I had a strange, disturbing experience/dream with an incredible upside last night. It was so powerful I need to write about it. I journaled, but I still don't feel like it's "out" like I need I to be.
I dreamt of miscarrying. I was away on a trip (seemed like I was a chaperone) without DH and I started to bleed. It didn't hurt, just bled profusely. I found an uncle who was on the trip with me and cried violently while he supported me. I passed the fetus and he asked if I wanted to know the gender and I said no. I spent the next few hours (or so it seemed) crying with convulsions and utter, deep sadness. I woke up with my pillow wet, weeping. I felt sadness throughout my entire body. I got up, had some water, peed, and got back into bed. DH sleepily cuddled me up which allowed me to go back to sleep.
What's the upside of this horrible, painful experience? I suddenly feel a deep love for the baby inside me. I immediately felt like speaking to him/her, so I wrote to him/her. I feel like a mother. I feel like we are two, and I love my child.
It's incredible.
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