Giftedness and discipline - I think we need help here!

[Triniity]

Hi, 

I think my DD is a gifted child for different reasons. She is five years now, and it is getting more and more difficult to parent her. Positively and lovingly. I mean she is dead-cute and really funny, but really, really spirited as well. 

She does not listen to us (parents), can be difficult in kindergarten and is quite intense. 

I was a gifted child as well, but I had a lifethreatening disease at her age, so my energy was way below hers (at least at that age) - but I do remember how many thoughts I had and how I did not feel understood by my parents and always felt soooo lonely. 

I want to parent her right. I am thinking what kind of sign she is sending me that she is misbehaving all the time, being intentionally mean with her brother, telling him to do things that are clearly forbidden, and I think she does it for the entertainment factor. 

How do I get her more occupied and everything? Do you think more work would help her? If so, what kind of work? She is not in school yet, since in germany one starts school at six, besides I feel that she is not emotionally ready and should really have some playtime, but maybe that´s a mistake... 

I guess I need some advise!

Thanks!

[whatsnextmom]

For starters, I think it's important not to "excuse" any behavior because of giftedness (and I'm not suggesting you've been doing that... I'm just sharing cautionary advice based on my own observations of people in my life.) Yes, gifted children in innapropriate environments can cause them to act out. However, there is no excuse for cruelty towards her brother and asking him to do forbidden things (which I can only assume are things that put him in danger) has nothing to do with being gifted or under-stimulated.

It could be she's a spirited child. My youngest is spirited and he did require a lot of "special handling" in the younger years that I sort of had to learn as I went along. I highly reccomend the book "Raising your Spirited child."

How much structure does she have? Yes, in a perfect world, our kids would all be happy playing from dawn until dusk but some kids really crave more structure in their day. Try getting out of the house for stimulating fieldtrips that will both engage her mind and wear her out physically.

[Triniity]

No, she is actually not putting him into danger, I would get very clear about that. More into danger of getting into trouble with me, things like: Why don´t you try your new marker at the living room window, that would look really nice! Or, "Why don´t you get us a couple of ice pops out of the fridge while I´ll wait for you."

She has quite a lot of structure since she spends her days in kindergarten, I´ll pick them up around three to four. And - I am pregnant and in the moment very, very tired and weak, not active at all (maybe due to anaemia, I am not sure, see my doctor on monday) and her dad has ADD, so this must add to the problem. 

I actually have this book ... somewhere ... I´ll have another read!

[OTMomma]

We tend to say that my son doesn't get bored, he gets into trouble- it sounds like you might have one of those, too. My best technique is to plan activities to keep him occupied, so today I might give him play dough for a while with lots of tools to go with it while I clean, tomorrow I will get out a set of legos, the next might be painting.

[MomofSev]

Also, maybe try to schedule time where she can have your undivided attention for a period of time each day. Something that she can rely on daily.. like daily story time with just her? or an art activity that you do with just her? She may be doing this for attention and not because of ADD or giftedness or anything else, just older sibling actions.

[Triniity]

I would love one-on-one time only with her, but how can you do this? She may totally do this for attention, in fact I am qite sure she does, I am just not sure what to do about it. It may well be that giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with it...

momofsev (Mom of seven? wow!) do you get to give them undivided attention, and how? I mean, I cannot put DS into the closet while I am having one-on-one time with DD. 

(I am a bit of a mess right now, anyway)

[MomofSev]

My son's name is Sevren...I do NOT have seven kids.. :) I am NOT that brave.. hahah :)

Is there anything you can do with your son that allows him to play with himself so you can give her undivided attention? Do you have a significant other to help?

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by Triniity 

I would love one-on-one time only with her, but how can you do this? She may totally do this for attention, in fact I am qite sure she does, I am just not sure what to do about it. It may well be that giftedness has absolutely nothing to do with it...

momofsev (Mom of seven? wow!) do you get to give them undivided attention, and how? I mean, I cannot put DS into the closet while I am having one-on-one time with DD. 

I'm a mom of four. It's a challenge, but some kids really need you to meet it. 

Nap times. If your younger kids nap, use that time with your older kid for quality one-on-one, rather than to catch up on housework or to grab a shower. If your younger kids don't nap, see if you can get them on a different sleep/wake schedule than your older kid. So if, for example, your older kid needs 9 hours of sleep and your younger ones need 10 or 11, use the extra hour or two a day when the older one is still awake, for one-on-one time. If the kids all need just 9 hours, put the younger ones to bed earlier, keep the older one up an extra hour, but have her get up later in the morning. Or vice versa. Use the time after siblings are in bed, or before they're up, for your special time. Establish a tradition of a morning walk, or morning story, or muffins and herbal tea together, or at night time for story, or lying in the backyard in sleeping bags stargazing and chatting, or doing a flashlight walk around the neighbourhood.

Daddy times. If you have a partner who is home at least some of the time, divide and conquer the kids. Assign dad to take the 2-year-old to the park for 45 minutes after dinner, or to manage the nightly bath, while you spend some special time with the older one. If he's got weekends off, you can alternate mommy and daddy "dates," where you go somewhere special with various combinations of parents and children ... daddy and older kid, mommy with younger kid(s), or switch it up, and go out for hot chocolates or ice cream, down to the railyard to look at trains, to a park for a nature walk, out along the edge of the trunk road for some litter-picking. 

If the kids' dad is not involved, or if, like my dh, is gone for long stretches, you may have to hire a mother's helper or a babysitter in lieu of "daddy time." I did this for a couple of years. It started out as a way to help me work at home, but I also used the sitter to stay with two or three of the kids while I took the other one or two for some special time.

We're still doing this sort of thing. It's way easier now that the three older kids (teens or almost teens) are old enough to be left without parents. Yesterday dh and ds went for a Cessna ride over the mountains (color me jealous!), eldest dd and I went with my sister to the beach to chat, today I'm taking younger dd out for Italian sodas and elder dd has gone for a hike with dh. I often get special time with middle dd in the mornings as she's first up. We 'celebrate' being early birds by making decaf lattés and sitting out on the deck enjoying them togehter.

Good luck finding what works for you!

Miranda