Visitors during/after birth

[mamac4260]

De-lurking for a moment...

How is everyone planning on handling visitors during the birth and in the hours/days/weeks following? Someone please tell me I'm not the only one who would rather just be left the heck alone (aside from a few, select people), especially during and in the few days after the birth (at least).

After DC1's birth, our friends and my side of the family were awesomely respectful and let us come to them when we were feeling up to it. On the other hand, my inlaws (in their typical style) were imposing, selfish, and demanding when it came to wanting to see DC and us. Part of this stems from DH's former inability to stand up to his mother and extended family (particularly one aunt and the grandmother). Thankfully he is now much more frank when communicating with them. Either way, my inlaws were in the waiting room, in the recovery room, and around there for the full extent of the visitor hours EVERY day. My MIL apparently even tried to barge into the OR (without permission) while DC1 was being delivered . DC1's birth was an emergency c-section and I was put under general anesthesia. My inlaws actually got to hold and cuddle with him BEFORE I even had a chance to see him. I had no privacy and was so drugged up that I didn't even know how to respond the the constant onslaught of visitors touching MY baby, critiquing MY baby, taking photos of me, eating meals in MY hospital room, wanting to be entertained, etc. Again DH was so excited that he failed in a lot of respects to advocate for me and take into account the fact that I'm generally a pretty private person. What bothered me most was how my inlaws, MIL in particular, felt entitled to be there whenever they want for as long as they want. In her book, grandmothers and mothers have equal stakes in the baby.

Now, five years later, DC1 has seen my inlaws only a handful of times since birth. DC1 vaguely knows who MIL is (he terrified of her), but wouldn't know the other ones from Adam if we happened to run into them on the street. They have not been interested in being a part of his life, and honestly I'd be okay never seeing them again (not just because of the post-birth behavior). The only time we ever hear from MIL is when she wants us to help her move something or wants money. And for what it's worth, I'm an extremely family-oriented person. Family is a huge thing to me. I grew up in a big, tight-knit family and DH, DC1, and I have a close relationship with my extended family (scattered all over the country) as well.

Well... now that DC2 is on the way (due early October), my inlaws have resurfaced. They've been inviting us over on a weekly basis and are all gung-ho about the new baby. Unfortunately they are all semi-local (we're all located in the same metro area). I really need DH to step up to the plate this time and take a stand with them. My MIL is trying her hardest to manipulate him to believe that she's suddenly going to be there for us. She calls the home phone continuously during the day leaving crying messages that she's never going to have the opportunity to be a part of the baby's life (what happened to DC1?!?! ). I would strongly prefer no visitors in the hospital (aside from DH, DC1, my parents, and my sister). DH is fully aware of this as we've had countless discussions on this subject over the last five years. I'd like an opportunity to rest, bond with my baby, and share those precious early moments with the people who will play an integral role in his/her life. There are plenty of holidays coming up where we'll get to the rest of the family and of course we'll see friends casually as it is mutually convenient.

So, in summary (and to answer my own question ): 1) No visitors during the birth (DC1 will either be at school or with my parents); 2) When I feel up to it (and depending on what time the baby arrives), DC1, my parents, and sister may come visit in the hospital; 3) Everyone else can wait until WE are ready to see them.  

[MN BabyDust]

Do you know the attitude/helpfulness of the nursing staff at the hospital? The nurses we met at the tour of our hospital birth center said she should tell them if we don't want visitors, or if things get too out of hand in the room, and they will assist (firmly but respectfully) in getting people to leave. They may have an easier time with pushy family members because they can play the medical authority card and shoo them out for mother's and baby's health needs. But it sounds like the best thing to do is set boundaries before the birth and get on the same page with your DH.

[StephandOwen]

I'm in a semi-similar situation. I do NOT want my MIL anywhere near me when I'm in labor or right after I deliver. Do. Not. Want. In fact, it's such an intense burning in me that if dh did not respect my wishes on this issue, it would be pretty close to divorce worthy for me. Thankfully, dh is completely on-board and supportive. Our plan right now.....

Labor- we'll be laboring at home as long as possible. If ds is at school, this works out perfect. If it's at night then we'll call FIL to warn him that I'm in labor and to keep the phone on him and we'll call when we need him to come over to watch ds (when we go to the hospital). If it's during a time when ds is awake and at home then we'll call FIL to come over and get ds and bring ds to FIL/MIL's house (they live just 5 minutes down the road from us).

Hospital labor/delivery- when we go to the hospital it will just be myself, dh and the doula. Nobody else will be allowed in the labor/delivery room. Period. End of story. MIL knows this. I have no doubts at all that she will still come to the hospital and sit in the waiting room and try to get into the labor/delivery room. The nurses will be informed that she is not welcome, the doula will be helping to keep her out if MIL sneaks past the nurses and- if all else fails- I am not above making a huge scene and calling in hospital security to escort her away from me. I am serious. She will not be near me when I'm laboring/delivering. If she fails to respect my request, she can kiss all contact with her grandchildren goodbye.

After delivery- My ds will be the first person to get to see the baby. So after the baby is born and the chaos settles, dh will call his dad (who will have ds) and ask him to bring ds to the hospital. DH will go out to the waiting room and get ds (NOT his parents). DS will be able to come into the room and bond a little with the baby while we have some family time (dh, me, ds and baby). After a little while (an hour? 2 hours? Depends on how I feel and how quickly I can get moved to a postpartum room), dh's parents will be invited to come in and meet the baby. Again, if MIL doesn't respect this and attempts to enter the room before she's invited, I am not above causing a huge scene and asking hospital security to remove her. If she fails to respect my wishes, contact with her grandchildren will be cut off (and she'll be left sitting in the waiting room while FIL is invited into the room to meet the baby).

Recovery in the hospital- I am hoping to only stay 24 hours (though insurance says 48 hours, I don't really want to stay that long). MIL/FIL will be welcome to come visit for a short period during that 24 hours, but other than that I don't really want people just hanging around in my room (other than dh and ds).

Recovery at home- again, MIL/FIL will be welcome to come visit for short periods, but that's it. I need my time to rest and recover and help ds adjust (he has autism so this will be a huge adjustment for him). I do not need them hanging out in our house for hours every day.

We have explained to MIL/FIL that after dh goes back to work they are NOT to be calling me during the day (unless there is an emergency). MIL is queen of calling "just to make sure everything is fine" and then calling again an hour later "just to make sure everything is fine", and then an hour later calling to ask if I'm getting enough rest, rinse and repeat until I stop answering the phone. I will hang a sign on the door. One side will say "welcome, come on in" and the other side will say "mama and baby are resting, please come back later". Pretty self explanatory, and if MIL fails to respect that sign then all hell will break loose.

[mamac4260]

Originally Posted by MN BabyDust 

Do you know the attitude/helpfulness of the nursing staff at the hospital? The nurses we met at the tour of our hospital birth center said she should tell them if we don't want visitors, or if things get too out of hand in the room, and they will assist (firmly but respectfully) in getting people to leave. They may have an easier time with pushy family members because they can play the medical authority card and shoo them out for mother's and baby's health needs. But it sounds like the best thing to do is set boundaries before the birth and get on the same page with your DH.

Hmm... GREAT idea! Why did that not occur to me?!?! I'm sure the nurses would be extremely helpful in this regard, especially as a backup in case DH starts to waver if/when his mother and her entourage make a huge scene. I'd prefer her to not be present in the hospital at all, I wonder if that is even enforcable? I can just picture her stalking the halls trying to convince someone to hand over her grandchild to her.
 

[mamac4260]

StephandOwen - Thank you for sharing your plan. Lots of good ideas! I might borrow your idea of having your DS be the first visitor. That would probably be a big deal for my kindergarten-aged DS too and I know my mom would respect that and not try to chaperone him in. I'm glad your DH is fully on board with your visitor plan... I hope and pray mine is as well. He says he is, but it's a really touchy topic. He was very physically and emotionally neglected by MIL as a child and desperately craves her love/attention. The birth of grandchildren seems to be the only way he feels like he gets any attention from her, and I think he gets his hopes up that if he just lets her do what she wants she'll love him. I feel like I'm having to walk such a fine line not to accidentally offend him by acting like I have more of a say regarding this child than him... it's just... I'm the patient, the mother who carried this child for nine months, and the sole day-to-day care provider once we leave the hospital. I NEED to stay sane and my inlaws' unwelcomed presence is definitely not conducive to that.

[AKislandgirl]

The first sentence of my birth plan says the names of who will be there with us (my mom, our daughter, and our doula) and that we would like no other visitors unless cleared by us. This worked great last time and the nursing staff checked with us before a friend was allowed to enter the room.

[AlexisT]

my mom is coming to watch DD. So she'll probably visit (luckily, I picked the hospital across town ;) ) She's staying for a week to help out, and I know everyone will come up for the brit if they can, which is going to be a little overwhelming.

In-laws are coming in late October for a week. They live 3,500 miles away so it all had to be planned in advance. They'll get a hotel and it will be fine.

[JessimaTheisen]

Well, I don't have nearly the relationship with my MILs (DH's mom and stepmom) that y'all seem to have, but I can definitely relate to this. I feel so strongly about the birth and immediate postpartum time needing to be private that the idea of having my midwife present makes my skin crawl... I don't know her personally, and I would not be comfortable even to have my own mother present. I am okay with the MW coming soon after the birth, like within a couple hours, but I don't want to see anyone else until I have had several hours alone with my husband and son.

Our plan is that we will invite our immediate family (our parents and siblings, grandparents) to see him a few hours after birth, perhaps more like 10 or 12 hours depending on what time he is born. The rest of the family (our aunts and uncles) will be able to see him the following day. I just can't stand the thought of everyone passing him around and stuff right after I give birth!! I know I am just going to be clutching him like my life depends on it.

[Katico]

Originally Posted by JessimaTheisen 

Well, I don't have nearly the relationship with my MILs (DH's mom and stepmom) that y'all seem to have, but I can definitely relate to this. I feel so strongly about the birth and immediate postpartum time needing to be private that the idea of having my midwife present makes my skin crawl... I don't know her personally, and I would not be comfortable even to have my own mother present. I am okay with the MW coming soon after the birth, like within a couple hours, but I don't want to see anyone else until I have had several hours alone with my husband and son.

Our plan is that we will invite our immediate family (our parents and siblings, grandparents) to see him a few hours after birth, perhaps more like 10 or 12 hours depending on what time he is born. The rest of the family (our aunts and uncles) will be able to see him the following day. I just can't stand the thought of everyone passing him around and stuff right after I give birth!! I know I am just going to be clutching him like my life depends on it.

^^ This!

I don't have a good relationship with my mother and even talking to her about this pregnancy feels like a violation, like I'm giving something precious to a person I don't trust.  She is a very critical person and I want a good buffer around my birth, free from her.  My MIL is coming to take care of DD while we're at the hospital.  My thought is this - I'd like our space while we're in the hospital, hopefully it will only be 24 hours anyway.  Then, we come home and let DD meet her new sister.  MIL and FIL will be here for that but I trust that they will allow DD "first dibs" .  MIL will stay for several days, I assume, to help with DD, but I think she will respect my space and she has told me before how possessive she felt of her own babies - that she was not one to let the baby be passed around willy nilly, so I trust she will understand if I keep the baby mostly to myself.

My parents...well, they can come a few days after.  DH will be handling most of the communication with family after the birth and he will be firm with them (love him).  And close friends can come whenever, a few days PP.  I would rather have a houseful of friends than have my parents in...isn't that sad?

[emmaegbert]

lol, I expect the whole world will just be barging in whenever.

I live downstairs from my parents and my sister, who will be caring for the older two during the birth (its a homebirth).

Because I want my older children to feel free to come and go as they chose during labor and birth, the pretty much means my parents will be too. The younger is only 2yo, so while my 6yo (who will be just weeks/days away from being 7 by EDD) can manage himself to some extent, she will need an adult with her pretty much all the time I think. She is very close with her dad, so maybe DH will be able to cover her needs too, but don't want to put too much on him.

In the past, they were suggesting things like: extended family get-togethers before I was even 2w PP. So, they are into *sharing*. Its not worth the battle, frankly, and we are a close family, so I will just try to roll with it.

Have no idea when ILs will show up. They hate NYC and won't visit us there much, so we probably won't have too much trouble in that regard, though the pressure is likely to mount for us to visit them despite the fact that we will have 3 young kids, no car, and DH is paid hourly... so he really can't take time off for travel. I hope they are not under the impression that we'll be spending xmas holidays traveling to them! (either a 12-hour drive or a 1-hour flight and then a 3-hour drive... or a 12-hour train trip and then a 1-hour drive... i/e, not convenient).

[tutucrazy]

I live on another continent from my family and my DH's family. It won't be an issue here! If I were within striking distance I'd have something worked out in advance. You can make a guest list for the hospital and tell them to turn away anyone who isn't on that list.

[dollyanna]

We found out that kids under 14 aren't allowed to visit at our hospital during flu season (starting October 1) so DSS will be able to visit but DD won't unless the baby is born early.  It might be better anyway as DD will not want to leave me...  A friend of mine gave birth during the swine flu scare, and she wasn't allowed ANYONE besides her DH.

Last time around somehow everyone turned up at the same time -- so my tiny room was super-crowded.  Will try to avoid that this time.  Come to think of it, this time at the hospital tour there was no furniture in the post-partum rooms except a bed and a cradle. Hmmm...

Last time I had to break it to my Mom that she would NOT be coming to the hospital until after the baby was born.  I gave her the impression that only DH was allowed in the delivery room (true, but that was my call, not the hospital's!) and told the truth about the waiting room being extremely uncomfortable.

My parents were actually pretty respectful of my space last time around, but this time around my Mom isn't working and seems like she's looking for something to do so I could see that becoming a problem.  She has a car seat so she'll be able to pick DD up from school sometimes... as long as she doesn't expect me to cook her dinner every time!

[ThreeCats]

Originally Posted by dollyanna 

We found out that kids under 14 aren't allowed to visit at our hospital during flu season (starting October 1)

Ugh. I hadn't even thought of this - I know one of the hospitals around here had a similar policy last year...but I don't remember if it was the one we're delivering at or not. I'll be really upset if DS can't come visit, especially if we end up having another 48-hour stay...we've never even left him overnight. I'd really like DS to meet his new brother or sister before anyone else, and if he can't come to the hospital...I guess that means no one can. That will upset my MIL for sure, and I'll go crazy spending 2 days in the hospital without visitors. *sigh*

[AKChix0r]

At the birth center, it will be me, the midwife team, my husband, and our doula. I am supposed to call my mom when I go into labor so she can start the three hour drive to here, but the more I think about it, the less I like the idea. Even if I call her while pushing or right before, that's still only a few hours of time with just me, DH, and the new baby before (up to) a week of having my mom there. Add in the fact that my mom has been acting like a self-absorbed teenager lately, and I'm really just not feeling up to it. No one else will even know I'm in labor, and I don't have to worry about visitors at the birth center, so all is well there.

My inlaws are going to buy plane tickets as soon as we tell them the baby is here, but they are giving us a few weeks to ourselves first. I'm torn, because I know I could use help, but I also know that both moms aren't going to understand the whole cosleeping/babywearing/breastfeeding thing, and I'm really sensitive to what I perceive as criticism. I can imagine postpartum hormones won't help...

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by ThreeCats 



Ugh. I hadn't even thought of this - I know one of the hospitals around here had a similar policy last year...but I don't remember if it was the one we're delivering at or not. I'll be really upset if DS can't come visit, especially if we end up having another 48-hour stay...we've never even left him overnight. I'd really like DS to meet his new brother or sister before anyone else, and if he can't come to the hospital...I guess that means no one can. That will upset my MIL for sure, and I'll go crazy spending 2 days in the hospital without visitors. *sigh*

If the rule is in effect at your hospital, double check with the Labor/Delivery/Recovery nurses. We were told that while there are rules about ages of kids who can visit, they make exceptions if the kid is the big brother/sister. They just don't want *other* kids coming into the rooms, but siblings are fine.

[ThreeCats]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen 

If the rule is in effect at your hospital, double check with the Labor/Delivery/Recovery nurses. We were told that while there are rules about ages of kids who can visit, they make exceptions if the kid is the big brother/sister. They just don't want *other* kids coming into the rooms, but siblings are fine.

Good to know! Thanks!

[akind1]

We live with my IL's so what I might like and what's going to happen are 2 different things. MIL was at the hospital for the entire ride with DS (despite me not really wanting her there) - from the induction (with cytotec the night Thursday night) through DS's actual birth at 11 p.m. Friday. I think she only left the room during cervical checks and when my parents were there to visit.  For this birth, she's decided she's staying home with DS. which is 1) fine with me but also 2) makes me kind of sad she doesn't seem to want to be there to greet this new LO. I kind of figured she'd come and leave FIL home with DS -who is far better with him,more laid back. DS won't be quite 2 when this baby is born, so I don't want him in the delivery room, else I'd have him come with us.

And since we are with the IL's this go-round, and all of DH's family are slightly more geographically closer than they were for the birth of DS, I expect we will likely have plenty of visitors. If need be, I will be retreating with the baby upstairs, and they can visit with MIL, DH, and DS.

Generally, I like visitors  - I was bored after DS's birth, can you imagine? - but even I have my limits.

[lifeguard]

I was going to say the same thing as Steph - around here generally siblings are exempt from the no children rule.

Dh & my Mom are going to be there for the labour/delivery. At least that is the plan but I'm having second thoughts on it. For one thing my Mom is going away next week for the week & then again the week I am due - so she might not even be around. But more importantly I am having my doubts that she can handle seeing me in pain/discomfort. When I discuss not having drugs she says things like "but you will take them if you need them" & "I just don't want it to be too hard for you". I've made it VERY clear that I do NOT under any circumstance want drugs to be offered to me but I'm unsure she'll be able to resist suggesting it if she feels it's too hard.

It's kind of odd to me 'cause one of the things she most remembers (regretfully) with the birth of my brother is that the nurse wanted to give her something, she refused & the nurse said "we'll just do half" & injected her. She doesn't remember the actual moment of his birth as a result (I don't know what the drug was). So I think it is odd she would encourage it for me.

The primary reason I want her to be there is actually for dh. He found it very overwelming & intense being my only support with ds & I was hoping this way they could trade off some. I'm not really sure what to do with it.

My MIL lives with us & every so often makes mention of being there but it is absolutely out of the question - luckily dh fully agrees with me & will tell her no the day of if it presents itself (she works full time right now so chances are high she won't be around when we go in). The rule is max 2 people in labour/delivery so if dh & my Mom are there they won't let her in anyway.

For the short time we are in the hospital (hopefully short) I suspect we will have few visitors - most of our friends live in the city the opposite direction & it would be a 2 hour drive for them. No other family around. My only thing will be that I will want them to bring ds in asap to meet his sister. With the drive that means the quickest he will be there will be an hour after the birth.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 
The rule is max 2 people in labour/delivery so if dh & my Mom are there they won't let her in anyway..

This is part of the reason we're hiring a doula. The rule here is 2 max in labor/delivery so it'll be dh and the doula. MIL won't be able to come in

[Katico]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen 

This is part of the reason we're hiring a doula. The rule here is 2 max in labor/delivery so it'll be dh and the doula. MIL won't be able to come in