It´s getting worse - and DH is not able to cope ...

[Triniity]

I hope someone has suggestions...I getting worse everyday, although nothing is really wrong with me, (except this infections and stuff) I have been on antibiotics which got my mouth all open and eating painful, so I´ll probably eat less than I should (but I try). I am anaemic (but not too severe ... around 9 mg/dl) did not yet start iron supplements, since I am feeling sick anyway. My bloodpressure is pretty low, but not that much lower than what is normal in pregnancy. Still, I am feeling so weak, I cannot even get up to fix myself something proper to eat, I cannot look after the kids, I cannot even read to them (they don´t sit still while I am reading, so it´s not just reading) or do other quiet stuff with them. 

And the worst: My DH is getting really annoyed with me. Asking me to get up and help him with the kids, and that he cannot do everything on his own. 

I do acknowledge that it is a lot of work, and I am worried and sad and everything, but I cannot change it, and I don´t know what to do, and I don´t know how to help him without having the energy to take a shower. And he gets really mean at times. 

I feel really bad about the situation, and I want to be happy and everything. He gives me the feeling that it was such an egoistic decision to get pregnant and be in this condition now. 

I think, I need a bit of encouragement. 

[Kindermama]

What kind of infection do you have? 

Putting myself in your position, I would be having a hard time staying positive if my DH was feeling overwhelmed and saying things that aren't very supportive. All you can do is not take it personally which also means you can't be telling yourself those things either! You're growing another human being---it's a big deal! 

I have low BP and anemia and I have to say the iron supplements are helping..as well as the Vit D supplements (mine was low). Even with the supplements, I still feel exhausted every few days. I get up at 8am and I'm back asleep at 10am. My husband works nights (thank goodness) but if he didn't, I wouldn't hesitate to pull out the videos or buy new toys just to keep the kids entertained so I can sleep. Take care of yourself, Mama! 

Do you have any friends or family close by that can help your DH while you are down and out? 

[Triniity]

I have recurrent UTIs and bugs at the cervix swabs, just finished the fifth course of antibiotics. (I am trying a bunch of things now to keep the immunesystem up) 

Kids are at Daycare in the week, so it´s not even that much, that he has to do with them (and not that he does a lot of housework either). 

[MarineWife]

GBS at your cervix? if that's it, why are you taking antibiotics now? studies show that doesn't reduce the chance of having it at birth. the antibiotics may be making you feel so run down. that's what happened to me when i took some for a sinus infection. have you explained that to your dh?

if you are anemic, even mild, you really need to start the iron. i was slightly anemic and had no energy. within a couple of days of starting the liquid herbal iron i had tons of energy back. low iron is dangerous to your developing baby, too. it's not something to take lightly.

if my dh were acting like that while i was pg and anemic and sick and on meds, i'd tell him to kiss my effing ass. seriously, tell him to stop being a selfish, spoiled brat, grow up, and act like a real man.

[cameragirl]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

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if my dh were acting like that while i was pg and anemic and sick and on meds, i'd tell him to kiss my effing ass. seriously, tell him to stop being a selfish, spoiled brat, grow up, and act like a real man.

[hildare]

yeah that.  the only advice i have is maybe you could take him to a dr visit with you and ask the midwife/ob/doc what you should be able to expect to feel like doing based upon what all you've got going on and letting him hear it from that person?  maybe that'd wake him up a little.  it kind of peeves me when i see other people think that it's a big imposition for daddy to perform lots of/half of/most of the child care and caring activities.  i don't get that and it's hard for me to comprehend. 

can you get some books on cd/tape for quiet reading time activity?  that might be fun to try for them. 

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by hildare 

it kind of peeves me when i see other people think that it's a big imposition for daddy to perform lots of/half of/most of the child care and caring activities.  i don't get that and it's hard for me to comprehend.

It majorly peeves me. Daddy made at least half the effort to make those children. Nothing is ever really done 50/50 in a relationship. Sometimes one partner does more and the other does less. At another time the tables (should) usually switch.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

It majorly peeves me. Daddy made at least half the effort to make those children. Nothing is ever really done 50/50 in a relationship. Sometimes one partner does more and the other does less. At another time the tables (should) usually switch.

This is such a good point.  I didn't realize this for a long time, and when I did a whole lot of resentment just slipped away.  OP, I hope you can convey this idea to your dh some how. 

I think it might help if you could sit and talk with him sometime and ask him what he's feeling, and ask him to be honest.  He's probably not being honest with himself.   Listen patiently, bite your tongue, because I predict he's going to sound pretty whiny and selfish.  If you can, answer him by saying something like, "Yeah, it's been pretty rough hasn't it?  Our kids are at a really demanding age, and here your wife is not working on all cylinders, lol!  But I don't know if you understand how ill I am.  To be honest, it almost seems like you don't believe it? " 

I know it seems like you shouldn't have to say these things.  

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

if my dh were acting like that while i was pg and anemic and sick and on meds, i'd tell him to kiss my effing ass. seriously, tell him to stop being a selfish, spoiled brat, grow up, and act like a real man.

Well, I completely agree with your take.     He's being utter childish and selfish, and needs his butt kicked.  But I don't think it will help the OP one bit if she actually says this to him.  Frankly, if she takes high road while she engages him, he'll be plenty ashamed of himself, if he ever 'gets it'.

Originally Posted by Triniity  And he gets really mean at times. 

This is concerning.  Could you please be more specific? 

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Well, I completely agree with your take.     He's being utter childish and selfish, and needs his butt kicked.  But I don't think it will help the OP one bit if she actually says this to him.  Frankly, if she takes high road while she engages him, he'll be plenty ashamed of himself, if he ever 'gets it'.

How, exactly, one does this depends on the relationship and the personalities involved. My point was that no one should be subjected to that kind of behavior (abuse?), especially while sick and pregnant. If someone is treating you that way, you need to stand up for yourself. Sometimes being diplomatic as you suggest works. Sometimes it doesn't and you just have to tell the other person off. That's been my experience, anyway.

i would be so angry if my dh behaved that way that i would not be able to react diplomatically.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

i would be so angry if my dh behaved that way that i would not be able to react diplomatically.

Totally.  I might not either.  But coaching, imagining it in your head, practicing it, it all helps.

OP, I re-read your post because I don't think I was getting right. 

And the worst: My DH is getting really annoyed with me. Asking me to get up and help him with the kids, and that he cannot do everything on his own.  ...  I do acknowledge that it is a lot of work,

MarineWife is right.  You need to counter this BS every single time he hands it to you.   Because I don't know your dh and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt,  I just can't figure out how he has the nerve to be annoyed when you ask for help.  That's not even logical, much less compassionate husband-like behavior.  So does he simply not believe you're as ill as you are?  Next time he complains about having to do something, ask him straight up, "do you think I'm faking how poorly I feel?" 

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

But coaching, imagining it in your head, practicing it, it all helps

this is true.

i hope things have gotten better.

[hildare]

eh, i would rather wait till OP clarifies what she means.  my dh, too, though he does pretty much full time daytime caring for the kid will get cranky and spout off a little "i can't do it all myself" kind of vent from time to time..  but i am not in OP's situation, and, too, she is asking for help.  i don't know if making her feel bad/worse about her dh not doing so much is the best thing (and i know i was one in my original post to this thread to do so-- sorry).  OP, can you clarify?  is your dh giving you a venty complaint or is he actually mean?  how much of the care are you expecting from him/is he actually doing?

[Jaimee]

I agree that the AB's could be making everything worse and not solving the problem.  If you're on the fifth course and you're still infected, it's time to move on to other treatments b/c each round of AB's is making the infection stronger, clearly.  AB's do quite a number on your system.  I would suggest getting on some probiotics immediately.  And not just cheap ones from any store, but really good ones.  I second with pp's have said about getting on iron pronto as well.  You could start with Floradix and see if that does the trick and if it isn't enough to raise you levels, then get on supplements.  Taking care of yourself is paramount, especially when you're pregnant and trying to mother other children. 

As for your dh, I would also like to know how severe things are.  Is he just making insensitive comments or are they quite nasty?  My dh does a lot around the house: working fulltime, grocery shopping, a lot of the cooking, taking out the garbage, doing the bills, etc. and he still finds time to involve the kids in errands or activities.  I am exhausted a lot and still dealing with nausea.  Sometimes he lets slip a comment like, "I can't do everything around here!" or "I do so much for you!" or "I do a whole lot more than most husbands/fathers do!"   It really, really rubs me the wrong way.  I think it's SO easy for them to forget that not only are you taking care of the kids most of the time, cooking, cleaning, running errands, doing whatever else you do, but you also GROWING a person.  It's largely invisible work and no man will ever truly get how exhausting it is.

I think the suggestion of taking your dh to an OB/midwife appointment is a good one.  Let a medical authority explain why you are feeling like you are and what accomodations need to be made for your health right now.  Maybe that will help open up lines of communication between the two of you to figure out how to better handle things at home.  Maybe chores need to be divvied up differently.  Or you need some sort of a code/system to better communicate when you're feeling really awful and need extra help without having to literally ask for it.  Maybe some outside help needs to be brought in until you're feeling better, like a babysitter or a housecleaner.  You could hire a high schooler to be a mother's helper or to run some basic errands for you.  Are you involved in any community groups like parenting yahoo groups, LLL, API, or religious groups that could set up a food tree or help tree for you until you get back on your feet?

((HUGS)) mama!  I hope it gets better soon.

[Triniity]

Sorry for not posting so long!  I kind of missed the updates... mmh. 

What I meant with him being mean is, that he is quite frankly mean. He is not always like this, just when he feels overwhelmed by the kids and everything. Than he tells me to get into hospital so that he would not have to look after me (which he is not doing anyway, I mean, there is nothing he has actually to do for me, except maybe a back rub at night or something like this) 

He is immensely stressed at the moment, though. His boss is totally uncaring, he just tried to make him work shifts, which would be totally not possible, because I cannot handle the kids alone bedtime and nighttime and mornings. It was a huge thing with a conference at work were all his supervisors and his boss would discuss the situation (telling him that he needs to organize his private life better). Luckily, he was postponed from this shift working post, but apparently his boss started talking about firing him. Great. I am feeling so much better now. :(

My DH ADD does not make the situation any easier. He is like a hurricane, leaving chaos all around him, plus winding the kids up. And than he gets all caught up into some stupid things like our nashi tree (he did some really dangerous moves trying to pick all the nashis from the tree, although I have no idea who will prepare them, anyway - but I guess thats a different thing.

I don´t thing that he does it at all on purpose, this being overwhelmed and stressed, it´s just, that I cannot really help him, there is nobody in our family or surrounding who helps us and it´s just a nightmare. (our neighbors, who are really nice and friends and usually willing to help all the time have a sister dying from brain cancer, they would need help, too!) 

I just can´t get any better, it appears that I have another UTI now, but we are not treating it with abs, I am taking prebiotics, cranberrie extract, iron, magnesium and Lactobacillus locally and orally. The doctors just tell me to wait and everything, I just feel that I cannot go on like this for much longer (not that I can do anything, anyway. :( )

[birdhappy85]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much. I'm thinking about you and I hope that things get better!

I've been stressed out to the max throughout my pregnancy and although it didn't help much earlier on for people to be telling me "just ____ more months and it'll be over" -- it is helping me now as I know I'm in the home stretch. So hopefully you can rest assured with that too. Only a few more months! Then the joy of the new baby will take over and I'm sure you and your husband will connect some more. My husband and I got really disconnected for a while there and were at each other's throats. I thought the world was ending. But we just had to have a really deep talk about things and spend a day out together to focus on our relationship and reconnect. I know you have children in the picture, so could it help if you spent a day out as a family just blocking out all stressors like work and arguments, just focusing on each other without distractions? I don't know if you can financially swing it, but maybe going out to a hotel with a pool for one night would help. For some reason, just that little effort for DH and I to go to a museum, drive along the Chicago lakefront, eat dinner together, and sleep over in a hotel just really reminded us that the stuff we've been stressed out over is meaningless and we have an addition to the family to be excited over. It also lifted me up so much in the moment, I forgot how crappy I was feeling from the pregnancy. Hubby needed a break from stressing out over being the sole breadwinner right now and carrying the weight of our family on his shoulders. It's important for men to feel appreciated. Even though I needed to be built up because of how hard pregnancy has been, I had to put aside my needs sometimes and really show him how appreciative I am of his hard work. That tends to make him act more responsible just unconsciously.

I hope that you guys can get through this and that you'll find some peace in the midst of all of the chaos right now! You deserve it!!! *hug*

[Psmythe]

I would suggest two things: 

Just like anytime someone is sick, you'd be surprised how many people would be willing to 'take a shift.'  When my elbow was broken we had a friend volunteer to stay full time, his work schedule was opposite of my husbands, so I had a near 'round the clock baby lifter.  They both had to work on Thursdays though, and other friends would drop in for an hour or two at the crunch times (for you maybe meal/bedtimes?).  Now the full timer only works if you have the space for a house-guest and some friends/retired aunts with no other responsibilities, but maybe a relative or friend would be willing to do a day a week here and there?

If you don't have a person like that in your life that's nearby enough to pitch in would it be in your means to hire a Doula?  A lot of them do pre-natal care in addition to the post partum help, they're trained to care for mommies.  You can sometimes find volunteer doulas who are completing an amount of hours as a sort of internship for their certification.

My husband has been fantastic, and we still find ourselves snapping at each other some, and me feeling guilty that I can't do everything I'm used to doing.  It's so emotionally draining to feel this way.  I send you good feeling, and ask that you give yourself permission to not feel bad about yourself for something you can't change at the moment.