Still no sign of my buttercup girl.
Yesterday morning, around 4, I started having contractions...the kind you wonder if maybe they might MAYBE become something to think about...they were 10 minutes apart, but wimpy and nothing to speak of...but, they were noticable, and regular. Sooooo....I made a gigantic apple pie, cleaned the house again...as if there was anything to clean, because seriously...there is nothing amiss in the house right now. I might shampoo the carpets again, just to have something to do. And then, I washed the dogs, and took a looooong bath (a cool one because it is soooo hot here right now.) and then, I went to the gully to visit my twins rock...I planted some buttercup seeds there that I found on the trail just waiting to blow in the wind. Prayed for a long time...sweet meditation and the inner demand for peace and hope and trust. Because...oh...I need those things. Deeply. Ferdinand just lay by my side as I sat there on a stump that I'd rolled over to the rock so I could sit without messing up my hips again. I sat there for about an hour or so. Breathing.
Went home, found a nervous neighboir waiting for me outside. She was all aflutter because she'd seen me walking off and was worried I'd go and have the baby in the woods. Ha! I wish!!! She told me not to scare her like that again. I told her she had nothing to worry about, that I would love to have my baby in the woods, but that wasn't the plan...no...I'd have the baby at home. Then she really freaked. Oh my god....AT HOME??????
Exactly where I should have planned to be from the beginning of this pregnancy instead of wallowing in fear and trauma. Thank goodness I came to my senses before my little girl was born!!
She hugged me and acted SO worried.
Yeah. I need more worry. sigh.
Mother in law called this morning shreaking that she wanted to know why we hadn't called her about the baby.
Dh said "Uh...mom...Sara's due date is today. She hasn't had the baby yet."
I could hear her ranting about how she would have thought I'd be in labor at least by now.
yeah. great. Well, guess what. I am NOT in labor "by now." Thank you for pointing out my defectiveness.
Poor Dh.....He had to leave for work with her screaching in his ear.....
Today is my 15 year olds first day back to highschool...he's excited. He says it's because he's not burned out like his peers...he was homeschooled until last year...this is still a novelty to him...He had a fun summer, and now, he's excited for a fun school year.
Longing to hold my little girl my sweet lady friends. I'm so envious of all of you with your babes nursing.....I know she will be here soon....but...I've waited so long. SO long.......It seems like I've been waiting to hold my baby for two years. Its been two years since our loss....and I've been waiting to heal...to cry those tears of healing....to just.....be.
I made our birth annoucement in the tradition of our little family. I always create an art peice to represent the new arrival into our family....this one is really special to me. I depicted our family, complete with buttercup in my arms sitting upon the earth...looking out into the universe where Simon and Alexander are holding a star....it felt really good to include them. My boys....the ones who didn't get a birth announcement...the ones no one talks about....the ones who are as real to me as any of my other children. So...when people get this announcement, our twins will be there too....and they will have to see. They will have to see the beauty of our WHOLE family.
I see my twins bringing buttercup to us all....safely.....I have to see it that way. I have to.
Michelle.....thank you so much for the package.....your words were so needed. Thank you.....
As much as I wish I could check back later, I know I can't....I can access you on my husbands cell, but it won't let me log in for some reason...so I can only read.....I can't respond. Boo.
Love you all..........so much. Be well.....