I do have hearing sensory issues, in that I cannot really filter sound as well as most people can. This means that I pay attention to all sounds that are made around me, and my brain is always trying to make sense of what I hear, which in a busy environment is tiring at best and absolutely exhausting to the point of needing to escape at the worst of times. In fact, sound is always the first thing I pay attention to. This means that when someone is talking, or otherwise making sounds loud enough to be discernible from the general back-ground noise in a home I cannot focus on what I am doing properly since my focus is shifted from what I am doing to the sound. This is especially an issue when I am doing something where I need to be immersed, like writing or reading. Since discernible sounds bring me out of the immersion, into the now, really only being able to focus on the interrupting sound.
When I was your daughter's age these kind of interruptions would throw me into a rage. I would sit and try to focus on what I was doing. Really try really hard, until I simply snapped because of the impossibility of it. Usually the offender in my house was music. Not necessarily played all that loudly, but loud enough for me to hear the beat even in my room. Over and over. Thump-thump-thump-thump...
Oh, the fights I had especially with my siblings over their music! We would all rush to my parents, pointing fingers, complaining, trying to convince them of our own opinion. In my case: "I can't concentrate!" in their case "Should I be forced to live in silence?!".
Headphones and earplugs was not a solution in my family. Mainly because we felt it a punishment. I felt it a punishment to be forced to wear earplugs (especially since they hurt my ears after a while of wearing them, no matter the model). Plus, I don't know if I really heard the thumping through the earplugs but I was convinced I did. So, hurting my ears and not solving the problem. Noise cancelling headphones probably was not even invented back then, and in any case, I could not have worn them in bed reading, because I like to lay on my side.
This was an issue until...I don't know. Until my sister moved from home, I guess. And my brother bought his first pair of really good headphones, that rendered the sound of the bass in his electronic music much better than his stereo did.
Generally, I think things would have been better for me had my parents really understood about my hearing sensory issues and not just ascribed it to one of my strange convictions, that I had many of as a child. Amongst other things I was convinced that I would never wear a skirt shorter than below my knees, or for that matter start shaving my legs or wear make-up. I was very much anti everything that everyone else was pro, growing up. So they thought my hate of music simply was part of my anti-stance.
Anyhow, for how to deal and cope with it...
- First of all, show understanding towards your daughter and her feelings. Really, I think this can't be underestimated. Because if there is one thing that is worse than having these issues is feeling as if no one understands.
- Secondly, work with your younger daughter to teach her about controlling her volume just a bit. Not hushing her. Not telling her to mellow down. Not to stop bouncing and jumping and singing. Just ask her to turn the volume down a bit when indoors, by illustrating what you mean.
- Thirdly, establish "quiet time" in your home. In my home, it was between 22.00 (our bedtime) and 10.00 (so no one was waken by noise). Between those hours, if you wanted to play music you used your headphones. If you turned on the television, you were not allowed to turn up the volume beyond that of being able to hear what was said (half-way in our case). You did not turn on the dishwasher (which could wake my brother who sleeps in the room next to the kitchen) and generally just tried to think about talking softly etc. It might be especially helpful to establish a quiet hour right after school too, in which home work etc. can be done. Or that can be used just to calm down after school.
- Lastly, look into meditation. It might seem silly, but if her anger stems from not being able to concentrate when there are sounds around, her focus being drawn to the sound rather than to what she is doing, it will help her to be able to pull the focus back into herself. In my case, I imagine my centre as a shiny, strong, cold steel rod. Going from the top of my head down into my feet, grounding me deeper with each breathe until my focus is entirely on the cold metal. I don't hear the noise attracting my attention any longer. My anger over the noise melts away...and I can open my eyes again, with focus regained.