Neighbor boy not allowed to play with "girl stuff"

[mamazee]

I'm not sure if there's anything more I can do about this issue, but I'm hoping for some ideas.

My 9-year-old dd has a friend who is a year younger and lives immediately behind us. I will call him Robby here. The two get along really well and play together a lot.

The other day his mom stopped by and said that she and her husband have decided that Robby will no longer be allowed to play with anything "girlish". In the past they tried to ignore his preference for girlish stuff in the hope he'd outgrow it, but that hasn't happened. They said that from now on, if he plays at my house, I need to enforce this and make sure he doesn't play with any girlish toys, or play any girlish games. His favorite things to do here are play with Barbies, paper dolls, and play dress up. My dd has trucks and cars and "boyish" stuff too, but he doesn't like to play that when he's here.

I said I was afraid that would be hurtful to him and I wasn't comfortable limiting his play like that. Which maybe was worded harshly but my feelings were even stronger than that and I was holding back.

So of course now he isn't allowed to play here, and I feel awful. My dd misses playing with him, and I feel bad for his struggles with his parents. They didn't say my dd wasn't allowed to play there, but the past couple of times she's gone over asking to play the mom has said he wasn't available to play, and I think they might just not be letting the kids play together anymore.

Was his parents' request reasonable? Should I have agreed? I mean, I disagree completely, but he's their kid and not mine, and I can't even be a supportive person in his life now. I can't imagine being a part of that, but now he has lost a friend over this and I feel awful. Is there any way to make things better here do you think? My dd has lots of other friends to play with in this neighborhood, but she really got along well with Robby and I feel awful about the whole situation.

[philomom]

No, his parent's request was not reasonable and I don't think I could have agreed to it either. Poor kid.

Does Robby attend school? I might tip off the school counselors. The parents are in big denial here and it may get worse for this little guy.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by philomom 

No, his parent's request was not reasonable and I don't think I could have agreed to it either. Poor kid.

Does Robby attend school? I might tip off the school counselors. The parents are in big denial here and it may get worse for this little guy.

Oh that's a great idea! They go to the same school and I know the counselor really well. Thanks for that suggestion!

[lindberg99]

I think you were right in what you did. And I think it would have ended the same way (him not being allowed to come over) no matter what you did. Think about it, even if you had said that you wouldn't allow him to play with girl stuff at your house, it's not like you are going to be hovering over a couple of 9 yo. At some point, they would have gotten out paper dolls or whatever and he would have told his mom or his mom would have seen some "evidence" of it. Then she would have banned him from coming over. 

Do you think the neighbor would let you take Robby and your DD on a bike ride or shoot hoops outside or things like that?

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by lindberg99 

I think you were right in what you did. And I think it would have ended the same way (him not being allowed to come over) no matter what you did. Think about it, even if you had said that you wouldn't allow him to play with girl stuff at your house, it's not like you are going to be hovering over a couple of 9 yo. At some point, they would have gotten out paper dolls or whatever and he would have told his mom or his mom would have seen some "evidence" of it. Then she would have banned him from coming over. 

Do you think the neighbor would let you take Robby and your DD on a bike ride or shoot hoops outside or things like that?

When I said I wouldn't enforce their rule, she said she appreciated my honesty, but she seemed a bit upset with me, and I think that bridge might be burnt.

[Dr.Worm]

I think you were right and I feel very sorry for the little boy.  I am sick and tired of this happening..last time I checked this was 2011, not the 1950's.  Some people need to get a clue.  Here's an idea...let your child play with what he wants. 

[hildare]

Originally Posted by mamazee 


I said I was afraid that would be hurtful to him and I wasn't comfortable limiting his play like that. Which maybe was worded harshly but my feelings were even stronger than that and I was holding back.
 

I think you had a wonderful response that was fair to your ideals without overexplaining.  it's very sad that your dd seems to be unable to play with the other child right now, though.  i hope you're explaining to her just as logically. 

for the record, i would not have been nearly as nice as you were. stuff like that makes me pretty angry.
 

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm 

Some people need to get a clue.  Here's an idea...let your child play with what he wants. 

The only time I remember interrupting my kids play was when they were stringing up playmobile figures with wire. Sigh. It's my fault... they had seen the slave ship thing at the museum and were making sort of a chain gang. I think I had a furious need for brownies that day and then I snuck back and de-wired all the little figures when they weren't looking.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by mamazee 



When I said I wouldn't enforce their rule, she said she appreciated my honesty, but she seemed a bit upset with me, and I think that bridge might be burnt.

That's too bad. I feel sorry for that boy. Does he ever get to just sort of roam around the neighborhood? Like if your DD and a bunch of neighborhood kids are out playing tag, maybe he could come out and join in?

[Rani]

They are in for a surprise when the school will not follow that rule. They can't limit his play to "boy stuff".  They must be working under the flawed "theory" that they can force him to "grow out of it" and " be" his gender or something.  Poor kid.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Rani 

They are in for a surprise when the school will not follow that rule. They can't limit his play to "boy stuff".  They must be working under the flawed "theory" that they can force him to "grow out of it" and " be" his gender or something.  Poor kid.

I agree. Though at nine, some of the other boys may razz him.

[rubidoux]

You did the right thing, I think.  I'm happy the mother felt your disapproval.  I feel sad for your dd and heartsick for the boy.  What a horrible thing!

Just out of curiosity, does he also enjoy more traditional "boy" things?  I am hoping for his sake that he does.  I just can't imagine telling my nearly 8 yo that he couldn't play with any of the things he loves. 

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by philomom 



The only time I remember interrupting my kids play was when they were stringing up playmobile figures with wire. Sigh. It's my fault... they had seen the slave ship thing at the museum and were making sort of a chain gang. I think I had a furious need for brownies that day and then I snuck back and de-wired all the little figures when they weren't looking.

Just make sure not to let any boys see you baking brownies...they may want to help you cook and as we all know, there are no male cooks out there lol.

[Dr.Worm]

OP, it's unfortunate that the mom is so close-minded.  It might be cool to educate her on silly things that are taken for granted in our society such as pink is for girls and blue is for boys.  Used to be the opposite.  I hope she's not one of those silly people who think that if a male chooses things considered "feminine" that he is "turning gay."  It is so odd to me.  How come if a girl wears pants and plays in the dirt with cars nobody thinks she is turning gay but if a boy likes dolls or dress up clothes he is???

[serenbat]

How come if a girl wears pants and plays in the dirt with cars nobody thinks she is turning gay but if a boy likes dolls or dress up clothes he is???

sadly this has NOT gone away--very much alive! I hear the word "tom-boy" a lot!! most private school in my area of PA still require shirts/dresses for girls

very sad for the OP's child and the neighbor boy

[Dr.Worm]

Originally Posted by serenbat 

sadly this has NOT gone away--very much alive! I hear the word "tom-boy" a lot!! most private school in my area of PA still require shirts/dresses for girls

very sad for the OP's child and the neighbor boy

Yes, you're right...I forgot about the tomboy thing...yuck.  Shirts/dresses? Yikes. 

[meemee]

OP i think you handled it wonderfully. and politely too.

dd's friends are mostly boys and i always warn mamas if their sons are coming over they'd possibly go home with blue eye shadow and pink lipstick, leave alone all the typical girl toys.

maybe ur dd and robby can still play in the school yard.

.... and uh oh. is tomboy now politically incorrect? i did not get the memo. many times i describe my dd as a tomboy so ppl quickly get an idea of her personality instead of me having to further explain.

[NiteNicole]

I think you did fine in the heat of the moment.  I can't imagine how you would enforce such a thing - is your daughter just supposed to play with BOY stuff while he's there?  By their logic, that can't be a good solution.

I can understand that from their POV, maybe they're trying to save him some teasing in the future or maybe he's even being teased now.  I get that.  No one wants to see their child suffer.  There's just no way you can "ban" your kid from playing with her own toys.

[hildare]

i can explain about the "tomboy."  i'm sure other folks know what spirit in which you mean it, but it's kind of offensive in a few ways (not to shame you mamas):

it implies that when a child people view as female does certain activities, the activities are supposed pertain to a child that people view as male.  that kind of indicates a division or sets up the implication that some things are for boys and some things are for girls. 

i prefer to think of all activities, toys, colors, etc. as for everybody, not set up along a binary.  the term also implies that there's something atypical about a girl child who engages in things like treeclimbing, and i think it reenforces stereotypes and rigid gender roles, and discourages children of all sexes from participating in an activity based upon for whom the activity is intended.  just some ideas that are pretty incorrect and outdated and something to hope to move beyond, right?

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

I can understand that from their POV, maybe they're trying to save him some teasing in the future or maybe he's even being teased now.  I get that.  No one wants to see their child suffer.  There's just no way you can "ban" your kid from playing with her own toys.

This *might* be what they're thinking (though I am pretty darn certain there are people out there who have much worse thoughts when they do those things).  BUT if so, what they have done is made it very clear to their child that THEY are disapproving and rejecting of him, which to me seems more damaging that other kids, especially because, at least right now, he does have friends who are accepting of him.