Advice from anyone BTDT,alcoholic exh,restraining order,and visitation,mostly a vent

[muldey]

I finally was able to get a restraining order on my exh.He's an alcoholic,and would come to my house drunk,banging on the doors,screaming at me,would threaten me,try to break in,touch me inapropriatley,pass out and pee on my porch,and recently went after my dad with a big umbrella with a sharp point.He's homeless,but I gave the court the address of his nephew,and he was served there.I went to court yesterday,and surprisingly he showed up.I didn't speak to him,didn't even notice him until he said here when they called our names.It's hot here,and he was dressed in a thick leather jacket,and he just looked terrible.I noticed no one was sitting near him,so I'm sure he smelled bad too.I feel bad for him,but I cannot have him around us at all.After I took the stand and testified to what he has done,the judge asked him what he had to say.He said what I said was true.She asked him if he was seeking help.He said he was going to AA(he's said that many,many times before) and that he's on a waiting list for residential.I don't think he is,but whatever.So the judge asked me what I wanted to do.I said I wanted to extend the restraining order,so she did,for a year.

His nephew came by today,to tell me he kicked him out of his apartment.He came home from work,to find his door locked,and he heard the tv blaring.He knocked for 2 hours,then kicked his own door in.Exh was passed out on the floor,and had peed all over himself,his nephew's blanket,and the floor.Thankfully he wasn't on the bed!To top that off,he stole $10 of the rent money.I warned his nephew,but he thought he'd try to help exh.He's too far gone,the addiction has truly taken over. :(

So far he has not made any attempt to contact our dc.He has dd's cell phone number.So I don't know if he's going to try contacting my friend or something.I don't know how I would handle visits.I will not let him take them alone,he cannot come here,so maybe my dad could take the kids and meet him somewhere public,like the park.In our divorce agreement,I have full custody,but he has unlimited visitation,with the stipulation that he has not been drinking.I know dd,13yo,wants to see her daddy.Ds,10yo,doesn't seem to care.He says daddy's mean when he's drunk,and that he doesn't like him.I've explained to both dc that daddy is very sick,and that he needs to go into a place where he can live and they will help him.They are aware that he had a heart attack recently(at 36,he didn't even know it.the drs found scar tissue on an xray one of the many times the police took him to the hospital for being extremely drunk).Dd is afraid,as am I,that he could die.It's very sad.She is in therapy for this,and dealing with her autistic brother.Ds is in the process of another evaluation,so we can see what would be a good option for him.Exh can be such a good person,the man I married.It's just this addiction is so strong.

We have court again,on the 20th of September.This time for child support.Last time he was released after serving 30 days in prison for nonpayment(he hasn't paid in 3 years,and owes over $20,000).I'm afraid to take the bus,as he will be too.I have no other way of getting there,and no one to go with me.I don't know what I can do.I guess I can call the courts and see what I can do,if anything.

Thanks for reading.If you have any advice I'd love to hear it.I'm such a mess,I don't know what to feel,I feel just so numb.I just want to sleep or read,but I can't just do that,I have to take care of my dc,they need their mama more than ever right now.I'm afraid of ending up in the psych hospital again,and I CAN'T do that to my dc.I am in therapy,but she's having surgery and will be out for a few weeks.This really sucks.I can't even talk to my best friend,as she's going through hell right now(serious heart disease,diabeties,she got pulled over and lost her car due to no registration and insurance,her utilities are going to be shut off,can barely pay her rent and buy food,plus all the fines she's going to have for her car).I have her almost 7yo dd right now since she's having surgery tomorrow,so I don't want to bother her with this right now.I have no one else except my parents,who are hard to talk to. :(

[teraze]

I came across this post, read, and could not move on without letting you know there's someone out there rooting for you.  

[muldey]

Thank you!I just really needed to get that out.

[habitat]

So much love sent your way. You are SO strong, Mama.

[Halfasianmomma]

Holy cow mama, you're a warrior. I applaud you for continuing to look out for your children's wellbeing despite all the drama your X is bringing into your life.

I too am the ex-spouse of an alcoholic, but unlike your X, mine keeps his drinking/drugging under wraps. I have no doubt however that he will eventually end up homeless, friendless and in terrible shape since he refuses to admit he has a problem.

If there's anything I could recommend, it's getting support from people in Al-Anon, even if it's from online meetings. If there are people who know exactly what you are going through, it's people at Al-Anon.

*Big hugs* to you.

[sren]

You are a survivor of alcoholism and domestic violence.  "Warrior" is right! 

I have a restraining order against STBX and he sees the kids only in professionally supervised visitation.  The situation breaks my heart, but I have to work at remembering that I didn't cause it and can't fix it.  STBX is making the choices that continue this.  Recovery is an option.  Also, Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That, makes the point that the destruction/abuse is probably not caused by the drinking, although addiction is very harmful.  If so, why aren't all of the other alcoholics raging and attacking their loved ones?  Lots of mellow drunks out there.

You may not have to go to court alone.  My local women's shelter has DV advocates who came to court and stood up next to me in front of the judge.  I also go to their weekly DV support group.  I heartily second the rec for Alanon.  I was told to try 7 meetings before making my decision about whether to keep going.  It takes some getting used to.  Great tools to help me recover and also connect with a community for support.

You might find the Surviving Abuse forum helpful in addition to this one.  Hugs to you, warrior mama.

[muldey]

Thank you all!I will check out Alanon again,I went before but it seemed like I was an outsider,everyone knew each other and no one talked to me.Maybe I can try a different meeting.I will also check out that book,I'll see if it is available at my library.Does anyone know how I would go about getting supervised visitation?I know the courthouse does it.I will call the local domestic violence shelter on Monday to see if they can go with me to court.I didn't even think of that!

I'm actually scared for him right now.He has nowhere to go and we're expecting hurricane Irene tomorrow.But he made his choices,and he has to deal with them.It's just really sad. :(

Ds is terrified of the storm,so I'm not saying a word about his dad,as that will only make him so much worse.

I've been suffering from horrible anxiety.My chest is so tight,that my back is hurting.I'm exhausted,and on edge.Everything bothers me,except dd and ds.I seem to have unlimited patience with them,thankfully.Even when ds was flipping out in Target today,and my dad was getting really upset,I was more upset with my dad than ds.He's autistic,he has a hard time with crowds and wanting all the toys.Thankfully school starts soon and I can do my shopping without him.Now I just want to cry,but that's not happening.My anti anxiety meds(klonopin) make me so tired that I don't want to take them.I hope this feeling goes away soon.I have a long history of mental illness,and I'm trying to stop myself from getting out of control.It's hard when I have my parents yelling at me because I owe them money(school department requires uniforms for public school now,and where I could usually get their clothes second hand,I can't find their sizes in the required colors,plus they have to have specific shoes,so I borrowed to buy what they needed),ds's behaviors getting worse,dealing with exh(the restraining order helps that),my best friend's illness,just everything.It sucks.

[animegeekmom]

I dont really have any advice for you, I just wish you the best of luck. You are a very strong woman to be going thru this. I myself am a new single mom, have a restraining order out against my STBX. He cannot even see our boys...so it is a hard situation. They keep asking where he is, when he is coming back, and I dont know what to tell them. It breaks my heart. So, you do have someone else here thinking of you. I wish I could do more.

[sren]

Originally Posted by muldey 

Does anyone know how I would go about getting supervised visitation?I know the courthouse does it.

I'm actually scared for him right now.He has nowhere to go and we're expecting hurricane Irene tomorrow.But he made his choices,and he has to deal with them.It's just really sad. :(

The temporary protection order restrained STBX from coming near me or the kids. Then a week later we had the DV protection order hearing, and STBX was present. I testified about my concerns and asked for supervised visitation.   Then a       TYh  

Then when we had the hearing for temporary orders for legal separation, I asked for supervised visitation to be in the parenting plan.

So maybe you would need to follow the same procedure that you did to get the restraining order?

It has been hard for me to stay out of STBX's head.  I guess I am so used to trying to figure what he's thinking/feeling and helping to manage his decisions that it is a habit that needs breaking.  I am so fortunate to have been heard by the courts and received protection, but I am often arguing with myself about being "fair" to STBX.  I never thought this would be necessary, but I am learning to see that it is his choices that are driving this train, and he can change direction at any time. 

[MissLotus]

I feel for you, too, OP.  As much as it might seem like things are whirling out of control, you sound very coherent and caring.  It will take time for you to detach yourself emotionally from your ex's issues, but you are fully doing the right thing.  I would pursue supervised visitation before I'd let him see the kids - I think there need to be very real boundaries or the kids will be exposed to the same sorts of stuff again.  He just sounds, in no way, in shape to see the kids - it's not a punishment for anyone, he just isn't ready. 

I think the idea about seeing if someone from the domestic violence shelter will go with you to court is a great idea!  And remember that the situation, the way it is right now, is just temporary.  And you are still reeling from being embroiled in your ex's issues for so long, it'll take time to shake the cobwebs off.  But you will get there!