how to manage the stress of this process

[invitnconceptn]

I'm writing to vent and for sound wisdom. My wife and I started the baby making process a year ago. I am 35 and right now we decided due to my age I would be the one trying. After 5 failed IUIs, 1 failed ICI at home, and a couple medical procedures (HSG....omg worst pain ever, and polypectomy), and however many thousands of dollars later, I am just tired and exhausted. 

There are other factors to add to this: I went off Zoloft a couple months ago thinking this would be best when pregnant.This is hard bc I struggle with OCD and am particularly susceptible to stresses that are compounded by this fertility process.

I have tried/am trying to reduce stress by trying to cut my work hours and not bring my work home with me. I am also trying to work on improving ways I relax and increase my positive self talk. (I highly recommend guided imagery for fertility by Belle Ruth Naperstek)

My wife and I also attempted to go to a couple counselor who was definitely not familiar with dealing with lesbian fertility troubles. 

For the past few months I have been trying to follow advice of natural fertility websites. Eat more organic and more superfoods. No caffeine. I'm working with a RE who is great.

All of these things have helped me feel like I am taking care of my body and have given me back some semblance of control in this process.

Fast forward today- I'm 9 DPO. Usually I've been starting my period on the 10th day, so I took a dreaded pregnancy test and got a BFN. I should have just waited bc I wasn't even obsessing this month about "if I could be pregnant." It was what it was. But a friend gave a whole bunch of conception related stuff, including pregnancy tests, and my wife and I just thought randomly, "What the heck?! Why not?" So I just took it without giving it much thought, and it led to a mostly contained melt down by the end of the day.

I haven't taken a pregnancy test for months. In this moment I realize why. BFN really does suck. Even if you are in a even keel mood, and feeling relatively positive, seeing those words "not pregnant" on the clearblue instrument really does shift your mood for the rest of the day.

If anyone can relate to my specific reality and/or has words of encouragement. I could benefit from it. Thank you.

[starling&diesel]

Hi there ...

Welcome to Mothering!

I didn't want to read your post and not reply, even though we didn't have the same struggles as you.

There is an amazing community available to you at the Queer Conceptions thread.  So many of the folks there have had long journeys with all kinds of struggles and stressors along the way.

For my own contribution, I dealt with infertility for seventeen years before we were able to adopt embryos, so I do know about the heartache and disappointment that comes with dealing with your body when it isn't doing what you want it to. 

It sounds like you and your partner are both very self-aware, which can only serve you well in this process, although sometimes I know it'd feel good to be able to zone out about it all once in a while.

Continue to take good care of yourself and your DP. 

And again, welcome to the boards!

[osker]

Hi and Welcome! 

  I'm sorry this road has been tough.  We also went down a rather long road.  I agree that the Queer Conceptions thread is a good one, something at the very least distracting at times.. although my DW thinks that it makes her focus too much and obsess too much during ttc, so try it and see what you think, but don't feel that you have to participate.

  We also love Belleruth Naperstek (although if I hear her affirmations for birth one more time after 32 hours of them..!!), she has a guided meditation for fertility, have you tried that one? Also I enjoyed the book Fully Fertile which talked about a lot of the balance and heathfull choices that you seem to be interested in.  

  How are you on exercise? Going off zoloft is tough, and staying off it might be in the cards for you, or it might not.  Exercise helped H to deal with some anxieties and such throughout our process.  It took us three years to get pregnant, and I cringe to add up how many thousands of dollars.  It's definitely a trying process. 

 Not to give you medical advice just based on your post (I am not a doctor), but H had a short LP, around ten days, and we did a couple of non-ttc cylces using progesterone cream. This really seemed to lengthen her LP to 13-14 days, which may or may not have helped.  Just because your AF is usually due 10dpo doesn't mean that a pregnancy would be strong enough to show up yet.. These are the things that can drive you crazy and make you doubt every aspect of this process!  I swear, there were months when we would seriously wonder if H was pregnant, AFTER she had a full AF, or even two, and we hadn't tried in forever...  We took breaks when we needed them, travelled a lot, and tried to think of it in a different way. We know that we want to have many kids, so we told ourselves that trying each month was like getting an oil change. You have to do it, you don't really notice a difference whether you do it or not, but if you don't do it things will definitely not work out the way you would hope... and hey, if you went to get an oil change one day and the gal there gave you a baby?! wouldn't that be awesome?!  (it's sort of weird, but it worked for us).

Feel free to post all the time, ask questions, yell at the world... a lot of us have been there and totally get what you are feeling.