dh wants to move out and separate--not divorce.....what do I do??

[Adelio]

I"m so confused and really dont' know where to start.  Dh tells me last night that he has decided to move out.  We do fight a LOT and it has been hard on the kids.  I understand that.  He doesn't want a divorce, just a separation. 

However, I see this as his vacation!!!  He wants to get a place and then come over whenever he wants.  We've been separated before (about 5 years ago) and that's how it went then.  It was a giant waste of money.  We're having lots of behavior issues w/ our oldest and he doesn't want to deal w/ it. Parenting is labor intensive, ya know??

SO fast forward 5 years and another child to the mix.  There's no money to fight over.  Our mortgage is over 25% of his take home pay at $1300.  So maybe he can find an apartment for about $600 in some fleabag area.  IT won't have enough bedrooms for our three children so he'll come and go as he pleases and put it on a credit card.  Our life savings is about $10,000 so I guess he'll run through that. 

If I get a lawyer, how much will it cost to file for separation?  Can I make him pay for that since this is his idea??  What about custody?  I'm a sahm.  I'm still nursing my almost 3 year old.  Do I even tell the lawyer/judge that?  I know nursing a 3 year old is normal on here, but it's not in the rest of the world and they might think it's weird. 

ACK!  I don't know where to start. 

[Avani]

Well first of all if you file then you pay. Here in CA you can file for a fee waiver but I don't know about other states. Why do you want to file for seperation? Are you ready to make the decision to go towards a divorce? As far as custody goes no the nursing won't matter so I would do your best to be amicable with your husband so that maybe he won't even try for long periods of time or overnights. I know you're hurt and upset and yes typically men get the easy way out but if you are capable of being reasonable with him it will help make the transition easier all the way around. As far as you being in the marital home and being a SAHM your chances of getting physical custody are great as long as there are no major issues. Hopefully he just wants space and not joint custody and to withold child support too.

[tccandlsccmom]

Sorry this is happening!  Your post seems to focus on the logistics and things that need immediate attention (totally normal)...but what I am trying to figure out in terms of responding helpfully is what YOU want out of the relationship.  You talked about fighting...is it over in your mind and heart?  Or do you want to work it out?

Sorry to push, if it is too much to think/feel about that I understand!  It took me many more years than most people understood until I reached the right decision for me and the kids to leave, and a lot of people wanted me to be done with my ex before I was ready to be...

Hug, K

[sren]

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Sounds heartbreaking and infuriating all at the same time.  Have you considered getting a separation agreement through mediation?  It wasn't an option for me, but I hear it is much less expensive.

[Adelio]

Originally Posted by tccandlsccmom 

Sorry this is happening!  Your post seems to focus on the logistics and things that need immediate attention (totally normal)...but what I am trying to figure out in terms of responding helpfully is what YOU want out of the relationship.  You talked about fighting...is it over in your mind and heart?  Or do you want to work it out?

Sorry to push, if it is too much to think/feel about that I understand!  It took me many more years than most people understood until I reached the right decision for me and the kids to leave, and a lot of people wanted me to be done with my ex before I was ready to be...

Hug, K

THanks K. 

I do want my marriage to work out.  I really do.  We have a good marriage therapist who is committed to helping us make it.  We just fight--a lot.  I come from a broken home and my parents have been married multiple times.   I do not want to put my kids through this bc I know what hell it is.  I don't think he is seeing anyone else. 
 

[Adelio]

I"ll look into that.  Just google it, right??

 

Originally Posted by sren 

I am sorry that you are going through this.  Sounds heartbreaking and infuriating all at the same time.  Have you considered getting a separation agreement through mediation?  It wasn't an option for me, but I hear it is much less expensive.

[sren]

Yes or maybe call the local family court clerk and ask if there is a list of recommended mediators.

[Jster]

If you have a good therapist and are both working on reconciling your issues, maybe it would help to work out why he wants this (vacation?  less arguing?), what you would want out of it, and if there are any other ways to get the same thing that might be less expensive.  Heck, it might be cheaper for you to each have weekend "vacations" from the family home on alternating weekends, where you would both get a break and yet might not break the bank quite as much.  Or negotiate a budget for it?  I think the key might be trying to address the needs you both have and being creative in trying to meet those needs.  But it's all easier said than done :)  A mediator would be able to help with all of this too if your therapist can't, and you can just hire a mediator without having to go through the courts.  It sounds like you're not in the place where you've given up hope, but more your family is going through a crisis and needs to work through it.