Agree that parents (mothers) are to blame for separation anxiety in older kids?

[Dandelionkid]

"Biology or not, family psychologist and syndicated columnist John Rosemond said he believes parents almost always 

play a significant role in the problem.

"When you find a child of school age, kindergarten, first grade, it is almost always associated with parents and 

specifically a mother who has had difficulty separating from the child from day one," he said"

 

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-08-14-school-anxiety_N.htm

 

 

My defensive hackles are up. Two of my kids are great at separating from me. The middle one is not. I would love for him to feel more comfortable in a variety of situations but I won't push him. He has shown time and time again, with itty-bitty steps, that he has his own timetable for conquering his anxiety. Pushing him out of the nest has never been advantageous. We won't be doing kindy- will try again for grade one when he is a little more mature. 

 

His inability to separate without anxiety to go to kindergarten is not something I have created out of an unmet need. It is his own personality and maturity level.  

 

Also difficulty "separating from day one"? What a load of psychobabble crap.

[4evermom]

Yup, B.S.  I'm sure that some parents do contribute to their children's anxiety by being nervous themselves.  But it is sometimes the parent feeling anxious because s/he is picking up on the child's anxiety.  And why on earth do people consider it normal for a 5 yo to go into a group situation with complete strangers and have his parents leave, and be happy about it?  Why are the ones that are fine with that not considered to have an attachment disorder?  It's just two ends of the normal spectrum and both should be respected.  

I had a happy child who never cried unless he was hurt and showed no signs of anxiety until he started school.  I thought he'd LOVE it.  I wanted him to go and picked out what looked like a delightful little school.  He'd go off for the day with dh or take off on a neighborhood adventure with his uncle's friend.  It wasn't my anxiety that had him not sleeping or eating after he started school, crying at the drop of a hat, afraid to go to sleep on school nights. 

I

[purslaine]

I read the whole article and one of the experts attributed it to biology and/or environment which is way better than just attributing it to environment.

[MJB]

Well, I had a kid who stayed home with me until 1st grade, and yeah, I think I contributed to him being so over-attached. A lot of it was his innate personality but I should have encouraged him to separate. I regret not sticking with kindergarten.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by MJB 

 A lot of it was his innate personality but I should have encouraged him to separate. I regret not sticking with kindergarten.

Why?  

____________________

In general (not directed towards you, MJB, I obviously do not know your family or judge individual choices)

I do agree kids should learn to separate and baby steps are a good thing in this regard - but why does it have to be for a four or five year old?

This is totally going to get into a HSing area (which I get is not a possible or best choice for many families) - but I prefer to let little kids learn to separate slowly and honour their sensitivities and boundaries in this area if possible.  

[MJB]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

Why?  

____________________

In general (not directed towards you, MJB, I obviously do not know your family or judge individual choices)

I do agree kids should learn to separate and baby steps are a good thing in this regard - but why does it have to be for a four or five year old?

This is totally going to get into a HSing area (which I get is not a possible or best choice for many families) - but I prefer to let little kids learn to separate slowly and honour their sensitivities and boundaries in this area if possible.  

Because, having seen my second thrive in kindergarten, I think it's a really important (and fun) year. I feel bad that my oldest didn't get to have the kindergarten experience, when I think he could have done well had I given him a little push out of the nest. 

[Drummer's Wife]

If it were totally the parent's fault, then why is it that in some families not every kid has separation issues? 

I have four kids, and the only one who sometimes has a hard time is my 3rd child who is 6.  He also has other issues that play into his anxiety a bit, such as speech, sensory, and social - he's shy. 

I do know that when I am uncertain about something or seem tensed up or stressed he most definitely feeds off of that.  If I'm calm, happy, assured he is going to be fine, he definitely feeds off of that.  So I know I am part of the problem, but not all of it. 

This is where I admit I didn't read the link, and, so far since school has started 2 weeks ago DS has done really well separating.  He doesn't show any amount of worry when he says goodbye.  It was the 2nd half of the last school year that he struggled - never did the year he went to pre-k, and before then he had never been away from me for school or daycare. 

My "baby", my youngest, is 4.5, and he's the one I do get sad about and miss and feel anxious when he is away from me (he's in his 2nd year of preschool).  But, surprisingly, he does not have any separation issues at all.  Just today, his first day back at school, he wanted to walk himself to his class (I didn't let him b/c he's little and I wanted to be able to see him get settled in his classroom). 

There are so many factors, and I agree with the OP that it's usually just personality and maturity level of the kid - not something the parents did wrong.

[D_McG]

I think when I 'followed my DS' lead' wrt separation I wasn't doing him any favors.  When I pushed the issue he really thrived in ways he wasn't when I kept him home.

I do think he would have been 'fine' if I had waited another year for preschool (for example) but by painting on a smile and expressing confidence in his ability to separate I think he did  better than fine.

YMMV, obviously.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by MJB 

Because, having seen my second thrive in kindergarten, I think it's a really important (and fun) year. I feel bad that my oldest didn't get to have the kindergarten experience, when I think he could have done well had I given him a little push out of the nest. 

But, every kid is different, and the fact that your second loved it doesn't mean your first would have. I didnt mind kindergarten (except it was kind of boring)...but I missed a lot of it, because I showed up late every day and wouldn't knock on the door. So, for me, that "fun" year was largely spent sitting on the outside stairs.
 

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by D_McG 

I think when I 'followed my DS' lead' wrt separation I wasn't doing him any favors.  When I pushed the issue he really thrived in ways he wasn't when I kept him home.

I do think he would have been 'fine' if I had waited another year for preschool (for example) but by painting on a smile and expressing confidence in his ability to separate I think he did  better than fine

YMMV, obviously.

I know- it is all so situation-based. You obviously did the right thing for your child while I have tried to do the same for my DS and met with extreme resistance and anxiety. The article's generalization that the parents are to blame in most cases is maddening because each kid is so different. I want independence for my DS  but have discovered that, in his case, it can't be bribed,pushed, cajoled along. 
 

[AbbieB]

That article is a bunch of B.S.

I do not believe that my child would be better off left to cry for 20 minutes. My DD has trouble with transitions, always has. I find that talking to her, with lots of repetition does help her feel better about a situation. It may look to an outsider like the talk is making it worse, but she needs to vent her fears in order to adjust. It's kind of like a tantrum that way. It needs to happen for her to move on. Leaving her to cry in a strange environment that is scary to her is teaching her what exactly? It's CIO for kindergartners.

I get so frustrated with our culture's idea that the only way to teach independence is to force it on kids, ready or not. I'm sure these same experts frown on co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended nursing, and all things AP.

FWIW, I taught preschool for 5 years and then kindergarten for 5 years. I never once had a kid cry for 20 minutes all by themselves. I can only think of one kid that needed his mom to ease him into the preschool classroom environment because of separation anxiety, and it was not a problem. After the first week, mom was able to just drop him off, but it took that week of her lingering for the first hour or less to help him get comfortable and interested in the class's activities and to develop a bit of trust with me. What was the harm done?

[jennybear]

I certainly think there are things parents can do to compound anxiety (separation or otherwise), but I wouldn't say it's the root cause of most.

I had a very hard time being away from my mom when I started pre-school/kindergarten. My brother, raised in the same way, handled it beautifully.

DD, who is 20 months, loves going to preschool and has never had separation anxiety. She's a very happy, extroverted and chill kid. Given my propensity toward anxiety, I don't credit myself here LOL. Who knows what our next will be like.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by AbbieB 

That article is a bunch of B.S.

I do not believe that my child would be better off left to cry for 20 minutes. My DD has trouble with transitions, always has. I find that talking to her, with lots of repetition does help her feel better about a situation. It may look to an outsider like the talk is making it worse, but she needs to vent her fears in order to adjust. It's kind of like a tantrum that way. It needs to happen for her to move on. Leaving her to cry in a strange environment that is scary to her is teaching her what exactly? It's CIO for kindergartners.

I get so frustrated with our culture's idea that the only way to teach independence is to force it on kids, ready or not. I'm sure these same experts frown on co-sleeping, baby wearing, extended nursing, and all things AP.

FWIW, I taught preschool for 5 years and then kindergarten for 5 years. I never once had a kid cry for 20 minutes all by themselves. I can only think of one kid that needed his mom to ease him into the preschool classroom environment because of separation anxiety, and it was not a problem. After the first week, mom was able to just drop him off, but it took that week of her lingering for the first hour or less to help him get comfortable and interested in the class's activities and to develop a bit of trust with me. What was the harm done?

Yeah. I had my DS in gymnastics and had to follow his class around for a few sessions because he was too insecure without me. Gradually I drifted further away until by two months in I was watching from the parent viewing area. One of the mom's commented that he was doing so well now that I wasn't down there "sometimes kids do so much better without us around". Yes- some kids do but not my kid- he would never have made it past the first session if I had dropped and ran. I hate how we condone tearful separations as a childhood rite of passage and a mother's badge of good parenting. 

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by MJB 

Because, having seen my second thrive in kindergarten, I think it's a really important (and fun) year. I feel bad that my oldest didn't get to have the kindergarten experience, when I think he could have done well had I given him a little push out of the nest. 

It would be nice if there were options for half day programs and more play based programs for 6, 7, 8 yo kids.  
 

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid 
Gradually I drifted further away until by two months in I was watching from the parent viewing area. One of the mom's commented that he was doing so well now that I wasn't down there "sometimes kids do so much better without us around".

People see what they want to see.  It reminds me of the people who think the only reason a 2 yo would be nursing is because the mom is encouraging it for her own emotional reasons.

[FarmerBeth]

Originally Posted by 4evermom 

It would be nice if there were options for half day programs and more play based programs for 6, 7, 8 yo kids.  
 

I really agree with this.  When I went to kindergarten (called primary here in Nova Scotia) the first half of the year was a half day, which gave the kids time to work into it.  Kids in our province no longer have this option.  Coupled with a new, later cut-off age, and we're seeing a lot of primaries (I'm a teacher's aid and I'm hearing this from the primary teachers all the time) too overwhelmed with the social and independence from parents aspects to actually be ready to learn.  Four is young, especially for some boys, and day cares and preschools are not only not the norm for every family, but simply not an option in rural locations. We are lucky that our local school offers a twice weekly in the morning play based pre-school for children entering the school the next year, but this isn't an option for everyone.

I also wanted to mention that my oldest was in group therapy for anxiety for school agers, and we did have one with separation anxiety out of the bunch, at age 9.  Like the OP, he was middle of a three child family and the others were fine separating.  If the other kids are fine, that points more to biology than environment for me (except maybe in the case of kids who are sheltered due to serious medical needs, but I certainly wouldn't blame any parent for protecting their medically fragile  child).  As long as the challenge of exposure to separation is still offered in gradual increments (gradual, obtainable exposure is a standard part of treatment for anxiety), that's all you can do.  There's nothing wrong with trying again for grade one (we can't skip kindy here, so that's not a great choice where we live) and using the year to gradually increase a child's separation tolerance.
 

[beanma]

Look at the author!! That's all I had to do to know that it was full of bs.

Separation anxiety is not unlike other generalized anxiety problems. It's a bit of a tightrope. Avoidance behaviors make the situation worse, but likewise a sink or swim, throw 'em in the deep end of the pool approach can make the situation much worse. You need to find a middle ground and give a little nudge, so that they're at least putting their toes in the water, and then sitting on the first step, etc, until they can work up their way to hanging out in the shallow end. Kids with anxiety, separation or otherwise, IMO, do need to face their fears, but only to the degree that nudges them a little. Throwing them in the deep end is probably the worst thing you can do, but complete avoidance is right up there, too.

That's why public school can be so hard because it's tricky to find that middle ground, and the middle ground differs greatly for each kid. I would actually agree that most kids with mild separation anxiety do fine after a minute or two if mom or dad drops and goes. They do settle in and have fun. But there are some kids whose separation anxiety is much more than mild and for mom or dad to drop and run is like throwing them in the deep end and expecting them to swim. The grown-ups in the situation, mom, dad, teacher, principal, etc, have to be able to read the kid and tell whether they are at their limit. You HAVE to push them a little bit, though, or they HAVE to push themselves because avoidance will only make it worse. All or nothing situations are horrible for an anxious kid. They NEED to be able to test the waters and sometimes watch and wait before putting a big toe in. Schools are not always the most willing to make accommodations for these kids because they have seen so many kids with mild separation anxiety who do settle down after a minute. They aren't always willing to work with a kid who has severe sep anxiety because they don't recognize it and think what worked for one kid will work for another. It's very individual, but each kid does need to be nudged along their own path if they're not willing to nudge themselves. 

That's my 2¢ and my experience at any rate.

[seashells]

John Rosemond is still out there? I remember writing him several letters when I was a teenager when his latest column would make my blood pressure go up.

I don't think any sweeping statements can be made. Clearly there are families with one child with anxiety and siblings without. Sure, it's possible to explain that in a way where the parents are still "at fault" (that is, they chose to "hover" over one particular child) but in general it seems to show that there are factors internal to the child as well as parental influence.

I have to admit that parental influence is still surely a significant factor in some or many cases. I have posted about my own child's separation anxiety hoping for some input but I only got one reply before the thread died. I think parental influence is a major factor in our case.

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by seashells 

I have to admit that parental influence is still surely a significant factor in some or many cases. I have posted about my own child's separation anxiety hoping for some input but I only got one reply before the thread died. I think parental influence is a major factor in our case.

You could try again with a thread.  

I do know parents sometimes play a role.  If the child is anxious about separating, then the parent gets anxious, it is a bit of a viscious circle.  Never mind that parents are often genuinely confused about what to do about it - just leave her, like so many claim, or try to integrate her slowly (while still dealing with the anxiety from the situation). Not fun.

My own btdt concerns a much younger child.  I was in a moms group when DS was about 18 months.  I really needed a break from DS who in some ways high needs and I was feeling burnt out.  I was trying to put him into the child minding room and he was wailing - and I started crying.  This happened more than once.  At the time I really did think it was my fault - almost everyones else child went into child minding - but mine wouldn't!  Gah.  

I have since had 2 more kids - one of whom has always been independent, the other occasionally displayed mild separation anxiety.  I have dealt with it better though - as I have been in a healthier mental state to begin with.

It is very difficult if you are feeling burnt or anxious to deal with a child who refuses to separate.  Often we need a bit of separation to recharge our batteries - but if the kid will not separate and you do not believe in forced separation - it can be very hard to get.  Trying to figure out how to recharge your batteries while not getting breaks so you can deal with the separation issue from a healthy mental state is really important.

[seashells]

Well, if anyone is interested in commenting on our anxiety problem, here's the thread :)

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1327469/separation-anxiety-in-6-year-old

I have one reply so far, and it was definitely a position to which I'm giving serious consideration. But I'd love more input from different people too.