I'm writing to vent and for sound wisdom. My wife and I started the baby making process a year ago. I am 35 and right now we decided due to my age I would be the one trying. After 5 failed IUIs, 1 failed ICI at home, and a couple medical procedures (HSG....omg worst pain ever, and polypectomy), and however many thousands of dollars later, I am just tired and exhausted.
There are other factors to add to this: I went off Zoloft a couple months ago thinking this would be best when pregnant.This is hard bc I struggle with OCD and am particularly susceptible to stresses that are compounded by this fertility process.
I have tried/am trying to reduce stress by trying to cut my work hours and not bring my work home with me. I am also trying to work on improving ways I relax and increase my positive self talk. (I highly recommend guided imagery for fertility by Belle Ruth Naperstek)
My wife and I also attempted to go to a couple counselor who was definitely not familiar with dealing with lesbian fertility troubles.
For the past few months I have been trying to follow advice of natural fertility websites. Eat more organic and more superfoods. No caffeine. I'm working with a RE who is great.
All of these things have helped me feel like I am taking care of my body and have given me back some semblance of control in this process.
Fast forward today- I'm 9 DPO. Usually I've been starting my period on the 10th day, so I took a dreaded pregnancy test and got a BFN. I should have just waited bc I wasn't even obsessing this month about "if I could be pregnant." It was what it was. But a friend gave a whole bunch of conception related stuff, including pregnancy tests, and my wife and I just thought randomly, "What the heck?! Why not?" So I just took it without giving it much thought, and it led to a mostly contained melt down by the end of the day.
I haven't taken a pregnancy test for months. In this moment I realize why. BFN really does suck. Even if you are in a even keel mood, and feeling relatively positive, seeing those words "not pregnant" on the clearblue instrument really does shift your mood for the rest of the day.
If anyone can relate to my specific reality and/or has words of encouragement. I could benefit from it. Thank you.