Transtioning question

[Marcimama]

We are leaving in a week to go get our internationally adopted 4 yo son.
He has always lived with hi loving grandma, her health is not good, even currently. But, I have got hugely conflicting advice about how we ought to transition him.

I figure this is more close to a foster type transition, than what is common in IA.

One friend of mine (who has two IA children) is adamant that if we transition slowly and maintain contact with his grandma he will experience attachment issues.

I can't can't see us sweeping him off and never being in contact with them.

It is our plan to visit on their turf for several days, take him on a few day trips and then have him start staying with us, and go back to see them often until we leave.

Are we off on this?

Cuz in reality we love his grandma dearly and it would really grieve me if I couldn't keep in contact with her... How could that really be a bad thing for him to have bio and adoptive families to love on him???

[sagewinna]

When we transitioned our future adopted dd home this summer we started with visits at the foster home, then foster mom brought her for a visit at our house, then she had increasingly longer visits at our house until she was home for good. It was kind of fast, about a week and a half, due to complications with the foster family's schedule, but it worked well for us. We have a framed photo of her foster family on her dresser and at first she kissed it goodnight every night and held it a lot. She loves them and they love her.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I would absolutely remain in contact and transition slowly.  There is nothing wrong with you son still loving and knowing his grandma.

[pumpkingirl71]

I am really surprised by your friends reaction.  A slow transaction usually best.  But please to try to remember that circumstances get out of your control.  In our case, we planned a slow transition.  But our daughter came home with pneumonia and then her foster mother got sick.

If you can, try to take lots of pictures and talk to the grandmother a lot about your son's baby and toddlerhood.  If she is comfortable, I would even videotape some. 

[lauren]

I agree with others, it is most often best practice to maintain those connections and attachments. Wishing you the best with this transition!

[tiffani]

I know you probably won't see this for months, but how are you all doing marci?  hugs!!!!!

[Marcimama]

Haha, Tiffani! Yes. It has been awhile.

Here is our little update:

We are still in UG and just received our visa today! It has been a struggle on that front, but a nearly perfectly sweet transition for us.

We went with our gut about a slow transition (sort of) and have maintained contact several times a week with his grandma. It wasn't as slow as we first planned, but mainly because he really took to my husband! It was really sweet to see how they bonded quickly. It was more "child lead" than planned out and we felt good about having him come stay with us just seeing his excitement for it.

We have gone back to see grandma many times, and it has been good too. I noticed that he does stay close to me, at times I have encouraged him to go play with his friends (that all run around and play together) and he does so happily, but then comes back after a few minutes.

The only sort of bad thing that happened was that is grandma decided it would be "funny" to tell him he had to stay with them for 2 days and I would come back for him... all not in english of course. He got this panicked look and just stared at me... like he was waiting to see what I would do. Then they told me what they had said (and they were laughing about his reaction). I told them to please tell him they were joking. And I grabbed his hand. Poor boy still acted afraid until we got in the car to leave, then he slyly looked over at me with a big smile. I could have shot them for saying that... But I think it both affirmed to us that we belong together now. But still, really peeved about that one!

He's had a nearly ideal transition... at least so far.

I keep anticpating it all crashing down. But he has a really easy going temperment and I do think has been treated with love most of his life.

Honestly food has been our biggest struggle. He is slightly picky and really just wants simple UG food. Anything "normal" for us is really strange to him. And if he doesn't like it it will not pass those lips! :-)

Language has been both fun and at times wears me out... but really it isn't even worth mentioning, except that I am beginning to think he knows way more english than he is willing to use. He doesn't like to copy and is soft spoken even in his birth language. But I think that is just who he is.

Him and I are bonding slowly, but in good strides each day. I think we are understanding each other more and more and I think he guenuinly likes me. Which is nice to know, as a mom. :-)

And to be honest, I sort of hate to write this, mainly because it is NOT the norm and what we have prepared for. And who knows, it could all "hit the fan" tomorrow. But I do think "older child" adoption can be a really sweet and easy thing... sometimes. 

Hey... and know if it all does break down I will commit to update that too.

Now getting home... the next phase begins.

With that, any ideas on how to minimize fear in public places/strange places?

Our little guy does really clam up in unknown places... like going to the embassy seemed like torture for him... he wouldn't say a word, is slightly unemotional, and gets an overwhelmed/scared look. 

Normally, he chatters on, sings, and is very carefree acting. 

I just know that the airports, airplanes and stuff might be fightening to him. 

We are not doing the whole "airport party" thing for this very reason (not to dig on those that do), but he hates it when strangers are all up in his face and asking him questions... so why would we create that environment as he first gets home... tired and overwhelmed any way? 

Oh dear, wrote a book, didn't I.

 

[tiffani]

Hey Marci!

I know you've been home for a bit now, but I just saw this today!  Things will get easier and also more difficult, as time goes on... I have always heard that kiddos often go through a rough patch right around the one-year-home-mark, and I thought that was crazy, since they obviously aren't checking the calendar, but we are going through a rough patch and our one-year adoptaversary is coming up in a couple of weeks!  we've been busy with guests, friends, etc lately, and we're spending this weekend mostly just with our family, as we clearly need a good solid bonding weekend. ;-)   Just today I was thinking "he was so much easier when we first got home (except for food issues) I feel like I have "wrecked" him in some way!"... but I think it's just all part of the process -- the dance of attachment is long and complicated! ;-)

[Marcimama]

Thank you! I love how as you get to know someone better and better it seems "harder", but really it is just because you know them more... the good, bad and ugly. 

All relationships are that way. And, I am sure our negatives will "rub off on him" eventually... or that he will feel more comfortable being demanding and rude ;-) like typical kids do.

But for now we are all enjoying this season.

Actually, I am the one having issuses getting adjusted back to "normal" life. It is my "uglies" that are effecting everyone. Jetlag and PMS are an ugly combo!

But also we are having some amazing sweet times. 

In school today (at home) I pulled each kid individually and did there letter activity privately with them... we need more of that right now.