Help me think this through....

[childsplay]

Currently my three youngest are enrolled in a great little school where they'll be starting grades 2 and 3. I love the school, it's small, on a wooded lot, great teachers and small class sizes. DS has an IP already planned for him.

However, the social aspect is pretty bad. We live outside the school neighborhood for starters so our kids can't just 'go over to a friend's to play' without special arrangements, transportation etc being made.

Since being in that school we've hosted 5 birthday parties in total as well as 1 halloween party, 2 summer parties and 1 Christmas craft making party. We've always invited the whole class so no one gets left out.....and almost the whole class ALWAYS shows up.

Plus they have friends over at least once a week to swim and play during the summer, as well as invite a friend along on daytrips to beaches or sailing or museums or wherever.

To date, my 8 y/o has been invited to 4 birthday parties, he's had 2 away from home playdates. 2. My twins have had about 6 b-day invites and DD has had 3 or so away from home playdates. DS has not had any : ( This is with kids from that school mainly during the schoolyear.

They're NOT bad kids, they're polite, respectful, they have transportation, we buy cool b-day gifts(WHEN they're invited to a party) , etc. And I'm NOT overbearing, overprotective, too lax in supervision, I'm not annoying or rude (at least I hope not!) when I'm talking with the other Mom's I'm friendly, I listen to them, I make coffee or tea when they come over, and I know I'm not perfect but like I said to DH last night WTF is wrong with us/me?? And is it me? Am I the reason my kids don't have friends at school? And I'm wracking my brain trying to remember if I've offended anyone. Or if DH did, or if my kids did.

Recently we've had another school option open for us. It's a much bigger school, the classes have much higher numbers, the school yard is ok - no woods to play in though, but there is a nice sports field. We know a few families who's kids attend, and DS has friends from sailing school who will be going, plus the twin's 'summer friend's' go there. I don't know the teachers, bujt I haven't heard anything negative.

Downfall - I still have to drive them in the AM.

Plus- The kids they know seem to genuinley LIKE my children and have invited them over a lot this summer .  Actually, our house has been like a flop house all summer, there's always a gaggle of kids here, they sleep over or stay for supper. We were joking the other day about how we never know how many kids will be at the breakfast table on saturday mornings so we'd better keep a lot of pancake mix in the house : ) ( These sleepovers, dinners and fun times are being reciprocated by the other parents too so it's just a win win for everyone) These kids all go to this big school BTW.

Now I know school isn't all about social, but my kid's egos are just getting wrecked. (during the school year)  And I'm feeling wierd too, especially after I found out yesterday that DS's 'best' friend had a b-day party and didn't invite him : (  I'm just pissed and sad and I really don't want my kids feeling bad about themselves, because they're good kids. And I know they can make friends, this summer proves it.

But at the same time I'm so sad about possibly switching out of that school, we've worked so hard with DS (who has a learning dis.).

But on the flip side, he, who couldn't read, had an IP and went to daily resource for reading, brough home his sailing school report and read it to me! So that to me screams confidence! He's got friends, he's succeeding in something he loves and the reading just, well, I don't know. I guess it just 'clicked'. Maybe because he wasn't carrying as much stress?

Anyway, if you got through this you're awesome, I know it's garbled and rambly, I'm just trying to sort through this and get some unbiased opinions. DH and I are both pretty ticked off right now and I pretty much know what I want to do. I think. What I don't want to do is screw my kids up. I'm just thinking new school might equal clean slate. Same old school might equal same old crap.

[CarrieMF]

are the kids happy at school?  Do they play with kids at the school?

I'm not really sure what the issue is.  They've been invited to playdates & birthday parties. The only one who hasn't been invited to a playdate in the younger DS.  

Or is the issue that you're inviting EVERYONE & expect EVERYONE to invite you back?  

By Grades 2 & 3 kids stop invited everyone & start inviting those they play with & click with.  It is typical to go from many birthday parties to only having a handful a year.

I'm not sure why you had 5 birthday parties for 3 kids.

We don't do alot of playdates during the  year, we are just too busy. This year we will be living 10-15minutes out of town.  The friends my kids have are all very busy during the school year too.  In fact my  younger 2(grades 4 & 5) are in the same extra curricular activities(and groups) and we still can't get together because of how busy we all are.

socially it sounds like the kids are doing fine.  Nothing you've posted is even close to a red flag for switching schools.

[funkymamajoy]

I'm not sure I understand the issue here.

How exactly are your kids' egos getting wrecked? Unfortunately, in life, not everyone is going to like you. They do have friends though.

The students at my kids' school are fairly spread out geographicaly so playdates require arrangement and transportation as well and, no, we don't do many of them. I think we went to about 3 parties through the year (4 if you count the one we hosted).  

I would evaluate the new school based on the school itself

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I completely understand.  We just left a very similar situation, largely because of the social difficulties.  Living far away from the school (when virtually everyone else was in the immediate area) was compounded for us by being one of the few families on financial aid.  The kids felt excluded from everything -- they didn't do many playdates (while others in the class had them more days than not), despite my constantly trying to arrange them, offering to drive kids to and from, etc.  They also didn't play on the same sports teams so that was another way they were "different" from their classmates.  It went from being excluded from after-school events to being excluded during school as well.  For my son, that continued into outright bullying by most of the other boys in his class.  The small class size made it even worse because if you didn't fit with the 4-5 other boys/girls in the class there weren't any alternatives.

For us, we finally said "enough".  No amount of small class size, wonderful teachers and a great music program was going to make up for the kids feeling like they were un-likeable or "bad friends".  I really wish we had left sooner -- -maybe that would have kept my son from having severe anxiety and needing both medication and a counselor to get through the last year.

I think school is a lot about the social aspects.  And a bad social environment can completely short-circuit the best academic programs because it causes so much anxiety that the child can't learn.  In your shoes, I would seriously consider changing schools, though I would ask you kids how they felt about the social atmosphere first.  If they are happy, you are probably good.  If they are saying how unhappy they are, its time to try something else.

[childsplay]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF 

are the kids happy at school?  Do they play with kids at the school?

I'm not really sure what the issue is.  They've been invited to playdates & birthday parties. The only one who hasn't been invited to a playdate in the younger DS.  

Or is the issue that you're inviting EVERYONE & expect EVERYONE to invite you back?  

By Grades 2 & 3 kids stop invited everyone & start inviting those they play with & click with.  It is typical to go from many birthday parties to only having a handful a year.

I'm not sure why you had 5 birthday parties for 3 kids.

We don't do alot of playdates during the  year, we are just too busy. This year we will be living 10-15minutes out of town.  The friends my kids have are all very busy during the school year too.  In fact my  younger 2(grades 4 & 5) are in the same extra curricular activities(and groups) and we still can't get together because of how busy we all are.

socially it sounds like the kids are doing fine.  Nothing you've posted is even close to a red flag for switching schools.

We've had 5 birthday parties since the kids have been in school, 3 for older DS which is one per year, and 2 for the twins (one for turning 6, one for turning 7) . And I definately don't expect everyone to invite them back but when their so called best friends have birthday parties and invite most of the classmates - the ones who live in the same neighborhood - but exclude my kid I think it's strange.

They do play at school, we had some bullying issues in the past but they've been resolved.

[childsplay]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom 

I completely understand.  We just left a very similar situation, largely because of the social difficulties.  Living far away from the school (when virtually everyone else was in the immediate area) was compounded for us by being one of the few families on financial aid.  The kids felt excluded from everything -- they didn't do many playdates (while others in the class had them more days than not), despite my constantly trying to arrange them, offering to drive kids to and from, etc.  They also didn't play on the same sports teams so that was another way they were "different" from their classmates.  It went from being excluded from after-school events to being excluded during school as well.  For my son, that continued into outright bullying by most of the other boys in his class.  The small class size made it even worse because if you didn't fit with the 4-5 other boys/girls in the class there weren't any alternatives.

For us, we finally said "enough".  No amount of small class size, wonderful teachers and a great music program was going to make up for the kids feeling like they were un-likeable or "bad friends".  I really wish we had left sooner -- -maybe that would have kept my son from having severe anxiety and needing both medication and a counselor to get through the last year.

I think school is a lot about the social aspects.  And a bad social environment can completely short-circuit the best academic programs because it causes so much anxiety that the child can't learn.  In your shoes, I would seriously consider changing schools, though I would ask you kids how they felt about the social atmosphere first.  If they are happy, you are probably good.  If they are saying how unhappy they are, its time to try something else.

Yes. We're going to talk with them tonight and see how they feel. I just feel like I've worked my butt off arranging playdates, planning parties and so on and for what? Where this summer they've made a new group of friends will little effort on my part, these new friends are nice, their folks are nice, and we've been splitting the playdates and driving almost 50/50.

I just don't want to hear my son coming home from school crying that everyone hates him or telling me that so and so called DD a bad name, etc .

I'm leaning toward team 'enough'.

* And I'm sorry your kids went through that, it's an awful thing, bullying is.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

For what its worth, we have just finished the first week at new schools.  My DS was always going to transition to middle school this year, which is why we "stuck it out" last year.  While I wouldn't expect him to have a best friend after 3 days of school, he does say he is more comfortable and feels like he fits in better than he did last year.  He's excited that some of the after school clubs start next week and is hoping to make some friends there.  My DD was very nervous about moving to a different (and much much larger) school but already says she feels more comfortable and better about the new school than the old.  She has already found people to play with at recess and sit with at lunch.  So we are on the right track and I feel pretty good about our decision.  Of course, I will also acknowledge that its only the first week, so we'll see.

[mattemma04]

I would recommend trying the new school. My kids have been at a Montessori school for 3 years now,and while kids are nice there is NO contact outside of school. If they stopped going there I doubt anyone would call. After the first year I  hoped there would be some get togethers on the weekends or during the summer,but aside from birthday invites all other contact is declined.

It is frustrating when you want the kids to develop more than just a school friends and yet it just doesn't happen. I am ready to move on as well. Wishing yor kids the best whatever you decide.

[CarrieMF]

We've had 5 birthday parties since the kids have been in school, 3 for older DS which is one per year, and 2 for the twins (one for turning 6, one for turning 7) .

That makes sense, the way I read it before was that the 5 parties were in 1 year.lol

 

One thing to consider, if 2 of your kids are happy & 1 isn't then putting the 1 that isn't into a different school.  

[childsplay]

Thanks ladies : ) We spoke with the kids yesterday, but since we have yet to confirm with the new school we left it open. We just asked them "how do you all feel about heading back to ______ school? " to which they all answered not good, and various grievences about not having any friends and no one to play with, everyone is mean,etc. and "what would make you guys feel happier or less worried? " which they answered 'go to a different school', 'do school at home' and 'move to Mexico'.

We ended by letting them know that we're going to work hard to help them this year, but I'm not going to promise them the new school until after tomorrow when I register them.

[swd12422]

Hmmm. Mexico.... ;-)

I'm so sorry they're going through this. At least they have each other, so they can have some clue that it isn't "them," it's the other kids. My sister had similar issues growing up, and it really affected her self-esteem. Even if the kids end up staying at that school, help them focus on their "real" friends outside of school and hopefully that will help them feel better.

And things can change drastically from one year to the next, too. (IDK if they have already started the new school year yet...) My neighbor just told me a story about her (now-grown) son who had a bullying issue. He was "sorta friends" with this kid one year, but by the next year, the kid decided to start picking on my neighbor's son. I think the kids were in 4th or 5th grade at the time. The poor kid went through the whole year being picked on and bullied by this other kid, being threatened and challenged to fight, etc. My neighbor went to the school board and demanded they be separated. The school board said they'd make sure the kids were in separate classrooms the following year. Sure enough, they got put in the same class after my neighbor's kid spent an entire summer worrying about seeing the bully again and being assured he wouldn't be in his class. He panicked, and didn't want to start school when he found out. So his mom told him to basically "kill with kindness" and just approach the kid in a friendly way, ask how his summer was, and if the kid was mean, he should just kindly say, "Oh, let's not treat each other that way this year." Apparently, he didn't even have to do that. He just said, "Hey, how was your summer? What did you do? Did you go on vacation?" and they got along fine the rest of the year. Maybe not best friends, but they talked and played together and got along.

Maybe the other kids feel awkward b/c your kids don't live near them and they don't know what to make of it? Maybe they feel your kids should be the more open/outgoing ones? I know you have done a great job with the invites, but maybe more conversation at school would help? If they're shy at school and don't approach the other kids readily, then just send out invites to parties, maybe the other kids don't understand. Just a thought....

[ameliabedelia]

IME, especially during elementary ages, I think a lot of playdates outside of school are set up between children who see each other outside school regularly...either because they live in the same neighborhood or are in the same activities or sports, go to the same church, etc. I do think it's hard for kids to make close friends (and for the parents to set up playdates) if the kids only see each other at school.   If the kids are in school together, and also in soccer together or cub scouts or church or gymnastics or  live on the same street or  whatever, then not only did the kids get to see each other more, but the parents also get to see each other more.  It is much easier to set up a playdate when the parents know each other and have times to chat together (say during soccer games or outside gymnastics or after cub scouts or whatever).

Anyway, I guess my point is, I don't think you are purposely being excluded or that you offended anyone...it could be just that they consider other children to be "better friends" because they see them more outside of school and the parents know each other so it's easier to arrange a get together.

[beanma]

Childsplay, when does the new school year start for you?

We had a similar situation thrust upon us. Our small private school folded unexpectedly over the summer and we opted to enroll in our local public elementary and so far (a week and a half) it's been a great transition. The kids already knew several other kids who go there and luckily have some kids they know in each of their classes. It's much bigger than the school where we were and dd2 did actually have a very close friend (go over to her house, have sleepovers, etc) at the small private school, but they're doing dance class together this year so we're able to stay in touch. Dd1 had many school friends at the old school and really loved it, but she didn't have any sleep-over-worthy. come have a playdate friends. She's a quirky one, but she has a wider pool of kids to choose from now. I really like being physically closer to the school and feeling more a part of the larger community. We had a great school community at the private school and I do miss that and wonderful teachers, but now school is almost w/in walking distance and in the middle of town. I feel a little more connected over all. 

I say go for the new school and I hope you all enjoy it!