my DF's fault.. and child support worth it?

[victoriasmommy86]

Ex says the amount of $ he pays in support is too much because he doesn't get that much access.

I could really do without the support. its kinda a drop in the bucket. I've been saving it in a bank account for DD.

Should I let it drop or persue it, I could really do without it and I don't want him to be talking about me being greedy...

Anyway he says he would feel more fatherly towards DD, and help out more with $, if it wasn't for my DF.

DF has been with me since I found out I was pregnant and DD is 4 now. She starting calling him daddy at 2, when ex was not in the picture. My mom said... well he is the closest thing to a dad she has. He is there every night, changed diapers. snuggles her, finanically helps and disciplines.

This infuriates ex, when he decided he wanted visitation and child support was established I told him he was not around and DF has been playing the role and DD calls him daddy. but he could be "dad" for clarity's sake or whatever he chooses.

I understand it hurts, but to be mad at my DF for being there, for supporting us, and blame him bc DD is slow to warm up to him, doesn't help anyone.

DF and I are getting married next year, so we will be living together.

I'm sure that it will feel funny when I hear my DD call ex'es wife "mom" one day. But I know its irrational and I'm going to have to deal with it, and I hope she will be a good step mom. And thats my issue to get over.

But I just don't know what to say to ex. The social worker has told him, that DF is in her life, and has been and he's going to have to get over it. But I just didn't know until he exploded with the "your bf takes my place and she'd love me more if it wasn't for him"

Me, DF, him and his wife and DD have been to lunch! and I thought we had an ok time. All politeness. But I'm thinking I should def NOT tell DF ex feels this way, bc DF is always nice and I want that to continue to be genuine.

How do we recover?

[Mummoth]

I don't think there IS much you can say other than "We can't change the past, it is what it is. Your relationship with her now and in the future is what she's going to remember when she grows up" *I* wouldn't be able to word it in a way that would be received well, but I'd want to say something like "Maybe it's time to stop complaining about DF and focus on what you're doing." too. I wouldn't engage in 'what if' debates with him, the social worker is right, just echo what she says.

I wouldn't give up child support,either. If he wants it reduced he can apply to make that happen... DD is only going to get more an more expensive as she grows, and every little bit helps. Child support now could make a difference in how much money she needs to take out in loans as a young adult... whatever the amount is, I'm sure a college student wouldn't consider it a drop in the bucket! There might be a point 5 or 10 years from now that you DO need the support, and trying to get it reestablished would be an extra stress you don't need.

[aricha]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

I don't think there IS much you can say other than "We can't change the past, it is what it is. Your relationship with her now and in the future is what she's going to remember when she grows up" 

That is excellent.

[Flor]

In my state (CA) CS is really just a computer program where they input parents' incomes and out pops a number. If there is a change in income, the CS can be reduced usually. We don't make up the CS number. Is it similar there? In that case, if he really does need a reduction, he could file for one. He might just feel like its too much, when really its in line with similar incomes in your state. I also agree with continuing to collect and saving it for your daughter if you don't need it now. I had a friend whose child support paid from her dad paid her rent while she was in college. Or it could be used for a car (for her, of course), an investment, college, summer camps, medical emergency  later, etc.

[aricha]

Originally Posted by victoriasmommy86 

Ex says the amount of $ he pays in support is too much because he doesn't get that much access.

I didn't catch this the first time through, but in many states, the parent is credited for their parenting time, so they pay LESS support the MORE time they have with their child. Since child support theoretically goes toward supporting the child's needs, if the parent is meeting those needs directly (ie providing a bedroom and clothes, buying meals, paying for diapers to use during their pwn parenting time, etc), that is counted as part of their financial contribution. So, all incomes being equal, a parent who NEVER see their child would pay MORE in child support, while a parent who has a 50/50 custody schedule would pay LESS CS.

If that is how it works in your state, spending less time with your daughter would actually *increase* his obligation, while increasing his time with her would theoretically decrease his CS obligation. I'm not advocating that he spend more time with her simply to reduce his financial obligation to you, I'm just saying that his idea that he owes you less because he spends less time with his daughter is totally backward from the way CS often works.
 

[sparklefairy]

"your bf takes my place and she'd love me more if it wasn't for him"

OR, she'd love you more if you'd been involved regularly from the beginning?

[VocalMinority]

You could go either way, with CS - as long as you don't choose something that makes you resent your ex more.

He conceived a baby with you.  Legally (and IMO morally) he is obligated to support her financially.  Legally, this has absolutely nothing to do with how much he gets to see her, or what she calls him.

Also, call me sexist, but I think especially for men, providing for their children helps them feel self-confident, as parents.  I think continuing to support his daughter - being able to tell himself he's providing her college fund, if that's where the money's going - would eventually help him get over his insecurity about being displaced by your DF and learn to develop and value his own relationship with her.  I also think not paying support anymore would just deepen his sense of insecurity and inadequacy, as a father.

However, you know him.  If you think him feeling like he got you to concede something (to let him out of child support) would give him some sort of helpful ego-boost...and if you can truly afford to go without the money...AND if it's not going to make you have a bad attitude toward him, that might get transmitted to your daughter...then do it.  It's not "wrong"!

As far as your DF...If there's more to the story (let's say, you hid your pregnancy from your ex and he would've been overjoyed to be involved, but he didn't know about his kid until she was 2 and had already started calling your DF "Daddy"...), then maybe a heart-felt apology to him for how things turned out would go a long way, coupled with a show of effort to let him have special time with her.  If he was just a jerk who didn't start caring until she was 2, then his stress is simply not your problem to deal with.  He did it to himself.  You don't have to be mean to him about it.  But if he gets loud, it's fine to tell him - calmly - "Look, you weren't there.  Our daughter and I didn't owe it to you, not to get attached to anyone else, if you didn't feel you owed it to us, to stick around.  But you're here now, so start building a relationship with her.  Just quit trying to blame it on someone else that she doesn't think of you as Daddy.  Own it and move forward."

I don't think you should keep it from your DF, though.  If he's going to raise another man's child, he needs to be man enough to know that your ex is jealous and resentful and feels displaced...and to still be able to be polite to your ex, in public.  It will never be good for your daughter, for all of you to be nasty to each other.  If you're going to spend the rest of your life with DF, you shouldn't keep secrets from him. Maybe he'll have something helpful or insightful to say about it?  Maybe there will be a moment when he and your ex can have a man-to-man and he can say something that will help your ex deal with the situation?  But he can't possibly, if he doesn't know what's going on.

[victoriasmommy86]

ty Jeannine & everyone else!

We are in the Bahamas so things are kinda just whatever social services recommends for each case and what they personally feel like.

Ex didnt pay any child support for the first year & lied then admitted then lied about his drug use, So I told him to get a court order for visitation and child support and drug tests if he wanted to be around. We didn't hear from him for a year. I klnow *most* kids when they get older and find out they have a bio dad need to know they he loved them so if he's going to be in her life earlier is better I guess.

So this is my next question.

I know in the US he would prolly have been assigned every other weekend w/ overnights or w/e right outta the gate.

BC she didnt know him it was ordered that we have visits at the local playground with me there for 1 hour once a week. After 3 months SS would review to see if he was able to take care of her alone......................Well thats been ongoing and she is very shy with men. Very clingy in general, and hasnt responded to any of his asking to take her to his house without me. She will include him in a ball rolling game but doesnt want him to pick her up. The social worker suggested my DF and he and his wife go to a restuarant and pool for 4 hours every other saturday. This would make it less pressure and be something to look foward to. Often before DD's hour at the playground is up she would wanna go home. We have been twice and had polite conversation all around.

But since yet more nasty things have been said about me and DF, I'm really not in the mood. I mean I wont say anything mean but I'm not up for chatting when all these nasty things have been said to me. I guess in the US they'd have a certified 3rd party help, but we don't have that and DD doesnt just go with strangers.

What is the alternative? Obviously we can't get along..................I know the courts here would at this point order him to take her unsupervised and I know she'd cry in the corner... But I guess she'd get used to it. I'm just an Bf'ing attachment hippy momma who doesnt think that the state should have the power to do that to my DD, which I think would be harmful, when patience will get their relationship where it needs to be positively.

[victoriasmommy86]

when we set up the agreement.

I suggest $100 a week and 1 hour of visitation twice a week.

He agreed to the hours with DD but negotiated down to $75 a week for the CS. I didn't make a fuss b/c I didnt want to go to court and waste more $ on court fees and counsel.