Is this restraint? Or the path of least resistance? - Page 2

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

Anyway, I don't think your ex has any real reason to fear her taking him back to court for custody, b/c I think she would lose.  Especially since it doesn't sound like your DSS really wants to go live with her again, even though I'm sure he misses her when he is far away from her.

You may be right.  My main concern is that DSS is very troubled about the whole thing.  It sounds like he clearly had a bad visit with his Mom this summer.  But now he's home - and missing her - and probably worried about her.  And, if he's put on the hot seat - either in front of her, or where he knows she will find out what he said - what will he say?  There's no telling.

And, again, there will be a new judge.  Will it be a careful, conscientious one who will take into account all the pressures on DSS and how those things might affect his testimony?  Or will it be a lazy one - like DH has had before - who might say, "OK.  Kid says he wants to live with Mom.  Send him back.  Let me get on to my next case!"?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Here, too, judges are not supposed to show gender bias in awarding custody.  Of course, they're still human individuals, so how do you enforce this?  For example, given the outlandish contempt of court and denial of visitation X engaged in before she moved to CA; the almost unprecedented Permanent Injunction the court issued, threatening her with jail time if she ignored any more custodial orders; the way she even more blatantly ignored those orders after receiving the P.I.; and the CE's firm recommendation that DH should have sole custody... how did the judge conclude X should have sole custody, UNLESS he had a bias toward mothers?!  But, of course, he didn't have to put that in writing.  He only had to say that's what he felt was "in DSS's best interest".  However, gender bias isn't my biggest concern, at this point, since DH already has custody.

Certainly, many things are in DH's favor, in terms of keeping custody.  Apparently, his atty. thinks it's nutty to be as worried as I am, about losing it.  But that's the same atty. who thought the judge would never let X keep DSS in CA with her...and that it was a real long-shot for DH to win a custody modification.  I'm not criticizing his atty.  It's just that this has been a complicated, unusual case and X is a complicated, unusual person.  DSS's relationship with her is complicated and unusual!  She has made accusations about DH, where he thought, "That's crazy!  That's not how things happened!", yet proving that you didn't do something can be a lot harder than you think it should be.  That's why I'd be more comfortable with him getting his version of events in front of a judge first.  X has also done things outlandish enough that her attorneys quit and DH's attorneys, the CE and a mediator assured DH, "She can't do that.  She'll never get away with that, in court."  And yet, she did.  So, I feel like we should cover all our bases and never think, "We have nothing to worry about".

I just wanted to tell you that in custody, who has the child (possession) is 9/10's the law.  Changing custody is very, very, very hard.  You know that, b/c your DH did, against the odds, succeed in getting a change in custody.  Now, X is fighting that battle (or she will be if she ever does file in court), and it will be just as hard, if not harder for her to change it back.  I think you said (ages and ages ago, certainly not in this particular thread) that you, your DH, and his attorney worked very hard to have a written decision done by the court after the change in custody?  Didn't you also say that X tried to appeal it?  And the appellate judge basically said that he would have to disagree with each reason your DH was granted custody, in a very long document full of good reasons for the custody change?  You still have that court decision that you can use as evidence that the custody change was in DSS's best interest, and still is, as your DH has been willing to work with X on all things, and has never once done any of the things she did when she had custody.

I say all this to try and reassure you that your DH is not going to lose custody, but I really do know how scary it is to know that you have no control over who has custody.  I hate relying on a judge to make decisions about my child - it's so patently unfair.  Try not to worry about it though, even though I know its hard.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Jeannine 

You may be right.  My main concern is that DSS is very troubled about the whole thing.  It sounds like he clearly had a bad visit with his Mom this summer.  But now he's home - and missing her - and probably worried about her.  And, if he's put on the hot seat - either in front of her, or where he knows she will find out what he said - what will he say?  There's no telling.

And, again, there will be a new judge.  Will it be a careful, conscientious one who will take into account all the pressures on DSS and how those things might affect his testimony?  Or will it be a lazy one - like DH has had before - who might say, "OK.  Kid says he wants to live with Mom.  Send him back.  Let me get on to my next case!"?

We cross-posted.  As for him being questioned in front of her?  That's pretty unlikely.  I think in cases like this the judges try to meet with the child(ren) in a private conference, in the judges chambers.  You could also ask for forensics (here its a forensic evaluation, other places its a custody evaluation), in which case the evaluator would meet with you (maybe?), your DH, X, your DSS, and talk to all of you about the situation.  These people have their own biases of course, and there is risk in using them, but my experience has been a good one.  Since your DSS will be 11, he will go alone to the meeting, and talk to whoever it is, and they are trained to get the truth out. 

The process certainly sucks, and its no fun, but I believe there is a method to the madness so to speak, and that eventually the right thing happens (as shown by your DH eventually getting custody of your DSS - which was pretty clearly the right thing).
 

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I just wanted to tell you that in custody, who has the child (possession) is 9/10's the law.  Changing custody is very, very, very hard.  You know that, b/c your DH did, against the odds, succeed in getting a change in custody.  Now, X is fighting that battle (or she will be if she ever does file in court), and it will be just as hard, if not harder for her to change it back.  I think you said (ages and ages ago, certainly not in this particular thread) that you, your DH, and his attorney worked very hard to have a written decision done by the court after the change in custody?  Didn't you also say that X tried to appeal it?  And the appellate judge basically said that he would have to disagree with each reason your DH was granted custody, in a very long document full of good reasons for the custody change?  You still have that court decision that you can use as evidence that the custody change was in DSS's best interest, and still is, as your DH has been willing to work with X on all things, and has never once done any of the things she did when she had custody.

I say all this to try and reassure you that your DH is not going to lose custody, but I really do know how scary it is to know that you have no control over who has custody.  I hate relying on a judge to make decisions about my child - it's so patently unfair.  Try not to worry about it though, even though I know its hard.

I actually printed this out and tucked in in my purse.  Thank you!

[blessingscome]

Just a thought... and I may be way off base here so feel free to say so. :D

It seems to me that finding a counselor/therapist your dss can trust is key here. Especially one willing to talk in court if needed.  Then make it clear to all (the therapist and your dss) that what he says is confidential from you.  You can share your concerns (such as your dss apparently holding in feelings and needing someone he can trust to share them with) and let the therapist go from there.  Basically, prove to dss that this is a person he can trust, that he can talk to (even if he wants to talk about you!) because he's going to enter the teen years soon and he has enough stress already to deal with without that coming up to surprise him. Having a trusted person on his side right now will work in his favor in a couple of years.

IF dss begins to trust the therapist, then a "family session" might be a good idea because it gives the therapist a chance to meet with dss's mom and see how things are with all of you. If something gets worked out, great. But if she admits to things like the drugs and alcohol or the one bedroom apartment or.... then there's a 3rd party who can back your dh up in court if need be. It can also give the therapist a chance to see what needs to be discussed later with dss.

Even if she doesn't admit to anything though, your son may find that he appreciates having someone to talk to and that will benefit him.

[Flor]

Originally Posted by Jeannine 


Originally Posted by Flor

As for sharing custody with an alcoholic/drug addict... His mom abuses prescription drugs, recreational drugs, and alcohol. The problem is that almost NONE of this is documented. It is our word against hers. Luckily for our case (and horribley for her younger children who are not DH's), she has been arrested for child endangerment twice. She has had a DUI and is on probabtion for that. In spite of that, she brings in notes from her AA sponser saying how great she is doing and certificates showing she has passed another court-mandated parenting class. The courts seem unwilling to look back at patterns... if a doctor says she's ok, the court will accept that.

Yikes! Sorry you have to deal with that. Did you means your DH's ex has custody? Or that he has had custody? If arrests for child endangerment and a DUI don't worry a judge, that seems really problematic! 

Dh has had sole physical custody since dss was 3, but she has two other younger kids and she had them about 50/50. After all this, the little boys' dad has sole physical custody of them. But, everytime a court date comes up, I still feel like the judge sees that as something that happened in the past. He is always very interested and gives weight to the fact she is NOW in counseling, now in AA, now in more court mandated parenting classes (even though she was in all that at the time it happened, too! Didn't help!).