]

I agree with your dh about the paternity thing. We have spent 2 years trying to get dd1 's last name changed to be the same as the rest of us, she is 10 and hates that hers is different. Also in school the association between children with the same last name. Also, if for example u have 3 children and 2 have the same last name and one is the odd one out.

[ananas]

I wouldn't do it...it doesn't seem like a last name makes a huge difference, but I think it does. I've known a few people who had a different last name than the rest of their family and they didn't like it at all.

[Alphaghetti]

Friends of ours did this. Mom kept her own name when she married dad, and the older child had mom's last name, the younger one had dad's.  The girls are now 13 and 11, and just a few  months ago, the mom told me in passing that she is really tired of all the confusion and hassles that the name thing has created, and that she and DD1 are both changing their surnames to dad's! Just food for thought.

[Kedrosami]

Our son has DH's last name and our daughter has mine. No issues so far although our daughter is only 2 months old. We agreed long before we had kids that any boys would take his name and girls would take mine. I figure just explaining it with that one sentence is enough to clear up any confusion if there ever is any...we feel good about it (both sides of our family are honored) and I can't see how it would ever be confusing to the kids themselves. My son is only 2 and he already seems to get it.

The only people who I anticipate will be confused are the same people who won't/can't call me by my own name instead of "Mrs. DH" because it's simply inconceivable to them that a married woman (as well as all of her & DH's children) wouldn't take DH's name--namely, elderly relatives. Other than that, it's not a big deal.

I'm glad to hear about families with older kids who have done something similar with success!

[jenrose]

Because we live close to my family, it's really my husband and younger that are the "odd ones out", but it's important to him, especially since his dad's death. No one feels "left out" and confusion is minimal. We're swimming in people with my last name... so DD1 doesn't feel odd. And Shiny doesn't care. 

[msmiranda]

I'm late to this, but we are alternating last names with our kids, just alternating by birth order, not based on gender (which is a good thing for me because we have all boys and likely will never have a girl!). This only worked for us because we plan on 4 kids, so 2 with each last name. They are not old enough yet to have an opinion on it, so we'll see how it goes once they start school. It is unusual, so I'm sure that people will be confused and have questions. I don't mind explaining what we did and why, so it's not a big deal to me. Our families do not like it and don't approve at all but they respect that it was our decision to make and address cards and such correctly.  My attitude about other people is, eh, they'll get used to it. I mostly kept my name when I married for feminist reasons, but also because I had legally changed it once already and didn't want to go through all that rigamarole again AND because I strongly dislike my husband's last name (just aesthetically, it is not pleasing to my ear). But I didn't want to be the only one in my family with a different last name -- that just didn't seem fair to me. In the end there will be (lord willing in a few years) six of us, three with each name. I call us the Smith Jones family or the Smith/Jones family in our correspondence such as holiday cards. FWIW, we have had both of the older kids in day care together in the past and no one ever batted an eye about their last names or seemed confused about the fact that they were siblings.

[Lisa1970]

Definitely not planning a third child? If a third is possible, then no, I would not do this.

[KimberlyD0]

I wouldn't do it personally. Seems like a lot of unnecessary hassle and confusion. Not to mention I dislike the idea of kids having to share a name beyond the last name. Both my girls have DH's last name, and I do now too, it was a PITA when mine was different.

[indigosky]

In response to Lisa1970, two is our max -- there definitely won't be a third child.

In response to KimberlyD0, I've had a different last name than DP for 18 years now (including 4 with a child) and don't find it to be a PITA at all -- I much prefer to have my own name than take his. So far, our daughter is totally tickled that she has both of our names as part of her name.

I guess I'm mostly interested to hear from others who have actually done this, or something similar, (or know people who have).

Thanks!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by indigosky 

DP's concern about this idea is that if a kid doesn't have his last name, people will suspect/wonder that he wasn't the father -- as if he came along later, or one of our kids had a different dad, etc. He makes the fair point that in general, there's no question about who a child's mother is if she was pregnant and gave birth. But since fatherhood is less clear, having his last name is one way to indicate that he's the dad.
 

I know this is a bit of an old thread, but I was thinking about it last night at a school event. My kids are teens, and at this point, few family are still mom/dad/kids. So many families are blended families, or kids are at events where one parent is there with their new boyfriend/girlfriend while the other parent is on the opposite side of the room with a smile than does extend to their eyes.

I think your DPs concern is VERY valid. I think  that in the future, people will assume you are a blended family, and they won't bother to ask. Honestly, at this point, those question tend have very personal answers so most people just don't ask.   Depending on whether or not your kids end up really looking like sibs, people will assume you are a blended family.

There's nothing wrong with a blended family, and I don't think it will ever cause complications (some kids don't have the same last name as any of their sibs or parents, the world is set up for it) but if you would like people to know that you are a traditional nuclear family, that's  not a good way to do so. They will assume - they won't ask

I really like that we all have the same last name. It wasn't a big deal to me until recently, but I like it.

[wanderinblues]

im still not sure on this. i think i would like our girls to have my last name and our boys to have his. i would totally just hyphenate our names, but that would be kind of cruel. DP's name is very unusual and mine is already hyphenated and german/polish. so thats three hard to spell, hard to pronounce last names. they actually all sound pretty neat together and DP thinks we should hyphenate anyway lol. he doesnt want any of the kids to have just my last name. but i don't really want to be the only one with a different last name. even if we do ever get married (not likely) i would not change my name. 

i liked having a hyphenated last name as a kid, though my brother and i usually went by my mom's last name to make it easier on people. my brother still does, but i usually use both now. we were a "nuclear" family, my parents are still together, though they never married.... so it doesn't seem unreasonable to me that our kids would share our names in some way.

[indigosky]

Not an old thread at all -- I'm still pregnant and expect to me for a couple more months, so keep the thoughts/experiences coming!

Like wanderinblues, we're happily unmarried by choice (18 years and counting), and don't ever expect or want to have the same last name, so there's no chance our family will ever all have the same last names. DP would be happy to hyphenate, but I just don't think that's a workable solution for the long-run. So that's why the question is even on the table, as an alternative solution that could feel fair/logical/equitable/understandable/all that good stuff.