Should they go to the wake?

[babynatasha]

My Grandmother died yesterday at 88yrs old, she has been slowly going down hill for about 10yrs. The wake is on Friday 4-8pm. I am expected to be there at 3:30-7 or 8ish by my father. I have two kids DS 2yrs and DD almost 4yrs. The wake is about 1hr from our home and as our normal babysitters are my parents, or family, we are stuck for a sitter for such a long period (including drive) as the only people who *could* babysit don't get out of work until 5-ish or may be forced to work overtime (part of the job).

Gran was old, there will not be sobbing people throwing themselves on the casket. There will be a ton of family at the wake, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents, family friends. I am thinking about having my husband come with the kids around 4:30 and stay until they get restless/bored/hungry and then leave. It will be an open casket, my Gran looks, well, kinda like she has looked for years now, just dead.  You know? The kids are used to seeing her looking sickly, since they have been alive she really hasn't left her bed and don't know if they would notice anything really different. Although I did tell my daughter that I was sad because she had died and she seemed to take it in stride, asking why she had died and I said "she was really really really old and it just happens". Other than that she was really not talkative on the subject.

Do you think it is appropriate to bring the kids? Do you think this will scar/scare them for life? I wonder if they will even see her in the casket, barring someone picking them up to look. I think my Grandfather would like to see them, although I haven't asked point blank. I spent the day at his house yesterday and he seemed very well adjusted to his wife dying. I think she had long past the quality vs. quanity stage and it is a relief to him not to watch her suffer.

So what do you think? It would really be a pain to find a sitter who the kids know and like and would behave for. I also think it is appropraite for my husband to show up, stay for a while and then leave with the kids. Thoughts?

[monkeyscience]

I think your plan sounds fine, for whatever worth the opinion of a total stranger is. :) Your husband and kids will still be participating, but you have an out if your kids get bored. Which they probably will, unless they have cousins who will play with them or other extended family.

[lovepickles]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm happy your grandmother is no longer suffering. It totally depends on your family, immediate and distant. I would avoid having them near the casket. I recently lost my grandmother and the funeral home had a sort of large living room outside the chapel with the casket. That might be a more appropriate area for the kids to visit with family.

Whether or not it will scar your kids for life I'm not sure, it depends on your kids. BUT you must prepare them by telling them point blank that she has died/passed away and that her body is still here in the casket for everyone to say goodbye. Then you will bury her body with many flowers. Focus on the flowers. Your 4 year old will have MANY questions. Just answer them as best as you can with patience and respect. This will shape the way she sees death for the rest of her life.

[journeymom]

You've got a great plan.  This is a great opportunity for your 4 y.o. to witness how family deals with death.  That your dh can bring them later and take them home earlier is ideal.  Sounds like your grandfather will appreciate the effort. 

The only funerals I've been to, for my grandmothers and my mother, have all been truly wonderful family reunions.  At my mother's memorial it was especially touching to me to see all her grandchildren there, including my own kids.

About your grandfather's adjustment, my mom's hospice nurse mentioned that in her experience there seem to be a couple kinds of widowers. Some don't recover from their wives deaths, they sort of wither away and frequently die within a year, if not days after their wives' deaths.  Others mourn their wives but also start another phase of their lives, and even blossom and grow.  That was my dad.  He mourned his wife's passing, he loved her dearly but was already making plans before she died, to travel places Mom hadn't been interested in.  

Anyway, it sounds like you're handling this issues perfectly. 

[babynatasha]

Thanks for you input everyone. I appreciate it! I did not have any experiance with death until I was about 21yrs old. Until then the only family that died lived in England and I was not close with them, we also had no friends who died. I do remember being very worried before going to my first wake. I didn't know what to expect or how I would react. I don't know what the right age is to experiance a death... I guess you don't know until it happens...

My grandfather said to me yesterday that he will be fine, he will adjust to this and life will go on. I think it is helpful that they truly had a happy life together a wonderful love story and that he sees this as my grandmother having an end to her suffering. He has always said that life is for the living.

[mommy212]

Well personally, I would bring my kids the whole time I was planning on staying, maybe heading out a bit for a drive to take a nap if he needed it. I think it's important for kids to learn respect and good behavior in situations like that. I certainly don't think it will scar them in any way, though they may talk about it for a while, since it would be a new and different experience

[Adaline'sMama]

I think your plan is great. I went to a wake at 3, I remember it, but Im not scarred (well, not by that anyway )

You may be surprised at how happy people are to see the kids, since children can be such a joy during a time of grief. Im sorry for your loss

[Everrgreen]

My grandparents both passed away about 2 weeks apart this spring.  My 2 year old came with me to both wakes and I did bring him to my grandpa's funeral but he would not sit still/be quiet so we had to go outside.  I don't live in the same city so I had no babysitter option but my cousin lives there and had a babysitter for his own 2 year old so I left my ds there for my grandma's funeral.  He did ok at the wakes though (he just thought they were sleeping).

[evabea]

I went to my grandmother's funeral at 4 years, I remember it and knew my grandmother died and that my dad was sad. My 2-yr old brother didn't attend, but he was more of a handful. This year I brought my 10-month old daughter to a post-funeral luncheon for my friend's dad. The whole family loves babies and seemed to enjoy her presence, a woman even thanked me for bringing her.

[LittleBirdy]

My SIL brought my 2.5 year old nephew to the wake when her grandfather passed away.  Honestly?  Having him there was sort of a nice distraction.  It cut the sadness somehow, and reminded us all that even though grampy was gone he'd left behind a legacy that included this adorable little great-grandson.  It was open casket, and my nephew would just say, "Grampy's sleepin'."  I think it worked because there were a ton of people there, and he is very social, so he spent the whole time charming people.  If it had been a small group that might have been harder.

My nephew also came to the funeral, but stayed in the car when we travelled to the cemetary for the interment.  He could handle grampy sleeping in what looked like a bed but I think he would have struggled with the concept of a burial.

I don't think it's scarring to explain to small children that when people get very, very, very old they pass away.  It's an unavoidable fact of life. 

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

DH and I brought our 13 month old to his uncle's wake and funeral 3 months ago.  It was a great decision.  Tons of people commented on how it gave them perspective on life and death.  Also, lots of family members got to meet/see DD. I am sorry for your loss. 

[McGucks]

Just have to chime in with this story.  DS1 was about 2 or maybe 2.5 when we went to a wake.  It was raining gently.  A quiet moment had emerged.  Someone had handed DS1 an umbrella, which he was silently twirling over his head.  He then dropped the umbrella and very, very audibly exclaimed "OH SH*T!"

The IL's (who hadn't been in favor of my bringing him in the first place, but certainly expected ex-H and I to be there) glared at me, as did maybe half the other people.  The other half chuckled and smiled so sweetly.

I am still glad I took him, so many years later (this was in 1998, I think).

I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother, OP.  My opinion is that your children would not be harmed as you worried about...I think it's all in the handling of it.  It sounds like there will be lots of family for your children to play with and see, and they don't necessarily have to even be aware that there is a casket (depending on the size of the facility and how you are able to kind of manage their whereabouts).

Good luck.

[katelove]

I would take them and I think the contingency plan of your husband being able to take them home early if needed is a good one. I would also allow them to see their great-grandmother, with appropriate preparation beforehand and support during and after, unless I knew that my particular child would be very disturbed by it.

I think it's very healthy for children to learn about the circle of life starting at an early age. I am also a big fan of letting children see and be part of things. If we try to shield them then it can give them the idea that the thing is so big and scary that mum and dad don't even want them to see it so it must be *really* bad KWIM?

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the wake is a great time of healing and community for your family and friends.

[nukedwifey]

Originally Posted by katelove 

I would take them and I think the contingency plan of your husband being able to take them home early if needed is a good one. I would also allow them to see their great-grandmother, with appropriate preparation beforehand and support during and after, unless I knew that my particular child would be very disturbed by it.

I think it's very healthy for children to learn about the circle of life starting at an early age. I am also a big fan of letting children see and be part of things. If we try to shield them then it can give them the idea that the thing is so big and scary that mum and dad don't even want them to see it so it must be *really* bad KWIM?

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the wake is a great time of healing and community for your family and friends.

The bolded reminds me of a story my mom told me.  When she was growing up people didn't talk about "things" in front of children so her and her sister were kept in the dark a lot.  When they were teenagers something was happening with Mother and the doctor kept coming to the house, etc.  They met in the bathroom and concluded that mother was dieing of cancer and that they needed to confront their parents that they knew, so, they did.  It turns out Mother was having a hysterctomy, no cancer in site.  All of the hush-hush led them to believe it must be really bad.  From that point on my mom decided she was always going to include her children in everything, talk about everything, and keep no secrets.  And she did. 

When I was 4 my favorite preschool teacher committed suicide.  Everyone asked my mom what she was going to tell me, if anything.  My mom's response was "the truth."  She knew she couldn't just ignore it.  I would wonder where he was at school and that would be more hurtful, I think, that she knew and didn't tell me.  She sat me down and explained it to me and told me that he wouldn't be at school anymore.  We went to the funeral.  I'm not scared.  I had a lot of questions at the moment but understood what she was telling me.  I remember it to this day, obviously, and go to his grave at times.  I drive by it everyday.  I still miss him.  He was a lot of fun. She didn't tell me "why" he did it until I was older.  It was because his girlfriend broke up with him.  Sad.  (I don't think I would have understood that at the time not understanding love, etc, yet)

I would take them and feel no problems with them seeing her.  I took my DS (2) a few months ago to the funeral of a dear family friend who loved him to death.  It was a very sudden, unexpected death.  Everyone really liked seeing him.  I knew he would wonder what happened to her since we saw her a lot.  I like that your Dh can take them home early though because they'll get tired and bored eventually. 

I'm sorry for your loss but happy she is now at peace.

[babynatasha]

Just wanted to post the update so you all wouldn't be hanging! I prepped my DD the night before, told her where we were going, what it was for and asked her to help me pick out a dress for her to wear (& clothes for her brother). She asked a few questions, but not many. The next day on the way to daycare we went over the scheduale, that DH would pick her & DS up and they would get changed and come to the wake. They arrived at around 5:15 and stayed until 7pm. Everyone was thrilled to see them and very happy we brought them. DS couldn't have cared less about the casket. DD wanted to look at Great Grandma, so DH brought her over. They stood and looked and talked for a while, then DD ran off to play with DS in the corner. When they were getting ready to leave, I told DD to go give hugs and kisses goodbye, she did then said she wanted to see GG again. I picked her up and carried her over. She looked, said goodbye to GG and they left.

The next morning DD asked me again why GG died. I think, I had the perfect explaination. DD has two pairs of Cinderella shoes with sequins all over them. (one new pair and the other grown out of) I took the two shoes and stood them next to each other. I said that DD had really loved the shoes so much, she wore them everyday. We talked about how the new shoes were perfect, the sequins still on, no issues, brand new. I told her that this is how we all start out. I then showed her the old shoes, how the sequins were falling off, missing in some places, had her feel the tread on the bottom and how it had been worn away, showed her the rips in the side and how the clasp was falling off. I explained that with time, people were the same way and that when we were all worn out, we died. She took this all very well and told me how much she had loved her shoes. Since this she has been fine, no more questions, but in a good way :)

Thanks for the support! I really appreciated the responses!

[katelove]

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad it went well. And what an amazing learning experience for your DD.

[Megan73]

You handled that amazingly well, OP. Thanks for telling us about it.