Home studies and "crunchy" parenting

[loveandkindness]

We are in the beginning stages of adopting a special needs child from overseas.  As we prepare for the home visit I have a few worries I hope someone can answer.

1:  We cosleep with our 8 year old daughter.  Do we hide this fact?

2:  We do not vaccinate, however, given that the child we adopt would be medically fragile, I would take the medical specialist's advice and vaccinate the adoptive child as needed.  Do I hide the fact our 8 year old isn't vaxed? Do they require health records of children who live in the house?

Some other generic questions:

--  we have a pool.  A well-meaning friend (I think!) told me that would be a mark against us on the home study.  True?

--  We have pets.  Same friend said that is sometimes a problem.  (2 cats is a problem???)

I have so many worries, questions, obsessions!  Thanks for any advice and answers.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

So much depends on your social worker, how open they are, and how they word your home study.  Ask around and find a good one. 

1. Does your DD have her own room with a bed available to her if she wants to use it?  They will want to see that.  You don't have to say anything about your actual sleeping arrangements.  If they see a child's room with a bed in it, they will assume she sleeps there.

2. We don't vaccinate either.  Our dr. is on board with this and when he filled out our medical forms he put that we were delaying until a later date.  They do require a medical form be filled out by a physician for all family members, so you will need to have a dr. fill it out who is ok with your choice.

I don't see why a pool would be a problem as long as you have safeguards in place to keep a child away from it. 

Pets aren't a problem at all as long as they have adequate space and the house isn't covered in pet mess.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about home studies.  In our experience, they just aren't nearly as big of a deal as people make them out to be.  The social worker isn't there to try to keep you from adopting or to give you demerits.  If you find a good one, they are on your side.  They want to help you adopt.  Just be yourselves and answer questions truthfully, but not with more information than is necessary (i.e. This is DD's room.  No need to mention that she doesn't sleep in it.).

[loveandkindness]

Thank you for the reassurance!   Yes, DD has a beautiful bedroom with a bed in it, but she chooses to sleep with us 99% of the time.  So I can point out her bedroom.  Our Ped. does not vax his younger children, so I am sure he will help me fill out a form.

I did not think you got to choose your own social worker to do the home study.  The agency we are talking to makes it seem like they will set it up for us.  I will have to see if there is a list I can see, and talk to other parents about who they have used.

My other question is --- do you ever feel 100% that you are doing the right thing for your family?  Part of me is scared of how much life will change for our 8 year old daughter.  I really like our life now.  I know we are doing the right thing for everyone in our family, but every day I have moments of doubt!

[SpottedFoxx]

NEVER lie.  Period.  End of story.  It will complete destroy any chance you will have of adopting.  We had 2 cats - it wasn't a problem.  Co-sleeping is very accepted abroad so the fact that you cosleep may actually work in your favor.  Your attitude towards vaccines is probably exactly what the social worker would want to hear (you will do anything necessary to keep your child(ren) safe).   If you don't already have a pool alarm (sits in the water and goes off when a certain level of movement is felt), get one now.  If you don't have a secure gate around the pool, consider getting one.  I'm sure there are tons of cosleeping, non-vaccing,  animal loving swimmers who have adopted.  

Good luck!

Edited to add - if there are things the country would see as a red flag, chances are the social worker may reword the report to appease them.  Just something I noticed with our adoption from Guatemala.

[queenjane]

I agree to "never lie" however there is lying, and there is "not volunteering too much info esp if its info they do not need to know."  When i had my first homestudy, my then-nearly 10 yo son was still cosleeping much of the time. I did not volunteer that, he had his own room with a bed and it certainly didnt come up. If he was the type of kid to blurt it out i may have handled it differently. He was unschooling at the time, and i told the sw we were "homeschooling" (which is not a lie, unschooling is just a form of HSing) and i didnt want to give the impression we did school at home, so i said i HS "using a child-led, interest driven approach" or some such thing. There is a way to couch what you do in "social worker-ese" to make it more palatable to a worker who might be a  little more mainstream. And i usually tried to sound very open to doing "whatever was best for the child" and stressed how flexible i was and how much i research different options etc.

You may be able to kind of gauge how open/non mainstream your worker is once you meet her. Then you will know how "open" you need to be. Again, dont hide anything, but just be careful how you phrase things.

Pets shouldnt be a big deal, but again, depends on the social worker and their prejudices. Usually they will want animals to be UTD on vaxes (for us, just the rabies was sufficient, as we do not vax our pets either.) i had two cats at the time, and an aquatic turtle and it was no big deal. If you had a particular breed that raised a red flag, or a type of animal that freaked them out they may want more proof of safety etc. You may get a worker thats asks you something like "what would you do if the child you adopt turns out to be allergic??"

I live in a very nonvax-friendly state and so saying we dont vax wasnt a huge deal, the doctor just mentioned that on the physical form.

With a pool, you may be required to have a fence, alarms, etc. Whatever the rules are where you live.

I think having fears about whether its the right thing to do is very normal. The homestudy is a fairly painless process even though everyone worries about it, cleans their house obsessively, etc. I found it kind of fun to talk to the worker about adoption for a few hours.

I adopted through foster care so my experience with an international homestudy is limited, although i suspect the process is similar.

[christophersmom]

Originally Posted by queenjane 

I think having fears about whether its the right thing to do is very normal.

I think so, too. I wondered it when we brought first DD home and again when we brought second DD home. My son was 6 at the time. He was pretty darn used to his lefestyle and being an only child.

At the time we had our first home study DS was still sleeping with us about 50% of the time, it never came up. I didn't hide it, just never came up. He had a room. He now sleeps on his own about 90% of the time. The girls prefer their cribs, I think it was what they were used to when they came to us.

[Diane B]

Just a word on pets and international adoption: depending on the country, having animals in the home can be considered undesirable.  If you are using a knowledgable home study worker, she/he will just leave them out of the homestudy. I wouldn't worry about it, but it would be worth knowing the policies of the sending country.

Also, you should know that your child will have to be up to date on his/her vaccinations before entering the United States, has probably already received many vaccinations in his/her home country, and (if I remember correctly) you will have to sign a statement promising to continue the vaccinations. Someone else might be more knowledgable on the last bit, and I think there's some discussions in the archives.