3YO always missing daddy

[MunchiesMom]

My 3YO DS has been waking up really early, frantically searching for daddy and I'm not sure how to help him.

I'm a SAHM and DS and I used to sleep in until 9 am and didn't move a muscle as daddy walked out the door for work. Suddenly something has changed! Every time DS hears that shower running, he springs from a deep sleep and get down from bed to go watch daddy take a shower. This is at like 6 am, so DS has 7 hours of sleep since we stay up late.

We've tried running fans, shutting more doors, anything to muffle the noise and help DS sleep in longer. No luck.

There have even been a few night where DS will sit up in bed (like a 2 am) calling for his dad. We cosleep and each time my husband mumbles "Honey I'm right here - on the other side of mommy."

I guess I have two concerns...

1. How do I help DS keep sleeping longer and not feel so frantic that his dad is going to work?

2. Where is this separation anxiety coming from? How can I help him get through this?

[MunchiesMom]

Anyone?!

[Chris Elias28]

Hi MunchiesMom,

I understand why this is upsetting to you and I am sorry that you are going through this hurdle.  But, this too shall pass. I wonder if preparing your son for your husband's departure to work, rather than trying to muffle the noise and get him to sleep longer could help his anxiety.  Your DS hears the shower and starts to panic.  This is his auditory trigger for his anxiety- the sign that daddy is leaving. It may be better to redirect his attention by having Daddy gently wake him before the shower, assure him that he is there, that things are ok, that daddy is getting ready for work, but will be back later that day. If you have a routine that coincides with when your husband arrives, such as dinner time, or bath time, use this as a point of reference for your DS.  Daddy will by home when ______ happens. 

The extra reassurance from dad in the morning in place of the sound of the shower and the point of reference on when dad will get home may help soothe your son.  

This is just my two cents.  I am not a doctor; I have a degree in Psychology; I worked with Adults with extreme cases of Autism, OCD, and Anxiety, but I reiterate, I am not an expert.  If you are interested in asking an expert, MDC has an Ask the Experts Forum.  You may want to message Laura Markham, PhD

Areas of specialization: All aspects of child behavior, emotional development, emotional intelligence, and parent-child bonding from birth through teens.

Dr. Laura Markham, Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, Attachment Theorist, Founder of Aha! Parenting.com, supports parents in creating close, joyful, authentic relationships with their children of all ages. As both a mom and a Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Laura sounds three clear themes in her advice to parents.  The first is that when we feel good, we're better parents.  Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside; that's why her daily parenting inspiration emails are about how to take better care of ourselves and manage our own emotions. Her second theme is that all behavior can be understood as an expression of needs or emotions, and discipline sabotages children's development.  Finally, parenting effectively always depends on our connection to our kids. Without that connection, we have little influence ("My kids won't listen!") and parenting becomes frustrating rather than joyful. 

http://www.mothering.com/community/f/16927/laura-markham

Sending you positive thoughts!

Chris

[tooraloora]

I second the pp. You might also try heading to bed just a bit earlier so you can set aside a few extra minutes in the mornings for transitioning to when his daddy heads to work. Maybe he can talk to DS while he's getting ready for work and explain what he's doing and why, and when he'll be home again. Separation anxiety is very normal Mama, and this will pass. 

[SallyN]

Around the 3yo mark, my DD1 became much more attached to her Daddy (which was super convenient, as we had a <1yr old who had more needs from Mommy.)

They would both get up together and have special Daddy/DD1 time to themselves before DH left for work (and woke me.)

Maybe go ahead and let your son wake up and have some special time with Daddy, then move his bedtime earlier to compensate?

[MunchiesMom]

Thanks for the thoughts!! You all are so right and maybe I needed an outsider to see what's going on. We"ll do a PP suggested abd help ease him into daddy leaving, rather than doing what is easier/less sympathetic.

[meemee]

first munchiesmom - know that this is very normal for a 3 year old, suddenly choosing another parent. happens all the time.

the first thought that struck me was AHA - woohoo free mama time.

its very sweet. involve your son in the rituals. he is becoming more aware of the world around him. maybe daddy and he could go to teh park on the weekend and then you can clean house, or read a book or take a shower without distraction.

who makes bfast? maybe he and daddy can make bfast together and you can come down later to join them.

maybe daddy can put him to bed - do the bedtime story and so you guys can start early.

he just needs a little time to realise daddy is leaving but he will come back.