I came to "Personal growth" because it seems more fitting than posting in EACH one of the areas I need to grow/improve in - which is just about everything. If you feel like a complete disaster (or have felt), WHERE DO YOU START?
Background: My life is amazing. I am married to my best friend, for 2 years, we have a delightful, pleasant, fun marriage. He is a knight in shining armor, no complaints. Seriously, if I *had* to name things that bother me about him it would be 1) he can't read my mind & 2) he cuts his toenails too much. We have 2 kids - 3 yo DS & 7 mo DD. They both nearly died at birth due to very different complications and survived to become healthy children. I'm a SAHM now because DH's new job covers what we both used to make combined. I'm a runner, and just completed my first half-marathon which was a major life goal.
I'm a medical disaster. I have celiac disease. I think I'm intolerant to just about everything, and have leaky gut. I also have lots of unexplained issues like chronic fatigue, sleeplessness, excessive weight loss (down to 111 lbs now) despite eating a carb-fat-protein balanced diet of nearly 3000 calories, chronic pain everywhere, especially in my knees and back, rapid heartrate/dizzy feeling and sometimes fainting. It's all I can do to make it through the day most of the time.
I think I have lots of mental problems, but I've never seen anyone so they're guesses. I think I have some strong OCD tendencies, as I need things to be pretty much perfect all of the time. People tell me all the time everything would be fine if I'd "just relax" but I can't. Along those same lines, I worry, and have a lot of anxiety, in a fashion I think is probably not normal. That is, I worry about everyone and everything all day everyday. I cannot do anything without worrying about what could be, I can't sit down for a cup of coffee without thinking about the finances I should be organizing, and I can't go to sleep without worrying about everything that happened that day and the list of things I'm praying to get to tomorrow. I think I might be depressed, although I don't really understand depression... because I am genuinely happy with my life, and the way things are, but I just can't *FEEL* happy.
I have no support. Ouch - sorry DH.... but really, we moved away from my mom&dad, MIL/FIL, GIL x 2, BIL/SIL, my siblings, my grandparents, our best friends (& my "niece"), etc. We know NOBODY here. We moved because my husband took a job in law enforcement - his dream job... just imagine; paranoid lady with cop husband and guns around her strongly sheltered kids....... . I am totally supportive of DH's job and am so happy for him; it really gives him a lot of joy. But it also gives him a huge support system that I DON'T have. He's gone 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, so I'm by myself with the kids all of that time, and then it's just the 4 of us the rest of the time. NO ONE else. As for the *go make friends* advice that he and everyone else is giving me .... read the above. Do I sound like a person who can just go make friends...??????
I was raped as a teenager, abused in the relationship prior to meeting DH, blindsided by doctor's bullstuff during both of my pregnancies that ended in horrifying births. I am currently breastfeeding DD & DS just "finished' (jesus, do they ever finish...?) potty training.
This is a small list - the major stuff. I have a lot more issues. The point is - my DH loves me so much and is trying so hard to help me and keeps saying things like "just see a doctor" "just get out there and meet some friends" "I just want you to feel better" ... and I'm sitting here like . I mean - I can clearly see all my problems and my need for help, but how the hell am I supposed to do that? Where do I START? How do I even find a doctor, or a whole slew of them it seems, in a place I don't know at all? Then once I find one, how do I go to these appointments? Take both kids? Sundays? I mean...???!!!!
Anything from anyone, would be helpful. TIA