not teaching him "tricks" - Page 2

[colsxjack]

Maybe you could let her know what his signs are for moving on and not wanting to participate in an activity any longer. And.or show her other things that your son enjoys doing and playing that will also be fun for her. That may at least give her more fun and show her that the one game isn;t all he van do and also help her to read his cues. Some people are not great at reading childrens cues, Hopefully she will then play a wider variety of games with him and allow him the opportunity to express his "skills" more,

[treeoflife3]

If the baby pays attention and cooperates when you try to teach them something, it means they want to learn it.  You aren't stealing their autonomy by teaching them something they didn't ask to be taught.

What the heck kind of baby is there that could even say 'hey, I hear there is this 'so big' game where you ask how big I am and I raise my arms and then you squeal SOOO BIIIIIG like an idiot... I want to learn that and play it!'

believe it or not.. babies can't tell you what they want to learn.  You just teach them things til they stop paying attention.

[holothuroidea]

Again, I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but I don't expect this level of venom, either! Sheesh!

You clearly don't understand. I don't know why you are defensive.

Originally Posted by treeoflife3 

If the baby pays attention and cooperates when you try to teach them something, it means they want to learn it.  You aren't stealing their autonomy by teaching them something they didn't ask to be taught.

What the heck kind of baby is there that could even say 'hey, I hear there is this 'so big' game where you ask how big I am and I raise my arms and then you squeal SOOO BIIIIIG like an idiot... I want to learn that and play it!'

believe it or not.. babies can't tell you what they want to learn.  You just teach them things til they stop paying attention.

[zinemama]

Grandma is providing free childcare and you are kvetching over "so big," a game gazillions of happy babies have played with parents and grandparents. I don't get it.

[marinak1977]

Originally Posted by treeoflife3 

If the baby pays attention and cooperates when you try to teach them something, it means they want to learn it.  You aren't stealing their autonomy by teaching them something they didn't ask to be taught.

What the heck kind of baby is there that could even say 'hey, I hear there is this 'so big' game where you ask how big I am and I raise my arms and then you squeal SOOO BIIIIIG like an idiot... I want to learn that and play it!'

believe it or not.. babies can't tell you what they want to learn.  You just teach them things til they stop paying attention.

I do not read this post as defensive at all. in fact PP you sound very defensive yourself. Not every adult initiated interaction is detrimental to a toddler. I'm sorry that your MIL is overbearing, but I don't see the same situation happening in the OP. Just sounds like an excited grandma that is proud of her grandson.
My DS is very very good at limiting games and interactions to the ones he wants. Unless you were to physically restrain him you couldn't force him to "learn" anything he didn't want. He would just ignore you no matter how loud you got.

OP, I find that for some reason witnessing the interactions between my MIL and DS makes me irritated too (I have to stifle the need to micromanage and keep the "you're doing it wrong" comments inside). I'd limit my fights to the big things, but otherwise, try to find a place out of earshot to work. This way you won't feel compelled to fix things. They will find their own balance. If your toddler is anything like my toddler and your MIL is not an evil authoritarian, he will soon put her in her place himself.
Good luck!

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by holothuroidea 

Again, I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but I don't expect this level of venom, either! Sheesh!

You clearly don't understand. I don't know why you are defensive.

                      

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by eclipse 

Honestly, it sounds like she's just trying to play a game with him. Unless it's upsetting to him, I don't get why it's upsetting to you.

^^This^^ was my thought.

I agree with a lot of what has been said here. I would not tolerate, for example, anyone telling my boy it's "wrong" to let a dinosaur eat a tree, or using excessive praise like some have described. People always try to get him to wave bye bye, and he often doesn't and DH and I just say "oh well, he doesn't want to" and people just let it go at that.

But the OP's original situation described sounds pretty harmless to me. My MIL does this too and DS plays along and it's *fun*. She does not pressure him and if he doesn't do it she lets it go. So, it's fine by me. I would say, OP, if your ex-MIL is pressuring him or pushing him when he doesn't comply....then maybe step in and say "I know how fun it is when he does it, but I think it's better to just let it go if he isn't into it right now". Otherwise, it gives her joy and I just can't see the harm in it (IF she's not pressuring him and IF he happily does it), so why interfere?

[Marsupialmom]

Learn to play with your kid?  Seriously!! There are many baby books that teach you games for your toddlers.  This is one of them!! I actually had several books with titles Games to Play wit Baby - because my parents never interacted with me this way.  I had to learn from books how to interact with my kids. 

It is right up there with playing peek a boo,  this little piggy, making animal sounds, patty cake, or itsy bitsy spider.  

[akind1]

I think it may help, like a PP said, to kind of show or explain your toddler's signs of being "done" with something to your MIL (mine doesn't get it either, and if you don't stop pretty early, DS gets really frustrated and then no one is happy!) - for example my MIL is a huge kisser/snuggler, sometimes DS tolerates this very well, others he is squirming to get down and away. I have to say (like it's not obvious) - that "hey, let him down to play, he doesn't want snuggles right now" - DS isn't playing with you, he honestly doesn't want kisses/snuggles right now. same with tickling (which is more of a FIL thing, but he reads DS's cues a lot better than MIL)

as far as tricks and games - so long as they aren't pushed/forced I have no problem with them. We really haven't done "so big!" but we do pat-a-cake and itsy-bitsy spider, sometimes DS will play along, others not. I try to encourage - but not force - greeting and waving good-bye, and we've started on "please" I think most of everyone here is on the same page regarding the "good" and "bad". I'll admit, we do say "good job!" sometimes, because I want to focus on the behavior.

I think as long as your MIL is on the same page as you with the BIG stuff, let the little stuff slide. We live with the IL's at the moment, and I bite my tongue alot. I hate the phrase "he has to learn . . ." - like sitting in a high chair vs. a lap, or having some one else do bed time, or sitting in a cart at the store . . .anyway, I digress.

[treeoflife3]

Originally Posted by holothuroidea 

Again, I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but I don't expect this level of venom, either! Sheesh!

You clearly don't understand. I don't know why you are defensive.

I'm not being defensive at all.  And no, I don't understand.  I would kill for free childcare and you'd get rid of it over a game every single person has ever played with their babies... except you apparently... because it takes away his autonomy?  Just tell her what his signs for being done are if he isn't loud and pushy about it and then be thankful she loves him enough to even interact with him.  Of all the awful things she could be doing that would give reason to end FREE CHILDCARE, this is definitely not one of them.  I could understand if she refuses to do anything besides sit him front of the tv... but she actually wants to play with him.  I can't even imagine telling someone 'hey, I know you play with my kid but I'm going to have to fire you even though I don't even have to pay you because you just don't do it correctly.'  This isn't a get rid of a FANTASTIC opportunity you have type of deal.  You just need to talk to her and explain that she needs to stop if he is showing certain signs.

[greenmulberry]

I think it sounds sweet that Grandma is enjoying playing with him, babies love the so big game. If you are looking for alternate childcare over this, you are going to have a very hard time finding a situation where the care providers don't play these traditional baby games.

[ContentMama]

I'm mostly going to relax about this and focus on all the positives, and I love the idea of being out of earshot. Of course there is more to the story than this (isn't there always?) but I'll leave it at that for now.

Also, to note, just because something is "the norm" doesn't mean it's "harmless, ok, no big deal, etc". That's the sense I'm getting from many of your replies. If anything I ask WHY is this the norm? What is behind it? What is the core to it? Often it is based in fear as that's how our world runs and the training passes down the generation line. Maybe MIL is scared that if ds doesn't do such and such that he's "not normal" or falling behind or..or..or..

Or it could be that she is just relating to him the way she knows how and both enjoy the exchange. I'll leave it go for now and intervene if necessary.

Of all the awful things she could be doing that would give reason to end FREE CHILDCARE, this is definitely not one of them.  I could understand if she refuses to do anything besides sit him front of the tv... but she actually wants to play with him.  I can't even imagine telling someone 'hey, I know you play with my kid but I'm going to have to fire you even though I don't even have to pay you because you just don't do it correctly.'  This isn't a get rid of a FANTASTIC opportunity you have type of deal.  You just need to talk to her and explain that she needs to stop if he is showing certain signs.

I can respect where you are coming from: it's free. I don't have alot of money, but if it came down to it I would pay to feel like my son was being respected. Or I would do childcare swapping or figure something else out. This isn't clothing or toy choices, this is part of his foundation for his entire life.

[ContentMama]

Originally Posted by holothuroidea 

Again, I don't expect a lot of people to agree with me, but I don't expect this level of venom, either! Sheesh!

You clearly don't understand. I don't know why you are defensive.

I'm not being defensive at all.  And no, I don't understand.  I would kill for free childcare and you'd get rid of it over a game every single person has ever played with their babies... except you apparently... because it takes away his autonomy?  Just tell her what his signs for being done are if he isn't loud and pushy about it and then be thankful she loves him enough to even interact with him.  Of all the awful things she could be doing that would give reason to end FREE CHILDCARE, this is definitely not one of them.  I could understand if she refuses to do anything besides sit him front of the tv... but she actually wants to play with him.  I can't even imagine telling someone 'hey, I know you play with my kid but I'm going to have to fire you even though I don't even have to pay you because you just don't do it correctly.'  This isn't a get rid of a FANTASTIC opportunity you have type of deal.  You just need to talk to her and explain that she needs to stop if he is showing certain signs.

Oh and I am the original poster--- I'm not sure who you are directing this post to. Anytime I see all caps I think 'defensive'.

[akind1]

As far as the games go, there is a point to it - interaction for one - I'm sure there are other more complex ones. and I don't see anything wrong with adult directed play - to a point.  If you just handed my son a bunch of blocks a few months ago, he's look at them and go play with something else, he'd have no clue what to do with them. But my mom sits and builds things with him, and he "gets" that you are supposed to build with them. sometimes he just wants to tear them down, or toss them back in their container, and all of those things are ok (and thankfully my mom doesn't seem to care what he does with them, so long as he's not throwing them at people or the dog). 

As far as normal . . . I think there are some things that my DS doesn't do that it never occured to me to do with him, and when people try to do those things (can't think of any at the moment, preggo brain!) I just say we haven't done that. Take high 5's for instance - yes he does them now, but he hasn't always. and it's well within the realm of "normal" - why do people teach this "trick" - well, hand-eye coordination, a way of greeting someone that is a little less . . .touchy? than say a hug, just as a way of interacting with a toddler, as there is only so much you can do. I do think it's harmless so long as it isn't forced. What harm (speaking honestly, from a place of curiousity) do you think may come from it  - this particular game, the "so big" or any of the things grandma does with your LO? Are there any positives to it? and which list is longer?

I have to do this a lot with my MIL because she drives me crazy. But generally, most of the things she does (the constant kissing, too sweet voice, etc) are truly harmful - they just bug me to pieces. There are better ways to interact with DS, and I try to encourage those, but honestly, there is only so much I can do.

[mamazee]

I do think to some extent you're over thinking this, but on the other hand I do understand what you mean about your MIL pushing things when your ds isn't interested. But games like this aren't really training as much as just playing, and I'd relax about the games generally. If you see her pushing when he isn't interested, maybe say, "It looks like he isn't having fun with that anymore" or something. But I think this probably isn't as big an issue as it feels like to you. The big picture here is a grandma who loves her grandchild and is providing free loving childcare.

[McGucks]

Originally Posted by akind1 

I have to do this a lot with my MIL because she drives me crazy. But generally, most of the things she does (the constant kissing, too sweet voice, etc) are truly harmful - they just bug me to pieces. There are better ways to interact with DS, and I try to encourage those, but honestly, there is only so much I can do.

This needs to be my new mantra.

[Owen'nZoe]

I have to agree with those who have said I'd let this go. Unless the baby is fussing or crying and she's still insisting on playing, it sounds like your baby is getting great one-on-one time with grandma, which is really so important. She sounds like a great care taker. I'm a working mom, too, and understand how hard it is to leave your child with someone who does things differently than you do, but really that's not going to harm your child.

And just an aside on the "So big" game...I was playing this with my youngest when he was still a baby. My MIL is from another country half way around the world. She was visiting us at the time, and started watching us play with interest. When we were done, she said she knew the game, and that she had played one like it with her kids when they were babies, and remembered her grandma playing with with babies when she was little. MIL speaks a different language, sings different songs and tells different stories to the kids, and plays different games with the babies - yet this silly little game crossed cultures for us. I thought that was really neat.

[Drummer's Wife]

I'm not following how this could possibly be a negative thing.  He's not being coerced to do something awful, right?  I mean, in the grande scheme of parenting, there will be much, much, much more pressing issues to be concerned about.  If you send him to school, you will have a million and one things to object to if a grandparent asking how big he is and playing a fun childhood game that has been done for decades is something that bothers you. 

[McGucks]

Is the bigger issue here your feelings about the game and you ex-MIL's method of interacting with your child, or your own feelings about your ex-MIL?  Just a thought. 

I try really hard, when MIL gets on my nerves, to think about this:   if a trusted friend did the exact same thing as she, would it still bother me?  And I also try really hard to remember that, in general, tolerance is a virtue (of course, I am the same poster who has started many similar threads about my MIL!).

Next to lack of sleep, I have found IL relations to be one of the hardest thing about being a parent of a LO.  I so envy women who love and enjoy hanging out with their MIL or SIL.  I don't have a sister and my mom (who didn't speak to me for the last two decades of my life) is dead.  I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could wake up tomorrow and be one of those women who says "Oh, my MIL is wonderful, I love her, she's like a second mother to me."

[Adaline'sMama]

I guess I violate my kid's autonomy all the time. I teach her to repeat words, I teach her to put her toys away, I teach her to repond "woof woof" when I ask her "How does the doggy go" and "meow" when I ask her "How does the kitty go." There are a lot of things that she has learned on her own, but I think its fun to play games with your toddler. I think grandma is just excited to teach him something.