I feel like I can't move.

[anjsmama]

I came to "Personal growth" because it seems more fitting than posting in EACH one of the areas I need to grow/improve in - which is just about everything. If you feel like a complete disaster (or have felt), WHERE DO YOU START?

Background: My life is amazing. I am married to my best friend, for 2 years, we have a delightful, pleasant, fun marriage. He is a knight in shining armor, no complaints. Seriously, if I *had* to name things that bother me about him it would be 1) he can't read my mind & 2) he cuts his toenails too much.  We have 2 kids - 3 yo DS & 7 mo DD. They both nearly died at birth due to very different complications and survived to become healthy children. I'm a SAHM now because DH's new job covers what we both used to make combined. I'm a runner, and just completed my first half-marathon which was a major life goal.

My issues:

I'm a medical disaster. I have celiac disease. I think I'm intolerant to just about everything, and have leaky gut. I also have lots of unexplained issues like chronic fatigue, sleeplessness, excessive weight loss (down to 111 lbs now) despite eating a carb-fat-protein balanced diet of nearly 3000 calories, chronic pain everywhere, especially in my knees and back, rapid heartrate/dizzy feeling and sometimes fainting. It's all I can do to make it through the day most of the time.

I think I have lots of mental problems, but I've never seen anyone so they're guesses. I think I have some strong OCD tendencies, as I need things to be pretty much perfect all of the time. People tell me all the time everything would be fine if I'd "just relax" but I can't. Along those same lines, I worry, and have a lot of anxiety, in a fashion I think is probably not normal. That is, I worry about everyone and everything all day everyday. I cannot do anything without worrying about what could be, I can't sit down for a cup of coffee without thinking about the finances I should be organizing, and I can't go to sleep without worrying about everything that happened that day and the list of things I'm praying to get to tomorrow. I think I might be depressed, although I don't really understand depression... because I am genuinely happy with my life, and the way things are, but I just can't *FEEL* happy. 

I have no support. Ouch - sorry DH.... but really, we moved away from my mom&dad, MIL/FIL, GIL x 2, BIL/SIL, my siblings, my grandparents, our best friends (& my "niece"), etc. We know NOBODY here. We moved because my husband took a job in law enforcement - his dream job... just imagine; paranoid lady with cop husband and guns around her strongly sheltered kids....... . I am totally supportive of DH's job and am so happy for him; it really gives him a lot of joy. But it also gives him a huge support system that I DON'T have. He's gone 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, so I'm by myself with the kids all of that time, and then it's just the 4 of us the rest of the time. NO ONE else. As for the *go make friends* advice that he and everyone else is giving me .... read the above. Do I sound like a person who can just go make friends...??????

I was raped as a teenager, abused in the relationship prior to meeting DH, blindsided by doctor's bullstuff during both of my pregnancies that ended in horrifying births. I am currently breastfeeding DD & DS just "finished' (jesus, do they ever finish...?) potty training. 

This is a small list - the major stuff. I have a lot more issues. The point is - my DH loves me so much and is trying so hard to help me and keeps saying things like "just see a doctor" "just get out there and meet some friends" "I just want you to feel better" ... and I'm sitting here like . I mean - I can clearly see all my problems and my need for help, but how the hell am I supposed to do that? Where do I START? How do I even find a doctor, or a whole slew of them it seems, in a place I don't know at all? Then once I find one, how do I go to these appointments? Take both kids? Sundays? I mean...???!!!!  

Anything from anyone, would be helpful. TIA

[Adaline'sMama]

First of all, you do sound like a person who can just go make friends. You have to be forward, just ask people to hang out with you and your kids. If you start a conversation with someone at the park and its going well, ask if she wants to go get ice cream with you and your kids. It can be really intimidating to move somewhere new, and its hard to just put yourself out there, but it usually pays off. I think your anxiety will lessen greatly if you build a system of support. Are you still communicating with everyone back home? What about the other officers wives? What about a runners group or a support group for your medical issues? You can take your infant with you almost everywhere, and at this point, I think you need a good babysitter or mother's helper for your older LO. Youve got to take care of yourself. Here are the steps I would take, starting today and ending at the end of September. You cant drag this out, and make excuses, you've got to get on the move before winter sets in!

1. join a mom's group, or look in Finding Your Tribe and ask about local playgroups and meetups. Force yourself to go. You will likely have a good time after a few tries.
2. Find a mother's helper, probably someone in the 12-14 age group who will come help you for a couple of hours a week. Post in Fnding your Tribe to ask for recommendations, or put up a flyer at your local coffee shop.
3. Go to a park or somewhere where the kids can play with the mothers helper and you can run, preferably with one of your new mom friends.
4. Open the phone book and make an appointment with a psychiatrist and either leave your kids with a babysitter or have your mother's helper watch them in the waiting room
5. You need help for your anxiety. Some people smoke pot, some people meditate, some people take xanax. Either way, you have to do something.
6. Join a real life group or an online group to help you deal with your past relationship issues and your rape. I would suggest MDCs Surviving Abuse, but you have to have 500 posts to join

[PNWmama]

Aw, I really feel for you mama!  

First off, have you had your thyroid levels tested recently?  I'm just wondering about hyperthyroidism.  You seem to have some of the symptoms (fatigue, racing heart, dizziness, weight loss, insomnia) that are associated with hyperthyroidism.  A friend of mine has it, and before she got it under control she was losing weight like crazy and felt awful (I have the opposite problem, hypothyroidism, and I can't lose weight! ugh!).  I know that celiac disease and leaky gut could also be causing your symptoms.  Perhaps posting on the Health board about healing a leaky gut would get you some good advice on that. 

I can relate to your post very well.  We moved far away from all of our family for my husband's job, and even after 5 years of living here, we still have very little support.  We've found someone to babysit the kids and who we could call on in an emergency, but have found little in the way of friends (or what friend's I've found have moved away!).  Personally I know it's very hard to make friends being a nervous and shy person.  Sometimes it feels downright debilitating.  

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion about trying to find a playgroup or mom's group of some sort.  Google for groups in your area, look at your library's bulletin board for flyers for playgroups, post on the Finding your Tribe area, check for yahoo groups or on meetup.com.  If you can't find anyone, even putting an ad on craigslist that you are looking for playmates for your kids, or a running partner for yourself.  Try to get out of the house as much as possible and just be places where young kids are going to be, like at the library or park.  Once you get your health issues under control and if you feel up to it, maybe you could try organizing your own playgroup, either through somewhere like meetup.com or by posting flyers at the library.   

I think you should see a counselor to talk about your anxiety, if that's possible.  Could your husband switch shifts with someone for one day a week so that he'd be home during the day, or is he able to take time off work (like using vacation, sick leave, etc?)?  My husband uses sick leave whenever I have to go to the doctors (which is okay with his employer).  

As for finding a doctor, I think the first step is to find what doctors in the area are covered by your insurance (I'm assuming you have insurance since your husband is in law enforcement).  Then just call one on the list and try them out.  Or can your DH ask his co-workers who they see?

hugs mama, and good luck!  I hope you are feeling better soon.

[anjsmama]

THANK YOU. YES - this bolded - exactly! I actually *have* grown a lot in this area. There was a time in my life when I wouldn't order a pizza or schedule docs appointments.... due to not feeling able to talk to someone I didn't know on the phone. Obviously I overcame a lot of that for my kids, especially in the area of sticking up for myself/family with medical personnel. AND I have gotten better at conversation with random strangers (we do go to library, park, museum, etc, daily) - but I can't seem to cross the line to "So let's be friends!". I actually went on my *FIRST* (very first, in 3 years of mothering) play date today with one of the officer wives who has 2 children close in age to mine. It was great. I could function if I could hang out with someone like that often. I think part  of the reason the beginning of this friendship is working is because SHE is so outgoing/aggressive or what-have-you as a friend. She flat out told me "We have so much in common not to be friends!" & "Give me your number" & "Let's meet up at the farm with the kids." I feel incapable of saying things like that, and it helps me so much when someone else does.

Also - reading both posts I realized TRUST/fear is another HUGGGGEEE issue of mine. Hang out with strangers? What if they're serial killers? Babysitters/mother's helpers? What if they disappear with my kids...?  I mean, believe me, I KNOW I sound insane. BUT it's truly the way I feel. I often wonder if someone will break in my window. I don't let my kids more than an arm's reach away. I've always been paranoid on SOME level - but it's been much, much worse since leaving my comfort zone. I am from small town USA where you can trust almost everybody, and now I live in big city where my DH arrests all of the creeps......... KWIM? I've never left either one of my kids with anyone who wasn't family for 15 seconds. And I don't HAVE family here. So I have to find a way to trust someone to watch them... but I don't know how. Maybe asking DH to ask the other folks at work is a good idea.... especially since our anniversary is this week... *Sigh*.
 

Originally Posted by PNWmama 

Aw, I really feel for you mama!  

First off, have you had your thyroid levels tested recently?  I'm just wondering about hyperthyroidism.  You seem to have some of the symptoms (fatigue, racing heart, dizziness, weight loss, insomnia) that are associated with hyperthyroidism.  A friend of mine has it, and before she got it under control she was losing weight like crazy and felt awful (I have the opposite problem, hypothyroidism, and I can't lose weight! ugh!).  I know that celiac disease and leaky gut could also be causing your symptoms.  Perhaps posting on the Health board about healing a leaky gut would get you some good advice on that. 

I can relate to your post very well.  We moved far away from all of our family for my husband's job, and even after 5 years of living here, we still have very little support.  We've found someone to babysit the kids and who we could call on in an emergency, but have found little in the way of friends (or what friend's I've found have moved away!).  Personally I know it's very hard to make friends being a nervous and shy person.  Sometimes it feels downright debilitating.  

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion about trying to find a playgroup or mom's group of some sort.  Google for groups in your area, look at your library's bulletin board for flyers for playgroups, post on the Finding your Tribe area, check for yahoo groups or on meetup.com.  If you can't find anyone, even putting an ad on craigslist that you are looking for playmates for your kids, or a running partner for yourself.  Try to get out of the house as much as possible and just be places where young kids are going to be, like at the library or park.  Once you get your health issues under control and if you feel up to it, maybe you could try organizing your own playgroup, either through somewhere like meetup.com or by posting flyers at the library.   

I think you should see a counselor to talk about your anxiety, if that's possible.  Could your husband switch shifts with someone for one day a week so that he'd be home during the day, or is he able to take time off work (like using vacation, sick leave, etc?)?  My husband uses sick leave whenever I have to go to the doctors (which is okay with his employer).  

As for finding a doctor, I think the first step is to find what doctors in the area are covered by your insurance (I'm assuming you have insurance since your husband is in law enforcement).  Then just call one on the list and try them out.  Or can your DH ask his co-workers who they see?

hugs mama, and good luck!  I hope you are feeling better soon.

[journeymom]

Adeline'smama's list is excellent but I'd put number 4 up at the top of the list.  Make an appointment with a psychiatrist -a medical doctor-  and get medication to get a handle on your anxiety.  This will make it easier to make your way through the rest of the list.  It will help you cope with the fears and anxieties that are causing you so much pain.

If the first medication doesn't work then go back to the doctor and try something else. Or up the dose. Or try a combination of meds.  A good psychiatrist will know how to help you, but it requires feedback from you.  These kinds of meds require trial and error sometimes, before a person finds a good solution. 

There are a number of ways to get the ball rolling, depending on what kind of insurance you have.  You might start with your regular physician's office.  Call and tell the appointment person you need a referral to a psychiatrist and you're wondering if you need a referral from your doctor.  And don't let embarrassment or self consciousness keep you from doing this, this is the person's job.

You don't know the full extent of how much you're suffering because you are used to it.  You know it can be better, though.  I urge you to do this today. 

[gitanamama]

Sorry you're in a rough patch mama! It sound like there are a lot of issues involved but I agree with the above advice to put counseling at the top of your list. I imagine that if you get some help with the anxiety/trust issues, the other aspects may fall in to place more easily. Could you ask your mom or sister or a good friend to visit you? Maybe with their company you would have an easier time making new friends. And perhaps one of them could watch your kiddos while you went to a slew of appointments. I know it's not a long term solution but it sounds like you need some loving company right now.

And I can commiserate with you on how hard it can be making new friends...even when you have kids as your "excuse." I've never been much of a social butterfly and I have a really hard time taking the initiative and striking up conversations. I'm trying to push myself though because I know how important it is to have a "tribe," especially as a SAHM. I really believe that we are not meant to parent in isolation---it's my goal to create a support system for myself--perhaps you can make it your goal too?

Best of luck getting to a more solid place :)

[anjsmama]

These responses in particular have been SO helpful. My thyroid was overactive OFF THE CHARTS. Adrenal gland not functioning. Support for both of them & herbals for anxiety have brought me to a place of functioning. Since being able to function, I joined a local running club and went to a Holistic Parents meetup (meetup.com), and asked hubby to set up a double-play-date with a friend of his & family from work. I have three friends .  I know, I sound like a five year old. 

I now have standing appointments on Saturday mornings with my chiropractor, and actually I think his wife might become my 4th friend. LOL. Just having a couple people to text about the days events or to meet at a park for an hour or whatever makes such a HUGE difference, and I don't think I could have done it in the mental state I was in. I'm not all perfect and shiny now, but I can get out of bed and face my day. Thanks for the advice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by PNWmama 

Aw, I really feel for you mama!  

First off, have you had your thyroid levels tested recently?  I'm just wondering about hyperthyroidism.  You seem to have some of the symptoms (fatigue, racing heart, dizziness, weight loss, insomnia) that are associated with hyperthyroidism.  A friend of mine has it, and before she got it under control she was losing weight like crazy and felt awful (I have the opposite problem, hypothyroidism, and I can't lose weight! ugh!).  I know that celiac disease and leaky gut could also be causing your symptoms.  Perhaps posting on the Health board about healing a leaky gut would get you some good advice on that. 

I can relate to your post very well.  We moved far away from all of our family for my husband's job, and even after 5 years of living here, we still have very little support.  We've found someone to babysit the kids and who we could call on in an emergency, but have found little in the way of friends (or what friend's I've found have moved away!).  Personally I know it's very hard to make friends being a nervous and shy person.  Sometimes it feels downright debilitating.  

I agree with the previous poster's suggestion about trying to find a playgroup or mom's group of some sort.  Google for groups in your area, look at your library's bulletin board for flyers for playgroups, post on the Finding your Tribe area, check for yahoo groups or on meetup.com.  If you can't find anyone, even putting an ad on craigslist that you are looking for playmates for your kids, or a running partner for yourself.  Try to get out of the house as much as possible and just be places where young kids are going to be, like at the library or park.  Once you get your health issues under control and if you feel up to it, maybe you could try organizing your own playgroup, either through somewhere like meetup.com or by posting flyers at the library.   

I think you should see a counselor to talk about your anxiety, if that's possible.  Could your husband switch shifts with someone for one day a week so that he'd be home during the day, or is he able to take time off work (like using vacation, sick leave, etc?)?  My husband uses sick leave whenever I have to go to the doctors (which is okay with his employer).  

As for finding a doctor, I think the first step is to find what doctors in the area are covered by your insurance (I'm assuming you have insurance since your husband is in law enforcement).  Then just call one on the list and try them out.  Or can your DH ask his co-workers who they see?

hugs mama, and good luck!  I hope you are feeling better soon.

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Adeline'smama's list is excellent but I'd put number 4 up at the top of the list.  Make an appointment with a psychiatrist -a medical doctor-  and get medication to get a handle on your anxiety.  This will make it easier to make your way through the rest of the list.  It will help you cope with the fears and anxieties that are causing you so much pain.

If the first medication doesn't work then go back to the doctor and try something else. Or up the dose. Or try a combination of meds.  A good psychiatrist will know how to help you, but it requires feedback from you.  These kinds of meds require trial and error sometimes, before a person finds a good solution. 

There are a number of ways to get the ball rolling, depending on what kind of insurance you have.  You might start with your regular physician's office.  Call and tell the appointment person you need a referral to a psychiatrist and you're wondering if you need a referral from your doctor.  And don't let embarrassment or self consciousness keep you from doing this, this is the person's job.

You don't know the full extent of how much you're suffering because you are used to it.  You know it can be better, though.  I urge you to do this today. 

[journeymom]

What a fantastic update! 

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

These responses in particular have been SO helpful. My thyroid was overactive OFF THE CHARTS. Adrenal gland not functioning. Support for both of them & herbals for anxiety have brought me to a place of functioning. Since being able to function, I joined a local running club and went to a Holistic Parents meetup (meetup.com), and asked hubby to set up a double-play-date with a friend of his & family from work. I have three friends .  I know, I sound like a five year old. 

I now have standing appointments on Saturday mornings with my chiropractor, and actually I think his wife might become my 4th friend. LOL. Just having a couple people to text about the days events or to meet at a park for an hour or whatever makes such a HUGE difference, and I don't think I could have done it in the mental state I was in. I'm not all perfect and shiny now, but I can get out of bed and face my day. Thanks for the advice!

[PNWmama]

YAY!!! What a great update!  I know that thyroid and adrenal issues can cause so many problems in a person's life, both physically and mentally.  I'm so glad that you've found some health answers and are feeling better!  And yay for friends! It sounds like things are really turning around for the better and I'm so happy for you .

[enfpintj]

i  just read your thread and was going to put thyroid in big letters.  i'm so glad you are doing better.  it is amazing what a huge impact it has.  i became hyperthyroid this summer and still am not regulated and back to normal.  may i ask what you are taking that has you out running already?  my dr. is not the person i will keep going to.  what kind of person are you using?  i've hardly been able to move in 4 months.  i also wonder if the anxiety is better now that you are addressing the thyroid/adrenal stuff?  it makes me agitated and  anxious.

so glad you are making friends.  it's hard even in for extroverts and gets harder i think the older you are.  i also second the mother's helper.  i had a friendly librarian recommend the girl we used for several years.  she was a lifesaver.  i slept for the 1st 1 1/2 years when she came 6 hours a week.