Babysitter wants me to bite the baby - HELP!

[Wolfcat]

DD (16 mo) bites. She is teething - molars right now. DH and I both work full time, so she's in daycare most of the day. She used to bite at home, but hasn't done so in about a month. She does bite brother when he is being "too much" (too much hugs, too much kisses, too much carrying, too much hyper...).

The problem at the babysitters is that she is in a house with mostly younger babies. She apparently will crawl up into their bouncy seats, etc. and bite them on the hands/arms and/or face.

Today, the babysitter told me I had to do something, and said I should bite her ("cuz it only takes one time" - whatever). I think she blindsided me about this in front of the other babies' mamas to show them she was trying to do something, and I'm very upset about that, but that's another topic.

I need suggestions about what to do. I don't see her bite often. I've told the babysitter to put her in "time out" (sit her in the high chair) when she does that. I strongly suspect that DD would do better in the other house with older kids and possibly more attention. She is one of the oldest and one of the most independent, developmentally, of the kids in the younger kids' house.

At home, when she does bite, we say her name and "NO bite!" in a loud firm voice, then ignore her for a few minutes. She always cries about it and I know she hates the fact that we are not happy. But I can't go to daycare with her.

I cannot bite my child. I won't do it. But I have to do something. Any ideas at all?

[Dandelionkid]

New daycare? It sounds like you are doing what you can at home. It is the providers responsibility to make sure all the kids are safe in her care. If she can't do that, you need to find someone that can. 

[Wolfcat]

Don't I wish that was even an option... We live in a very small town with very limited daycare resources (a lot of people rely on family). Half the daycares in town have closed over the past year. This one is the best of what's left.

[lifeguard]

I think this particular "method" of approaching biting continues 'cause for some kids it does work - one time & they don't do it again. Please don't take that as me saying you should do it - 'cause I certainly couldn't have.

Plain & simple you need to discuss it with her privately & come up with a plan. Really, a daycare provider should know & be used to biting as a stage - many children go through. It'll be up to her to watch your dd more carefully while this is going on & try to predict when she may bite so she can intercede before a child gets hurt. Your dd will outgrow it, especially with some consistency in showing her it's not ok.

[hildare]

no.  just, NO.  do not bite your child. 

you're doing what you can, and when your child is in the care of someone else, that person should be competent enough to not suggest such a horrible thing. 

can you not find a single person sitter or an in-home situation?  if it were me, i would have her out of there fast.  i know you said there weren't many options, but that viewpoint and suggestion scares the heck out of me.

your babysitter is basically suggesting that you abuse your child.  any person who takes such an approach to abuse should not be watching children and would no longer be in charge of caring for mine. 

[hildare]

Originally Posted by lifeguard 

I think this particular "method" of approaching biting continues 'cause for some kids it does work - one time & they don't do it again. Please don't take that as me saying you should do it - 'cause I certainly couldn't have.

a) this is physical abuse

and b) it teaches them that they can be injured by a parent or someone who is bigger than them. 

i honestly don't think it "works" other than create fear in the child. 

[Asiago]

Children don't have the higher brain development until about three years of age to understand that they are capable of inflicting pain. I would think a professional day care provider would understand that to some degree. Biting her would be like a cruel form of correction that baby would not correlate with her own actions.

My son bites me hard  whenever he is teething and I suppose it may help the teeth break through the surface. Just as puppies teethe on furniture legs, leather shoes, human hands (!)  and so on, babies also teethe and sometimes it is on people.

More so what I learned is that children under age three use biting as a form of communication of their feelings, since they may not be able to find the words or speak well. I read some really interesting posts on the following site from parents as well as day care providers and preschool teachers:

 http://daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6 

[MadameFancyPants]

It's amazing that people don't realize that logic actually has the reverse affect.  They will learn it's ok to bite others. 

I honestly don't know what I would do in a similar situation.  Probably have a meeting with the babysitter when other parents and children weren't around.  Make it known that you aren't comfort about with her suggestion, in fact it's just wrong.  But also, let her know it was very rude to blind side you in front other parents. 

Some kids are biters.  It's a phase and teething doesn't help either. 

[MadiMamacita]

some suggestions- give her something that it is OK to bite and continue to let her know that it is not OK to bite people.
Maybe teach her some signs to convey her needs? I would think that she is biting out of frustration/boredom, and also it probably just feels good. Figure out an approach and then communicate that to your DCP.

[Adaline'sMama]

Honestly, there is no way I could leave my child with someone who is asking me to abuse her. Biting a child is child abuse, a child will learn nothing from it except to fear their parents.

[kiara7]

No, don't bite your baby.
Why don't you get her some teething toys. One that worked good for us was a fish shaped ring with water inside. Put it in the fridge, then it's cold and comforting for those teeth.
Good Luck!

[holothuroidea]

Trying to teach a 16 month old that biting hurts is like trying to teach them calculus. Their brains just are not ready to understand that information yet. 

This sitter clearly has no clue about what is developmentally appropriate. If you feel you don't have any other options maybe you can see if she is open to some education. There are usually tons of child development books at the library you could borrow for her. Any current non-religious publication will advise against biting children.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Honestly, there is no way I could leave my child with someone who is asking me to abuse her. Biting a child is child abuse

I would quit working before I did that. I would not be able to trust that that person wasn't doing something harmful to my child or other children.

[JBaxter]

I think she may also giving you a  warning.  Your day care provider can have her biting the infants who have not done anything to provoker her.  I really get biting in frutration but if she is going over to confined infants to bit them thats a different story.   I agree with the time outs  I also squeezed my one sons cheeks enough to get his attention when I said NO VERY loudly enough to make him jump.   Biting is hard but dont be surprised if it continues that you are asked to leave.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by JBaxter 

;I also squeezed my one sons cheeks enough to get his attention when I said NO VERY loudly enough to make him jump.  

[holothuroidea]

Do you really think this is a good thing to do? 
 

Originally Posted by JBaxter 
I also squeezed my one sons cheeks enough to get his attention when I said NO VERY loudly enough to make him jump. 

I like to leave motivation by fear to the tyrants, Christian momma. 

[JBaxter]

when they continue to bite their siblings , momma and aunt they need to know its not acceptable   What about all the ones who get bit to the point of bruises?  All the NO's and putting them in time outs dont work on every child.    It is a FAR cry from biting.   The OP will need to figure out a way to deter the biting seems like what she has been doing isn't working.   A child was asked to be taken out of one of my children's preschool because of biting issues.

What does my faith have to do with trying everything to keep a child from biting everyone?    I am a Christian and had to deal with a biter its no fun for ANYONE.   Please point out in the bible where is says not to discipline your child?

[Adaline'sMama]

Really? What about holding their nose everytime they bite? What about redirecting them after their teeth are off you? What about saying "OUCH!" loudly instead of "No" loudly? What about grabbing their bottom jaw to force their mouth to release the grip? What about watching where their mouth goes and preventing the bite before it happens? I can think of a ton of ways to try to get a kid to stop biting them before pinching cheeks and yelling at them. Seriously, MDC is the last place I thought I would be hearing "Well, when the time outs and yelling dont work...." Since when are "time outs" so widely renowned to work for a kid this age anyway? My kid has never had a time out and she probably wouldnt even realize it was a time out if I did try to give her one.

We are talking about babies here. Babies arent for pinching or biting. In my book (which is not the bible, needless to say) pinching and yelling are not discipline, they are things people do when they fly off the handle and cant control themselves. Respectable grown ups dont harm children intentionally.

[~cassie]

Best thing is to stay on top of the biter and redirect as necessary.  We had good luck with "Oh no babies are not for biting.  Here is this toy and you can bite it"  We always used the vibrating teethers and all 3 of my boys LOVED them.

[holothuroidea]

They are not capable of knowing that it is not acceptable. Not capable as in unable as in with out the ability. Did I emphasize my point enough? They CANNOT learn that biting hurts. Their brains are not biologically ready for it until almost 3 years old. 
 

I am against motivation by fear, if that's what you call discipline then yeah I'm against your brand of discipline. Like I said, I'll save motivation by fear for the tyrants. I mentioned your faith because I was pretty sure Christian ideals are against that kind of thing but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I mean, it's pretty hard for me to picture Jesus pinching a baby's cheeks and yelling at them with the expressed purpose of frightening them into obedience. 

Like Adaline'sMama said, there are many peaceful ways to stop a baby from biting people without resorting to frightening them. 

Step 1: Use minimum force required to stop the biting. You can hold their nose until they release but I've found that pushing the bottom jaw down is faster and kinder (although it does increase the risk of getting bitten yourself). As a note, if you are the one getting bitten feel free to express your pain by saying "Ouch!" or "That hurts!" but there is no need to yell or scream. 

Step 2: Feed the impulse. Give the baby something else to bite on. 

Step 3: Prevent the biting from happening again. Carrying the child on your back is a good option. Carefully supervise child when they are reintroduced to the group, and learn to identify signs that they are going to bite so you can stop it before it happens. 

The child will learn in due time that biting hurts others, but that's not for a while yet. The burden of responsibility is not on the baby, it is on the parent/caregiver.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBaxter 

when they continue to bite their siblings , momma and aunt they need to know its not acceptable   What about all the ones who get bit to the point of bruises?  All the NO's and putting them in time outs dont work on every child.    It is a FAR cry from biting.   The OP will need to figure out a way to deter the biting seems like what she has been doing isn't working.   A child was asked to be taken out of one of my children's preschool because of biting issues.

What does my faith have to do with trying everything to keep a child from biting everyone?    I am a Christian and had to deal with a biter its no fun for ANYONE.   Please point out in the bible where is says not to discipline your child?