Neighbor boy not allowed to play with "girl stuff" - Page 2

[serenbat]

i can explain about the "tomboy."  i'm sure other folks know what spirit in which you mean it, but it's kind of offensive in a few ways (not to shame you mamas):

it implies that when a child people view as female does certain activities, the activities are supposed pertain to a child that people view as male.  that kind of indicates a division or sets up the implication that some things are for boys and some things are for girls. 

i prefer to think of all activities, toys, colors, etc. as for everybody, not set up along a binary.  the term also implies that there's something atypical about a girl child who engages in things like treeclimbing, and i think it reenforces stereotypes and rigid gender roles, and discourages children of all sexes from participating in an activity based upon for whom the activity is intended.  just some ideas that are pretty incorrect and outdated and something to hope to move beyond, right?

I used the term because there are those who do use it to refer to a girl (again the same as the neighbor boys family) that think the same of girls and the fear that they will be come a certain way- I hear the term often--it doesn't make it right or acceptable but it is use by many to mean as you stated

it was to show the contrast in context to this issue

 it offensive but it's certainly used to describe as mentioned

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole 

I think you did fine in the heat of the moment.  I can't imagine how you would enforce such a thing - is your daughter just supposed to play with BOY stuff while he's there?  By their logic, that can't be a good solution.

I can understand that from their POV, maybe they're trying to save him some teasing in the future or maybe he's even being teased now.  I get that.  No one wants to see their child suffer.  There's just no way you can "ban" your kid from playing with her own toys.

The logic of it (or lack thereof) didn't occur to me, but you're right that they apparently expected my dd to play with boyish stuff. As for the teasing, if he's playing with it here with my dd, she doesn't tease him about it. If no one else is here playing with them, I don't see why teasing is an issue. If he's getting teased to the point where it feels worth it to him elsewhere to play with something else, it seems like he could easily adjust himself if he wanted. I don't think this is a teasing thing. His mom has joked since he wanted to be a princess for Halloween a few years ago, in an uneasy way, that he's "a bit metro" (as in metrosexual), and I think they're just worried he could be gay and hoping they have a way to make him not be gay.

Someone asked if they will play outside together when all the neighborhood kids are running around together, and yes they'll play then, but it'll be winter before too long and it doesn't sound like they'll be playing in each other's houses. Maybe his parents will relax about this, and I did say something to the school counsellor, as i know her personally outside of school, and she thanked me for the heads up. Hopefully she can make some progress once school starts up again. It might do more coming from a professional anyway. I choose to remain hopeful.

[AbbieB]

How exactly does one define girl toys and boy toys? Is a ball a girl toy or a boy toy? Is it all about color? Is it OK for a boy to play dress up as long as it's a fireman's coat or a knight's armor? Can a boy play with a boy doll? Are action figures dolls?

I feel so sorry for that little boy, and for your daughter. And I feel sorry for people that are so homophobic that they can't love their children for who they are.

When my DD was a toddler, she had a male toddler friend that she played with all of the time. Once, she was wearing a purple sun hat and her friend put it on his head. His father saw it and FREAKED OUT that his son was wearing a purple hat. He made a big deal of getting off his son ASAP and kept talking to him about it being for girls.

I was pretty uncomfortable about that.

I know the attitude is more widespread than I want to believe because my 3 year old DS has claimed one of his sister's Barbies for his own and carries it everywhere. I see the looks it gets.

Maybe the looks are because she's naked, but I don't think so. DD once had a friend who's mom was bothered by DD's Barbies always being naked (we were at the pool, and Barbie didn't own a suit .) We ran into her recently and she saw DS with his naked Barbie and she commented on it right away.

If anyone ever asked I could tell them her name is Jiggles , maybe that would make it a little more macho. Jiggles is short for jiggly leg Barbie. The doll has very jiggly legs, like a puppet, not your standard stiff legs. I think DS was first attracted to the clacking sound they made.

OK, back on topic.

OP, I think it would be really nice if you could reach out to this boy if the opportunity arises. Let him know that you miss him coming over to play and mention how much fun your DD had with him playing ____, what ever girlish thing it is that the kids played the most. I think this boy needs to hear from the world outside of his house that not every adult thinks he is wrong for wanting to play with dolls and dress up.

[serenbat]

How exactly does one define girl toys and boy toys? Is a ball a girl toy or a boy toy? Is it all about color? Is it OK for a boy to play dress up as long as it's a fireman's coat or a knight's armor? Can a boy play with a boy doll? Are action figures dolls?

this is real easy! it's done for most people and they don't need to think about it-------shop on line--- there are "boy" and "girl" toy listed as such on MANY toy web sites--go to a local store--there are clearly defined section, some even marked as such--my target doesn't have a gender neutral section---I see a massive pink explosion when I walk near the "girls" section!!

look at clothing COLORS that the masses see at chain stores, it starts at birth- it's hard finding neutral colors at chains

for many people they are deeply effected by what other people think- this neighbor family may have family that would come down very hard on this child- who need grandpa to flip out or someone else?

look how hard many schools have it with having "gay" clubs- most schools do not teach expectance and do not embrace diversity and it starts at a young age -- I hope the friend that the OP spoke to can promote some change in their school- that would be great for both children

very few people IRL (at least this is what I see everyday!) are not even close to the people on this board---most are from a far different planet

[Imakcerka]

I guess because who I was growing up, I never even thought to buy girl toys for my girls.  They were all Thomas the tank Engine.  I have a great pic of them in their Thomas shirts.  They just sort of grew out of Thomas.  Barbie dolls given to them by their Aunt... are eerily missing... or do I see their feet sticking up from the ground.  More buried toys. 

It's a problem that we even still divide boys from girls.  Yes have your own identity and yes when DD2 said she wanted a bratz doll I said yes... didn't know what it was and when we finally found it I bought it.  Their whole feet come off to change shoes.  Weird.  And yes her nub legs are poking up by the pecan tree, I think she lasted a week.  Kind of annoyed at the wastefulness but in her opinion shes in an underground world.   My DD1 is a BOY/GIRL as she likes to call herself.  She looks like a girl but feels like a boy.  I get it kid.  This doesn't mean her preference is set in stone like my mother likes to think.  This is how she feels right now.  We have no idea of how she'll feel later.  And If I don't validate how she feels I'm going to be one lonely lady when I get old.

Hopefully these parents see the light.  It's cruel to force something on a kid like that.  They only understand how they feel right now.  Let them be.

[hildare]

abbieb, that was a great post but i have to say this:  gender identity does not necessarily = or imply or disclose sexual orientation. 

<3  

[philomom]

Too bad you guys can't come to science pub with me. We are discussing this very topic. Scroll down just a bit.

http://www.omsi.edu/sciencepubportland

[hildare]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Too bad you guys can't come to science pub with me. We are discussing this very topic. Scroll down just a bit.

http://www.omsi.edu/sciencepubportland
 

just... the idea of this science pub deal just blew my mind a little.... portland IS like they say isn't it.   sigh.  i gotta come visit you.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by hildare 

just... the idea of this science pub deal just blew my mind a little.... portland IS like they say isn't it.   sigh.  i gotta come visit you.

Not to totally de-rail the thread but I moved from Georgia to here 5 years ago. Love it here.

[Imakcerka]

I can't wait to move from Texas back to my beautiful puget sound area... We're thinking Whidbey Island...

Oh and due to these kids ages this is a perfect time to explain to your daughter what is going on and why.  It's not fair and who knows some day she may be an advocate. 

[AbbieB]

Originally Posted by hildare 

abbieb, that was a great post but i have to say this:  gender identity does not necessarily = or imply or disclose sexual orientation. 

<3  

That is absolutely true.

Were you responding to my use of the word homophobic? What would be the better word choice? (I honestly don't know.)

[hildare]

that would be a uav ;)  those parents are pretty jerky. 

[mtiger]

At the end of the day, though, his parents are allowed to set the rules for their child. None of us have to like those rules, but they still have the right to raise him as they see fit. It is not going to get them fingered as abusive.

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by AbbieB 

That is absolutely true.

Were you responding to my use of the word homophobic? What would be the better word choice? (I honestly don't know.)

I don't know...."silly" is a good word for the parents the OP was talking about. Ignorant? I like "jerky" too lol.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

At the end of the day, though, his parents are allowed to set the rules for their child. None of us have to like those rules, but they still have the right to raise him as they see fit. It is not going to get them fingered as abusive.

Actually, I think its hugely abusive. But I'm biased since I had fundie parents try to ram their god down my throat.