or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Archives › Pregnancy and Birth Archives › Due Date Clubs 2009 - 2012 › October 2011 › Visitors during/after birth
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Visitors during/after birth - Page 2

post #21 of 31
My IL's are local, and my parents live about 650 miles away. We're going to call my mom when I have any thought of going into labor, because I'd prefer that she watch DS while we're in the hospital - I have a good relationship with my IL's, but I'm just not comfortable with them having DS overnight yet. Mom was in the room with us when DS was born, which was great - my brother and I were both adopted, so it was mom's first experience with live birth. The IL's visited several times during labor...and I'd prefer they not do that this time. MIL is sweet, but not exactly what you would call a "calming" presence. Ideally, we'll have mom bring DS to meet his new brother or sister shortly after the birth (depending on time of day, of course), then my IL's can come after that. As far as other visitors go...we'll see how we feel - we had a bunch of friends come to see us in the hospital last time, which was fine (I hate hospitals, and needed some distraction) but I just have this sense that I'll want more privacy this time for some reason. If DS isn't allowed to visit for whatever reason, we'll wait to introduce the baby to anyone (except maybe my mom, if she and DH want to trade places for a while) until we get home, as we'd like DS to get to meet the new baby first.

DH doesn't really seem to agree with my "plan" but he'll be supportive anyway - hopefully there won't be any fights to fight, but he's pretty good at standing up to his mom if he needs to be.

My dad will head this way as soon as he can (his job keeps him busy) and my brother will probably show up too. Aside from that, we won't have any out-of-town visitors. We pretty much had an open door when DS was born, which was fine - everyone that visited was good at letting me rest if I needed to, and offering to help out. He was a summer baby, though, so I wasn't that worried about illness. With this one due in the middle of flu season, I'm a bit more concerned about germ exposure so we'll probably be a little more selective about our visitors. I'm worried more about *me* getting sick than the baby, TBH - I have a fairly weak immune system, and tend to get sick if a sick person looks at me (at least it seems that way)...and I don't want to have to worry about caring for a newborn and a toddler while I have the flu.
post #22 of 31

I feel your pain.


Your MIL sounds like my mom. I don't think my mom would actually try to barge in anywhere, but she definitely seems to believe grandmothers and mothers are equal and has little to no regard for my feelings/wishes around birth.


BUT -- this is our fourth and our last, and things are very different from when our first was born. Fortunately but unfortunately, my mom and I are not currently speaking (mostly imposed by me), and on the rare occasions we've communicated, I've made it clear I don't want her around for the birth. I've no doubt she is terribly offended by this, but y'know, for once I am truly protecting myself and putting myself and my family first, so that cookie will have to crumble where it may.


At the same time, having a fourth child is obviously going to necessitate some help for us. Especially because I must have a planned cesarean, so my recovery will be a bit tougher. We have asked DH's mom to come for two weeks, and that may even turn into more, depending on a variety of factors. We're also temporarily hiring a sitter, reaching out to friends and community and basically trying to surround ourselves with as much help as possible in the weeks after the birth.


That said, last time my MIL was here she took pictures at the hospital, promised me they were just for me, then promptly sent them to her brothers. So this time, DH is going to tell her to leave her camera at home but that we would love her to take pictures with *our* camera, if she would. She actually has a pretty good eye sometimes, but like you I feel it's a vulnerable time and I want to be able to control which pictures go out and to whom.


As for hospital visitors, she will probably bring our other kids to visit the day of the delivery -- they all are anxious to meet the baby and I will be tired but I can manage that, especially as I said provided she doesn't have her own camera ... but, there's really no one else to visit us besides a couple of DH's siblings, maybe his dad and dad's girlfriend ... and, I could ask DH to tell them all to stay away but frankly I find the hospital stay a bit long and lonely and as long it's not someone emotionally upsetting to me, I enjoy (brief) company. My mom would be upsetting, though, and it sounds like your MIL falls into that category.


Honestly, bottom line, your DH needs to say very simply that you two don't want visitors in the hospital and that he will let her know when you all are ready for that as a family, after you get home. If you feel at all concerned that your DH won't be firm enough, or that your MIL will disregard whatever he says anyway, definitely speak to the staff as soon as you check in and make it clear you want NO visitors AT ALL except your husband -- AT ANY TIME.  Seriously, they cannot just let people walk into your room without permission, that's just crazy.


GL and let us know how it goes!

post #23 of 31

With my #2 and #3 I wanted visitors right afterwards. In fact, with #2 we had a little pizza party when we got home from the hospital and various friends/family were at our apartment. It was wonderful. #3 was born at home, and we had the older kids call everyone and whoever wanted to visit, could. My FIL was the first visitor(my mom was here for the birth), the kids called him while I was in the shower after the birth and he got here before I was done in the shower. It was a very special time for us and I adored having the family come see the new baby. I plan on visitors coming over this time, also, after things are cleaned up.


The only reason I didn't want visitors with #1 was I had an episiotomy and then ended up with 4th deg tear and was in such pain I couldn't stand even coming out of the bedroom :( That baby was the first grandchild and greatgrandchild for all the grandparents and so it was a big deal for them.

post #24 of 31
Originally Posted by Katico View Post

^^ This!


I don't have a good relationship with my mother and even talking to her about this pregnancy feels like a violation, like I'm giving something precious to a person I don't trust.  She is a very critical person and I want a good buffer around my birth, free from her.  My MIL is coming to take care of DD while we're at the hospital.  My thought is this - I'd like our space while we're in the hospital, hopefully it will only be 24 hours anyway.  Then, we come home and let DD meet her new sister.  MIL and FIL will be here for that but I trust that they will allow DD "first dibs" .  MIL will stay for several days, I assume, to help with DD, but I think she will respect my space and she has told me before how possessive she felt of her own babies - that she was not one to let the baby be passed around willy nilly, so I trust she will understand if I keep the baby mostly to myself.


My parents...well, they can come a few days after.  DH will be handling most of the communication with family after the birth and he will be firm with them (love him).  And close friends can come whenever, a few days PP.  I would rather have a houseful of friends than have my parents in...isn't that sad?



Katico, sounds like you and I have much in common regarding our moms.


I have drawn a line around my comfort zone, and it sounds like you have, too.


Sad, but I think best in the end.


I feel the same about a house full of friends rather than my mom. GL.

post #25 of 31

Steph, I think you just need to get a cattle prod for that pesky MIL of yours orngbiggrin.gif.


I second (or third or fourth?) the suggestion that those having a hospital birth and wishing to restrict visitors make sure that the hospital staff is aware of who is allowed and who isn't, and to include that info in your birth plan.


AFM, we're birthing at home and it'll just be me, DH, the midwife and her assistant, and my doula/sister. As of right now, the plan is to not even let anyone else know I'm in labor, and to just call with the news after baby is born and we've had enough alone time together that we feel ready for visitors (my feeling is that I will want at least a day or two alone with baby and DH, but who knows, I may be so excited that I want visitors right away...either way, this plan gives us the flexibility to encourage or restrict visitors as much as we want). Luckily, when I rather timidly brought it up with my mom, she immediately said "Oh gosh, don't even tell me when you're in labor because I'll just worry myself sick...call after the baby is out!" so I don't even have to worry about offending her.


We get along just fine with all of my family and my in-laws, it's just that there are so darn many of them (I have 9 siblings...add in spouses, children, etc. and it becomes a big number pretty quickly) that I think it would be totally overwhelming to not restrict or at least control visitation...babies are a big deal in my family, so if we're not careful we'll end up with literally 15-25 people crowded around the bed at once all wanting to hold the baby.

post #26 of 31

Re: unwanted picture taking/sharing


What is up with that!!!!!  It is SUCH a vulnerable time, and such a private time I feel...and you look kind of crazy on top of it.  My SIL came to visit 2 days after DD was born and took a million pictures, most of which were unflattering to me AND the baby, then smeared them all over FB....like.....you're introducing my baby to the world before *I* can, AND your pictures are crap!  AND I look like hell in them too!    NO!!

post #27 of 31

Luckily we just bundled my boundary-challenged MIL back off to England after 3+ weeks visiting, and my mom has no interest in watching me give birth, so it should be easy for us to enforce a me+DH+doula rule in labor and delivery.  I will probably stay in the mom+baby unit for about a day after delivering, and I'm not really sure how to handle visitors then.  I'll definitely invite my mom for a bit, and maybe some friends?  Many of our friends are doctors who work in that hospital in a different department, so I imagine they might waltz by on their break or something.  I suppose that's okay.  I don't know.  It seems like it would be really nice to share new baby excitement with our friends, but I don't want a non-stop flow of visitors all day long.  Maybe we'll ask people to text DH first to arrange a visiting time, and have unit clerks check with us before sending people back.  I hope that's something the staff can accommodate.  Once we go home it should be a lot easier to control visits - I think anyone who wanted to visit would probably call or text first, and they're all people we can comfortably tell to go away.  


I hope.    

post #28 of 31

Great. I am now terrified my MIL will be making a surprise trip over without telling us. SIL said a couple months ago that MIL planed to come here AND be present at the delivery (she was pissed that SIL wouldn't let her attend her delivery) yet has said nothing to us about it. Fortunately our hospital will not allow more than 2 people in for delivery and both must be specified by the mother. Still, hoping she gets the hint when I told her we will fly over to England for Christmas rather than just showing up on our doorstep.

post #29 of 31

lol on germs. I have 2 older kids so they will bring home plenty of germs anyway. and friends who had kids at hospitals, I think the sibs were all able to visit. I did visit friends whose baby was exactly 6 weeks younger than mine- and I couldn't bring baby! But I know their son came to meet his brother.


...and to those who said they get bored/lonely PP, that happens to me too, actually. I am NOT a person who wants to hole up for a few weeks. Though I need my down time, and I love being with my kids, I can easily start feeling trapped by DCs... well, especially by DBs who are so freaking unrelenting in their needs!


post #30 of 31
Not safe anymore.
Edited by Veronika01 - 11/4/11 at 12:20am
post #31 of 31

I *really* don't want a lot of people visiting after since I'm having my baby at home. At least in the hospital-you don't have to worry about how messy your house looks to visitors. On the otherhand, at home you don't have to worry about wearing pajamas that make your butt everyone elses business!!

Our plan is to not tell anyone that the baby was born until we're ready for visitors. Except for my mom and dad.  Dad will take our kids out if this happens during the day, and my mom has been there for my first two births and i'm REALLY glad she was. The woman should be a doula-she knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. Things even a husband wouldn't know. Yet she manages to be there without stepping on any toes or breaking any boundries, or making dh feel inadequate. I love her.

DH's parents aren't too invasive...but they do occasionally like to show up unannounced-which isn't a huge deal. But after the baby is born would be a really bad time for that to happen, as i'm always terrified of what my mil would think of the state of my house, and I really really REALLY don't want to be worrying about whether or not my dishes are done while i'm holding my brand new baby and trying to bond with her.
(MIL is an absolute neat freak-the woman actually combs the fringes on her rug so that they lay right.) Our house, on the otherhand, is, well, lived in. Not dirty, but we always have a pile of laundry ready to be folded hanging out on the couch, a stack of junk mail on the kitchen counter, some toys here and there, my sewing stuff on the dining room table etc. And, our countertops in our bathroom usually have some muddy little handprints. I don't CARE. But I can tell that she does-and I don't want to be worrying about that. (and no, I absolutely do NOT want her cleaning my house for me...eeek!! she did that once while I was on vacation...long story, but I nearly died.)

Also, when trying to establish breastfeeding, it isn't always comfortable to have people around watching! Especially if you aren't sure how your baby nurses most comfortably, or if their latch was off etc. I don't want my Dad, brother in law and father in law standing around as i'm trying to do this. Once we get the hang of it, sure, then I can do it in a way that won't feel like i'm sitting there, well, naked, in front of my Dad and FIL!

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: October 2011
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Archives › Pregnancy and Birth Archives › Due Date Clubs 2009 - 2012 › October 2011 › Visitors during/after birth