International Adoption Moms: Finding birthparents through facebook

[RedOakMomma]

This may sound ridiculous, but I was sitting near the computer the other day, reflecting on an AmFam post I'd just read, and it struck me like a lightning bolt: I should search for dd's mom on facebook.  I mean, C'MON, it's SOUTH KOREA.  There's a good chance, a very good chance, she's on facebook.

So I searched.  A few hundred hits came up, about 60% with photos. I paged through dozens (maybe a hundred?), then one came up that looks exactly like dd.  I mean, EXACTLY.  If you showed me this photo and said "this is your daughter in 25 years," I would believe you.  She's that similar.  Zoomed into particular features, dd seems like her clone.  And it wasn't that way with the other facebook pictures...not even close.

Add to that the fact that we have a photo of her mom (albeit when she was 6+ months pregnant and had been crying)...I've looked at both photos closely, even layered them on photoshop, and their features match up pretty well.  Mouth, eyes, pupils, nose, eyebrows...it all matches up.  The only difference is that her mom's photo has much chubbier cheeks and slightly less full lips...and I can't tell if that's facial expression, or flash, or what (the photo we have of her mom was an ID photo...1 inch by 1 inch... so it's not all that detailed).

This feels a little crazy, but I think it's possible we found her.  I sent her a very short, simple message today in English through facebook.  I didn't attach photos (I was worried it would make her feel bad, just in case she's decided she doesn't feel ready for that level of contact yet.)

What do you all think?  I have no idea if I'll get a response back, or what the response should be.  Does anything pop up to you as something I should be aware of, or consider?  To be honest, I'm so over-the-moon excited about possibly finding her that I'm finding it hard to think past the idea of it possibly being her, and possibly being at the start of a more open international adoption.

[queenjane]

I think its awesome. I've often searched the name of one of my son's bmom's on facebook, google, wherever, but nothing ever come up. I really hope that this turns out the way you want, but if not, keep searching!

[Polliwog]

Wow, I hope that you get a response and that she's interested in contact. Let us know if you hear something.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

That would be amazing if it's her!  For all it's downfalls, Facebook can be pretty amazing.

[SpottedFoxx]

We found our son's first mother on FB but have decided to wait till he's older to contact her.  Good luck!

[RedOakMomma]

I got a reply, but she says she's not dd's mom.  It was very short.  About 10% of me thinks she really is dd's mom (the resemblance and the features line-up of her mom's photo are too spot-on), but if that's the case then at least she has my contact info.

Either way, I'm going to keep searching facebook for dd's mom.  Periodically, I mean.  And in 5 years we're planning on going back to Korea, so really about 4 years from now we'll be contacting her orphanage or GOA'L to attempt locating either of her birthparents. It'd be nice if we could manage to have an open international adoption by then.  I'm hopeful.

[Diane B]

ROM - I'm not around here very much any more, but I have so appreciated your thoughtful posts over the years.  Clearly, you really want to help your daughter connect with her birth mother, and I'm all about that - we did a search in our daughter's home country, found her birth mother, have been to visit, etc. etc.  It's been wonderful in many ways. Your desire to do this is admirable, and I wish you the best. I think it will likely benefit your daughter graeatly, as it has mine.

I would really encourage you to pursue a search through more traditional Korean channels.  It sounds as though you have a name - yes? - and I wonder if your agency or folks on the ground in Korea could help you? I know that Korean adoptees and adoptive parents have done successful searches. If it's something you want to do, I wouldn't wait another five years while the trail gets colder and colder. I also think working with someone who can deal with the culturally sensitive issues, birth mother shame, etc. is probably a good idea, rather than her birthmom hearing directly from you out of the blue. That really worked for us, at least.

I'm a little bit worried about your attempts to find a match on Facebook. People look like other people - they do.  We've all had the experience of meeting someone who looks "just like" someone else we know.  I really think it's a set-up for disappointment and false hopes.  And, as you discovered, how can you really tell if the person is being truthful? What if the woman had instead, for whatever reason, decided to say, "Oh, yes, that was my daughter I gave up!" and decided to play you for attention/money/whatever? 

I'm not trying to be critical, but I want you to be careful with your big heart. :)  Best wishes toward finding some answers for your daughter.

[RedOakMomma]

:) Diane.  Nice to "see" you!

I know you're not being critical...and I appreciate your ideas and feedback greatly.  We thought of the fake-mom scenario, too, and were sure to hold back some obvious information so that, if the woman had claimed to be her mom, there would be simple ways of verifying it.

I would love to find her mom through the more obvious channel of her orphanage or GOA'L, but it seems like both of those organizations only do it when you're preparing to meet in person.  If they're going to go through the labor-intensive search (especially dd's orphanage...it's extremely tiny and low on spare staff), they want you to have a "good" reason.  Simply wanting to exchange letters or pictures isn't a good enough reason, I suspect.  It needs to be an emergency health reason or a visit to Korea.

Does anyone here know of private searchers within Seoul or Korea?  We don't have much money to spare (one of the reasons we're not traveling to Seoul soon...I need to be employed again before we can afford that), but if there was a searching option we could at least look into it.

I'll ask dd's agency what kinds of circumstances will allow for a search, though.  Who knows--maybe they would be willing to contact her and see if she's interested in having a semi-open adoption.  I agree that the more traditional method of finding birthparents in Korea would probably be more successful (and more culturally sensitive) than facebook stalking.  ;)

[Diane B]

I'll bet there's a list serve somewhere for families and adoptees who know all the ins and outs of using private searchers in Korea. There's one for Guatemalan adoptive families, for example, and that's how we found out how to go about a search.

It's a shame that just a child's wanting to know their birth mother isn't considered a good enough reason for contact. Maybe that will change some day. 

[tiffani]

I wish we had some way to find our kiddos' parents -- you're lucky there is at least a trail for you to follow, and if I had a name I would absolutely be searching facebook!  knowing how to proceed from there, though, is much more difficult... hugs...

[SpottedFoxx]

Diane - I'm pretty sure you can get a name from either the adoption.com forums or if there is a facebook Korean adoption page, you may be able to get one through there.  Good luck!