"Mama do it!"

[grethel]

If you practice child-led, open play and learning, how do you deal with your child asking you to complete activities or perform tasks?

I really like to let dd, 22 months, explore and play without my direction or telling her the "proper" way to do things. I get flummoxed in this on a regular basis by her insistence that "Mama do it."

One example of where this bothers me is while drawing. I like to just give her the materials (crayons, markers, chalk, what have you) and let her do her thing and explore. She sometimes will do this, but very frequently asks me to draw things for her. "Draw cat," she will say, or "Draw banana." I will often reply something like "This is your picture. You can use the crayons." She gets annoyed and demands, "No! Mama do it! Mama draw!" So I end up drawing the cat or the banana, and this makes her happy... and I do feel that if her brain is telling her that she wants to watch me draw, then that's what her brain needs to learn at that moment. BUT, it bugs me to do it all the same because I feel like I'm directing her play more than I want to, and by drawing my way I'm "telling" her the "correct" way to draw... when I really would prefer her to just explore and do her own thing and discover her own ways of drawing. Not to mention, that her beautiful, open-ended circles and lines and dots and scribbles often end up with my stupid picture of a cat right in the middle, which sort of ruins the lovely art for me. :)

Is there a kind, involved way to say "No" when she asks me to "Do it!" - or to gently encourage her to do it herself?

The same thing happens with activities like her pattern blocks and puzzles. Some pieces, like triangles, annoy her more than others because she has to turn them so many ways to get them in. So she is in the habit of thrusting the triangle at me and saying "Mama do it." How do I say "No, do it yourself," without sounding like I'm rejecting her? I will often say something like "that is tricky; you have to turn the block. Let's see what happens if we turn it this way" - but she gets mad, insists I do it, and if I don't, she just throws the triangle back in the box and walks away.

I've also tried parallel play, like "This is my picture (puzzle, tower) and that is yours. You do yours and I'll do mine!" But she doesn't want to do it if I don't complete the parts she doesn't want to do herself (or draw or color what she asks me to do).  It feels harsh to say "no, I won't do it - do it yourself."

Tips/tricks?

[crunchy_mommy]

We have this same issue with DS. The only thing that sometimes helps is if I tell him something like, "I can't, can you try?" But somehow that feels deceptive & manipulative to me so I use it minimally. Most of the time, I just do whatever it is he's asking me to do. He's 2.5 now, so we are getting just as many, 'I'm gonna do it!!'s as 'Can you do it Mommy's but unfortunately HE wants to do the things I'd rather do myself, and he wants ME to do the things I want him to do himself. So frustrating!! Overall, though, I don't worry about this much. Oh sometimes I'll say something like, "I can't, I'm going to get a drink of water, I'll be right back though," and then he'll (sometimes) do it himself.

Sorry I'm not particularly helpful, but I can commiserate, and share your frustrations over a pile of beautiful artwork with my crude drawings 'ruining' them!

[newmamalizzy]

I think she IS leading, in a way.  Not the way you really intended, but people learn in different ways.  Great jazz improvisers often learn famous solos note by note.  It helps improve their musical vocabulary.  Maybe at this age your little girl is just trying to improve her drawing/building/puzzle making vocabulary, so to speak.  

[grethel]

Originally Posted by newmamalizzy 

I think she IS leading, in a way.  Not the way you really intended, but people learn in different ways.  Great jazz improvisers often learn famous solos note by note.  It helps improve their musical vocabulary.  Maybe at this age your little girl is just trying to improve her drawing/building/puzzle making vocabulary, so to speak.  

That's a good way to think about it. I agree, she's leading by asking me to do it, and I certainly don't refuse when she asks me to show or teach her something. We play cooperatively for most of the day. There are just times that I'd prefer her to not be squelched by me doing something that she could do herself, and I'm just wondering about the best way to express that to her.

[lifeguard]

If she's asking I don't see how that is squelching her? If, like my MIL, you are pulling the pencil out of her hand & saying "no, no, this is how you do it" then I think that would be squelching.

[lifeguard]

Oh, & fwiw I often, when learning something new, will ask my "teacher" to show me something again.

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by grethel 

That's a good way to think about it. I agree, she's leading by asking me to do it, and I certainly don't refuse when she asks me to show or teach her something. We play cooperatively for most of the day. There are just times that I'd prefer her to not be squelched by me doing something that she could do herself, and I'm just wondering about the best way to express that to her.

I was thinking about this more today as I watched the "Babies" movie during Bea's nap.  Is it possible that she just...doesn't actually want to draw, but really wants to watch the miracle of an actual picture emerging out of your hand?  Because that's not something that she could do herself at this point. 

I DO completely understand where you're coming from, by the way.  What happens if you make an excuse to leave the room for a little bit?  Sometimes DD will do things when I'm not there that she won't do if I am. 

[grethel]

Thanks for your input! Sorry for the late response. We've been out of town.

If I leave the room, she'll just stop playing and follow me. She's not much for independent play, although I try to encourage it. Maybe that's part of what I'm searching for here? More tips on getting her to play independently? She just seems to want me to fix or do the things that are challenging for her, and while I understand where she's coming from and even admire that she's learned to ask for help, I'd much rather she try to figure it out herself. I've read so often how beneficial it is (this recent study keeps sticking in my head: http://www.economist.com/node/18741484).

"Figuring it out herself" doesn't apply to drawing pictures, really, since you're right that she can't do that herself yet. She does love to watch someone else draw and I do draw for her every day at her request. It's just seemed to become a pattern that when we are doing any kind of art, she asks me to do it, and I'd also love for her to just explore on her own but I also hate to say no when she asks.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well for us, the trick is to leave the room only very briefly. "I'm going to get a drink of water & I'll be right back." Be really really quick to return. If that's too hard, start with something even simpler, like tell her you are going to get something on the other end of the room. Then you slowly start to expand how long you leave for, working up to trips to the bathroom and maybe someday even starting to prep dinner! You have to come back though -- otherwise, yeah, she'll just follow you. It is working for us, though I think it will still be a while before DS will just play on his own for a good stretch of time!

With arts & crafts, one thing that helps is if I sit down at the table with my own (identical) project. So we each have paper and sets of paint and we each paint our own picture. I ask him not to paint on my picture. Sometimes he watches me, but more often he just works on his own painting. Actually, I need to use this technique more often with things besides painting, because I think sometimes if we are sitting there sharing a pad of paper he just doesn't understand why he should draw and not me, you know?. It helps when we have our own space in our chairs at the table (vs. doing a craft standing at his kid-sized table or an activity on the floor).

Also, don't be afraid to play dumb a bit... "Hmm, I forget, how do you draw a cat? Can you draw the head for me?" Yeah, it's a bit ingenuine, but no more so than letting them win a board game or pretending to fall down when she chases you... Ask her to do the parts that you know she CAN do. Set her up for success. So with the puzzle, try handing her the pieces that are tricky -- hand them over in the correct orientation so she can get it quickly. Then maybe she'll gain more confidence & not be so frustrated & quick to give up.

I think there is a big difference between deliberately teaching your toddler how to do everything, and just providing help when she asks for it. Sometimes helping them with the tough parts frees them up to continue to play more freely rather than getting stuck on something and/or giving up.

[mamadiamond]

do you know her learning style? has that started to become evident yet? if she is a visual learner rather than a kinesthetic learner, then watching you do something over and over and over might be the way she needs to learn. if she is a kinesthetic learner then just fumbling around with a pencil or a block for long enough will end up with learning a new skill, but if she's a visual learner she needs to see it to be able to do it. i am a visual learner and i know it frustrates my kinesthetic husband endlessly that i will ask him to show me how to do something on the computer multiple times when he is able to just sit down and mess with it till it works. i have to see him go through all the steps. but from the opposite perspective, it would be incredibly frustrating to me if when i asked him to show me he refused and just said "figure it out for yourself". for me, visually seeing someone do the steps IS the way that i figure it out for myself, and that's just a difference in the way our brains process things.

i understand your frustration though. dd always brings me her little fisher price people and hands them to me for me to play with. she never wants to play with them on her own. but the more i think about it, i'm starting to be more ok with it. i think the hardest thing about child-led play is that they don't always lead in the way we want them to. it might actually be more controlling/imposing your play on her to refuse the way that she wants to interact with you and the toys.

[grethel]

Learning style - I haven't thought about it! I spend so much time with my older dd working with that, and yet it hadn't occurred to me to think about the little one's!  It makes a lot of sense actually that she is a visual learner, so I'll keep that in mind while we're playing. Thanks for that!

Crunchy, thanks for the tips on independent play. I know it's partly an age/developmental thing, but anything I can do to help her along is much appreciated.

[Madalyn]

My son does the same thing. Honestly I've never really thought much about it and just draw what he asks for. He does it mostly when we color or do side walk chalk. If we're doing it on paper I usually get a separate piece to draw my things so I can keep his art separate. When we paint he doesn't seem to ask me to do anything so maybe a different medium would allow her to focus on just the flow and movement of color rather than drawing concrete things?

[JudiAU]

Some children really want and prefer to interact with adults in the way you mention. She wants to be drawing with you, not just by herself. She wants to be entertained by watching you draw something that looks like a cat, which she cannot yet do. She wants to see designs and objects unfold that she doesn't have the skill to generate. It is both normal for her to request it and loving to respond that way. What will frusterate her is never playing along in the way she wants. My DS was this way and is an accomplished artist at 4 who STILL loves if you do some tricky bits for him here or there.  Allowing her the freedom to create doesn't mean that you can't play along/entertain/interact.

The reverse is also true. My 25m DD doesn't want help with ANYTHING and if you tried to make a "cat picture" for her she would give you a cranky look, scribble on her paper, and poke it and say I DO CAT. She "corrects" the stories I read too.

[hildare]

you might try breaking the task she wants help with down a little and say something like.. i'll put the kitty piece in the puzzle then you try the doggie. 

do a little and then encourage the child to try the rest?  or say "i'll put your sock over your toes then you pull it up." 

however, we seem to be the opposite at my house, and i can very much assure you that the opposite of that is equally frustrating.  dd likes to scream I DO IT about everything, even stuff she is physically incapable of doing.  awful times.   so i'll try the i do a little of something and ask her to do the rest of some of those things just to try to quell the yelling and to get her to let me do some of the things she can't quite do (like the socks) and to teach her to share responsibility a little bit.  maybe it will work for you too?

with the drawing, i feel like it's perfectly appropriate to let her guide you.  you might even ask questions and make her tell you step by step how to do it?  like if she wants you to draw a kitty, make her tell you what to draw first-- a circle for the head?  ears?  what shape are the ears?  etc. 

she's absolutely learning how to give or compose directions that way, and how things are put together.