My 7 yr. old's attitude-need some strategies

[jewelsJZ]

I honestly don't know what to do with this child. Everything I say to him, every assignment we do, even the fun stuff, he whines, complains, refuses, fusses. Rewarding him when he does well doesn't prevent it.   Taking things away (privileges) doesn't work. If he doesn't finish his work, he has it for homework. Doesn't matter. He basically does this every day so he has homework every day.  

I do fine, keeping my wits about me, but he wears me down and today I just got so angry with him and yelled at him. He pulled it together for the next subject we did but then went right back to complaining, refusing, whining. 

I feel like I work hard to make things fun for them. We don't do all workbooks. Lots of hands on stuff, which he loves, and then I get attitude in return.  I spent all of last year figuring out his learning style, fine tuning our curriculum/approach/etc.  But it seems no matter what, he has an attitude.

My daughter, on the other hand (kindergarden), happily does whatever I give her and asks for more.  Today, my son was carrying on so I just sent him away from the table and finished the project with my daughter. It was much more pleasant for all of us, but I can't do this every day or he will miss so much.  

Any strategies for working with this type of kiddo without going insane?  I'd appreciate any suggestions.

[jeteaa]

For my dd1 who is now 7, the novelty of "school work" wore off a long time ago. I have found that with her I have NO choice but to mostly US. She is learning though.... EX: I was worried about her not being able to tell time and understand the concept of time and date. But just the other day, she all of a sudden started talking about what time it was, how much longer until our trip this weekend and then how many days until art classes etc. I think some kids at certain ages and stages just should not sit and be forced to do workbooks. 

[briansmama]

My first thought was is your DS getting enough movement prior to lesson/seat work? I too have a 7 yr old DS who can focus for long periods, but enjoys table work activities much more if they are followed by our morning nature walk or bike ride. We also use beanbag games to practice skip counting and math facts, as well as a mini trampoline.

Another thought is that maybe the work is too difficult for him, too long, or not meaningful enough to him? I have in the past encountered resistance from my DS regarding our lesson work and it was when we were using more classical methods and subjects were disjointed. I started researching more holistic programs again, after using Waldorf for his early years and K. I realized that the more academic shift of 1st needed to be more integrated in order for him to feel more integrated with the material.

We then used Enki for the rest of 1st and now for 2nd and it's been wonderful for us. Lots of learning through movement, fabulous stories for science, humanities, language arts work, and math. Great games for all learning and cultural studies. Seasonal music and poetry. Lots of prep work though, but for me that worked since I was already used to spending lots of time research and planning his lessons anyways. Now I no longer need to spend the time researching, as it's all there for me, including recorder for music study, but I do spend quite a lot of time learning the material and planning and prepping.

I hope this helps!

[425lisamarie]

Are you sure you are not me last year?!  I am  going to give you my perspective and experience, I am not suggesting these are all your issues but just my story.....

I have high achievers.  VERY different learning styles.  DD did kinder last year at 4, she's always had a level of maturity about her.  DS was 6 in 1st grade.  I did NOT have enough schedule. They always had about one full hour more most days to play, do whatever before we started, and did not get up early enough.    DD was usually fairy land with her dolls and DS was watching a lego scene on his computer, or building something new.  They had a hard time getting in to school mode.  We would do one thing, then DS basically whines/complains after taking yet another break to eat/play whatever and would talk about how he already did math, did this or that like it's acceptable to do ONE thing in an entire day LOL.  I would start my lecture.....sometimes end up totally frustrated outwardly even, he would get upset in some way, I would lecture more etc etc.   It was just not always so pleasant. 

I realized he was very mature and above average in many areas, not necessary maybe genius by nature, but we take alot of time to work with them because I think kids are so much more capable than schools teach and i want them to have every opportunity.  Well, I decided it was time he heard this.  I sat him down, had a long talk about the difference between our home and kids who go to public school.  I told him I love him, and I have decided instead of working or doing anything else, I feel blessed to be at home, being your teacher.....we talked about opportunities, how he has time to expand on things he enjoys, getting everything done during the day, having time for outings, no homework.  Then we talked about the things he NEEDS to know and learn, such as a writting/reading program, math skills, basic stuff.  I also talked about school being an option, but i think he has more opportunity learning at home and his day would be much longer, less time for extra things etc.  Then I asked him to write me a list of 5 things he would like to learn more about during the year.  Everything had to do with science/physics, and shockingly he said cursive writing.  The very next day I changed tracks.  I started using a version of the workbox thing, which at the time I didn't realize had a name and is all over the internet as means to organize your day.  I couldn't give him 12 things, no way, but we started with 4 boxes. Every morning he could see what he needs to do.  My DS NEEDS to see everything in advance.  He does NOT do well with open endedness in any form.  He needs to be able to see the whole day, I think it gives him a little security of not being suprised.  DD h owever goes along with anything at any time, but she is very intensive, just different kiddos.  So back to his list....I told him before cursive we just need to get through the handwritting without tears workbook for printing.  I did not make him do it all, just enough to really refine some of his skills.  He felt very proud to get his cursive book after.  We started upping the science stuff but made it fun, project based.   

I also decided I DO need a little separation in the roll department.  I NEED to be more teacher mode during the day.  For them and me in many different ways.  As mom I feel emotional about his attitude or lack of, and I feel somehow responsible for them being happy every second.  I do not react to attitude, I ignored the whining, complaining,  never lecture about how this made me/us feel.  AT first I had to ignore alot, then not so much, now it's totally gone.  I would always remind him he may take his work to his room or outside, where he wants.  At first sometimes he would carry on I think just wanting me to react.  I would calmly tell him if we finish we can move on to (x), or if you feel the need to be outwardly upset I am asking you do it elsewhere because I am doing things too and it is very distracting.  We do not reward/punish for schoolwork, it's just expected.  I wouldn't take away the WII or play time, but it's going to be very short if he doesn't get it done because we will run out of time.  I also realized his dad is a much better math teacher than I.  He is helping me now to become more creative with my teaching math, but DS gets attitude when something is either too easy/boring/busy work, or he's not understanding.  He does NOT like not understanding something.  He also likes very plain text.  Counting butterflies and coloring parts of things is NOT acceptable to him LOL.  DD on the other hand needs that.  

LIfe is so great now, I LOVE school with them.  Honestly alot of it I think was the relationship we have during the day has changed a little, and the workbox idea.    We are a very close family, my kids are very attached to me and DS especially feels very needing of my happiness to do well.  

If you do not have some sort of workbox system I would highly recommend it.  Basically you get them bins, and fill each with one thing so that can see ahead, and see their boxes finish.  I think it gives them some control, and while I used to think I would be bombarding him with too much and freak out about "all the stuff he has to do"  it is quite the contrary.  I realized he NEEDS to see it all.

I'm truly enjoying homeschool now.  And it's not like things were always miserable.  Plenty of times he was a joy.  Once we found a system that works everything changed.  We also have nutrition/physical health as part of our learning daily and we set alarm clocks to be up at a good time for us and give us enough sleep.  Since we do not have to catch a bus we are up a bit later than others and up at 8. 

[Lillian J]

It's not unusual - especially with boys. You're all still adjusting to the dynamics, and your daughter has the sort of personality that fits in more with the way you are. Here are a couple of MDC threads I have in my bookmarks and ran across just a few minutes ago when looking for something else - I haven't reread them, but maybe there's something in one of them that could be helpful:

6 yr. old resists lessons

Resistence!

The main strategy I would suggest would be to refocus your attention for a while - away from what you'd like to see happening to what it is that's happening inside him. I'd make that in itself a focus, to see if you can notice some of the triggers. Might it be something going on in his perceptions of how he and his sister compare or fit into the scene? Might it be something in your own way of speaking or being a teacher rather than his usual mom that makes him uncomfortable? Can it be that the format of things coming in the form of "assignments" is a trigger - compared to maybe the way all the other things outside of those hours are usually handled? Could it be that he's especially sensitive to a switch in tone - and that he doesn't understand why you're changing the tone during those certain parts of daily life? I'm guessing that he probably doesn't understand your reasons for insisting that he do a lot of the things that are part of the schooling routine, and he may not feel in his own perceptions that they're at all necessary for his own learning experience. If you can provide learning experiences without it feeling as formal a change of tone as it now does - with plenty of room for him to learn things in his own way - it might begin to ease his resistance.

I began with a lot of excitement - I had the whole elementary school teacher training and had substituted in schools for a while - and I had great ideas about creative ways to teach, some learned from observations and reading I'd done when my son was in school. But what I discovered was that my son was able to learn up a storm without my creative plans. The more I backed off, the more he embraced learning, and was soon learning things out of the blue. I'm not suggesting you morph into an unschooler - just that you might consider playing with some shifts for a while to give him a sense of more ownership of his own learning experiences. I realize from what you say that a lot of what you're doing is just fun stuff - but he may be seeing much of it as required and orchestrated assignments rather than just family activities. If he were to be asked more about what he'd like to do, and if it genuinely felt to him like respectful freedom, he just might surprise you with less resistance. He may just have a certain sensitivity that your daughter doesn't have in these matters, and spending some time carefully observing his moods and the way he thinks and behaves when you're not trying to do school things with him may shed a lot of light. All the best - Lillian

[jewelsJZ]

I cannot tell you all how incredibly helpful your comments have been.  Thank you all for taking the time to reply.  My son learns so differently from me and in my struggle to figure out how best to help him, I get bogged down with worry that he is not learning, or will not learn what he needs to know. Sometimes that fear gets the best of me and that's when lose my patience with him.  

LisaMarie, I do have a workbox system but haven't used it this year yet, and I need to because my son so needs to see what we will be doing everyday. He was thriving with that last year. Thank you for the reminder. I also thank you for your reminder that I am blessed to be able to stay home with my kids and to homeschool them. I truly feel that way but I never express it. My kids need to hear that. My husband needs to hear that. When things are going well, I will try to remember to say these things. It is so easy to complain, when things aren't going well, about how much work it takes for me to make lesson plans or prepare for fun projects and then no one appreciates it, blah, blah, blah. Need to reverse that whole thinking.

I love the idea, too, of having him set goals for what he wants to learn. 

Briansmama, we have already incorporated your wonderful idea of getting outside first thing and getting some movement. All my kiddos need this and settle in when we get back. Thank you for this and for suggesting the Enki information. I had not heard of it and am now researching it.

Just feeling so incredibly grateful today for all of your kind and helpful words. They have been swirling around in my head these last couple of days.