I am not liking homeschooling right now, fighting with dh too

[Lisa1970]

I am so upset! I cannot get my middle boys to do anything. My dh works from home so if he hears anything going on around the house, he gets himself in to a hissy and insists we all be quiet. SO, I am worn out. I decided to send my high schoolers to school this year. DH is against it. But he certainly is not helping at all. Then we got in to a big fight over it tonight. He hates me encouraging the teens to do well in high school and make it work. But I don't want to home school them anymore! I just do not. The younger kids are so difficult. I think that at least for a little while, being off at school for the older kids is a good thing. It certainly is not a bad thing. And they are both liking it. So, dh blew up at me. SO, that is where things are. I am just so upset. 

Seriously, with the younger boys, they are 7 and 9. The 9 yr old is about to turn 10. The almost 10 yr old cannot even write his name in cursive, despite us working on cursive for a year now. But..working on anything is such a subjective term since it takes 2 weeks to get him to do one worksheet. We even switched over to Math U See so that it would be easier and all. Instead, he just refuses to even do that. He outright refuses. And with dh working from home, not much I can do about it. Everyone knows if they make noise, dh will run out and inform me I need to keep them quiet. The only reason the middle children are not back in school too is I hate our schools very much. The only reason I made a go with the older ones is I got an in-district transfer for them to a different zoned school. THEY even tell me the different school is way better. Honestly, the different school is an older one with more experienced teachers, much better leadership, and it is less arrogant. 

[SweetSilver]

Phew!  Talk about a Catch-22!  DH wants *you* to homeschool the kids, but everyone has to be quiet or he makes you miserable about it?  I can think of several ways to resolve the situation, but all involve your DH making some concessions.  I mean, unless you can be out of the house doing working hours as much as possible, you are forced to do something impossible even in a school setting: keep the kids quieted down!  It sounds like a prison, really.  Sorry I can't be more helpful, just offering some empathy.  This sounds like a tough situation.

[Lisa1970]

I have a toddler and a baby expected soon. So not like I can just go hang out at the library all day long. I feel like I cannot do anything really, because of the ages of my children.

[SweetSilver]

Yes, being away from home all the time is impossible, even without two tiny ones in tow.  Have you taken a summer break?  It sounds like your homeschooled kids need some deschooling.  Mainly for your own sake!  But do you hate homeschooling because of the resistance?  Or because you just hate homeschooling and this fight is just a symptom?

[Lisa1970]

I have homenschooled for years. The two in the middle could not possibly be deschooled any more. And with then older two, honestly, the sight of anything they need to/want to do makes me..nauseous. I liked physics when I took it myself, I do not want to deal with it now. I want them to go elsewhere and do it there. I don't have it in me to even answer the questions anymore. I am a relaxed schooler so I have never asked much. But I swear I am getting less than nothing out of the middle kids.

[Lisa1970]

Literally, the younger child is supposed to read a little bit. That might be a bob book or a few pages from a reader. He is supposed to do one page of math and soe handwriting. The older one is supposed to do one page math, a little handwriting, and one side of one page spelling. That is it. It takes weeks to do one days work. I have changed things up. They are just being difficult. Even if the only assignment is to show me they can write their names, they refuse. They are trying to beas difficult as humanly possible.

[Lisa1970]

I hate home schooling because literally, all they do, the entire day long, is play with legos and whine for computer and trash our home. Literally. There is nothing else they do. Even if I say, let's go to the park,the answer is no. They want to stay home and play legos. They will throw tantrums which leads dh to run out of his office and tell me to quiet down, keep them quiet. Right now, I don't even want to face those two.

Then with the olders, they both are headed to college over the next couple years. I feel so overwhelmed with the Middles that I cannot even muster the energy to set up the SATs. My daughter wanted me to explain acceleration to her from physics tonight, and I seriously could not face it, not at all. I just cannot do it. My teen son does not get matrices and needs me to sit down and go over it. I can't do it. I mean, I am able, but I would rather have a root canal right now.

Add the fact that my two yr old cannot even leave the house because of how the Middles act. And I am having another baby in September? Today (Aug 31) is my two yr olds second bday. We won't be doing anything. Nothing at all.

[moominmamma]

Wow, you sound totally overwhelmed. Totally. It's hard to know what to suggest or where to begin but for what it's worth... I would say you should put your family relationships first.

What if you took the next three months and did nothing but work on repairing the relationships within your family? Catch each other being good and appreciate those moments. Create opportunties for enjoyment and connection. Find new ways to deal with conflict and resistence, new ways to communicate, new ways to express your feelings and communicate your personal boundaries without judging or belittling. New rhythms and routines, new problem-solving strategies. Family meetings once a week, family mealtimes that express appreciation and open the door to meaningful communication. New traditions that are built into your family life that create an environment of help, support and co-operation. 

It sounds like your dh is putting you in an impossible situation with almost no support. It sounds like he is frustrated and dealing poorly with his frustration. It sounds like you are angry with him for the lack of support. And that's not even with getting into the difficult relationships you have with your children, or the stress of homeschooling and supporting the older ones in their schoolwork, or the challenges of parenting a toddler while very pregnant. 

I would set aside everything except (a) being pregnant and (b) figuring out how to be happy as a family. I went through a phase of feeling desperate and burnt out after my fourth was born; we live an isolated country sort of life with lots of homestead-like work to be done, and my dh was hardly ever home. I was so frustrated with my kids, who couldn't seem to manage to do anything in a way that didn't make my life harder. I made a conscious decision to put family relationships first for about six months. It was the best choice I ever made. I let almost everything else go, and the guilt and frustration with it ... and we made huge progress learning to live happily and co-operatively with each other. We had family meetings, we had special celebrations and weird occasions that built happy memories, and we learned to talk to each other, and understand -- without resentment -- each others' perspectives. And the magic was that once the relationships were better, the kids just naturally did the sorts of things that they knew were likely to make me happy. They felt loved and appreciated, I felt loved and appreciated, and so we helped each other and things got done. Months and years of focusing on getting things done had not worked. Six months of focusing on liking each other resulted in an almost magical transformation -- and as a side effect, things got done. End of problem.

Well, not totally. We still have to revisit our relationships and our family dynamics regularly to keep things rolling along smoothly. Wrinkles develop from time to time. We're never perfect. But we can deal with most of the glitches without too much anguish these days!

Miranda

[Roar]

I'm wondering if you've considered getting individual and couples therapy. These seem like problems that are very significant and need some intense attention.

[seashells]

I work from home and I'm irritated with your husband. Sorry.

You have... how many children? And one on the way? The home is YOURS. Your HUSBAND needs to pack up and head to the library or the cafe, or rent a litlte office space, or whatever - if he can't deal with being home while working. It is NOT in the slightest bit fair to expect silence from people who LIVE there - lots of people, from the sound of it, including small children. And, no way should you be expected to pack everyone up and keep them on the move all day.

If your DH wants to turn the home into a private office for himself, then he can arrange to get another home for the family. One that people can live in. Ridiculous? Of course. The real solution is for him to find an office for himself.

Again, I work from home, so I am not at all unaware of the challenges. The function of the home is to serve as a home; if it can double as an office, great, but not at the expense of its primary function.

Can't afford to rent an office? He needs to figure something else out. The library. His parent's house, if nearby. A friend's house, maybe they are away all day at work and he can plop his laptop on their coffee table. I don't know, but it's up to him. And while he's figuring out a solution, he needs to get earplugs, sit in the car, whatever it takes because I would not tolerate ONE MORE DAY of this ridiculous restriction.

If he were asking for ONE quiet hour a day... maybe. Not because he is entitled to it, but because families work together to help each other out, right? If there was this ONE big presentation that he needs to deliver via teleconference, sure, I'd make an extra effort to keep kids quiet, maybe even take them somewhere. Just this once. But this is RIDICULOUS.

I bet if you resolve this problem alone, the other problems will be much more managable. Like magic.

[Annie Mac]

Lisa, it sounds like you decided to homeschool because you felt that, given the options, it would be best for your kids. Do you still feel that it's best for the kids? Not in the ideal world, in the real world. You sound exhausted and at the end of your rope, and quite frankly, it doesn't sound like your middles are learning basic skills -- not for lack of trying on your part, but the dynamics of the situation. You are stretched thin and having to fight the wills of your husband and your children. I will say this right out: if you are looking for permission to send your kids to school, if it's mine to grant, you have it. At the very least, if you send them you will get a break. If you feel they are not learning enough, you can supplement their school learning. If it's the school environment (you mention arrogance), remember that school is not one homogenous creature. It's made up of different people, some great, some not so great. Just like everywhere else. 

Another option to consider is finding another homeschooling family and paying them to teach your kids too. My mom did that for me, one year. It worked fantastically. 

[MommaCrystal]

I just have to chime in and reinforce that your DH's expectations are out of line.  My DH works from home.. on the phone often most of the day.  He closes the door and that is it.  I don't even think about the kids and how loud they are any more.  He did get a telephone headset that cancels out background noise.  He says he's never had an issue with our noise.

As for the rest of it.  It sounds like you are done and you need to send your kids to school.  There is nothing wrong with that. I say go for it!

[Lisa1970]

He says he can hear the kids in his office. Tuesdays are the worst days because he is in meetings all day. Then throughout the week, it is scattered. It might be a couple hours on Wednesday or whatever on various days so the other days are not as bad.

We took time off. We have a pretty big house. Believe it or not, they have been learning more at home than they were at school, without the troubles with bullying. We took a lot of time off to de-school and all. We have done everything possible that are the normal suggestions that even I have been suggesting to people for years. One thing is, I mentioned it before but was crying when I posted last night, my 9 yr old has autism spectrum disorder. But...not like..I hate it when people say stuff like "those kids" about kids with ASD. It is not like that. He is very smart. He is way ahead of grade level. Then he gets anxiety. It is PDD-NOS. But in his case, when he feels like doing his work, he really does it. He also likes to read a ton. I let them break all spring. Then when we tried to start up again, they just run amok and won't do anything.  I highly suspect the 7 yr old has learning disability. I let his schooling go until he turned 7 figuring he seemed too immature and was quite unwilling. After Christmas this past year (he did not turn 7 until May) he was ready to go. He did stuff for a short while. But then it went down and I figured that was ok, I was ordering different math because they both said they hated Singapore Math, which we had been doing. So I had ordered them Math-U-See. 

Most of my pregnancies have been easy. I don't know if it is my age or the fact that this is a girl or what, but I spent until about a month ago with nausea and difficulty breathing. The baby dropped end of July and ever since, I can breathe. The heart burn is mostly gone. The nausea is gone. And, I had been having huge OB problems and that is resolved. Now just waiting for the new itty bitty to show up. But we definitely have done all the deschooling and such that could possibly be done. Now it is to the point of just defiance. 

I have also done everything to make it fun. I have downloaded educational apps, I have educational computer games. I have fun books and books on tape. This is more about them realizing that mom was not feeling well and dad wanted quiet in the house so they have taken advantage.  They have science kits (that they picked from the fun store). 

DH really lectured them this morning so they are sitting doing their school work now and laughing while doing it. The work is not bad at all! They just need to put in the 30 minutes and do it. Honestly, a suggestion I have given people before who are having my troubles, is to up their work amount rather than decrease it. I used to do that with my olders and it always worked and everyone who tried it when I suggested, it worked. At least the ones I heard back from. Lots of work and then a couple weeks of that and they suddenly appreciate the lessor work. Maybe these are kids for whom child directed learning is not going to work so much. Maybe they need everything to be more formal. I am unsure. But these two boys are giving me a run for my ...umm...energy or lack there of? I am really hoping I give birth and soon after, my energy returns. I am also thinking I need to take toys away as that is what they keep sneaking off to do. 

But what the big fight was about anyway, home schooling the teens. Yes, things have always gone great with the teens. Our teens are great. But sending them to school this year felt so right. It has felt right for high school, it is just we have not hit on the right school yet. I am optimistic that the right school is out there. I PICKED this school and went to a lot of work to get them in there. I talked to a lot of people in picking this school. And the teens love it! Our 16 yr old gets to take computer programming and art, which he loves. Of course, he gets his core classes too. My daughter is LOVING physics. She is a big science buff. She is in the orchestra and already says she loves it and loves the other kids in there. My dh is in a hissy because he wants them home schooled. My son is not someone who works well on his own. Despite being almost 17, he will go skim over things, claim he did them, but then fail any testing I give him. Then make excuses. AND, everytime dh can hear the younger kids, it is not just me he runs out and tells to keep them quiet. It is whoever is closest, which can be the teens. Both kids are getting ready to apply for college. I just think that being AT school is the fit for THEM at this point in time. DH thinks going off to school is never a fit. He even said to me "why did you have children if you didn't want to raise them?" Ummm...I do want to raise them..but right now, here and today, this is what is good. If things go sour, I will pull them back out and be right back to home schooling. 

As far as returning the middle to the public school..no. I am not even suggesting that. I think we need to get a handle on things and sending kids away rarely fixes it. The public school was awful. It is top ranked, sure. But those rankings are based on superficial things that have little to do with what goes on in the classroom. I did try the school. My kindergartener played Kid Pix all day long. He came home having learned nothing. The teacher swore he was ahead of grade level in reading, even though he really could not even read "Mat sat." They had such big discipline problems in the classroom that the school brought in a behavior intervention specialist. By 1st grade, when they started math, they used calculators. The 7 yr old did not go there for 1st grade. But the 9 yr old went to private kinder and then public 1st and 2nd. They never wrote anything. They used computers for everything. They did no spelling, handwriting, and math was done with a calcultor. Literally, when I did placement tests on my 9 yr old going in to 3rd grade (after 2 yrs of public school) he actually placed the same in all subjects if not lower. He had not gone up in any skills the entire two years. When I visited the classroom and did volunteer work, the kids were running around the classroom in the 2nd grade with no control over the room. My son, of course, was forced to sit still in his seat, which he did. He did not dare move. He had an IEP. Because of the IEP, and the ASD, if he did anything out of line, he was punished. And it was harsh. Plus, they decided he paid attention TOO long to things. So. they had a timer for him. He was not allowed to stay on any task longer than 15 minutes! Before 1st grade, he could add 3 digit numbers in his head. At the end of 2 yrs there, they had used calculators the entire time and he would not even try to add numbers anymore. Before 1st grade, he had beautiful handwriting that people always said was wonderful. After 2nd grade, he would not try, because they never ever wrote on paper when he is was in school, they just used computers. Frankly, I feel like I am having to break the bad habits the school established.

I guess maybe things aren't so bad with them. I mean, honestly, the 7 yr old is writing sentences now. Just one at a time, but he was not even writing his name really when he left kinder. He is reading readers that are 1st grade level, where as when he came home a year ago, he could not even read kinder level ones. The 9 yr old was testing mid 2nd grade math when he came out of 2nd grade. They had not even done re-grouping. It literally took me a day to teach that to him. Even though he is not back to writing, he is no longer melting down all the time and demanding to be on the computer. When he was in public school, he would come home and literally sit there and scream and cry for a good hour most days because the school days were going so awful. He was also coming home with bruises and cuts and marks. Even my anti- home school relatives were telling me he needed to home school. He refused to read books even, even though he loved to read before public school. He has started reading again. And the books he has been reading, some are 7th and 8th grade level and he can sit for hours and just read. So, compared to how things were in public school, I guess maybe it is not so bad.

Thanks for all the helpful advice. The whole big huge fight between dh and I was really about the teens. I want them in school and he wants them home schooled and I have enough on my plate and they are happy at school. I know that we have had issues with schools being rotten (dd was sexually harrassed in the school, the education has been bad, half the teachers were uncertified and did not even have degrees in what they were teaching) but I picked this new school they were at and filed all the paperwork to get them in there. It is rare for someone in our area to get granted being able to attend a school they are not zoned for (they got permission because of the sexual harassment and threats that went on at the other school to my daughter and the bullying my son was getting from same group of kids). The school is in an older area. The leader ship is way better. The teachers are more experienced and better educated. Sure, it might not work out. But I think physics is way more fun in the classroom than it is at home with just a book. 

[Lisa1970]

I think it is best for the youngers but not the olders anymore. That is what the fight was about. He wants them all home, I don't want the olders home anymore.
 

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

Lisa, it sounds like you decided to homeschool because you felt that, given the options, it would be best for your kids. Do you still feel that it's best for the kids? Not in the ideal world, in the real world. You sound exhausted and at the end of your rope, and quite frankly, it doesn't sound like your middles are learning basic skills -- not for lack of trying on your part, but the dynamics of the situation. You are stretched thin and having to fight the wills of your husband and your children. I will say this right out: if you are looking for permission to send your kids to school, if it's mine to grant, you have it. At the very least, if you send them you will get a break. If you feel they are not learning enough, you can supplement their school learning. If it's the school environment (you mention arrogance), remember that school is not one homogenous creature. It's made up of different people, some great, some not so great. Just like everywhere else. 

Another option to consider is finding another homeschooling family and paying them to teach your kids too. My mom did that for me, one year. It worked fantastically. 

[Aeress]

It must be hard when dh can't see the positive of the older kids being in school. It sounds like the older kids are doing well so far, so it must be a good change and they can always come home if necessary.

I would keep talking with dh about how you guys can come to an understanding about the olders kids- maybe that is why he got irritated about the noise- not so much about the noise itself.

Hoping things have calmed down for you.

[Lisa1970]

Yes, things have been calming down. DH sat the middle boys down and had a talk with them. I did not want to come out of my room this morning. I had a hard night (ceiling fans were turned on around the house which gives me nasty sinus headaches, especially with this pregnancy and I did not realize it until 1am when I was gasping for air and felt like knives were stabbing in to my sinuses, I am sure all that is worse with being expecting, add all that to the big fight dh and I got in over the older kids being in school). The boys actually did do their work once dh spoke to them. I am sure this is going to be a one day thing. But it did start with the 7 yr old throwing a tantrum, but at least dh did not run out and tell me to be quiet. Once the 7 yr old was done throwing the tantrum and did not get away with it, he decided to do his work. In the past, ds7 would throw a tantrum and dh would run out about the noise and then DS would know he got away with it because I had to do what it took to keep him quiet, even if that meant appeasing him and not carrying through on the school work. 

So both kids did their work. DH stopped picking at the older kids being in school today and made no remarks about it. He had some openings. Like it is the 2 yr olds birthday today and we want to take him someplace fun and there were no remarks about if only the big kids were here, we could have just gone. We will see. I am sure this is temporary. DH hates public school as a blanket thing and thinks everyone should always home school. While I agree that home schooling definitely is great and is wonderful and so on, I just think at this point in time, with this new school, it is worth a try. The older kids have half their schedules as AP classes and I felt too much stress and I think they will enjoy getting things like the Physics in the classroom.

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

 DH thinks going off to school is never a fit. He even said to me "why did you have children if you didn't want to raise them?" Ummm...I do want to raise them..but right now, here and today, this is what is good. If things go sour, I will pull them back out and be right back to home schooling. 

What. The. 

I would be livid if I were in your situation and my DH said that to me!  I'm curious how he would handle being in your EXACT situation... right down to the pregnancy.  I'm 32 weeks pregnant, have a 2yo, a 3yo, and HSing my 7yo.  It is sooo overwhelming... and I don't have the added stress of teens or unwilling kids!!!

I don't have any advice, as this is our first year HSing... but I just wanted to say that I think you're doing exactly what YOU feel is best at this time.  And that is what raising your children is all about... whether your DH understands that or not.  

I hope things ease up for you soon!

[seashells]

Also, why did your DH have kids if HE didn't want to, by his definition, "raise" them? He just figured he could hand it all off to you and you would just be Supermom for the rest of your life without any support? And while you are tiptoeing around the house so you don't bother him?

[kathymuggle]

How about noise cancelling headphjones for Dh - or soundproofing the room - or finding another farther away room to work in.......?

This sound like an ultimatum, but it is more the truth - he wants you to HS the middles, as do you, but you need support.  Let him know he has to ease up on the noise complaints or you will be forced to consider a brick and mortar school.

I usually think HSing is easier on the parent than not - but in your case I do not think that is true.  The large diversely-aged family, the pregnancy, a spouse who works at home and has noise issues - you need support to make this work!

If you have any extra dollars I would play someone to take the middles out once or twice a week.  You could use some down time.

More hugs!!!!

Kathy

[mattemma04]

Is an online charter/public school an option? I am doing that for my older kids.I did use it for K and it was ok.